Has parenting affected your mental health?

[NutsinMay]

There seems to be a lot of links about Mental Health affecting your ability to parent but nothing about parenting affecting your mental health(beyond post natal depression).

Yet although there have been times in my life when I've felt low, anxious, possibly more than that, I've never felt as anxious, stressed, neurotic, controlling, irritable, occasionally close to the edge as I have had since having children. I have no desire to have a relationship or go out (beyond doing stuff with the children as they are always much easier when out).

I do work part-time and that provides some relief but I wish weekends were something to look forward to like they used to be pre-children. Now they are the most tiring shifts of the week.

Having one was fine and didn't change me or my life that much (and I had a high needs baby) but having two for me is a whole another level.

I am tired very tired. I've not had an uninterupted night's sleep for about 5 years so I think that might be a major contributor but I find the fighting between siblings, the noise, the whining, the whinging- the demands of "mummy" shrieked in stereo are occasionally just too much to bear. I sobbed in front of them this morning because I just wanted them to leave each other alone. I sometimes fear picking up by daughter from school as I just don't the energy to cope with the afterschool grumpiness/meltdown/rudeness.

I know parenting isn't easy and I'm full of admiration for those who have more than two, do it alone or unsupported or have children with complex needs.

I do hear stories of women locking themselves in the bathroom to escape their kids and I know a lot of women got by on valium in the 70s and laudenum in the 1870s(or earlier) so I know it's not uncommon.

But I'm wondering why there isn't more written about this? Is the stress etc actually doing damage to my physical health? Is it normal? Does anyone else think they are going mad?

Thankfully, they are out with DP this afternoon as I've been on the go since 6.

Curry, hear, hear! Absolutely! Sadly, society/families have often tended to take convenient option of scapegoating a struggling individual/certain nonconformist type of individual (think "village idiot" historically) rather than reflect and consider how best to help. Our grandmothers were drugged up to the eyeballs with tranquilisers, our generation? Prozac, citalopram or 6 week quick fix CBT if you're really lucky, then STFU!

bitter and twisted, moi?!

Curryeater - I'm so with you! And perhaps the hardest thing of all is that DH is one of the most intelligent people I know, Oxbridge educated etc, but he appears to have no sense that his career right now is facilitated by me being the one who ensures his suit is cleaned, DD is cared for, finances are straight (in terms of budgeting, bills paid on time etc), I can be up with DD at the crack of dawn when he has early meetings, or in in an evening when he has to stay late - absolutely every other aspect of his life has me as back up, so to speak. But where's my back up?

We actually flew to the UK on holiday last week and he almost missed the taxi we had booked to the airport as he got delayed at work. He'd told me he'd be home a couple of hours early, so I could get the house straight, finalise packing, do last minute jobs without DD clinging to me (and I'm PG too so couldn't be lugging heavy suitcases downstairs). And I think it's fair to say that I've organised pretty much this whole trip, flights, hotels, vacation rentals, catch ups with friends and family. Anyway, I went mental. In fact, I was more annoyed than I think I've ever been with him. It's the sheer audacity of it - he can waltz back in at the final hour and he knows, he bloody knows, that I'll have sorted things as I always do. But I couldn't have just nipped out for a last minute coffee or a bit of time for myself. I was stuck in the house, waiting for him, wondering when he'd deign to turn up. He had the choice and mine seems to have been permanent removed.

In good and bad ways. Bad: got awful PND after DC2 (but, with ADs got over it, and long term would say it increased my empathy and has made me more aware of what loads of other people deal with.)

Good: while I totally identify with all the posts about anxiety about your DCs' safety, for me a huge bonus of becoming a mother was that I got rid of a ton of personal anxiety. Was close to housebound at points in my 20s and 30s with agoraphobia. Had worked hard and improved before DC1 was born, but giving birth triggered another big step towards almost-normal.

But whatever personal stories we all have, the truth remains that society does not make things easy for parents. A lot of post-natal mental health problems are, I think, a perfectly natural response to the crap that comes your way once you have a baby.

Wibbly yes I do think it is very relevant and the things get conflated. DH is a good man. He really is. But we used to be very equal and now we live in his place and his career is flying (I now have a job not a career),

Wow trailing mums - I admit I've been one of those people envious thinking how easy you had it, ie husband with great corporate job, financed move overseas, sun, new carefree sahm friends in the sunshine, nothing to worry about, maids (well my trailing mum friends in Singapore have maids!) - had got this quite wrong. Sorry.

Curry eater that water story is so apt. There are so many small things I do and notice that if I didn't we'd end up with a soggy blankets equivalent situation. This all facilitates DH in his life etc and he has no idea.
He leaves early in the morning every day often he has 'breakfast meetings'. It just makes me laugh (or cry). If I had a breakfast meeting I'd just have to cancel it. But he can do endless because I do all the school runs, packing school bags etc.

Was just horrified to look at the clock and discover it'd only 11am. I honestly thought it was 2pm!

