What is a suitable punishment for a 6 year old?

[Wonderwoman]

'It's still going on you know; just thought that I would let you know' a mum said to me when I went to collect ds from school. I was flabbergasted. 'Are you sure?' I replied, 'I have spoken with ds and he was very apologetic!'Oh, yes' replied the mum with a hint of derision, 'Just thought that I would mention it!!'

Now to fill in the blanks. DS (who doesn't have a very good behaviour track record this term or last) has been teasing a classmate. Said clasmate's desperately worried mother had informed me of the incident, and I had dutifully promised that I would speak with ds, and assured her that it would not happen again.

Now having tried the discussion, shouting, cajouling, smacking, banning and all else, I am at a complete loss what to do and I AM SO ANGRY!! How would ds let me down like this!!

So when I ask, 'what punishment is suitable for a 6 year old', I mean punishment! I really desperately need ds to take responsibility for his actions, and to understand that ''no' means no, and that this behaviour is not acceptable.

Any advice, offers???

Oh dear, I really sympathise. Does he play a lot of playstation? Just wondered since my ds is a horror if he has too much of it - he just can't cope with it (and dp as a fellow addict says he knows how ds feels, how he understands the 'buzz' of it) so we limit it to 2 sessions a week. Once we did this a lot of the off behaviour stopped. Does he get plenty of physical exercise? I know my son needs this too -he has so much energy and testosterone and is full of it in the house and not always appropriately if he doesn't get enough running around. I don't know the answer to what you do when all other avenues have failed - wish I did! What's your feeling about your son? When you're there and he's with other children does he push them? So is this behaviour at school out of character for him? What does he say if you ask him what he thinks about all this?

No tv gets mine every time

Wonderwoman - huge sympathies to you. My ds1 was 'getting into trouble' quite a lot at school a year or so back, and I got hauled in to see the teacher, phone calls from the Head, etc. It's dreadful isn't it, you feel such a failure as a parent, and have these huge worries for your son.

My ds1 is now 6.5, and has not been in serious trouble for over a year - so I can add that positive message to others here. By all means worry about today, but don't worry about tomorrow. The other positive thing I want to say is the school clearly takes behavioural issues very seriously, and that is great, and I'm sure they see from your attitude that you do too. So, believe me, they will be well aware that you are taking it all to heart.

How about bullying and teasing him - just till he breaks down into tears - sounds harsh but I think children who bully/tease have no idea of how it feels, how utterly awful it actually is - maybe a shock like this would do the trick - please don't think that I would do this sort of thing to DD ordinarily - I just think children need to be aware of how this sort of behaviour can make someone feel - there would be lots of young girls and boys going to school a lot happier if their tormentors knew how they felt.

A few things spring to mind, some of which may be helpful.

You clearly have good communication with the school - can you arrange a meeting with them to go in and discuss ds's behaviour "in general" rather than linked to a specific incident, which can cause sidetracks, as to "who was at fault".

I agree, that shortening his playtime, may well be a very bad 'punishment' allround. So you may need to work with them on some alternatives. (In our yr1 they have "choosing time" on a Friday afternoon if they've finished all their work, which can be forfeit for bad behaviour.)

In our case school suggested (and we agreed) that it was very important that he knew that we knew everything that had gone on in school, therefore his teacher kept us closely informed. But that school would 'deal with' any incidents, including doling out any punishment that was necessary/appropriate. In that way school/home was kept in some ways separate.

Does he lose his temper at home? What happens when he does?

I'm desperately trying to think of something to post that would be helpful to you. But it isn't an easy situation. If it was easy, we'd all have perfect children, wouldn't we?

Anyway, just wanted to say your posts really moved me and reminded me how I was feeling a year or so back.

No two wrongs don't make a right but as someone who knows someone who killed themselves after being teased for umpteen years I think children need to know that the person who is being teased is a victim - it really doesn't matter whether you give them a treat or a star or whether they know you are dissappointed in them - they have to understand that they are having a huge effect on someone - making them sad and lonely and probably thinking about this the whole time even when they are not at school - children need to understand what the consequence of bullying is for the victim and if making them felt as shitty as the victim does for just a couple of minutes I am sure there would be less bullying!!

Sorry Twinkie, I really disagree very strongly.

Some children take a long time to be able to understand things from another's point of view, but anyway, the way to teach this is most certainly not for a parent to bully and tease them. I just cannot imagine any loving parent doing this.

And it would certainly have a disastrous effect on my boys. They would lose respect for me, and respect for anything I asked them to do.

Not sure I agree either. I was bullied myself and (despicably) went on to bully someone else.

I would never hurt DD - I can't even bring myself to shout at her if I need to most of the time - I have though upset her by saying black hair is prettir than blonde hair after she was going on and on at a friends child saying her hair wasn't that pretty because it wasn't blonde - I could see she was getting quite a thrill upsetting this little girl and tried time out, taking stuff away from her and she went on and on and on - DD cried and said I was being mean to her and I explained that how she felt was how our friend's child felt and she had made this little girl feel like that - she understood completely what I was getting at - I did n't hurt her just made her realise that other people have feelings too and she has to respect them!!

