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Parenting

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Original poster

Dd1's (6) best friend leaving their state primary and going to private school in September - how would you break the news and deal with it?

27 replies

Enid · 26/02/2006 12:06

dd1 will be devastated as they are inseparable. She has no idea that M is off in September.

Don't really know how to broach it - or what to say when she says 'can I go?'. (she can't - we can't afford it and also I think the village school is fine).

Trouble is, her class is TINY (16 in year one, they are divided between two classes, so there are only 8 in her class in her year). So it isn't as if she is going to have a load of new people to choose from.

Its such a bummer.

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lunavix · 26/02/2006 12:12

Will this leave 7 in her class?

WideWebWitch · 26/02/2006 12:13

Can you try to steer her in the direction of making some new friends before she finds out, or will M tell her before that? When she asks can she go you can tell the truth I think.

LIZS · 26/02/2006 12:20

Will they still be locals so she could see her after school or at weekends. Do they do anything together out of school already , like swimming or brownies, or that they could do which you can focus on when you tell her.

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Original poster

Enid · 26/02/2006 12:20

Yes will steer. But honestly there are only 4 other girls in her class.

yes lunavix. Also we suspect two other girls AND bruno might me off as well.

terrible really. poor old school

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Original poster

Enid · 26/02/2006 12:21

might be off

yes they do riding together but tbh I reckon that will be it

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lunavix · 26/02/2006 12:23

I was going to say, if there will end up an odd number definately steer her in the direction of a new friend.... girls are so clingy to their one best friend at that age...

Original poster

Enid · 26/02/2006 12:24

its not all rosy having tiny class sizes

there must be a word for this middle class 'kids brain drain' out to private school

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lunavix · 26/02/2006 12:25

enid why are all these kids leaving?? is it something to do with the school?

cod · 26/02/2006 12:26

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Tinker · 26/02/2006 12:26

Went through same with my eldest (3 of her best friends have moved away - not to private school). Difficult because I can see why she's not mates with rest of class - 2:1 boy to girl ratio so not a big pool of girls either. No real answer, I'm afraid.

Original poster

Enid · 26/02/2006 12:29

moving away because they can afford to go private I suppose.

M's parents are taking her out because they are sending R (older sister) and it makes sense to drive them both there. They are very sporty and like the emphasis on sport at new private primary. Also they like the flexi boarding option and all the activities there - horse riding etc so they won't have to spend so much time driving from place to place.

Bruno is going as prep schools start at 7.

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Original poster

Enid · 26/02/2006 12:30

yes cod agree it is a massive disadvantage of tiny schools.

shame though as it has brilliant results (2nd best primary in dorset)

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Original poster

Enid · 26/02/2006 13:31

its going to be awful actually as this is the second best friend dd1 has had - the one before left too! (parents job moved htem away)

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Hallgerda · 27/02/2006 09:37

Enid, several of DS1's best friends have left his state primary to go to private schools. I think all you really can do is tell your daughter in a straightforward way (being ready to field any "spin" her friend may put on the information), try to help her make new friends and also try to keep in touch with the friend who's leaving.

Original poster

Enid · 27/02/2006 09:39

did you 'big up' the state school your ds was at? did you feel the need to?

dh says I should say the reason that she can't go to the private school is that her school is better...don't know how happy I feel about that...I feel like just saying look we can't afford it.

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Hallgerda · 27/02/2006 09:59

I admitted we couldn't afford it!

One friend left to go to a private school for very bright children. I really wouldn't have been happy to send any of my children to such a school because I feel it is important that they should not see cleverness as their main defining feature. (And they really don't need "onomatopoeia" on spelling lists at age 7. Please don't correct me if I've misspelt it!) It was an interesting situation in that the parents of the friend clearly couldn't exactly afford it either. I slightly "bigged up" the advantages of meeting a broader range of children at the local state primary, but didn't go further than speaking from the heart if you see what I mean.

Another friend left after a bullying problem in which DS1 was probably the main victim. I was aggrieved about the way the school handled the matter, and it was one of the times I think I might have moved my children had I possessed the necessary resources. My line on that occasion was that DS1 was doing very well at standing up for himself (he was) and that was a very useful skill in later life, also that we couldn't afford to send him to a private school anyway.

In your situation I would tell your daughter the truth. (But then my preference for the truth is partly driven by a very bad memory for lies .)

