I don't do boys

[crowsnest]

I have name changed because i'm so ashamed of how I feel. It eats me up and worries me daily.

I have 2 boys and a girl and I adore my girl (middle child) so much more than my boys. .

I do love my boys but it is nothing compared to my girl. She is 4 and I absolutely love everything about her and being with her. I love the girly things she loves from the clothes to the toys and her activities.
I hate boys toys, games, activities and especially can't bare play dates with other boys that turn into utter hell.

When my DD has friends round they are lovely. They all dress up and play dolly's and houses and giggle away in the bedroom. I get on well with all of her girl friends and I deal well with other peoples girls.

When DS (6) has friends in they play fight, destroy, run riot, get totally out of hand and over the top. They can be so horrible.

My youngest DS is 18 months so still just a cute baby but having spent nearly 7 years surrounded with boys (all my friends have boys the same age) im dreading it. I know he will get to 3 and just become annoying to me!
Already he goes around toddlers groups whacking kids he wants toys from. Admittedly DS1 or DD didn't do this but it's something else I've observed about the differences between the genders. Although i've met the odd Ferrel girl it's mostly boys that will go around the toddler group hitting.

My attitude stinks I know. I have 3 gorgeous healthy DC's and I should be utterly besotted with them all but i just don't do boys well .

When I had DS1 I was over the moon. Didn't care. This dislike of boys came about from being around children and watching my DC's grow. When I fell PG unexpectedly with DC3 I was praying for a girl.

I spent 9 months thinking about how she might have a sister close in age to her and imagining my two little girls and sharing a room then DS2 was born. I just cried . I was devastated. I didn't want to feel like that and I'm ashamed of it but i was gutted.

Thankfully I bonded with him. I've never had any problem with loving him or PND which I thought I might get if it was another boy. I also love DS1 and have a good relationship with both generally. I try very hard to be affectionate and spend time alone with DS1.

I have however never shook off the disappointment. 2 of the other antenatal friends who had boys same time as me first time went on to have girls same time as me having DD then we all had our third same time. Yep, you guessed it, they had 2nd girls and I had DS2. I could see their delight. I could feel it. They would say things like "so glad they can share a room" or "it's nice for DD1".

I feel bad DD will never have a sister. I didn't have one and in recent years thought how nice it would be as an adult particularly.

My heart is breaking about how quickly DD has grown and she will have to go to school in August. I've never had anytime with her as when DS1 went to school, DS2 was born. She is having to start young as she is a December baby. I cry everytime I think about my gorgeous little girl growing up. Im going to spend my life worrying about her more and adoring her so much more than the boys which is so wrong. All of the hard work to bring up 3 but feeling like I have 1 child in my heart .

Has anyone else felt like this? Did it get better in time?

[bakingtins]

You might find this article interesting.

[Only1scoop]

Crows.... I respect your honesty and am sorry you experience these feelings.

I have an adorable dd 3.5 and understand all your feeling re the desire for a girl.

I was pregnant recently and we had a MMC at 17 wks. I had been told the baby was a boy at quite an early scan

[longtallsally2]

Just wanted to send you best wishes OP. You have been really brave posting and taking the lid off these feelings. I hope that you can see it as a positive too, especially after your last post. You have a real opportunity to look afresh at how boys have been seen in your family history, and to be closer to each of your children as a result.

[VeryStressedMum]

I'm sorry you feel this way. Maybe you should stop seeing them as boys and girls and try to see them as just individuals. Not all girls are like your dd (I have 2 girls, 1 boy) yes my ds runs about like a mad thing but believe me my dds didn't sit quietly reading and painting their nails.

I have had 10 girls over for a birthday party and it was the worst 2 hours of my life with the bitching, fighting, falling out, crying... And now my dds are teenagers I gave to deal with hormonal mood swings, fighting, cattiness etc actually they became hormonal long before they hit their teens.

