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Parenting

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Original poster

DH was called a bully in B&Q yesterday.

71 replies

sandyballs · 15/05/2006 10:25

Our twin 5 year old DDs were running around the place, being really loud and hyper, despite several warnings from us. On the escalator they ran ahead of us and were running up and down it, so DH picked them up by the back of their jackets and removed them from the escalator and gave them a talking to. This didn't hurt them but they both started crying. A middle aged man and his wife who had witnessed all this, walked by DH and told him he was a bully . I couldn't believe it and really really wished I had said something back, but I was too surprised. DH asked him to repeat what he had said and he said it again really loudly, "You are a bully". . This is really bothering me for some reason, he's one of the least bullying type of men you could ever meet, he was just trying to discipline his kids.

OP posts:

Nightynight · 15/05/2006 13:36

omg, Im obviously a bully too then, I have frequently hauled my ds's out of dangerous situations by their coats.

I think this word was inappropriate in this situation.

franca70 · 15/05/2006 13:49

your husband did the right thing.

serenity · 15/05/2006 14:04

I work with someone who used to install lifts and escalators. There is a legal minimum distance in which an escalator has to stop when something gets caught in it, unfortunately that length is roughly the distance from a childs hand to the top of their head. We've got travelators at work (like in airports, but on a slope) and he gets very upset at the way some people let their kids play on the, because he's had to deal with the consequences.

SB - for what it's worth I think your DH did the right thing (and I'm a coat grabber as well)

wannaBe1974 · 15/05/2006 14:06

I agree with bubblez, what gives anyone the right to stop and comment on someone else's form of parenting. It seems that our kids have become public property and that people seem to think that it is their god given right to pass comment on how all children are being raised. Well imo no-one has the right to stop you in the street or in a public place to criticize your way of parenting, it's none of their business.

I think we have become too much a society that has to assume that children are being abused if their parents dare to discipline them harshly, and yet most of us were probably smacked as children and yet I would imagine that not many of us consider that we were abused as children. I've never smacked my ds btw, but I do think that people seem to expect that children should be raised with this softly-softly attitude in case we hurt the poor little dears. Is it any wonder that kids have no respect for adults.

SB your dh is not a bully :)

FrayedKnot · 15/05/2006 14:13

I was struggling with DS in our local shop last week, he was having the most almightly tantrum and grabbing stuff off the shelves and dropping it etc. At one stage iirc he was on teh floor and I picked him up by his t-shirt, rather than pull his arm.

If some smart ass had come past me at that point and in any way criticised my parenting skills I think I would have burst into tears.

frumpygrumpy · 15/05/2006 14:14

Yeah, as a mum of twins, grabbing of coats sounds totally fine to me (one pair of hands, two kids). I regularly squash one of mine between my knees!!! Safety is the priority here. The man and woman didn't see the whole show.....

supakids · 15/05/2006 14:16

As an onlooker a grown man lifting children by coats does look a little aggressive. so maybe I might of given him a look too. sorry

Caligula · 15/05/2006 14:21

I suppose the problem is that any form of force used against kids can look aggressive. The coat thing - my brother lifts the kids up by their coats and swings them round when he's playing with them (obviously when the coats are suitable for that!) And if you remove them from a scene and tell them off, that method of removal will automatically look aggressive, just as picking them up would.

bubblez · 15/05/2006 14:24

AMEN to wannabe1974 too!!

KateF · 15/05/2006 14:25

A few weeks ago an older woman told me I was being "a bit harsh" when, after repeated warnings, I told dd1 aged 6 that she would lose her treats if she didn't do as she was told. I felt totally undermined and the little monkey has thrown it back at me several times. If you don't know the child and the background to the incident I think you should keep your opinions to yourself! Obviously this excludes someone actually hurting a child. Hope your dds didn't pick up on the comment sandyballs.

TinyGang · 15/05/2006 14:34

I have four year old twins. When I just had my older first dd I could be more patient with time to explain about safety or bad bahaviour.

Now with twins, sometimes it's necessary to just act quickly to keep them out of danger. I know I sound like a sergeant major shouting at them when they run off near a road. People can stare all they want, I will not let any harm come to them, not ever. If I have to shout or grab them then I will. You can't always have a reasonable chat about it all when you're trying to keep twins safe and you have to be stricter in order to keep control of the situation.

I can understand why you feel bothered, because you know he's a good dad. It would bother me too. Better they think that than having to explain why they got hurt down at the hospital later when it's too late. It's not as if he was beating them sensless.

People see a snapshot of a situation and jump to their conclusion without knowing any background. The million times you have said and said don't do this or that because it is dangerous. With twins you are saying it twice as often too.

