How to persuade dh to go for baby no 2?

[MumToH]

We have a ds who has just turned 5. Virtually since he was born, I've had the dilemma of 'do we/when do we have baby no 2?'. At first it was too expensive while ds was at nursery but he's been at school since last Sept, plus we had marriage issues to sort out. I've just turned 40 and have decided that I would like baby no2 - lots of reasons, main ones are I would like ds to have a sibling and I'm worried if I leave it any longer I'll have missed the boat. Finally broached the subject with dh tonight - can;t say I'm surprised at his reaction but I'm disappointed. Basically, he doesn't want baby no 2, reasons (until he thinks about finances and comes up with some more) are: he doesn't think he could give as much to baby 2 as he does to ds, I'm too old, there would be too much of an age gap, ds could have so much if we don't have baby no 2, his job takes him away, how will I cope? Thing is, I think that if he refuses to go for it, I will feel SOOOO resentful, as I would be deprived of something that I won't have the chance to go for again if we don't do it soon. If we split up, he could still have another baby with another partner but I couldn't. When we were trying for ds, he was resentful at times, and worried about finances, but now has said he wouldn't change things for the world. I'm sure he thinks that the discussion we've had is the end of the story and I won't raise it again. However, I want to try to persuade him - has anyone else been in this situation? Any tips??

Well, had discussion tonight with dh re his final decision which, surprise surprise is no - he doesn't want baby2. I am devastated by this. I had begun to have a smidgin of hope when he told me he'd asked ds what he wants, who said a brother and a sister - we laughed about it. Ha bloody ha - seems hollow now. I am so low about this - before I upset anyone, I know how lucky I am already to have an amazing ds, and only children are not completely disadvantaged, but I do feel it's best for us. I feel so sorry for ds hanging over next door's fence, desperate to be invited to play, telling me that he's lonely. Thinking about counselling (which we had before) but tbh, if he doesn't want another baby I'm not sure I want to be with him. Feel guilty about this post, there are so many people with much bigger problems than this, but it feels pretty big to me. In any event, I have decided to come off the pill - I've had 24 years on it and my body needs a break. Can't see I'll be having much sex in the near future anyway. God, I'm such a whinge.

Hello MumtoH,

I have been reading your post. I have a DS of 3 and I have certainly struggled with the idea of DS being an only child and wanting another one.We have not had another one even though I would have loved to have - for reasons we dont know for sure. In any case my DH is totally happy with and devoted to our DS, can only see positive things about having the one child, and would not really want another one. Plus we are "older" so age is a factor.

I dont know what to say except I really feel for you and your situation and just to tell you you are not alone. Wanting another child and not being able to have one is so hard. As we have our first babies older, it makes it more difficult for the second ones , but no one ever talks about that, do they.

Been following thread with interest.

Not in similar situation, but a bit saddened to see how grim people think it must be to be an only child. :(

My dp is an only child, and he's one of the most giving, loving and sharing people I know. (He was asked when he was little if he wanted a brother or sister, and he said no!) His mum's an only child too, and yet between him, his mum and his grandparents - this tiny little family of four, across three generations - I often think there's more love than in most bigger families. My dp's dad is one of three, and he and his brother and sister had a massive fall-out when their mum died - over inheritance - and have barely spoken since. Interesting.

My best friend is an only child too. Like one poster said, yes, she's going through that "ill parent burden" phase. Her dad has Parkinson's, so she's finding that tough, supporting her mum and dad.

But although I'm one of three, I'll be in the same boat some time. My elder brother lives in Australia (and doesn't plan to come home), and my younger sister, who I adore, has Down syndrome. So when my parents get older, I'll have them to look after plus my sister, who has quite high needs. So it's worth considering that having another baby could actually multiply the caring burden of our healthy firstborns, not halve it.

Research suggests that, temperamentally, only children are little different to firstborn children. The sharing/selfish/lonely thing is a bit overblown, in my opinion/experience. And I know so many families where the siblings don't get along; it's always assumed they'll play together, but they might hate each other.

I'm not sure if I want another child yet - am finding my son's toddlerhood a bit full-on! Also, I worry about another baby having special needs; I've been helping care for my sister since I was five, and feel I need a break from caring, which isn't all that likely as she and my parents get older. But I can imagine that if I wanted another, and couldn't have one, I'd be devastated, so I do feel for you on that score.

Just wanted to give a different perspective to your situation. Hope you, dh and ds find a way forward you're all happy with. :)

good post eggybreadandbeans.

(Why do you ruin your eggy bread by putting beans with it though? Not happy siblings (hoho) imo)

Interesting to hear another perspective, definitely. I think I know really that ds would not have a terrible life if he was an only, and what you say is true, so many families don't get on. In fact, my niece and nephew (25 and 27) are in a full-on vindictive argument at the moment. My dh uses these as part of his reasoning for not having a bigger family. However, it's not just for ds that I want this - I want it too. Sometimes I feel ok about it and try to see the positives in no more babies (more sleep, more money, more time for ds, more time to myself etc) but balanced with that I sometimes feel absolute despair. I swing between planning what I'll do if dh and I split over this, to considering going to Relate. I think I need to have some time to come to terms with it, without making any rash decisions. So helpful to have opinions from people outside of rl, who can be a bit more objective than my friends are!

hello there. I was in exactly the same situation, except DH told me twice we could try for another and then changed his mind. I had DS fairly young and was not a particularly maternal type. I hadn't even thought about having kids. I nagged, cried, whinged, begged for about a year, His reasoning was that he didn't think he had enough love for 2, we had got to the stage of getting some time back (ds was 4) and we couldn't afford it. I was so unhappy. I loved ds but didn't feel complete. He said yes twice because I badgered him so much. I know that it's really hard, but try to stand back and leave it for a bit. I'd had lots of gynae probs, so decided to try and forget about it, so we booked our wedding instead and I got to planning it. Was on the pill, but miraculously fell pg when I was late taking it. Bloody DH was over the moon. I think a lot of it was fear that he had enough love and also patience, but he has. So, I did have a happy ending, but it was v hard in between. Like I said, try not to keep on and he may come round to the idea.. hth x x x

Thanks Alliebongo - glad you had a happy ending. I'm going to try not to go on about it in the meantime, while the dust settles. Dh is a very stubborn sort, who likes to feel as though the decision is his, so all my going on about it has pressurised him, although I didn't feel I had any choice (but there will have been a better way to go about it I'm sure - I'm like a bull in a china shop at times!). Anyway, we've got a holiday coming up in July, and I'm definitely coming off the pill anyway so we'll wait and see. I'm not going to try to trap him (that would be a BIG mistake), I'm coming off because I've been on it so long (24 years actually - gulp!) and I feel my body needs a rest. If by a miracle he does change his mind, at least that won't be in the way.