I do realise that some of what I have written makes me sound like a complete monster but I really think a lot of what is happening with kids having sod all respect for things these days is because they have no idea of the consequences of their actions or how their actions can make others feel.

I did bully people at school and got a taste of my own medicine from an older girl who saw whatI was doing - I soon stopped it!!

Womderwomn, no experience of this as a parent (yet!!! mine is only 2) BUT I can remember being in your son's shoes when I was 6-7.
I also had a lot of energy and found it hard to sit still and keep quiet and focussed. Also, through over-active imagination and a penchant for attention from classmates (I was the youngest in the class)I got into lots of trouble. Very quickly the 'reputation' took hold, and I quickly felt it defined me, it was half exciting, and to be lived up to, but also, because I was never expected to be good, no-one ever praised me or rewarded me, except in a 'hmm, well this makes a change' tone which made me feel worse.Do you think that giving him lots of grown up jobs/responsibility and lots of rewards when he does things well might go well with stopping tv, say, when his impetuosity gets the better of him?

Rosin, I strongly agree that children need to learn the consequences of their actions from an early age, and believe that the trick would be to adapt the bahaviour to both the age of the child and the temperament of the child. So in my case, i do not think that 'bullying' my son would have much effect. He would be upset for a little while, then foget it tomorrow - boys are like that! In meanwhile, I would feel ghastly!

I do like Blu's idea of trying to reward him in adult ways - this is something that I feel he would really respond to e.g being allowed to stay up for an extra 20 mins in the evening etc (not sure how I would cope though!).

Just to let you ll know that I did have another thought though. It did strike me that my ds (the accused) may actually be the victim i.e. something must be happening to make him react in this way. So following on this morning's incident I went in to see the teacher after school. Anyhow, it turns out that the crying child had actually pushed my son's head down on the desk, but none of this had been communicated to the teacher. Now ordinarily i would not even blink at such an incident as I believe that it is typical classroom stuff that children need to go through if they are to develop into capable adults, harsh I know, and easy for me to say wen I have a ds who is clearly capable of defending himself - not sure if I would have the same tone if ds was more of the wimpish variety.....I seem to have digressed!

My point is, bullies are in themselves victims. So on this occasion I chose to defend my ds instead of reprimand him. Of course we still talk about the effect of his behaviour on others, but I am hpoing that support will have a positive effect, as opposed to reprimand which seems to be getting me nowhere. I will try this theory for the next week, and hope that ds's behaviour does not deteriorate any further in the meantime.

Also, I have today ordered some books from the library - thanks jmg!

Sympathies, Wonderwoman. I hope things improve soon. I do agree that noticing and pointing out the good stuff (alongside imposing whatever consequences you use for bad behaviour) is really fundamentally important. It's so easy to underestimate its effect. Does he have siblings so that you can notice him "being kind" on a regular basis and comment on it? If not you'll have to notice him being kind to you, I guess! I think once he knows he can be kind and starts thinking of himself as a kind person you might have success if you start asking him to use his great kindness skills at times when he's being mean. "Oi! Control that meanness (or suffer the consequences- time out, trouble at school, no playstation for a time, whatever) and use your fab kindness. You're so good at being kind, aren't you?" sort of thing. My boys really respond to that type of stuff quite a lot of the time. They're fooled into thinking of themselves as good and able to control their dark side and lo the dark side fades away a bit!

Love the "a bit" bit at the end of your post ScummyMummy! LOL

wonderwoman, I keep dipping into this thread and see you have lots of good advice. I wonder if all else fails, if you would consider moving your son to another school? perhaps it's a personality thing between your son and some of his classmates, perhaps the teachers aren't quite as on the ball as they could be regarding controlling bad behaviour, and you say your son has a reputation already to complicate things further. A fresh start might solve some of your problems - definitely the reputation one.

Also, if you tell your son you are seriously considering moving him to another school, because of all these problems, this might be a wake up call for him. If you follow it through and take him to look at a new school (even if you are bluffing a bit) this might make him think about the consquences of his behaviour. I take it likes his present school in some ways.

My son moved school at 7 for other reasons and this did help him calm down behaviour wise, though it took some time. Also more recently, I was within an inch of taking him out of cubs due to reputation and behaviour issues, and once he realised I was on that path, he did try harder to be good there.

Wonderwoman, I think you've really hit the nail on the head. These incidents are very rarely one sided. Your son is not a monster, but he does seem to have a label and I think that's so unhealthy for him. A new school might be a good idea if that is possible. Also supporting him is, I think, a really good idea. The school and other parents seem to assume he is the bad boy here, but as you saw, it isn't that simple. And I bet the other kids play on that and act the victim. I also believe that children tend to act up or down to their label - tell them they are good and kind people who sometimes do unkind things and you can address the behaviour without making him feel hopeless bad.

Wonderwoman - picking up on what you said about your ds's activities at home ... Apart from tv and playstation, and 'physical' activities, does he enjoy 'quieter', more concentrated play, such as with Lego, Playmobil or Meccano? And do you spend/have the time to do some of these things with him? Or jigsaws, drawing ... even play-doh still.
Maybe these quieter' and more relaxing types of play could help concentration, and lead to a calmer approach generally?
Just a thought.