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Parenting

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Original poster

advice needed on smoking grandparents

48 replies

squigglesmum · 07/03/2004 15:38

Wonder if anyone could give me an opinion on how old their children would have to be before they were comfortable with them staying overnight in a VERY smoky house?
Having a situation with grandparents who just will not accept that smoking is harmful to babies. They won't smoke "in front of the baby" but won't keep the living room smoke-free, so when we go down in the morning or come back from a trip out, the atmosphere is blue. baby's room is smoke-free of course, as it's our bedroom when we're staying! Tried to discuss it and created huge argument. I'm standing my ground that I won't take small babies for overnight stays (I only have ds1 but hoping for more, so this won't go away in a month or two) but I can't quite get my head round how old I think they should be. Any thoughts?
Apologies, I might not be able to acknowledge any replies straight away as I only get internet access at the weekend, but I'd really appreciate some opinions.

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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secur · 09/03/2004 14:24

Message withdrawn

hercules · 09/03/2004 14:24

I've been yahooing the same thing!

hercules · 09/03/2004 14:25

not yet

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Slinky · 09/03/2004 14:26

No, can't find anything either - but I'm sure I've definately seen/heard it somewhere.

secur · 09/03/2004 14:28

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Slinky · 09/03/2004 14:30

I'm try to remember to ask the GP when I see him later today - am currently sounding like the woman in the smoking advert with the oxygen tube running along the floor Rather ironic for someone who has never had as much as a puff of a fag

secur · 09/03/2004 14:30

Message withdrawn

dinosaur · 09/03/2004 14:31

Squigglesmum, I certainly don't think it's an ideal situation, but as the room where your child would actually be sleeping would be smoke-free, then I agree with SenoraPostrophe that maybe an occasional overnight visit in the summer when they can smoke with the windows open might be better than having an almighty family confrontation over it? But if you, or your DH, is already prone to asthma or other "chesty" things, then it might be safest to avoid it altogether.

When we were children my grandparents' house used to be very smoky, there were three adult smokers living there, plus my dad, when we were visiting, made it four. I don't ever remember it seeming unpleasant though, although it might be the case that because they had lots of open fires it was actually quite well ventilated (although they would never have dreamed of opening the windows!). It didn't seem to have any adverse effects on our health, but none of us was predisposed to asthma.

Sorry, not much help really, what a difficult situation to be in. Still, at least you are invited to stay, my DH's parents wouldn't let him stay overnight at their house with DS1 when DS1 was a baby because it would be "too much work"!

Slinky · 09/03/2004 14:32

When I met DH he uses to smoke - as soon as I moved in, I told him he had to go outside.

In the end, he's so lazy he couldn't be bothered to go out in the cold and gave up! Went completely "cold-turkey"!

hercules · 09/03/2004 14:35

Only things I can find are about smelly breath afterwards rather than actual chemicals.

marthamoo · 09/03/2004 14:35

Dh smokes (I am a holier-than-thou ex-smoker ) but only in the garden and I noticed the other day that he has been dropping the butts into one spot in the flower bed. Yeuck. There are about a hundred there. Must tell him they won't grow into a cigarette tree. Must admit when I saw the title of this thread was very tempted just to post "throw a bucket of water over them - quick!"

Reriginal question, if they are not able to accommodate your child's needs and your wishes then, no, I wouldn't go. My Dad and my MIL both smoke and, while their homes are not completely smoke-free they are very careful while my children are around. Though they both still smoked around me when I was pregnant - just don't think they considered it a risk.

Browbeaten · 09/03/2004 14:36

My late fil was a chain smoker, who has since died from lung cancer. When dd was born they visited for 3 weeks (not my idea)and though I said I didn't want him smoking in the house he smoked in my kitchen!! As a new mum and new wife I was angry but never said anything then. I swore that it would never happen again and when I had ds told dh no way was fil to smoke in the house. I said if he did I would leave for the duration of the stay. Fil was frosty the whole visit but I didn't care really. When we visited then out clothes would stink but it's their house. My dd got tonsilitis whilst visiting them and the doctor said it could have been triggered by cigarette smoke - never heard that before but she has never had it again! I myself am an ex smoker and my mum smokes but in the garden and never in front of the children - no arguments she just did it. My fil was selfish and self centred and anyone who smokes in front of children is the same imo.

marthamoo · 09/03/2004 14:36

Don't know how that grin in the middle of "original" got in there.

secur · 09/03/2004 14:49

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Blu · 09/03/2004 15:11

Oh dear, Squigglesmum, it sounds as if they are being awkward way beyond the logic of this, and very 'spiky'. Is there any other here? Do they feel 'not good enough' as in-laws or parents? That you don't see them /take their advice enough, or have they always been bloodyminded? Can you explain to them that it's not THEM you have a view on, just cigarettes?

