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Original poster

Am i a bad mummy......

28 replies

mum2sam · 20/04/2006 21:41

for contemplating putting ds in nursery for one afternoon per wk to give me a bit of a break. Its not only for my benefit as i was thinking ds who is 18mths and a only child may benefit from the social side too.My dh works away during the wk and tbh i sometimes struggle to cope but cant always rely on gp to help out. My mum feels he is too young and a friend who used to work in a nursery said some children at that age never really settle in and are sometimes withdrawn.

I know he loves being in the company of other children but im not sure how he would settle in in that sort of environment. He is quite social when he gets to know people but he can also be quite nervous which certain things.

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Aimsmum · 20/04/2006 21:44

I don't think you are a bad mum for thinking about it at all, but you may struggle to find a nursery that will only take him one afternoon a week as it would possibly be quite hard to settle him in and get him used to the routine!

This is purely based on my experience of working in a nursery, but you may be lucky

mazzystar · 20/04/2006 21:44

do it

in fact make it more than one afternoon, better for settling.

bramblina · 20/04/2006 21:45

No you are not a bad Mum at all, it is in his interest to get some social interaction. But had you considered going to some toddler groups first, and slowly becoming distant from him so he is very detatched but you're not off the premises? Slowly wean him, incase he gets a shock and becomes very clingy.

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lockets · 20/04/2006 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gigwig · 20/04/2006 21:49

of course you're not a bad mum for doing this! It sounds a great idea: you get some time, and DS gets to experience another environment and other people and so on.

I know what your mum and friend say about nurseries , a lot epends on the nursery and your child- you could simply try it and see how your DS gets on, try it for a few months. If DS is not settled there/happy, you could try a childminder instead for a smaller group environment.

handlemecarefully · 20/04/2006 21:52

God No! of course you are not. But I agree with the others; perhaps two afternoons per week may be better (spaced a day apart) to help him settle in a bit more (just once per week and then 6 days before he attends again might be harder for him to adjust to?)

Alternatively have you considered a Mother's help coming to your house to relieve you of the childcare burden whilst you have some personal space (perhaps retreat to your bedroom and read a book etc)?

I recently advertised for a mother's help for 4 hours per week, and attracted somebody within a fortnight of advertising (just put a card in my local PO).

Original poster

mum2sam · 20/04/2006 21:52

Ive already found a nursery and am going to have a look around monday its tied in with my dh employment as hes in the forces. They do 4hr sessions so it would be 12 til 4pm. My neighbours children go and so i was thinking of getting him in on the same session so hes got some familiarity. Ive been to a few mother and toddler things and when i take him to the park he will quite happily walk away with another child etc he is clingy when is home more which is strange.

OP posts:

BettySpaghetti · 20/04/2006 21:57

mum2sam -this is something I've been recently considering for our DS (21m).
We go to toddler groups etc which he loves and is quite an independent little soul who wanders off to play (more than DD, who at the same age used to cling to my side).
I just think it might be good for him to have some experience of being with others without me before he starts pre-school at 3yrs.
Like you though, I do feel guilty.

fransmom · 20/04/2006 22:01

hi mum2sam, my dd was just over 6mths when i had to go back to work and i was really worried about being a bad mother for leaving her. luckily she settled in really well and loves it at the childminders. the interaction with other children is great for her, maybe sam? might like some friends to come to his house for an hour or so (with their moms so you have frineds round 2)? hth fm x

beetlejuice73 · 20/04/2006 22:02

Do it. My DD loves it. Would prefer her not to have to go as much as she does (3 days a week), but I'm absolutely sure that she's better going a lot than not going at all. Loads of messy activities that I'd never do with her. Lots of little mates and caring staff. As with others here, I'd look at 2 half days rather than just one. And of course you have the luxury of being able to change your mind if he really really hates it.

kitbit · 21/04/2006 10:09

We started ds (now 18mths) at nursery when he was 15mths. He is an only child and we live in a remote village so he didn´t have any other little friends and was clearly needing some company of his own age as he was getting very frustrated with both of us!

We listened to the advice of the nursery who said 1 day a week takes a loooong time to settle (backed up by 4 different friends of ours who send theirs 1 days a week and who have all said it took literally months for them to settle in) and he goes for 2 hrs every morning. It took him about a week and a half to settle in properly, and now he rushes in through the door withut a backward glance and has really really progressed in terms of interaction with other little ones, sharing, playing, watching and learning, feeding etc. It's really done him lots of good. Plus he gets to do loads of things that are harder to organise at home eg finger painting, collage, messy play etc that it's loads easier to do at nursery than here! And group playing and singing also has huge benefits.

So yes of course it will give you some time to yourself, but actually the main thing would be that your lo would benefit hugely from mixing with other kids.

HTH, don't feel selfish and if your lo really doesn't take to it you can always stop, it's that easy.

Laura032004 · 21/04/2006 11:16

DS goes one morning a week, and took about a month to properly settle in. He does go with a friend though, so perhaps they settle each other to some extent? He started at about 18m, and is now 24m. He loves it, and I love the rest! My DH is also forces, so I can understand how you feel. He will start working away during the week in September, and I will probably up DS to 2 or 3 sessions per week depending upon how I feel (new baby due June!)

dublindee · 21/04/2006 11:28

Don't want to put you off, but have to tell you this.

