Facts of Life for 4 year olds

[indignatio]

ds is nearly 4. new baby due in Jan. ds is not offically aware of my pregnancy as yet. We have had several vague discussions about babies and where they come from as many friends have been having babies recently. So far the party line has been: mummies have eggs in their tummies and if an egg gets fertilized then a baby starts to grow and comes out of mummies tummy when it's ready. So far so good - he has picked up from somewhere else that babies come out of mummies bottoms when they are ready. When he asks about fertilization I have distracted him and so not had to answer the question. I have bought two books "Made with love" by Kate Petty and "How did I begin" by Mick Manning. I have not shown him either as yet (as both have parts I consider a little too explicit for his age). So I have several questions arising out of this:

1.How much information should I give him. Special cuddle sounds fine to me - penis and vagina interaction does not. He is v v curious and if he doesn't ask the question immediately, several days later in Tescos he will ask - in a loud voice HOW DOES DADDYS SPERM GET INTO YOUR TUMMY

2.Should I forwarn the mothers of his close group of friends that we have going to have this talk. I ask this because on being told how dinasours became extinct, he managed to tell everyone he met over the next 3 weeks. Including repeatedly the friend who had given him the information in the first place.

3.If your advice is to steer away from penis and vagina chat, at what age would you advocate having this discussion.

4.Who told you the facts of life? At what age? and did you understand it correctly? (personally - my next door neighbour(12) when I was 11 and I certainly got the wrong end of the stick!)

Many thanks in advance

bumpity bump - please help

I believe in telling children the truth when they ask; if they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to be given the real answer, albeit in simplified form. I certainly think that age 4 is old enough to be given the basics - including penis/vagina interaction if they ask.

My dd was 3 when she asked about where babies come from, so I told her they come from a special place inside their mummy's tummy. Her next question was how the baby gets inside there, so I told her that daddy has a seed that he puts inside mummy's tummy, it joins together with an egg which is already inside mummy, and together the seed and the egg grows into a baby, just like seeds in the garden grow.

And yes, she wanted to know how daddy puts the seed there, so I told her with his willy, she asked where he put his willy and I told her. She just nodded sagely and went back to her colouring book. I don't think it's a big deal, to be honest; I would say just to answer the particular question he asks and don't elaborate unless he asks you to.

Children are remarkably accepting of these things, and I believe that we owe it to them not to lie to them about how these things happen. I wasn't told anything about the facts of life by my parents at all, and I don't want my dd to be as ignorant as I was about what happens to her body.

With regard to telling other parents, I suspect that many of them will already have told their children something about the facts of life, so it may not be a problem.

If you want to show him a book about the facts of life, Babette Cole's Mymmy Laid an Egg is good - a bit irreverent, but I like that in a book! It does contain cartoon-type illustrations that show mummy and daddy having their "special cuddle" though (on a space-hopper in one of the pictures!) so if you really are worried about getting into the "penis/vagina interaction" bit you might like to look at the book first to make sure it's acceptable to you.

agree with WWB - be matter of fact about it. Dh has told our 3 (between 3 and 5) the basics - partly to try to discourage them from damaging their bits while discovering they are fun to yank around . Along the lines of - if you want to be a daddy when you grow up you have to be a bit more gentle with that - then follow up the inevitable why question with how they might want to use it later to put the seed into their "wife" to make a baby with.

I also go for the "tell it like it is" approach, if they ask I don't mind telling them the graphic truth.

currently my dds are very interested in Mooncups! i was hiding this from them til challenged by a friend who said her 6 year old knew all about periods.

we have not however got as far as describing how their friends who have lesbian mummies have been conceived. but they haven't asked that properly yet.

Thank you WWB and Throckenholt. I do agree with being honest with him - have tried to be so - so far - WWB did you not find that your daughter wished to impart this information to others ?

No, she didn't, nor when I told her about periods. Maybe because I didn't make a big thing of it; if she'd thought it was something naughty or rude perhaps she would have done, but I was very matter of fact about it. She's 5 now and has still not said anything to any of her friends.

Dinasours have never struck me as naughty or rude - I just have a little show off and when he knows something insists on telling all and sundry about it.

my ds wanted to know how the baby would come out (which i explained - mummies have a hole between where they wee and poo, to which he responded "is it a big hole mummy?" "it will be" I replied ) but never asked how it got in there, when he does I will explain.

BUT - he would also repeat the information to everyone, we had a discussion about mozzy's the other week and he graphically told EVERYONE how they suck your blood. So I understand where you are coming from on this.

