Has anyone managed to keep a good friendship going when you are at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum?

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i.e. if one of you believes children should be kept as innocent as possible and the other one is in favour of honesty and openness and takes no notice of things like certificates on films or video games?

This is affecting two good friends of mine and I really don't know how to advise them to move forward. They're best friends and their children are very pally too and go to the same school, but this is causing more and more issues. Has anyone negotiated some kind of agreement which works with a friend?

Please, I'd be really grateful. I've changed my name in case they come here for advice - I know all about Boden, 4, parp, fishfingers etc.

Um, not sure certificates on films and games has anything to do with openness and honesty, but...

My first thought is 'meet without the kids' and my second is 'unless they can find compromises'.

Sorry, not so helpful...just wanted to respond. You sound like a lovely friend.

(4??)

Sorry, didn't explain myself very well. She has already had a frank discussion about sex with her 6 yo DD, instigated by my friend rather than her DD IYKWIM.

oops, pressed post too quickly there.

Because she's already had this chat, other friend's children know far more info than she had hoped at this stage (oldest DD is 6 in both families).

Difficult. TBH if I notice that someone's parenting style varies drastically from my own and I really dislike the way they do things, I do tend to keep away from them.

Haven't come across the particular problem you mentioned but if for instance I see parents slap or shout at kids, which is something I hate, I steer dd away and if they're friends of ours, I just distance myself.

Think if I valued the parent so much, I would find something to do without kids to keep the friendship going but somehow not bring dd into her sphere too often. Easier said than done though because the other parent will always be suggesting joint activities with kids.

are they friends or are they friends becuase of their children - why not take kids out of the equation.

if not - they must accept to live and let live - then come and bitch about it on mumsnet

i had kids when rhuby didn't - i just didn't bore the shit out of her with baby stuff.

They met at a toddler group but are definitely friends in spite of the kids IYKWIM. Trouble is, they have to encounter each other twice a day, every day at the school gates.

Ah. Well, I agree with the others really....I think I would try and meet without the children, if they were really important to me as friends. Otherwise, if I felt my child/ren were being affected in ways that bothered me or them - I'd steer clear. Its sad when that happens, but I can't see any other way.

Maybe your friend needs to have a back-up in the guise of another mum who sees things similarly? So they are 2:1 when they all go out?

Mind you she has already talked to her dd about sex, so dd may well pass it on when the kids are playing. Is this the only problem or are there other things she's been saying/doing as well?

There's other things I think - I don't really know the details.

They're both really lovely people, just very different in their parenting.

I have a friend who I wouldn't say is at opposite ends, but she does do things very differently from me. I think she probably thinks I'm a regimented control freak mixed with sheer negligence, as I do bedtimes, mealtimes (roughly), naughty step, etc., but tend to let the kids go upstairs on their own, in the garden on their own, let them sort their own fights out unless it looks on A&E point, etc. Whereas she does allowing child to stay up as long as the tantrum will keep her there, inconsistency (imo), worrying about food non-consumption and being nervous about if they spill stuff.

I think the way we get round it is basically very rarely discuss parenting issues. We just talk about the stuff which interests us not to do with kids - mainly politics, feminism and our neighbours. And also, we don't comment on each other's way of doing stuff. When DS is there, I accept he'll do things her way, when her DD is here, she knows she'll do things my way.

The sex stuff is a bit of a specific difficult issue. I wouldn't mind if a friend told my DD/ DS about sex, but otoh I wouldn't consider it my business to tell their child about sex. Sometimes kids ask questions at an inconvenient time, though don't they, and I guess if you are trying to answer their questions honestly, it would be difficult to do without telling any other child in the room more than their parents would want them to know. I'd probably get round it by distracting, saying "we'll talk about it later, at bedtime - x hasn't come round here to talk about this, he's come to play - what about lightsabres?" or something.

However, with the sex stuff, some parents will tell their children more than your friend will want to tell hers, and they will then relay that to her at some stage, possibly earlier than your friend will want. I don't really think there's any way round that. But with the PG things, I'd just tell her that I don't want my child watching any non-U certificate stuff unless she's checked with me first. What you do with your own kids is one thing, but imo if you're going to show a ten year old a 15 film, you should ask their parents first, it's just common courtesy.