So life isn't all flowers with girls far from it but maybe as your dd is 4 you haven't experienced it yet. I'm not saying it will definitely happen but if it does I hope you don't react with shock and disappointment that your perfect dd can ever behave that way.

My ds is wrecking the sitting room with his friend at the moment...is it just how boys behave? I don't know or care because it's how how my child behaves.

[TeamHank]

Totally agree Barbarian and it goes unchallenged again and again and again.

I have people express surprise and incredulity at how well behaved my boys are - but still have to go and express their disappointment on my behalf that I haven't been "blessed" with a daughter .

But then having lost 4 babies to m/c and taken 6 years to become a mum I suppose my priorities are a little different.

[Alarielle]

I have a ds5 and dd2. My ds is kind, thoughtful, quiet and loving. My dd is stubborn, unsocial, wild and noisy. Personality is not determined by gender.

[Davsmum]

I think admitting to these feelings is brave.
Many parents would be in denial about how they feel and that is worse.

You feel the way you feel - and being aware and admitting how you feel means that you can deal with it.

In a perfect world we would all feel exactly the same about both genders and about every child - but its not the way it is for many people.

[MorrisZapp]

My little DS is currently going through a Barbie stage :) He wags his finger and says 'Barbie is for boys and girls!'. Long may it last, he's only three.

You've had so much good advice here, I never judge anybody on gender preference as I was desperately gutted when I had a boy. My intellect simply could not over ride my heart. But now I freakin love boys and wonder how anybody could want a girl, so there's a mothers logic for you.

It's a bit late now but if you wanted a quiet, pandemonium free house, I dare say having three kids wasn't your most logical choice! But you wanted them, and here they are. Bet your feelings change over time, kids grow and develop so much plus that adorable little girl is going to be a female teenager soon enough omg omg aaaaargh

[PixelAteMyFace]

I can honestly say that I don't have a secret favourite. I enjoy spending time with all three of my children. They are all very different, and each has his/her particular qualities (and failings of course! No child is perfect, any more than I am)

Obviously the long shopping trips are with DD, we've had some lovely girly days out over the years. Strangely, I've received excellent style advice from DS2 on the very rare occasions we've gone shopping together. DS1 won't shop at all if he can avoid it.

My DS are both foodies, so we enjoy great meals together.

Like you OP, I used to wonder about the "daughter for life" thing. My two eldest are married and DS2 is in a long-term relationship. All that marriage has changed is that we see less of each other, but my sons still phone every week for a long chat and even advice. My DD and I talk more often, but for less time.

I'm very happy to have a DD, but equally glad to have my two lovely sons

[cosikitty]

While there are exceptions and lots of boys who are quieter in personality, I am afraid to say, that there IS a difference in the way boys and girls behave and play. I speak from experience of working in education.

Take a group of girls and then a group of boys and there is undoubtedly a general difference. Girls are much less physical in their play, use language differently and solve conflicts differently. They are interested in different toys and activities. Whether these differences are caused by parentin is another debate, but the fact reamains that by school age they are hugely different (on the whole, not talking on an individual level).

[Wilberforce2]

I have one DS5 and a dd due any day, I have to say my ds is a complete joy. He isn't overly boisterous he loves making things and imaginative play, he goes to a drama class at the weekends which he loves but also loves kicking a ball around the park. Today we have spent the morning cuddled on the sofa eating junk and watching films! My DH has a daughter who is now 18 and generally lovely but when she was younger she was loud, in your face, rude and demanding and a lot of her friends were the same. I definitely think it's a personality thing rather than gender, to be honest my experience of girls are tantrums, princesses and brattiness so I'm a little bit scared about how my own daughter is going to be!! x

[Karoleann]

I don't do girls as well as boys. I have no interest at all in playing dollies or make believe games and I'd much rather be outside making dens or playing computer games than doing my daughter's hair.

Luckily she will happily do more active things too and I leave the dollies and hair to our lovely au pair!

