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Parenting

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Original poster

Could I end up loosing her?

49 replies

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 12:20

Am a regularish poster but don't want anyone I know to realise how worried I am.

For lots of reasons my dd has been really hard work for over a year now, the ante has just been upped as she has just found out her dad is having a baby with his new partner.

On a daily basis I take abuse both verbal and physical from my 4 year old dd, my life has been hellish for a long time now and I can't go on like this. I have tried everything to make the situtation better and it does work for a while until i get tired and loose control.
When stressed I asked dd dad to have her until she starts school in September to give me a break, allow her to spend time with him which may ease her insecurities about him.
I am now worried that if he has her for two months he may refuse to hand her back and say that I am sn unfit mother for allowing her to go in the first place. Can he do that?

OP posts:

Beetroot · 08/06/2006 13:50

where are you? can we help?

ProfYaffle · 08/06/2006 13:52

If the problem is that she is very bright and you are struggling to stimulate her could \link{http://www.nagcbritain.org.uk/activities/indexa.html\this organisation} help?

Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 14:01

I don't want to say where I am becuase it will give away who I am. Being a bit of a coward!

OP posts:

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Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 14:08

Thanks for that ProfYaffle I have sent them an email, although my area is not listed.

I don't know if if is a lack of stimulation, but the psychologist we saw, our doctor, the health visitor and many others have commented on how clever she is and that very bright children can be difficult.

The psychologist who saw her said he thought she was perhaps academically bright beyond her years but emotionally was still a 3/4 year old and this was causing a lot of conflict that she could not deal with.

OP posts:

thirtysomething · 08/06/2006 14:15

can't add much to what the others have said but if you have any legal concerns re custody the Children's Legal Centre offer a free legal helpline (haven't go the number but must have a website or similar!). Is there any chance of DD being able to start school early? Just wondering as she does sound very bright. Also have you ever tried homestart? They can often provide someone to come and help you for a few hours a week.

Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 14:23

Thanks, I know of Homestart throught work and they have groups that I could attend although they are quita a distance from me and I donlt drive. They also have a huge waiting list, again due to the high need of the area.

OP posts:

Beetroot · 08/06/2006 14:27

could you move to be closer to xh/fmaily/area with better facilities and better docot???

Beetroot · 08/06/2006 14:27

doctor

Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 14:34

We have discussed moving, but dd loves living here and she will be going to a fantastic school. I have also started a new job and it would look bad on my cv if i walked away without giving it 2 years at least - which was my plan.

We do live in a nice area but unfortunatley the only doctor I could register with is in a not so nice area with a lot of social problems and therefore getting any kind of help if you are not on the child proection register is practically impossible.

Her dad lives in London and we just couldnt afford to live there and mantain a similar standard of living and I would worry about schools. I think that would be trading one set of problems for another.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 08/06/2006 14:36

I am probably wrong! You say that your ex might not return her to you,; but, will his new partner want to care for her, and a newborn full time??

Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 14:36

My Mum lives near, but she works full time and has not been well, she finds dd more difficult than I do and has a lot less patience with her.

My other family all live in the SouthEast and again economics is a factor.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 14:40

I would think not! I know if I was expecting my first and she is very young I would not take on stepkids as well.

And at the moment they are living with her parents so I can see that they would object to their very young daughter having to care for a new born and a demanding pre schooler.

But then again my ex has always wanted dd and took it as a slight against himself when i was given residency and could access finances to get a place for his family including our dd. He is a controlling man and as I said his new partner is very young - I don;t know if she would stand up to him if my ex insisted on having dd.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 08/06/2006 15:02

Is there a chance that he is 'all mouth'? I'm sure there are a lot of people who think they want full custody, but don't realise there is more to full time single parenting than trips to the park or MacDonalds.

Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 15:03

After having spoken to my solicitor and a very nice lady at parentline I am close to a decision. I think I will send her to stay with her Dad for four - five weeks to give myself a break, she can have quality time with her dad and let him explain face to face about the baby. She will then come home for the start of the school holiday but still do two session a week at her nursery. I wil then have time over the summer to build bridges with her and prepare her for her new school.

Does this seem like more senesible action for evryone concerned?

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Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 15:06

My solicitor thinks he is all mouth and he said he would never get the residency reversed, but being the man he is my ex might think that he could and we could end up in a nasty and expensive legal battle, so by only allowing her to go for a shorter time I still get the break, she gets to see her Dad and hopefully have a nice summer at home and my ex willnot see it as a lisence to start questioning my parenting skills.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 08/06/2006 15:17

Seems like the sensible option to me, it will give you the break you obviously need, she gets quality time with her father & vice versa. plus, it might make him realise it's not all a bed of roses.

Best of luck to you, I hope it comes good!