I nearly started a thread like this a couple of weeks ago!
I have a very dear friend - we've known each other for more than 20 years. Her children are older than mine (her youngest is 8, my eldest is 4)and we do meet up with all the children - mostly, I suspect because it's very difficult for either of us to meet up without them. However, the last time I saw her I felt she was disapproving of the way I dealt with DS1's behaviour he is IMO a typical 4 year old (see other thread for details!) and I left feeling very inadequate. She would be terribly upset if she knew I felt like that but her parenting style is very formal and (dare I say it) a little "precious". Also, her 11 year old complained that my DS1 was "misbehaving" all day when I thought DS1 just wanted to play rough and tumble with him, as he does with all his friends who are that age.
I really think the only option is to meet without the children.

I nearly started a thread like this a couple of weeks ago!
I have a very dear friend - we've known each other for more than 20 years. Her children are older than mine (her youngest is 8, my eldest is 4)and we do meet up with all the children - mostly, I suspect because it's very difficult for either of us to meet up without them. However, the last time I saw her I felt she was disapproving of the way I dealt with DS1's behaviour he is IMO a typical 4 year old (see other thread for details!) and I left feeling very inadequate. She would be terribly upset if she knew I felt like that but her parenting style is very formal and (dare I say it) a little "precious". Also, her 11 year old complained that my DS1 was "misbehaving" all day when I thought DS1 just wanted to play rough and tumble with him, as he does with all his friends who are that age.
I really think the only option is to meet without the children.

oops - didn't mean to do that!

Only by keeping the kids out of it.

Yes, can be done, but can be tricky.

i have a great friend but she is much less conventional than I am. She is a recovered heroin addict, covered in tattoos etc. She is much more honest with her dd than I am with mine (both are 3 nd a half) and allows much more access to more grownup TV (e.g.Big Bro's Little Bro) films (has watched The Lost Boys with her dd, mine still needs company to watch the witch's transformation scene in Snow White). We rub along ok. I'm sure she thinks i cna be a bit precious about keeping dd1 innocent; equally, I can be a bit shocked at times, but we both keep these opinions to ourselves. our girls are great pals too. Not sure how I would handle the sex situ you refer to, but basically its a case of live and let live. Works for us!

I am assuming (perhaps wrongly) that you are the Mum. In my house Mum is has the final say, never let Dads decide which films and games they can see, they won't be the ones comforting them during the night when they wake up screaming.

I also set the rules for bedtimes and meals etc other wise it would be a free for all, I was away for 6 days and had to write an instruction booklet, plus I told DS not to let Dad let tham watch DVD's all night. .

Sorry realised it is your friends, still same rules apply.

This isn't advice, sorry, but what happened to me once is this lovely Polish woman I really really like used to keep talking about the German occupation of Poland in front of her ds and my dd. Her ds (5) seems to take it in his stride, my dd was 4.

My friend started talking about her grandmother who was sent to a concentration camp for giving bread to a Jewish man, how she died there. I asked her not to talk about in front of dd which she found really strange. Her sisters were there and although I asked them maybe 5 times not to talk about in front of my dd, they kept bringing it up - how Polish children would be killed (head smashed against the wall) for speaking a word of Polish in class etc, strung up along the street (here she showed some photos from a history book)

It's not that I think this should be denied or not discussed but I don't want a child that age hearing about those things and getting nightmares. I really think you need to prepare small children if you are going to let them hear that kind of thing.

The Polish famkily just couldn't see why I'd have a problem with it, it's their history so they talk about it, a lot, and in a lot of detail. So I now visit them on my own and don't bring dd with me. I mean you can only ask so many times and try and change the subject and if doesn't work, what else can you do but keep your dc away?

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to post. I guess they will just have to work out some kind of comprimise that they're both happy with. Easier said than done though .

Me and cod are quite friendly

Ok my thoughts on it are that they can either have a full and frank exchange of views, and discuss things as and when they come up, let off steam, disagree, have it all out and come to some sort of peace on these issues

which will either work well for them, in which case bingo, or cause resentments and drive them apart

OR

they can be superficial friends and just see each other occasionally, keep things light and safe but not skirt into any personal territory.

And probably over time drift apart.

So not a great prognosis really, but I think as much as we would all like to say that we could be friends with anyone, regardless of differences, in reality it is very very hard. I think it is something evolutionary in us that wants to stay with others like us - the safety of the tribe etc. It can be done but you would be constantly going against the grain to do it

Thanks F&Z and cat, I think you're both right really. Such a shame, but it's been building for a while. Just have to work out a way to remain friends with both of them if things remain frosty. What a mess .

I must say I have quite minor differences in parenting styles to most of my friends, but I find it a struggle even so (and imagine they do too). I do tend to have quite strong views