So does my dd usually, but I promise you that she's not said a word to other children on this subject. To be honest I wouldn't have thought it was a big deal if she had - as long as the information is correct I personally don't think it's a terrible thing for children to hear about.

and agree that the fact that he would repeat shouldnt be an issue, it wouldnt to me

as to how i found out - my mum told me around 10

I have a4 year old ds and think he does not need to know yet about daddy's willy putting the seed into mummy, doe sthat make me a prude?

He has asked about baby's and I just told him that daddy put a seed in mummy's tummy and he was happy about that. he asked did I swallow the seed and I said yes.

Thanks CatherineG - Given than I am big enough and ugly enough to deal with the little old lady in Tescos who is shocked and any other adults - (I will embarrass my ds horribly one day by just dancing so he is getting his turn first on this) should I email my close group to tell them what I have told him - so they know from where their little darlings have picked up this latest info and can expand/correct the info

dds were asking some questions the other day. it included how long it took for the baby to come out. I said it could be as long as a day - which dd found hilarious - "WHAT you can't go out ALL day because there's a baby half out of you inbetween your legs?" can't say that not being able to go out was on my mind particularly at the time. But it's maybe an example of how they see these things as just slotting into every day life. I think she thought they just popped out, perhaps inbetween the school run and tea-time

Thanks Northerner for an opposing view. I couldn't go along with the swallow scenario - not true and opens up another can of worms !!

he might harbour that comment for years you know, northerner.

hum, I'd probably mention it in passing to friends, but ds would also be likely to tell everyone at pre-school too (he is 3.9) and I wouldn't tell everyone we meet that I have explained the facts of life to him (in the same way as I didn't tell them about the mozzy conversation).
you never know, he might not ask, I was amazed mine didnt.

northerner, i dont think it makes you a prude, just that for me i dont see the point in giving incorrect information,

bugger baby just threw up on me, have to go

I don't think we do our children any favours by lying to them about these things, to be honest. I think it confuses them, and I really don't think it does them any harm to tell them a simplified version of the truth. You don't need to go into detail, they don't want detail, just the basics. It's not telling them about sex yet, just the mechanics of the seed getting inside a woman.

I wish my mother had told me the truth when I asked her - instead of which she told me she found me under a gooseberry bush, and I was left to find out for myself about the facts of life. She didn't think it mattered, but it would have been useful to at least know what periods were when I started them at the age of 9.

I wasn't proposing to tell preschool mums - figured the staff should be listening in and could deal with anything which arose at school - thinking more of his friends from my antenatal group - who happily go off to bedrooms/bottom of the garden and have conversations that the mums know nothing about - until a titbit is regurgiated later

Thanks WWB - no gooseberry bushes in garden. ds would expect a baby every time we went to bird world if I went with the stork option. So the truth it will have to be - still not sure about the need for penis/vagina conversation - but how else (no way am I swallowing it!!) does the sperm get to the egg in language suitable for a 4year old

seems to me preschool kids are surrounded by people having babies - it is that age group when siblings often appear - so we often see people going through the stages of pregnancy to producing a baby.

They are also exploring their nappy free bodies and discovering that boys have willies and girls don't - the birds and the bees conversation just seems a natural progression of the observations of things going on around them.

They accept the explanation and get on with whatever they were doing - it is no big deal to them.

It is a much bigger issue for the parent than the child .

You can explain it in whatever detail you are happy with - just don't go for things that are not true - it will only cause confusion later on (and you have to remember what you told them too !).

Throckenholt - I agree with all of your post - however I'm still finding it hard to describe (in my head -in language suitable for my 4 year old) how the sperm gets from daddy's willy to mummy's tummy

The Babette Cole book says something about the lady having an egg inside her tummy, the man has seeds in a seed-pod outside his body and a tube that the seeds come out of. The tube goes into mummy's tummy through a little hole and then the seeds swim inside using little tails. It has drawings which point vaguely to the right areas but if you're not showing him the pictures it's not something that will bother you. You'll probably find that's enough for him; he may not even ask where the hole is at this stage.

mummy has a special tube called a vagina. daddy puts his willy in the tube when mummy and daddy have their special cuddle.(No, darling, you can't see it because it's a very special private place between mummy's legs).

Just in case you needed to know!

perm gets from daddy's willy to mummy's tummy

daddy puts it in mummy's tummy with his willy seems to be enough for my lot !