Original poster

Anne1975 · 08/06/2006 15:19

Thanks.

Now one more decision. her preschool place expires at the end of July. I am about to play her fees for June, should I end her placement there or should I leave it there as a back up.

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Hadalifeonce · 08/06/2006 17:40

Sorry, had to do the school pick up thing!
Only you can really make that decision, I think if I were in your shoes, and I could afford it, I would keep te place as back-up. You can never really be sure that all will work out while she is 'down south', if it doesn't and she comes home earlier than expected, you could be in a worse situation if you have no child care in place.

But, that's only my hypothetical opinion, I don't know your financial situation; if your dd gets on with the girlfriend etc..

AngelaD · 08/06/2006 23:59

I think you have to keep her, I moved to my Grandparents house when I was 5 and my Mum visited whilst my parents got divorced. Our relationship has never recovered especially now I'm a mother myself I cannot understand the logic at all, keep her with you.
xxx

Original poster

Anne1975 · 09/06/2006 18:15

I have kept her place at nursery which was just as well as her dad is now humming and haing (sp?) about having her.

AngelaD thanks for your thoughts but I don't think dd spending time with her Dad is quite the same as moving in with grandparents. She is used to spending time with her dad and sleeping over for a number of days. She does have two parents, and just because one or both of us have behaved in a silly selfish manner in the past it does not mean we do not both have a resonsibilty to her. You do have a point about making dd feel unwanted, whihc is why she will not be going until september but for about four - five weeks which she is seeing as a holiday with her Dad.

My dp has then organised some time off over the summer so he can help me with her when she returns.

AngelaD I hope you don't think I am snapping at you, just feeling a bit sensitive.

OP posts:

Original poster

Anne1975 · 09/06/2006 18:21

My logic in sending her to her Dad's for a while is:

she needs time with her Dad to build up their relationship so she does not feel insecure and threatened by his new baby- this should improve her behaviour and lessen her anger with me.
DD starts school in September, this will be one of her last chances to spend some extended time with her father, and certainly her last chance to that before the baby arrives.

2)I am tired - as well as dd I have a lot of other commitments - one of which I have given up today so when dd returns I have more time and energy for her. The break will allow me to build up my strength and spend time reflecting on how things have gone so wrong and how I can help them go back to the way they were.

3)DD will miss me and I will miss her, maybe that will help us both - and I am thinking of me especially realise that we do have a special bond that we need to value and protect.

OP posts:

peachyClair · 09/06/2006 19:03

I don't know why you would be embarrassed- from everything I have seen on here you are a top Mother going through hell with a demanding child, who has tried everything they can to get help. You should be proud of that.

Does the school know of any summer playschemes? Even if it is a few days a week- could be enough. Sam is also (although going through a good patch atm) very violent, to me and his siblings, and a friend takes him for a few hours Saturday afternoons (she is a respite worker for a living). The difference even in that time is incredible.

The wasy you're being turned away just isn't on, regardless of where you live. Have you thought about changing GP, for example? Sometimes that can make an incredible difference.

I had a brief flip through Yahoo!- have you tried the NCH? they do stuff for difficult kids, BIBIC might also be able to help- you'd need to e-mail them (website is www.bibic.org.uk) to find out. They'd probably get you to do a free telephone interview to assess if they can help or not.

Really though she does need Paediatric / ed psych intervention if she's violent. As the BIBIBC lady we see says to me, its one thing being attacked by a six year old- one day he'll be an eighteen year old man...

Original poster

Anne1975 · 09/06/2006 19:21

I am not embaresseed so much as I do not want to take the chance of my ex or his family realising I am worried.

I looked at the bibic website and there are some great things but dd does not have a learning difficulty she is just an angry and frustated little girl and I am the one who is closest and so I am taking the brunt if it. I will look more carefully at the NCH one though

In the past I have managed to deal with this but am at the moment too tired and run down. I have managed this week to reduce my working week and cut down on my study commitments so I have more energy and can deal with the situation effectively.

She is not very violent but I do not want her to get that way , I want to her to understand that any violence is unnaceptable. At the moment she is throwing things at me and trying to shove me.

As I said before I work in a field linked to children's social services and they are supporting me as well. The lack of other support in my area does anger me, and if I had the time and energy I would do something about it as I know I am not the only one who has asked for help and been turned down because we are not seen to be deep enough into crisis.

Thanks Peachy for your kind words and support.

OP posts:

peachyClair · 09/06/2006 20:25

before I had ds3, I worked for Homestart which was also tiedvery closely with SS, it still took me years to get Sam the help I needed though.

Have you considered Gingerbread, the single parent charity? They have support lines, and also groups where you couold go together and people would understand the issues you face.

I wish you luck

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