How do I improve my relationship with my daughter?

[unicorn]

She is 7 and I just feel at a loss.
She was a very difficult baby/extreme tantrummy toddler and now is often (at home) a highly defiant child.
She seems to get a 'kick' from upsetting things/people (particularly winding up her db who is 4)- and me. She doesn't 'help' at all when asked etc and turns every little request (like getting dressed in the morning)into an ordeal. She doesn't seem to have any respect for any of her things,and she doesn't take care of them.
I know I sound very negative towards her because frankly I am - I have had an uphill struggle with her to be honest.
Of course I don't want this situation to continue, or get any worse, but,what on earth can I do when it really feels that she prefers disharmony/disruption to a cohesive family?

(dh has problems with her too - but they are very much concentrated on my/her relationship)

thanks for reading, any suggestions appreciated.

aha could well be LemonT.
But, getting tough is a whole thread on its own.

What do you do with someone who doesn't do as they are told (we have physically taken her to her room and held door before - but it is very time consuming and attention giving)her automatic response is always to say NO?
Punishments (and rewards for that matter) never seem to bother her.

Anything for peace and quiet? Bet she knows tou're glad to have time without her and she'd never admit it. She probably uses that time to have fun, you're having a break and then bham! she's back, the tension starts and here we go again. God forbid she actually says she had fun, (s'alright, suppose) but she'd never be OMG thst was fun. Some kids are like this, my ds said worrying stuff at school and I talked to the teachers about him. He does feel things deeply and can be incredibly sensitive, I work with SN kids and he has a talent for being around them without getting kicked/punched etc. It's a gift and maye you could steer her into helping others, without being OTT. Maybe praise from others and secondhand from you would make the praise thing easier. I stopped being OTT with mine (as advised by a very young HV) when I caught myself saying "Wow, gooood job!" and cringing. He was laughing at me and I just thought OFFS he's taking this piss and he's 4! If you're a negative parent 100 pc of the time your kids will be but you don't have to be a performance artist to get their respect and attention. Demand it quietly and stick to it. NOW, where the F are my three?

Keep holding that door. Shell get bored before you do. Basically go back to her being a toddler and work it up from there. She can't win, you're the adults but take turn in being the horrible grown ups so she knows she won't win with either of you. Don't give up when she's being horrible.By the way, if your dp over-reacts too don't tell him off. He's trying and is probably pissed off with you and her being grumpy and fighting. It's not the outcome he imagined and he's doing his best. She probably wouldn't apologise either, or if she does it'll be a sarcastic "SORREEEEEY"" Get down, stare her out and demand an apology. If it kicks off again, do the whole time out thing again. Yours ds will suffer but tell him that is being really silly and that you love him so much. Tell him that you will have time for him later and could he watch tv/play while you sort out * He's probably used to playing second fiddle to the tantrums and maybe he could have treats while she doesn't. It will get noticed, she's going to be really pissed off and however much she say she doesn't care, she does, oh yes she does. It will come up in conversation in those times when maybe she is cuddly and you just have to be blunt about it without the fear of stepping on eggshells. He was nice/reasonable you weren't. End of conversation, chsange the subject.

cheers all.
Tomorrow I begin the campaign to sort out me/my dd.
Will keep you informed.