Mac- well it IS often funny, but am not allowed own bank account, am trying to finish off a masters but my career seems so distant over that i can hardly be bothered to study switch off iplayer Not funded to come here either, our little adventure cost us thousands over the years. Still, got it out of our systems now!

Funny? Rarely, sunny? Often

Agree with so much here. What a great thread.

My youngest is now 12 and life gets easier but not sure I'll ever shake the anxiety, lying awake, going through what needs to be done in a normal day, like shopping, cleaning, packed lunches, checking homework, making doctor/dentist appointments, planning meals, washing, etc etc. It never ends. My dh will do anything I ask him to do but he's just another thing I have to organise because he can't think for himself. Agree with the person who said above, who made me the family pa?! And if I go out very occasionally he sits in front of the tv with dd, feeds her mcd muck and leaves everything in a tip!

I am self employed working from home and have recently also gone back to work part time but am really struggling to get everything done. Now have a cleaner once a fortnight for a couple of hours which I can't really afford but it's for my sanity! At least when I'm at work I feel a bit like a person again and not just a mum. But I don't know who I am anymore. I have no hobbies, interests. I have no energy for them.

What you are all saying really speaks volumes to me at the moment. If I was to try and self diagnose by mental state it would be a mixture of:

-Physical and mental exhaustion (not ?just? sleep deprivation) ? check

-Emotional/mental isolation ? check (I am physically surrounded by lots of friends, family etc but can only speak to one friend of how I truly feel)

-Anxiety ? check (I work PT and feel like I am doing 2 jobs badly. Constantly)

-Extreme anger ? check (it is a constant undercurrent. I am angry with DP, angry at work for being treated so differently since having DC etc)

-Extreme disappointment /Hopelessness - check (this comes and goes and is not constant. It?s not to do with DC directly but more a coming to terms with what is achievable post DC)

And yet, I am pretty sure I am not ?depressed? in the clinical sense. I have been depressed in the past, as a young adult, pre- DC. I had 2 years of therapy sorting out a lot of issues from my childhood. How I feel now is very different. I can?t put my finger on it. I have to say I didn't really ?get? feminism until I had DC. It?s like you leave a world where anything is possible and most things are under your control, you are respected for your achievements etc and your hopes and aspirations seem within your reach (to a certain degree). And then BANG. You have a child and because of the way society is structured it whips all that away from you. In a way it?s not to do with DC directly (if this makes sense). They are generally a great source of joy. But as I read somewhere once ... ?they turn everything else that you enjoyed to shit?.

I really relate with the posters up thread who mentioned about cooking meals for DH/DC on the days that they do ?childcare?. My DD (2yr) is looked after by DP one day a week. He finds it incredibly hard and stressful and I too make sure that everything is as easy as possible for him. Why? Because the fall out is too much for me. ? Just let him get on with it? ? I hear you all cry. I know this is what I should do but something in me can?t cope with thinking about DD being affected by a stressed DP or having to come home to tales of woe and stress.... And yet, DP is very willing and wants to be supportive? I feel like I am asking too much of him sometimes...

The things is, if you went into a business partnership with someone you wouldn't be cooking and freezing meals for them on the days you weren't in the office or had taken annual leave would you? You wouldn't let them get away with doing ?less? than you because they find the job stressful. People would think you were barmy. That you had selected an unsuitable business partner.... When I think of this analogy it makes me shudder....

I don?t know that there are any answers to all of this. We all seem to just muddle on don?t we, hoping for the best.

I am starting to witter now so will stop. But my heart goes out to you all. You are not alone. There are many of us who feel this way.

Goodness, this all rings so true, if we weren't all so far away we should go out for gin. He does do his fair share, but like many of you I organise that!

In terms of trailing, well it is sunny. It's beautiful. But there is NOTHING to do. We have beautiful beaches, but when you walk on them you are still in your own head. And it is so perfect that we have those beaches to ourselves, so not even anyone to stare at!

Likewise it has cost us thousands.....

This is so true about him doing his fair share but being organised by us. I think thats why I get so annoyed with DH! Even though he helps loads. It's all under instruction/organised by me. Ie today he'll feel all pleased because he's building DDs cot. But I'll feel cross because he's building it after it's spent over a week in it's box by the front door and it was one of the things I pointed out hadnt been done during row yesterday. So he's hardly taking the initiative to build it himself. Plus i was the one who spotted Dd is too big for her crib so measured the room found the cot ordered it etc.

You all get the picture I'm sure.....!

bimbling along
men who are not fair but not abusive either
just clueless and bred for domestic cognitive laziness
This thread is perfect really.

I have at times been as honest in RL as I have been on MN and there is definitely a feeling of 'whoa there sister, pull yourself together' from some other women. Then give them two glasses of wine.....barring the women who have got free, frequent, and graciously given childcare from family (who are basically not allowed to comment in my book) we are all pretty much in this together IMO.