[TeamHank]

cosi, but why is different negative?

My boys can be loud and boisterous but never to the point where they trash my house or deliberately damage things - but that's because I've never tolerated that behaviour and have brought them to up to respect their own and others' property.

I think far too much "bad" behaviour from boys is tolerated because of all this ridiculous gender stereotyping - "oh boys will be boys" is a phrase I hear all the time while mums (and dads) standby and watch the most awful behaviour from their sons.

It doesn't have to be this way - and it's threads like this that reinforce all that bloody nonsense too.

[Eletheomel]

I was a proper tomboy when i was a child (the kind of daughter OP you may well have found a disappointment if you're keen on pinkness and quietness :-) I climbed trees, played football, adopted (stole) animals I considered to be abandoned and took them home, hated dolls (they still freak me out) had no interest in girly clothes (still don't), was the youngest of five siblings (4 girls, 1 boy) and so was involved in a lot of roughhousing (no quiet drawing in our house). I was incredibly active and liked nothing better than playing out for hours with all the kids on my street.

Unsurprisingly, I had a slight inkling for a boy first time round (I still hate pink) but wasn't fussed and waited for the suprise. I got DS1, an incredibly kind, thoughtful, creative child (now 4) who has never hit another child, in fact he was frequently 'robbed' by other kids (girls and boys, older and younger than him) when he was a toddler and he'd never cry, but would just pick up another toy and carry on - he always gave way, was very non-confrontational. DS2 is only 8 months and already he has 'wrestled' with another same age baby at a toddlers group for a toy, clearly, he's cut from a different cloth...

I've had 8 kids round (7 boys, 1 girl - aged 6 weeks to 4 years) for a play event and frankly I loved it, they were all little whirlwinds going through DS1s toys and digging out stuff I think we'd even forgotten about. There was no hitting, fighting or stealing. The only drama of the day was the little girl squealing every time she saw a cat, a bee, an insect on the slide....

I wont' be having any more so it'll just be boys for me and like an earlier poster, there is a slight regret that I'll always be the mother in law, but that's it, doesn't mean if I was having another I wouldn't want another boy (I would :-)

Brave to post OP, but hopefull you'll get something from the advice given on here that can help you reshape your views/expectations of your sons.

The way I see it, if my boys leave home at 18 and go on to establish families of their own and live happy lives, I've done my job well. And if that means I don't get to have as much time with them as adults (as they bond more with their partners families) then so be it - I'm savouring every moment with them now to make up for it :-D

[mrscog]

TeamHank YY! And Cosi as you say, these differences which are noticeable by school age could well be down to societal influence - so more the reason to encourage parents of pre-schoolers to parent as gender neutrally as possible.

[juneau]

Don't assume that if you'd had a second DD that she and your DD would've been 'best friends' either. I have a sister and we have absolutely NOTHING in common. If she wasn't related to me I'd never have been friends with her - we're just too different and we've never really got on as a result.

As a mother of two DSs I admit I felt really sad for your boys reading your post. I hope that writing on here and getting some advice will help you to deal with your anxieties and get help for this. It really is very unfair to tar all boys with the negative brush you're doing. Yes, boys as a group can be unruly, but girls also have their negative gender traits, and each child is an individual who may well not conform to any of the gender stereotypes. So please, for your DSs sake, seek some therapy to help you overcome your prejudices.

[cosikitty]

Teamhawk, I don't recall saying the difference was a negative thing, just that there is a difference. The afraid part of my sentence was intended to indicate that I was afraid I was going against the common consensus on the thread that boys don't behave differently to girls, most other posters had said that their girls were no differently behaved to their boys.

[FiscalCliffRocksThisTown]

Barbarian, I have no value attached to either boys ir girks and their behaviour. Nowhere did I state or imply girks should not do sport.

You are arguing against points I did not make .

My observation was noted, based on boys and girls in playgroup in our village. I do not know , or pretend to know about ALL boys and girls, nor did I say anywhere that boy stuff is better.

