Two year old and a newborn - having a really hard time

[anchovies]

Ds is 26 months and is really struggling since we had ds2 last week. I've only been home for 3 days and ds1 is being a nightmare. He has always been really well behaved and although he gets a lot of attention from everyone around him I wouldn't say he is spoilt, he is just a generally nice little boy. Since I had ds2 we have really been struggling with our own emotions, adjusting to loving 2 is harder than I thought it would be. But it has been made much more difficul by the fact that ds1's behaviour has been absolutely shocking. He goes to nursery 3 mornings a week and this morning there were 2 incidents where he bit other children, one of which was that bad he left a bruise and it warranted the accident book. He has never bitten anybody before today as far as I know. He is constantly trying to get attention and while we have been ignoring the bad stuff and praising the good, some of it is getting really out of hand (throwing stuff, hitting etc). At the moment he is probably getting more attention than normal as his dad is off work and I was pretty useless when I was very pregnant (not to mention we are both trying really hard with him). He normally comes to my mums with me while I work upstairs at her house so was thinking about going over there tomorrow for a bit but don't know whether that will make it worse. I am sorry this is so jumbled, it's now 5 days after my caeasarean and I am struggling with breastfeeding and I am so tired. Please can anyone help, this is so hard.

Keziah - have you stopped now?

Girls wait till you hear this...My ( just)3 year old put his shoes on and left the house tonight whilst i was feeding the baby...we found him in the rain outside on the street after 10 minutes of frantically searching the house and a phonecall to the police!!!! I have never felt sicker......

crikey that must have really shaken you up! hope you're all ok. I think that the worst thing about having five children for me is that I feel scared about keeping them all safe. Having the double buggy means only three walkers to watch but I don't go out very much any more!!
And yes we have stopped. My husband just had his second vascetomy because one his tubes grew back together after the first and that's how we got number five! Couldn't be sorry though.
Have you stopped?!

Anchovies just skimmed the threa but I wanted to say I really feel for you.

Some good advice here. Judd makes a good point about ds1 seeming so huge and grown up suddenly but really being a baby still.

As lilliput says, I would advise putting DS1 first always, the baby won't mind being put down in his bouncy chair while you do stuff with ds1, or even, shock, being left to cry a little longer.

Make him feel special by helping you; arrange a treat of mummy-time (he can choose what - mine love coming out for lunch with me and me alone!) if he is nice to the baby etc.

Ragtaggle's ideas are good too eg telling DS1 what's going to happen (mine all love to know that even now, what the plan is for the day)

Oh and throw away that flippin' two socks book, it's total drivel.

Hope it gets better for you.

Someone sent me this when I had just had DD2. It reminded me what a gift I was giving DD1. I threw out the hairbrush and sock book the same day.

LOVING TWO

I walk along holding your hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.

And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I
love you?
Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me
as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way,
Please love only me.
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
I can't right now, knowing, in fact, that I never can
again.

You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
On the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
And feel almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though
I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity,
then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.

More days pass,
and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading
fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times
we shared,

There are new times -- only now, We are three.

I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other,
touch each other.
I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.

I see how excited you are by each of his new
accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something
from you,
I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love
openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as
you are,
but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you --
only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my
time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have
your own supply.
I love you – both and I thank you both for blessing my
life.

sorry to hear it's hard. agree that the 3 socks and 1 hairbrush book is crap scaremongering. i have had some hard times with 3 children close together but that book omits all the good bits of having children close in age. and there are many advantages, though perhaps not so evident in the first few weeks.

as everyone says, it does get easier. and then one day you'll see them playing together while you get on with things and you'll be so very glad you don't have to personally play mummies and babies for the 10,000th time cos they've got a sibling to do that with them, while you get to read the paper.

Yes, just to echo the others. I had my DD2 2 weeks before DD1's b'day (so, cos I felt guilty, I still had to arrange a b'day party for DD1). It was soo hard, but I can honestly say they adore eachother now (3 and 5) and it's soooo much easier. I can garden, cook to my hearts content, do all kinds of stuff I thought I might never have time to do again. They will play literally for 2 and a half hours sometimes - in fact I even find myself intruding on their play occasionally!

First of all, CONGRATULATIONS on having 2 wonderful boys.
Just wanted to say hi and I also know what it is like - at one point I had a new baby, a 22 month old and a not-quite 4 yo. Even now 2 years on I feel totally knackered most of the time (sorry, nto what you want to hear I know).
My ds had trouble adjusting to his baby sister and did a lot of hitting of other children for a while, but he did get used to it (he is 2nd child, with a sister on each side ).
I also understand the difference going from 1-2 children, I found that much harder than going from 2-3, or even than having the first one. Your child that was a baby yesterday is suddenly a big lumbering dangerous toddler, and you are so instinctive about looking after the baby - its really difficult. Don't worry about the 'loving 2' thing right now though. At 5 days you are still emotional and could well have a touch of the blues.

Feeding tip that I used - I had a 'nursing box' for the older child. In it were special snacks - things they didnt normally get, a little sweetie or more raisins than normal, A special toy, a story book, something fun - bubbles were good. (they can hold the stick, you blow!!) I made sure I replenished it once the baby had stopped feeding and kept it out of reach - eventually for ds, dd2's feeds were a really special time as he snuggled up beside me on the sofa and nibbled raisins and had a story. But not easy so young. If you are struggling with bf I am sure a call to one of the helplines would maybe pick you up, even just reassure you that things are ok.

Take care of yourself too and take as much help eg from your Mum, as you can. And the sling tip is brilliant, I could never have survived without mine. Sending you lots of positive coping thoughts and (((hugs))).

Anchovies - your post could have been one of mine a couple of years ago..! I've got 28 months between my 2 boys and also had a caesarean with ds2.

It was AWFUL at first - truly a nightmare in every sense - physically and emotionally. I couldn't reach out to ds1, couldn't do all the things I normally did with him and had to look after ds2. I felt stuck on the settee constantly breastfeeding ds2 and unable to do anything with ds1 or dp. I was lucky in that dp was at home but our family literally divded for those first few weeks and it felt just horrible. I missed ds1 such a lot but felt really resentful that he seemed to hate ds2...

I know it's hard but try to take care of yourself through all this - caesareans flipping take it out of you - then get your dh/dp to give ds1 tons of attention while you breastfeed etc. It will all come right with time, honest!

For us it took ds1 quite a while to get used to ds2 - but they're nearly 2 and 4 now and are soooooooo wonderful together - lots of fighting and arguing, but also hugging and laughing together - I can see they're going to be a force to be reckoned with..!

Just try not to worry about it and try to get as much rest as you can (not v. helpful I know...).