Put your hat on - reminds me of when I went travelling to NZ with my ex. Relationship wasn't great and I was desperately homesick.

A friend came to visit and we went for a hike and he said look at this view. I burst into tears and said ' if anyone mentions another Fu**ing view I'll punch them.' (people talked a lot about the views in NZ).

Looking back the views were great but I was still in my own head. I'd given up my job to go to NZ and wasn't getting on with ex. Its a slightly different situation to post kids but has simialarities about still being the same person with same thoughts and feelings even if you do live overseas (with a maid!)

Macmac ...yep the views, the fucking views. What's the point with no one to share them with?

No maid here. But wondering if a cleaner (can't afford one....but can't afford this level of unhappiness either) might make a difference.

Well back here in London (without a view) I have recently upped our clear to twice a week. It seems an extravagance but i did it for my mental health (that was the actual reason I told DH!!). It has helped. So if you don't have a cleaner I'd definitely recommend.

I mean cleaner, not clear!

Dh has atleast once described me as "Mrs Angry". I was never angry per children.so why the anger now?
I was never as lonely either.
In between my batch cooking of curry/chilli/lasagne, I do all school runs, all parents evenings, home works etc.
I take ds1 to cubs etc, arrange all play dates etc. form filling out for 2 pre-schools, one after school club and holiday club. paying chqs for all these.
In between trying to work part time and do 4 loads of washing.
And my Dh is fab and does pull his weight to some extent. But I still prop him up because washing,school bags/dinner is already done.
I associate a lot of what has been said on this thread.
I see no real ANSWERS though. I suspect there are none. How depressing.

I actually get really pissed off with people trying to tell me I am depressed. I am clearly not. I have been assessed by gp, consultant, and pyschiatrist, and they all said no. But I think it's easier to label us all so varying degrees of depression, rather than assessing what the real core problem is, that we have all agreed on.

I think there are many kinds of expat jobs, and some do have the great relocation packages, school fees, healthcare etc that come with them.

However, like others here have mentioned, they're not all like that! My DH effectively had a US job, so we're just like anyone else - pay for our own rent, bills, flights home to visit etc. This move is definitely good for his career long term, so in turn good for our family's future long term. It's just not so good for mine!

I think a lot of the images people have of expats are based on historical analogies - but it's not the same any more. I have friends who are British embassy wives and they have to have smear tests on their visits home to the UK due to cost cutting!

MrsRambo - you are spot on.

Pfaffer, have experienced much the same reaction if I have attempted to be honest in RL. Before I had DC and soon after many of the women around me were older and not one of them told me how my life would change and not always for the better.

I wonder if we will look back on this time with rose tinted specs or whether we will be honest with the next generation. Perhaps if more women were honest then the child free option would seem more rational.

I agree with the analogy that it's like a bomb going off. I feel since having ds I've discovered who my real supporters are (some friends old and new, dh) and who my drains are (family, some old friends, work). I'm lucky in that dhs career has gone on the up since becoming a daddy and I have been able to go part time. When I explained to him about the anxiety I feel about keeping on top of the washing/ washing up he got it and now puts washing on and sorts the dishwasher unprompted.

I've absorbed lots of feminist messages from here and I try not to take on all the responsibility for wife work for dhs family, friends, work colleagues etc. I'm ill in bed today so dh is in charge and I'm trying not to feel responsible for what ds does/ eats/ watches as I can't get better and also manage what dh is doing too. I think in some ways I've valued myself more now I'm a mum than before. Before I always put other people before myself and I'm really aware I can't do that anymore as I need my energy for ds and for myself so I don't go under. I grab lie ins with both hands and anyone that offers to help is roped in immediately. I am very angry though about certain things to do with becoming a mum, such as work, but I'm trying to mentally distance myself from it so I don't feel it as much. The lack of proper sleep is the killer as ds rarely sleeps through. Things have been better lately though, so fingers crossed!

Cant say it has no, but most of these seem to be from people with useless dhs. Dh does the same amount as me I can sleep, go out wherever I want and do what I want as before, obviously not as much but still at least on a weekly basis.

Yes. I'm trying to hold it together until my youngest starts school in Sept. I've had one night off in 4yrs (single parent) and work 3 days a week. My nerves are shot to pieces at the moment, I think I'm only keeping my head above water because I can get to the gym a couple of times a week.

My GP has refused me counselling twice but if things don't improve come the Autumn I'm going to kick up a fuss and refuse to budge until they refer me. I've internalised too much and need someone to talk to. My menopause is also kicking in so heaven knows what state I'll be in at this rate.

It's so hard going.

"I actually get really pissed off with people trying to tell me I am depressed. I am clearly not."

Oblomov I get this as well. I am not affected by depression, and I get fed up hearing about how I 'must' be depressed. I love life, it's just ashame I've got all this usual crap to do day in day out. I need a 'bloody good rest' as my Mum likes to put it!