I usually do follow any shouting or telling off by me up with a calmer more measured chat later when we've all calmed down and are having a quiet cuddle. I even showed them a photo in the paper the other day of a little girl (their age) who had run in the road and was killed and we had quite a discussion about it. They seem to be getting the message.

spidermama · 15/05/2006 14:41

My dh has been known to lift by the clothes and I tell him off for it. I find it hard to watch as it seems over bearing. I realise it doesn't hurt though and dh says I'm over-reacting.

You can't win though as Lucykate says.

Your dh may not have said anything back, but if he's anything like mine he'll be very hurt by the comment.

spidermama · 15/05/2006 14:56

Don;t feel too bad sandyballs ... here's a tale from hell which might help.

Once my dd, who was about 5 at the time, was kicking off in Waitrose. Dh had taken her and her then 4 year old brother and they were misbehaving badly - grabbing stuff from the shelves, running away etc. Supermarket rebellion. DH then bought macaroons at the bakery and made it clear that those who misbehaved in the shop would NOT be allowed a macaroon in the car. DD carried on pushing bottles of wine, laughing maniacally (most unlike her).

So, when dh was packing the car, he followed through and refused to give her a macaroon but gave one to her brother. She went absolutely ballistic screaming at him. He had to put her in her car seat kicking and screaming. A well meaning onlooker called the police and said a man was kidnapping a 9 year old girl. She said the girl was shouting 'Help! Kidnap' ffs. My 5 year old dd had never even hear the word.

Anyway, the first I know of all this was the police at my door saying 'Are you the owner of a vehicle registration blah blah...? Is your husband or partner currently in possession of said vehicles with the children?' To my rising alarm. Obviously I thought there'd been an accident.

Then he got me to 'phone dh to check he really was with the kids. I did ... they were all in the swing park by now enjoying the sun. I was in my dressing gown with three police in my house including a detective. They were on walky talkies literally standing down the helicopers and saying, 'Yes.. I'm with the mother now .... we've established it seems to be a macaroon incident. Over ...'

The police apologised and said they had to take all these reports very seriously, which is understandable. DH was called home with the kids and the police were very nice to us.

That passer by was obviously not used to seeing a stroppy child kicking off. Kidnap fgs! I mean!

So in short, I sympathise with you, and with your dh sandy.

TinyGang · 15/05/2006 14:59

Oh dear Spidermama I am lol That's one to bring up at your dd's wedding in years to come!

anniemac · 15/05/2006 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DominiConnor · 15/05/2006 15:22

Fatherhood is in my opninion something that if done well must look like bullying to a random outsider.

A couple of times I've done a loom on people who I see as going over the top, but I'm very reluctant to do it.

Most discipline ishould be gentle, we have programmed our kids to always stop when we call "stop !". Achieved with copious praise and playing the "stop game" with them at great length, they get to stop us as well.
But with some occasional issues like safety I believe you must make an impact. 2.0 once pulled away from me whilst crossing the road.
Exactly once.
I went totally ballistic, so much so that I caught myself doing it, though about the friends I'd lost on roads as well as my dad, and actually turned up the heat. Poor kid was frazzled.
Never happened again.

The gang of 2 are rarely shouted at, but I have expressed myself very strongly at point blank range where their behaviour merits it. Occasionally this results in tears. My personal view is that you can't always get messages burned in without some force.
As it happens, I really hate doing it, a lot, but I've seen the consequences of kids whose parents don't do this stuff at all, not nice.

Chloe55 · 15/05/2006 16:14

Sorry Spidermama but I am PMSL at 'it seems to be a macaroon incident"

anniemac · 15/05/2006 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spidermama · 15/05/2006 16:23

I too could barely contain my hysterics but obviously couldn't give in to them until the officers had left. Unbelievable.

yumsymumsy · 15/05/2006 16:24

Ohhhhhhhhh DominiConnor - you've made me come over all blustery!!!!!!!!!!! You masterful beast you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sugarfree · 15/05/2006 16:25

I have dragged all of mine out of danger at one time or another by a hood or collar.
I have a phobia of escalators* and if one of mine had been buggering about anywhere near one they would have been lucky to get away with a coat pull tbh.

A fairly recent development in my general mixed up head.I imagine its going to suck my shoelaces down or grab the kids feet.And as for parents balancing on them with pushchairs with bags hanging off.....

hunkermunker · 15/05/2006 16:25

Thank heaven he bought macaroons. "a cream slice incident" doesn't sound NEARLY as funny! PMSL, SM!

spidermama · 15/05/2006 16:27

A friend of mine who's a father of two boys has developed a standard response to well-meaning interferers.

When they pass comments he looks them in the eye and says, 'Mam, I'm a paediatrician'. It's a lie but he says it shuts them up.

katierocket · 15/05/2006 16:29

LOL at the "macaroon incident"

hunkermunker · 15/05/2006 16:31

SM, he'd better watch out - a well-meaning passer-by will no doubt think he confuse that with paedophile one day...!

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