It is all in your head.

[crowsnest]

Haven't read all yet but I need to make a few clearer points I have done a rubbish job of explaining.
My DS's have never been given toys I decide they should have.

When DS1 liked the buggy and dolly at toddler group I bought him one for Christmas. He even now has been known to play princesses with his sister and seemed to enjoy dressing up .
He however CHOOSES anything that looks evil just now! Not that the toys are the big issue as he now plays well on his own and doesn't need me as much for that. My DD also loves a bit of rough and tumble with her bro and they watch power rangers together. Sometimes im dragging her off of him!
DS2 plays with a dolly constantly and often chooses his sisters room over his brothers. So i've not manipulated them that way.
I mainly mean the play dates I suppose. I think what I meant is I enjoy the stuff she likes more.

Im also firm with the kids. I do dicipline and my god DD can drive me nuts too. My DS1 is probably better behaved at certain times but it's when we are out or have other kids round he turns loopy.

I take no nonsense but it makes life difficult with friends. He barley gets any friends round because he is unable to listen when he gets over hyper.

[crowsnest]

I've just noticed the comments about my 18month DS. This hitting business has only just started happening and my god im on it. I fly through the air and get down to his level. He has to cuddle the offended etc. It's a first for me and there is no chance im putting up with it so don't worry about that. Im mortified. If he had carried it on he'd have been put back in the buggy and marched out but he stops after a row.

[cory]

To me, it seems that you have a deeper problem than the obvious one of preferring the quieter behaviour of your dd to the more boisterous approach of her brothers.

You also write:

"I cry everytime I think about my gorgeous little girl growing up. Im going to spend my life worrying about her more and adoring her so much more than the boys which is so wrong."

What this says to me is that you somehow need your dd to fulfill your deeper needs, that you struggle with the idea of letting her go and of letting her be her own person.

Please get help for this before this is too late.

It isn't just that it's unfair to your little boys and may damage them. It is also very unfair to your little girl to lay the burden on her of having to grow up into the person you need from a daughter.

And I speak as the daughter here (though thankfully my mother has always been very appreciative of her sons too). The whole "I need a special link with you because you are my daughter so you have to understand me in a special way" is very wearying when you are a child/teenager/young woman trying to hold up the other end. I love my mother dearly and talk to her often. But I live a long way off. I need to, to be able to be a real person, not just the dream daughter she needs.

[lunar1]

I can't offer the same empathy at other posters, I just don't get it.

I have two sons, they are people not just boys. They like to draw and do crafts, they love to help in the kitchen. They have never hit another child. Ds1 loves cars and star wars, ds2 loves planes angry birds and a little pink pushchair. They are individuals and I love them for who they are.

I think you need help, how would your sons feel if they realised?i feel so sorry for them, they deserve better.

[Helpyourself]

Has the rough play started since he started school? If so and if it really is 'doing your head in' consider alternatives- home school or gentle prep, or moving somewhere where he could be physical 'constructively' alpine village, pacific fishing island More realistically could he take up an instrument? He'd have company and 'busyness' and they're a less raucous bunch. Unless he plays the drums.
What was your childhood like? I have 2 younger brothers who although they were very physical were also 'gentle readers' who hated football. It's hardly surprising that that is DH to a tee, ditto DS! I'd feel very strange if they were stompy loud clubable types.

[cory]

Also don't forget how difficult your dd's life would be once she (and her brothers) realised she was the favourite. For her sake as much as for theirs, you need to get help.

As for non-boisterous but active pursuits, drama club is another good one. Allows physical expression in a controlled fashion. And often involves older children who can be good role models.

[PenguinsEatSpinach]

Slightly off topic, but please don't make your DS cuddle a child he has just hit. Often the last thing a hurt child wants is to tolerate a hug from the child who hit them. It also sends bad messages to that child. Much better just to compel an apology to child (or parent if the child would rather not participate).