Convince me 3yr age gap is better than 2yrs.

[fionabeeb]

I have DS 15mo and have always wanted my children close together in age. I reckoned 2 year age gap. This is looking unlikely. I needed fertility treatment for DS1 and will need similar for DC2. NHS funding is available but waiting lists are incredible at approx 1.5yrs! I could go private but costs are so high and I feel it would add so much more stress to the situation knowing money was being frittered away at every failed attempt. The temptation is enormous though. It's even more frustrating as my GP surgery lost my referral letter and therefore my referral was delayed by four months (I saw GP in February and wasn't referred until June!! more lost time) so instead of being seen in October I need to wait until January. I suffered really bad sickness and SPD in my first pregnancy so a bigger age gap would be easier if I felt awful again. Can anyone convince me the longer age gap is better? I have always wanted two small children growing up so close in age and of course getting the babystage gone more quickly so we can go on adventures with them both. I also like the double buggy idea as we walk alot and a two year old would be more amenable to this than a three year old. Am I being silly? It sounds silly but my desire is so strong. When was it ever a good idea to give women a broody gene?

I am due DC2 when DD is 2.11 so this is all music to my ears.

Things I've noticed already, DD is totally out of nappies and can dress herself to a certain extent, put shoes on etc. she's done with her cot and highchair etc, so no need to buy anything much.

BTW we've still invested in a tandum buggy, because I walk a lot, longish distances too far for a 3 yo to manage, plus DD will still nap nicely in a buggy so it will be worth being able to go out with both of them lying down.

Also DDs nursery funding comes through when baby will be 3 mo so she can carry on going to nursery while I'm on mat leave.

There is 2 yrs and 11months between dc. I wanted a bigger gap but sometimes these things happen. Dd loved riding on a buggy board. Couldn't face a double buggy!!!

It will be what it will be - another DC is blessing, 2 years, 3 years, it really doesn't matter much does it. It will be loved the same regardless.

Do you work? It might be cheaper if you do need to pay for childcare to pay for the treatment and have a summer 2014 baby rather than wait and have an autumn/winter 2014 baby as you would have 1 less year of childcare costs. Obviously I have no idea what type of treatment you need or the costs, but I have realised quite how much extra DD is going to cost as a result of being a Sept rather than Aug baby, so it is worth throwing into the mix, but it is a bit of a gamble.

Thank you to everyone who has replied I feel alot better reading this. I liked the comment about it being two children I desperately wanted rather than two children close together. I think the nursery place for DS1 will help alot. I do work breatheslowly but only 2 days per week and family are good to watch my DC(s) so no money would be needed for childcare.

I wanted 2 yr age gap too but for various reasons it didn't happen and instead there 3yrs and 1month between DS and DD

It is so good! I don't know about your DC but looking back DS definitely hadn't reached the maturity to deal with having a sibling much earlier - as it is he is great with her, on the whole patient and loving, is really helpful and she thinks the sun shines out of his arse!

They're already playing well together (they're nearing 2&5) as from seeing the experiences of my friends, certainly when DC1 is a boy, 3yrs + has been easier all round. I think under 18mo is now easier for some as they're so close in age but babyhood was hell!

Whatever will be will be and you will only know what you have, so much depends on temperament regardless of age - of 4 friends who have a 2-3yr age gap, 2 have had it quite difficult with jealousy issues, one no prob at all (DC1 is a very mature little girl) and the other had SEN DC2 so DC1 (who is anyway quite mature and placid) has had a totally different older sibling role to fulfil anyway

Good luck with the treatment, whenever it happens

I have a 4 year gap and a 9 year gap and I love it. DS1 had plenty of time as the only then DS2 had even more. The 4 year gap meant days out weren't too hard as they were both similar in age enough to enjoy the same things - DS3 came along when DS1 was almost 13 and while I have loved having DS3 so long after the others he's a bit like an only child in that he's not fighting for attention or sharing toys in the way they did. DS1 is off to uni in 4 weeks and I'm sure it will be really tough on DS3 who is now 6 and worships his biggest brother.

I'm guessing your DS was a fairly easy baby OP?! my DD was incredibly hard to look after for the first few months (premature, slept only on me, tongue tie, wouldn't nap etc etc) so I have already decided that the age gap between her and any dc2 will need to be at least 3 years, so that if dc2 turns out to be equally difficult or even more so, I might actually have some time to look after them... seriously there is no way I could have managed dd and a 2 year old.

3.7 year gap here, and only downside was how stressed I got trying to conceive dc2. They get on amazingly well - possibly helped that ds's two friends at nursery both got young siblings who then started at nursery too, so he wanted a baby at his house as well.

So reliably toilet trained, old enough to watch a TV programme while I do something, understands waiting, would bring me a book to read to him in the mornings while I fed the baby, and while I had had to go back to using the buggy while heavily pregnant, by 3 weeks of dd in a sling he was out of it, then hid it for 3 weeks before it surfaced as a pram. And old enough to tell grandparents what he wanted so he was happy to sleep over with them while I was giving birth and have days out with them.

No rivalry, just a captive audience - only downside was ds getting into Lego just as she got mobile, but keeping them in separate rooms worked. Ds is now a stroppy nearly 5yo but dd can almost always cheer him up!

I don't know anyone with an age gap of less than two years that has had an easy time of it, yet they've all said that once the first year is over it gets much easier and the kids play well together! We will have 21 month gap but I would have loved a bigger gap for childcare cost reasons, and many of the reasons outlined by other posters. For us it came down to my age and not wanting to risk leaving TTC any longer... Am sooo delighted to be expecting DC2 but given the choice would definitely have liked a bigger gap!

