How do you cope with the know-it-all-mother of a younger child?

[Chandra]

That's it really, I feel like just stop seeing her but I think that there should be wiser strategies that allow us to keep the peace without stoping seeing each other.

What annoys me is that she is plainly judgemental, DS can't go slightly out of rails without her saying "My daughter never behave like that", "My daughter knows she won't get away with it" or "We don't keep such "food" in our house", "we will never do that", etc. But.... I don't see her girl behaving better than my DS at her age, she knows some things are good for children and ignores many others, just as I did, so I feel as if we were being judged under the wrong parameters, and probably in a years time she will see her DD acting just as my DS does, but by then she will be busy criticising DS about other things older children do.

I already explained to her that DS behaved just like her DD at her DD age, that he was a great sleeper, that people always complimented us on how well behaved he was, but children change, and suddenly all strategies that worked quite well in the past don't work anymore and you have to search again for others that do. But she doesn't listen...

So, I'm basically searching for ways to shut her up without being rude. Any suggestions?

If this annoys you now, think how much you will want to slowly asphyxiate her in a few years. Just kick her into touch.

Soem of those remarks are the work of genious, please keep them coming, pleeeaseee

Carrying a small book/spreadsheet...uhm I guess that I'm so annoyed that I'm unwillingly carrying a mental one. And yes, many times she doesn't practices what she prays and her DD misbehaves regularly (as any other child do). Hence why the holier than thou aproach is getting to me.

I can not simply stop seeing her, we share a couple of children activites which involve me giving her a lift to one of the classes and regular get togethers over the weekends orchestrated by our respective DHs who work toghether.

From time to time I complain about this sort of things happening to me, and I think if this happen that often is because I'm doing something wrong. I believe that "something" is that I smile and try to forget about stinking remarks until I can't cope with them and just stop seeing people, which has made me a bit lonely so...any help in that area is also very welcome.

Its not that you're doing anything wrong its just that unfortunately there can be a lot of these people about.

I had my ds only knowing one friend with a child and she moved away. I have been trying to meet more through netmums meet a mum board. I've met one who has become a lovely friend (went to see her today actually) and have only been on there a few months. Hoping to meet others. MAybe something like this would be up your street. It can be lonely being a mum when you are surronded by people who you don't 'click' with but they are the only other parents you know.

Sorry to go on a bit, but just to say I get lonely too (not seeing old (childless) friends as much and finding it difficult to make new ones).

Where are you based by the way?

Thanks ILC. Someway I know that If I let off some steam from time to time I wouldn't get so annoyed and people will respect me a bit more (rather than being suprised about such uncharacterist reaction of my "calm" self.... Problem is I don't know how to do it! Argh!!!

I'm in the North East

Ooh I have the same problem - all I get all the time is 'oh your so laid back'. Umm well I have high blood pressure since the age of 19 and many other stress related health problems. But when you do finally explode they go into shock. Ah well, I don't know how to regularly explode gently either.

I'm in south west by the way (Bristol).

Am with Jimjams on this one. Have an almost identical friend - except her ds is a year older (3) than mine (2), and we can't see her without plentiful remarks about how her ds never did that, or did do something; how her approach to parenting is the mutt's nuts; how we should do - or not do - x/y/z with our son; how so and so, would you believe it, haven't even been on a parenting course - ad nauseum. And like Jimjams, I was feeling so drained and deflated after seeing her; wondering if my parenting was so sh*t that it warranted others' unsolicited pointers x 100.

Although I've recently moved to the village where she lives (yikes!), I have managed - without seeming rude (I hope!) - to avoid her quite a bit. I was weighing up the gains we were getting from the friendship (not a lot) versus the costs (me in a foul, self-doubting mood for days at a time) - and seeing her a lot less seems like the best way.

There's some comfort in knowing that she talks about other friends and their parenting "errors" behind their backs, too - so it's not just me, and she's clearly pretty self-doubting herself to need to do this at all. Although equally, I know she'll have been harping on about my supposed parenting blunders to mutual friends.

