Having a baby at 40 - just how hard is it - assuming you're not Madonna or Cherie?

[mousiemousie]

My friend is thinking of a second child but is concerned that she will be much older than when she had her first - 40 in fact.

She is nervous about how much harder being the mother of a small child might be when you are 40. Is it a lot harder?

Yes Moondog, ond I've anghofio'd most of it - I lurk on the bilingual/Welsh mums threads enviously as I never kept up speaking Welsh (after getting an A level in it) when I left to go to an English University, despite having a mum who was a Welsh teacher and a dad who didn't speak English until he was 15. - sorry, thread hijack.

I had dd1 at 32 and found the whole thing, pregnancy, motherhood etc. a breeze - even though her father (my ex-h) was hopeless and I ended up doing everything myself.

DD2 was born a year ago and I will be 40 in August. I found pregnancy much harder this time around. I was a lot more tired for a lot longer and had many more aches and pains. Her father, my dh, is fantastic - does loads and also gets up to her during the night at least as often as I do, yet I am still a lot more exhausted than I was with dd1.

We have discussed having another one but have decided that we are just too old now - for too old, read too knackered! This, despite the fact that we are both actually "young" (in looks, attitute etc.) for our respective ages (40 and 48 this year).

I had DS1 at 37/nearly 38 and DS2 at 41/nearly 42. I'm knackered, but I don't think that's anything to do with my age - I certainly do a lot more now that I ever did in my 20's and 30's. For example, a half hour nap when DS2 is asleep on the days I'm not working is very nice, but before I had kids I used to regularly fall asleep at 6pm for half an hour when I got in from work!

The big drawback, as someone has mentioned, is age of grandparents and/or their imminent demise. MY DSs are left with only one grandparent - they started out with three. The grandparent/grandchild relationship, and their mutual delight in each other's company, is one of the best things about parenthood, I find.

A friend of mine had her 2nd child at 45 and never regretted it! Her DH was well over 50.

I'm coming up to 44 now and won't be having another, whereas I may have thought about it if I were 10 years younger...

I doubt it makes a jot of difference. I'm 38 (so nearly 40) and don't feel I have any less stamina than I did when I had dd (34) and ds(35)

I'm 40 in July and having number 4 in November. Ask me in November!!!

I had my first at 35 and am about to have second at 38. Haven't had the best of pregnancies but don't attribute this solely to age, am pretty fit and have a demanding toddler to run around after!

One thing I do think is very relevant is the age of the husband/partner involved. In my case, dh is 46 and tbh it wasn't just my age we took into consideration when deciding to go for no 2. If we hadn't fallen pregnant before I reached 39-ish I don't think we would have pursued it, your partner's age/fitness and energy levels are so relevant. DH is fairly fit, needs to lose a bit of weight and we both need to overhaul our diets (currently both craving junk breakfast cereals!) but then we reckon, if Gordon Brown can be a father in his fifties we can do it too!

Oh, and the other thing to consider is how much help you get from family. We do everything pretty much ourselves, our salvation is a good nursery. Without it I think I might be a crabbier mum, I really do relish that 'me' time.

I'm 41, had ds at 38 and currently ttc. There are certainly days when I look in the mirror and wonder if I'm crazy to be thinking about it. Dh is 57 and has post-polio syndrome so it was a big decision for us. His energy levels and stamina aren't what they used to be. One thing is that my parents will be moving near us next month and, even though they are in their early 70's they are extremely fit and could help out some. Even with all of the negatives, I will still be thrilled if we do manage to conceive.

I have 5 age 9, 8, 5, 3 and 16 months. I am 42 and had my last baby at 41. Energywise, I slept more when I was in my 20's, napped all the time. And when I wasn't napping, I was lying in front of a telly or lying on a beach sunbathing, etc.

I walk everywhere pushing a stroller and have loads of energy because, it's all I know and things have to get done. I am probably fitter now than when I was younger (you know, lying around, drinking, smoking etc, none of which I do today).

The key tell your friend, learn to go to bed early, even if to lay in bed and read. That extra hour or so of sleep rather than staying up with the telly are not worth it, you will suffer the next day. But that is probably true for all new moms.

I had my 4th at 39. The pregnancy was a bit more tiring, but then I was somewhat anaemic, plus we moved house when I was 7m, then had builders in so I couldn't really rest much. But I ended up having a straightforward homebirth and a very perky baby!
I tried to keep active by walking everywhere before and after the birth (I'm now 41). At a medical check up recently I was told I had the heart rate/ blood pressure of a healthy teenager !

I had my 4th s weeks before my 40th birthday (now have 12, 10, 9 and 2 year old). I found everything easier - maybe I'm more relaxed. I was worried how rough I'd feel but I didn't experience that utter exhaustion I had first time round at 29. Plus I have to be up earlier for 7.30 school run with dd1. Having said that, I'm tired today but I think that's just because I know I have an essay to write!

I found having dd2 at 40 very tiring for the first 2 years, I think mentally as much as physically. I looked after her 100% of the time (barring a gym creche a couple of hours a week and dh very occasionally) until she went to nursery school for a few hours a week at 2.8

In fact I feel less tired now I am 49 as dd is 9 and at a school with long days (even though I took a job 6 months ago)

I did find that the pg (whilst being very straightforward with normal delivery etc) took a huge toll on my body (but that is comparing it to my first pg when I was still a teenager)

But the joy of dd2 makes any negatives completely insignificant

I had three of my own between the ages of 17 and 25, plus I fostered my neice and two other little girls at the same time ... it was an absolute doddle. GS was placed with us almost three years ago (I was 39) and I found it one of the most incredibly knackering experiences of my life. It took around two years to get into the swing of things. On the plus side, I have so much patience, much more than with my own and I am much more relaxed (as is GS) because I am not concerned about things that don't really matter - such as keeping him clean all the time, or shoes matching outfits, etc (when DD1 was small, everything had to match , shoes, dress, pants, socks, even hair ribbons or bobbles). now I just let him have fun and I join in. You should see the looks we geton the local beach when there's some mad fat woman and a three year old rolling in the sand, clambering over rocks or getting absolutely soaked in the freezing sea. GS is so happy though ..

Ah,you sound lovely joash!
What a great gift for a little lad who has had a rocky start.

aww shucks ma'am - thanks moondog

Can't say 'harder' as had my first at 43, but...pregnancy was fine, first year was a blur of exhaustion, second year much better, she's now 2.3 and I feel great. I'd love another, but like Aviatrix....miracles aren't much like buses...

gosh, this thread makes me feel like a child. i had my dd1 at 19 and my second 7 weeks ago. am now 21. i was very fit first time round, walked everywhere (was in college so out every day). i didn't look pregnant nor felt it. but i when i gave birth, i felt 70 and didn't improve till dd1 was 6 monthes. second time round, no exercise apart from looking after dd1 full time, looked preg and felt it. but after i gave birth, never felt better. i think it gets easier with subsequent births? i do wish sometimes that i had waited, tho, as older mums seem so much more patient with their kids. i am fairly patient with dd1, and she was an extremely hard baby who never slept during the day and was very clingy. dd2 is completely the opposite. i find it easier this time, with 2 than i did, when preg and dealing with only 1. oh, i should also add that i was very delighted with dd1, and so coped really well till i was half way preg with dd2.

My mum had me when she was 40, and it seems she found it fairly easy (or so she says)