I have a 3.3 year age gap and think it's far better than 2. Ds1 could be reasoned with and communicate when ds2 was born, and could put his own shoes on. He was and still is very proud and protective of his brother and although they bicker, as they get older they play together more. I had a lovely maternity leave year with ds2 as ds1 was at preschool so we had every morning on our own.

I've never seen the attraction of the 2 year gap tbh . Good luck!

minipie no on the contrary DS1 was a very difficult baby. He had colic and silent reflux. he had breathing problems which made him very noisy and we had several hospital appointments to attend regularly and spent a few nights in hospital with on on two separate occasions. He was very clingy and hated his pram so it was very hard. I can't say I look forward to the tiny baby stage, rather I'd like it over sooner so we can enjoy the later months.

Oh that does sound hard Fionabeeb. I can't imagine doing all that and with a 2 year old to look after as well... But I can see your point about getting it over with too in a kind of 'what doesn't kill us makes us stronger' kind of way

I know people with a wide range of age gaps, from 10 mins (twins) to 20 years.

Pros and cons to all, also depends on the child, other support available, your health etc.

The chances of SPD recurring are greater if your next pregnancy is sooner rather than later. This is not fun with a 2 year old.

I have a 2 yr 4 month gap that play well together, but know plenty of 3+ year-ers who play equally as well together.

What froggers said ^^. I have just had dc2 (bfing him right now so apologies for cack handed response). Dc1 is 3 years 7 months and its still hard work nalancing their needs, but way way easier than it would have been last year.

Sadly I had hoped for a smaller gap but lost two babies between my lovely boys. Sorry to be a downer, but depending on your age / state of your tubes, I'd say if you want more children, don't wait. Babies don't just arrive when you plan them!

I wanted a two year age gap, but for various reasons ended up with an age gap of almost 3 years exactly (just a couple of weeks out). I think it is perfect...

My two DDs are older now (9 and 6) and they are very close. They really are the best of friends, even choosing to play together at school (instead of their own friends sometimes). They have sleepovers in each other's bedrooms and just get on so well, particularly now they go to the park together - it's bliss!

I think the age gap does help to lessen the sibling rivalry, because they both understand that what DD1 does is good for a 9 year old, and what DD2 does is good for a 6 year old and so on.

Both my girls do the same hobbies, and so they go at the same time to do the same things (and I get a few hours peace and quiet). A three year age gap does necessarily not stop them doing them doing the same hobby at the same time ime.

Most of my friends / their friends have similar age gaps too. So there are lots of children in school who have one sibling in DD1s class, and one in DD2s class. That helps, because when do outings out, both tend to have friends to play with .

I agree with the other comments that life is so much easier when they are little too. By the time DD2 was born, DD1 was out of nappies, able to converse and help. She loved being a big sister and would go and fetch things for me to help - nappies, wipes, nappy cream etc... Also, I didn't have to change buggies. DD1 just walked, and when she got tired I put her in the buggy and DD2 into the sling. That made life so much easier. I tried buggy boards, never really got into them. I also just used to take a scooter for DD1, and that worked well too (and bung it back in the pushchair when finished). Its also one heck of a lot cheaper, because the free childcare kicks in, so you're only having to pay for one child at a time.

But, and I say this with a big but... I do think gender comes in to play too. My friend (who has sons) says she could never leave her two together because her DS1 would be too rough with her DS2, and so did not have all the benefits I mentioned. He wasn't interested in being a big brother / helping etc. She puts it down to him being a boy. I wouldn't know.

Also, my friend was desperate to have two close together. She has two years between hers (she wanted closer but it took a while) and hers fight like cat and dog. But, I wonder whether that's because of gender and personality...

In short, I don't think you can say having two closer together in age will make them closer - its down to personality. I know some siblings (same gender) with just over a year's difference who fight like cat and dog. I know another sibling pair (two year age gap) who openly say that they hate each other and do not get on at all, and then I've got a three year gap and have girls who do... In short, I think gender and personality are so much more important as to whether siblings will get on than age (unless there is a big gap of course), that I really wouldn't base my decision on that!

1. Sorry that was so long...

and

1. They do fight too - they're not angels, of course they bicker too. But they play together all the time, so its natural that they'd fight as part of that .

Mine have a 3yr 12 day age gap and now at 6 and 3 they are the best of friends. Yes they sometimes bicker but this is to be expected in siblings whatever the age gap imo. However they are generally so good together, they are best when left to their own devices I have often overheard their conversations when they think no one is listening and it is obvious they are very close and care a lot for each other.

I don't know about it from a parent's perspective, but there are 3 years between my and my brother, and we are extremely close. And my memories of growing up are all of us playing together.

I have 3.5 years between mine and it is great.

I was able to enjoy them as babies separately, nursery fees didn't cripple me, DS went to school so I had alone time with DD, DD goes to bed earlier and napped so I had time with DS.

They play together now she is a bit older, it's lovely to see them be a little team :)

3.9 years between mine, it is great, DS is so independent, he can wait, keep himself entertained, fully dry day and night since he was 2.3 yo, no regression when his sister arrived, follow clear instructions as in please bring Mummy the nappy cream or let me know when his sister climbs on the sofa if I turn my back one second, love his sister a lot. Of course sometimes he gets upset because she destroys his Lego or tears apart his drawings, but no rivalry really so far. I felt guilty for not having lots of quality time with DS when DD was a newborn but now at 13 months, we have great time together, either the 3 of us or just me and him when she naps or goes to nursery. Also DS was at nursery/school when she was tiny so I also had quality time with her too.
Most friends with kids with close age gap did not enjoy the first 2.5/3 years when the second baby arrived or it is just a blur in their mind.
Don't worry OP. Hope you get good news soon whatever you decide or wish and actually happen, sometimes mother Nature does not really listen :)