My DS goes to a wonderful creche 3 days a week from 7.30am til 5.

He started off in baby room at 6 mths when I returned to work and at 11mths was
put in the toddler room.

I went to the baby room to collect some of his "art" shortly after he moved and a new addition to the nursery aged 13mths was being socialised with the babies.

The poor little lamb did nothing but cry from the time Mummy left her in the morning til she was collected in the evening.
She was only attending one day a week and was really unused to the creche.

The sooner you get a baby to nursery (although not too tiny) the sooner they get used to the environment and it's easier.

I'd hate your child to go through what the little girl was.

The workers in the baby room were so sorry for her but she wouldn't settle and hated them cuddling her.
She even went off her food - but perked up straight away when Mummy collected her in the evening.

If you do put your child in try to make it more than once a week so he/she (sorry can't remember) can get used to it and it's not a big wrench.

Sorry for the long post!

robin3 · 21/04/2006 11:45

No, you're a human being and I bet you'll both benefit from the variety.
If he doesn't settle in then you can review. Mums....who'd have em!

Original poster

mum2sam · 21/04/2006 13:49

Im going to have a talk with them on monday and see what they suggest. I hadnt planned on putting him in for more then 2 sessions but if it helps then i will. My dh goes away for 3mths in sept so i want to get ds settled before then iykwim so there isnt too much change as i know i may need time out for myself with dh being away. I was then hoping if ds does settle in and enjoy it then i could possibly get a pt job for just 2 days a week just to give me a bit of social time too. Im lucky that i dont have to work cus of money and also that the nursery is 5mins from where we live so if there is any problems il be there.

OP posts:

moondog · 21/04/2006 13:52

God No!!
Do it!
I am alone with two children for weeks on end (dh abroad) and my ds goes to nursery for 21/2 days a week (he's 21 mths) (My dd is in school-she's 5)
I work 1/2 day but the other 2 days are so that i don't go start staring mad.
Have never had a moment's guilt.

beckybrastraps · 21/04/2006 13:54

I would do it if I could! Like a shot! If he doesn't settle you can always stop. He'll probably love it!

moondog · 21/04/2006 13:55

Mine loves it.
I think he gets sick of the sight of me day in day out tbh.

Original poster

mum2sam · 21/04/2006 14:16

feeling a bit better if ds dosent like then we will just stop im hoping he will though

OP posts:

nowanearlyNicemum · 21/04/2006 14:35

my dd is 19 months. she started going to 'playschool' about 3 months ago and found it difficult to adjust to being with other children. This is why we had wanted her to go though (apart from giving me time to do some work!!) so we persevered and now she loves it. I'm very lucky as the staff are incredibly flexible but on average she goes for 2 half-days per week. This week she's been in almost every afternoon as I've a lot of work on. What are you doing on Mumsnet?? I hear you cry!!! :o
Do it - I'm sure he'll love it and so will you. But give him plenty of time to adapt.

happypiglet · 23/04/2006 20:57

Yes do it.... I am a 'full time mum' and decided to put DS1 in nursery 1 day a week (9.30 - 5.30) when pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was 14 months old. He loved it from day one and we had no problems with the gap between sessions.

The problem with say 2 half days is that by the time you have taken them and then picked them up there is not a lot of time left. Also friends have found it difficult with half days in terms of napping- especially if they sleep in the middle of the day. Sometimes a whole day is better as they can sleep when they normally do- If I dropped DS1 off at 12 noon he would be awful for the staff as he wouldn't have had any sleep!!

I am now lookimg at getting DS2 in one day a week too when he is 12m. I was going to put them in on different days but am erring towards then same day. Mummy guilt is high on this one but DH works long hours and I need some down time.

Don't feel bad- DS1 loves it. Just be sure you like the nursery- I went slightly further afield for mine as the local one didn't do it for me.

trinityrocks · 24/04/2006 18:15

do it do it do it
not a bad mummy at all
he'll love it and you will enjoy the rest

schneebly · 24/04/2006 18:16

god no! I cant wait until DS1 goes to nursery in August!

Spoo · 24/04/2006 19:35

Sorry but this post really upsets me. Why should anyone feel guilty for wanting a bit of space and time. My DS goes to nursery 4 days a week as I work. I am about to take maternity leave for my second and will leave him in nursery three days a week on reduced hours in order for me to have time with the new baby. I do not beleive my DS suffers at all from being in nursery and my mental health is a lot better than it would have been if I had stayed at home.

I am not saying that this is right for all mums - far from it. It is a personal choice that you have to make yourself, but what is important is your mental health. Being unhappy either whilst you are working or being a SAHM is NOT beneficial for your child. Your child will be happy if you are happy.

Please give allow yourself this guilt free well earned 'time-off'. I am sure your DS will benefit from a happy smiley mum coming to pick him up at the end of his session.

jamese · 24/04/2006 20:13

Do it.. I put my DD in nursery for 2 mornings per week about 5 months ago and SHE LOVES IT.. I desparetly needed the time to myself as DH works full time and also studies part time, so I have never been without DD before nursery.

She settled in within a couple of weeks, the nursery took her in stages - 1 hr first time, then 2 hrs, then 3 hrs etc.

They were happy to take her 1 morning per week, but I wanted two. She goes Monday and Wednesdays, (recently changed to Thursdays).

DO IT, DO IT, DO IT, DO IT..... You won't regret it.

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