I am not surprised you are concerned. DP smokes 2 a night, after DS is in bed, and I have said that I do not want DS to see him smoking, because it is abad role model from someone he loves. Could you explain to the grandparents that you want them to be an important influence in DS's life as they are so brilliant etc etc, but that times have changed now, and you would prefer their influence NOT to extend to smoking?

Metrobaby · 09/03/2004 15:12

Secure & Browbeaten - I'm glad to see that my inlaws aren't the only ones ! I have banned smoking in our house but somehow in the evenings when they have had a few drinks they seem to think its OK to start smoking in the kitchen or right outside the back door, so that invariably the smoke comes right back into our house! Grrrr.

I also find that when they stay at ours, I have to air their room out when they have gone as it smells of smoke. They don't smoke in their guest bedroom in their own house, yet it still has that ciggie smell.

secur · 09/03/2004 15:43

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Browbeaten · 09/03/2004 20:31

I agree with secur, you are unlikely to change them as they are in denial. If they for one minute accepted that damage can be caused by smoking then they would have to consider giving up themselves and that is a scary prospect I suppose. My late fil would think that by smoking in his kitchen he was being generous to the grand children but as soon as he opened the door the smoke would be in the living room as he never opened a bloody window. This is a man who would turn on the light in the middle of the night and light up a cigarette in bed, this would wake his wife and when she complained she couldn't sleep with the light on, he would say well stick yer 'ead under the covers. Another generation, another world We were not close as you can probably guess.

Slinky · 09/03/2004 20:37

It's not just the different generation thing though - not in my case anyway.

It's my SIL who causes the problems with regards to smoking around my kids etc. Denies that smoking is bad for you - thinks it's all hyped up and she is 4 years older than me!

She has had one "wake-up" call already - diagnosed with cancer a few years back, had the chemo/radiotherapy and was warned by the Consultant that she MUST give up smoking after treatment.

Nah...silly cow knows better...carries on - she gets through 30+ a day and the worse of it is she smokes "counterfeit" fags that her "friend" gets - so God knows what other crap is in them!

Momp · 09/03/2004 21:07

My chain-smoking in-laws have always smoked in a different room to where any of their grandkids are. On one occasion though, when DD was a newborn (now 4 yrs), we visited the in-laws and I will never forget my MIL finishing her cigarette in the kitchen, walking straight to DD in the living room, picking her up for a kiss............and breathing a large amount of smoke over my beautiful little girl. I was horrified. What did I do? Nothing at all. We'd raised the issue so many times before this occasion and every discussion would end up with my MIL crying and feeling "the victim". We have come to the agreement that smokers stay in the kitchen only-but if we only visit for 1 hour per week, couldn't they sacrifice their 1 hours' fix for their own flesh and blood?

Cam · 10/03/2004 15:26

You'd need a very big barbecue grill

chicaguapa · 10/03/2004 23:05

I have the same problem with my in-laws and would visit more often if they didn't smoke so much.

Put it to them that it's entirely up to them what they do in their own home and it's no-one's place to tell them whether they can or can't smoke - but it's everyone's prerogative if they want to subject their children to it and if you don't, you are perfectly within your rights to decide not to.

The onus is then on them to compromise if they want you to allow your children to stay. Not on you to ask them not to smoke (which then avoids the awkward conversation asking them not to).

Our situation isn't helped by the fact that we've only stayed twice and have vowed to say something next time, only now I'm pg it will look like we're only saying it cos I'm pg and my health is more important than DD!

Original poster

squigglesmum · 13/03/2004 19:31

Wow, thanks for all the feedback - at least I don't feel like I'm being completely unreasonable now. We've made it clear that we'll not be staying overnight when any of the babies are small. We'll have to see next time we visit how they behave when we go for a few hours. They came to our house today to visit, just for the afternoon to see how things went, and it was OK. Obviously no smoking in our house, but fil lights up as soon as out of the front door on our landing (We're in a flat and he'd have to go down a flight of stairs to get to the outside world). Grrr!! However, huge family row seems to be dying down so that's always something. Thanks again for all your support.

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