Marina · 27/02/2006 10:09

It happens between independent schools at this age too Enid - ds' small, non-academically selective, gentle-touch school is losing some of its prototype rugger-buggers at the end of the year because the daddies have finally twigged that we don't have a swimming pool and our own playing fields :(
Like that really matters in all honesty...well not to us anyway.
Ds has lost good friends in reception because of family relocation and all we felt we could do is sympathise and listen to his angsty emoting.
We could not afford the big-hitting local public school prep that ds' special friend is going to next year either, but also feel it is not the right environment for ds (yock-yocks galore, they must be bussed in from all over the place because they certainly aren't local).
Do you think you can tell dd1 that the private school isn't right for her in a way that doesn't make it sound as though you are comparing the two schools, or dd1 and M's brain wattage?
Sympathies though - we have already had tears shed over this and I am sure there are more to come. :(

Bink · 27/02/2006 10:18

Yes, happens all over the place. Ds's two best friends are leaving from his class (particularly sad, as this is the first year (he's year 2) he's really got the hang of best friends ..) - one is going from private to state (ds's slightly mistaken take on this is "X passed the test for Y School so he has to go" - we thought that was fine as a self-explanation so haven't gone further); the other ("Z") is from overseas and going back, which is of course much easier to talk about. Yesterday at supper ds suddenly said "Z, Z, Z" - little expression of pure sadness.

We're dealing with it by reminding him, for instance, that there was a time when he knew X but wasn't yet friends with him, so maybe now he has a chance to get to be friends with other people.

drosophila · 27/02/2006 10:26

This happened to me when I was about 9 or 10. Best freind left as, wait for it, her aunt who also taught at school thought our teacher was a crazed lunatic (she was!!). Anyway it was a tiny school and there were only 8 in our class.

I spent the next two years really miserable and if I am honest it has probably affected me to this day. My parents did nothing to try and make things easier for me. Regular visits outside of school would have helped a lot.

Funnily enough we met again in Secondary school but we never re established our friendship. We came close when we went to Uni as we socialised quite a bit together. Wonder what she is doing now.

geekgrrl · 27/02/2006 10:30

we're going through this at the moment - dd's best friend has moved to a nearby town and dd is devastated. What has made it particularly painful for her is that the friend's mum is extremely unreliable and has been handling it really badly - promising dd that she could come over on Friday to play with C and telling me she would phone me to arrange it, and then not calling (v. typical - C also didn't turn up for dd's birthday party without any explanation - one of only 4 children invited - and it ruined the party for dd).
Dd is having frequent nightmares about it all now and it's a mess really. :( :(
I think my main advice is to reiterate that they can see each other at the weekends etc - this is what kept dd reasonably happy in the run-up to the move. Sadly it is not turning out that way, but C's mum really is crap.

batters · 27/02/2006 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Enid · 27/02/2006 11:39

It is more than possible they will stay in touch as dh and I are very good friends with her parents. I am a bit gutted too as I will be losing my closest 'mum' friend at the school, you know, the one that will pick up your dd as well as hers, who will take your child in and settle her if you have to rush off - we do this for each other all the time and tbh I will miss it .

I am pleased to hear that staying in touch during weekends IS perhaps the way to go. They do currently still go riding together and I am sure that will continue.

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Original poster

Enid · 27/02/2006 11:40

geekgirl that is heartbreaking, your poor dd

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batters · 27/02/2006 11:43

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robinpud · 27/02/2006 11:55

This happened to my dd at the same age when her best friend, whose birthday is the day after hers, who had been with her since the bump stage moved to one of the other schools locally because of her mum's work. We have made every effort to stay in touch and now they are 9 they still class themselves as bf and can now email each other. Going to the same Brownies has helped. It has been useful to dd to have a special friend outside of school as she doesn't get too worked up about the inevitable changes in friendships that girls have at this age.

The issue about small class sizes is also one I can relate to as the falling birthrate here has had a profound effect on numbers. For what it's worth my take on it is that in the smaller school they learn to mix with the children older and younger . In the school I teach in which is 60 per year group, the children actually stay within small groups most of the time and don't play with the other 59 kids at all. As your dd gets older she will make friends at different social actvities like riding and these together with her shcool friends and the family friends that you have wil mean that she is unlikely to be lacking in friends. Why put them in a car and drive them to a different school when you have a superb one on your doorstep?
Finally, don't under estimate chidren's ability to negotiate what YOU think of as a very tricky situation really successfully. Her new sibling will be much more important to her.
Try not to fret.

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