Am I failing my Mum or is she mad?

[robin3]

DS is 2yrs and 3 months. Ever since he was old enough to walk I'd say he has shown an obvious preference for my Dad rather than my Mum. That said my Dad has no hands on involvement in looking after him and never gets involved in confrontation or even the basics of bathing/feeding etc. My Mum is the only person I feel I can confidently leave to look after DS and guarantee that he'll be happy. He's even stayed overnight without us.

My son has also given his other grandma a hard time but she's very stern and unable to play with him or anything because or her health.

Anyway....the point I'm coming to is that my Mum has built up in her head that DS doesn't like her and at the weekend we pitched up and DS was well behaved but started the whole 'No Nana' thing. My Mum stood up and said 'I'm not going to put up with this any more' and stropped off. Dad and I were left with DS who seemed oblivious. I then let the situation die down a bit then went over to DS and explained that he'd upset Nana and that he should go and sorry to Nana. He climbed all the way upstairs screaming sorry Nana to which my Mum responded with 'Well that's all very well but do you even know why you're sorry!'

I left their house later in the day not sure what to think. On reflection I feel that he's 2 and the way he behaves towards her is very typical of a 2 year old. He's the same with me and DP sometimes but I guess we see lots more of him so it dilutes it down. I also choose to react to this by breaking the No cycle and making him laugh. I also think she's trying to compare herself with my Dad who has a special status with DS and this is an unfair comparison. I also feel cross that she chose to deal with this with anger and resentment which is the least effective route IMO with a 2 year old. She seems to be crediting him with the emotional capacity of a 13 year old.

Having longed for a grandchild it also constantly amazes me that neither of my parents really make much of an effort to interact and my Mums way of showing love is to make things for him to eat or buy toys. These don't rate highly with 2 year olds IME.

So....what do you think?
Should I have dealt with the situation differently?
Should I be punishing my son for this behaviour?
Is he being in fact being rude?
Or is my Mum being rediculous?

Finally I'd also like to say that DS is incredibly easy going and not yet the terrible two year old that I'd expected.

Thanks for all the sympathy...feel silly looking for consolation from the mnet community but I don't want to criticise my parents to friends etc.
I sent the book with a note that said 'I don't want to war over this so I'd appreciate it if you could both read this book and we will to. Maybe we can work out a better approach together.' I sent that before I'd read it and now I have I feel even more angry that they want to take the role as enforcers not grandparents.

My best guess is that my Mum will read it and reject it as liberal mumbo jumbo and my Dad won't read it. Previously when I've handled things this way, nothing has been said. Trouble is that I don't want to go to see them at all and now feel that they should organise an activity for DS and take him out on their own. How can I ask DP to place himself under their constant criticism?

They're both absolutely barking mad. he's only 2 ffs!!!

oh Robin, I can't say this strongly enough - your son sounds adorable, and lovely, an ideal 2 yr old! Your style of parenting sounds nurturing and loving, and what child can ask for more?

What a shock it must have been to hear all that from your Dad - but BE STRONG; you couldn't be more right and they couldn't be more wrong.

It probably won't be what you want to hear but I think you may have to end up having much less involvement with them. Knowing that this is what they think will make it very difficult to carry on seeing them so much if it were me. What do you feel now?

I think the toddler taming book is brilliant and i think you must be a very 'giving' daughter to offer to work out another approach together - with me, it's my way or the highway because I'm mum!!!!!

I really feel for you, and will be thinking of you x

unless you think your ds is at risk I think you have come up with the solution Robin3... let them have ds on their own. You have said they find him easy when you are not about. Children are incredibly adaptable and will know what the rules are with Mummy and Daddy and what the rules are with Grampa and Nanna. You won't have to listen to their criticism and ds gets to maintain a relationship with his grandparents.
However, if, as some one else has said it starts to impact on ds as well as you, that is different. good luck whatever you decide.

You guys are so nice....feeling much better.

I have absolutely no reservations about my parents looking after DS....they would never harm him. When he's with them he's probably more easy going as he is when he's alone with us.

I know it sounds like I'm trying to be Mother Theresa but I don't want to punish my parents but as I said I'm pregnant and haven't got the energy to deal with them right now.

The simple truth is that I get so much pleasure from DS and it's got greater as he's grown. I feel sad that they might miss his little gem moments or be unable to enjoy his childhood because they are so uptight. Again, looking back I don't thing they got much pleasure from having had us but they were so excited at having a second chance with grandchildren.