Anyway, a long rambly way of saying, if you don't need this friendship (i.e. you've got other mums, dads and little ones to mix with), politely sack it. Then sit back and enjoy the serenity.

Yes, i agree with others, cut her out of your life, or reciprocate the smuggery twofold.

Eggybread... I feel like applying your friend's strategy to her to see how does she feel although someway I think she may not be as patient as me.

But...Yeah, you all are right...I have just had a conversation with DH on the phone asking him to stop their plan for a holiday together. I have to say that the last time we spent a full day with them ,DH ended up sleeping on the sofa for a week. Another little arrangement in "my behalf" will get him out of the house...

It's not that they are bad people, no, main problem is they rarely open their mouths, so we endure endless silent hours until DS gives them some conversation...

Thanks.

chandra - life is too short for that..... other than laughing at her and saying yeah whatever - I would just let it die a natural death.....

my potential sil has no children and just LOVES to give me helpful advice about all four of mine..when I hear the phrase do you think you should.....I don't listen any further - i get too wound up! I am just waiting till she has one of her own

I would probably be overly wildly enthusiastic - then if everything changes she will feel a fool and if her dd is indeed a little angel you will have got into the spirit.

I would not do the "you have all this to come" because as you say your ds is normal, normal, normal and you don't mind whatever it is that is peeing her off, and so presumably she won't mind when her dd does it.

Chandra, I know someone like that too. I agree with harpsichordcarrier, jimjams, eggybreadandbeans and others who have said she's not really a friend. I wouldn't bother with clever, infuriating remarks though - sometimes it does one good to think of them but they don't really help. I think your best options are:
tell her how you really feel about her comments (which may result in neither of you speaking to the other);
avoid her;
put up with her with gritted teeth if you really, really have to.

Oh Apronstrings! don't start me on SIL... her more out of target piece of advice/solution to all our problem was..."force his mouth open and shove the food in, if he complains a good smacking will sort him out" fantastic advice, especially for an 8m old baby!.

I think a bit of holidays will make us good. I'm really short of saying something nasty if she continues the same way.

Thanks again.

Chandra lol about sil - potential sil is like yours soooo wide of the mark its laughable - but also tells my mum how to cook jacket potatoes etc - so at least I know its not just me

I find a well-placed bout of hysterical laughter tends to work well

mwahahahahahahahaahahahaaaaaaa

for added emphasis follow it with a 'Oh I hope you don't mind if I tell xxxx what you just said .. she'll find it so funny too'

or

"That's nice that you think that .. you hold on to it as long as you can"

"Do you remember before you had children how you felt you knew exactly where parents were going wrong .. funny how that keeps going throughout the ages of your child"

or

"You'll learn"

or

"Will you just shut up you're really getting on my tits now"

pmsl @ tinygang's "Get this hat and smile sweetly whilst slowly and pointedly putting it on."

and Twiglett's "That's nice that you think that .. you hold on to it as long as you can"

A little update here...

WE have not seen each other much in the last weeks, but her DD stayed overnight a couple of weeks ago, and DS went to them last weekend...

Anyways, as soon as I handed DS bag and instructions she said "WHAT???? is he still using nappies at night??? DD is not using nappies anymore and she has never had an accident!"

Yesterday I went to pick DS up and while we where chatting her girl kindly poed on her carpet!!! she even tried to blame DS for it! I couldn't stop smiling! but couldn't stop myself from saying "DS has never done that!!!

I would just indulge her with a knowing smile inside. Allow her to have her moments when she thinks everything is going great ( surely we are all allowed those moments) safe in the knowledge that her world will come crashing around her soon.

PMSL at shit on carpet- I told you it would all come crashing down!

How id she try to blame you ds for that? Priceless

Yes, she asked me if I was sure it wasn't DS's!