18 month toddler wakes up screaming, mother tired and desperate!

[DesertFox]

DS is nearly eighteen months now, he's never been what you might call a good sleeper, but recently it seems to have been getting worse.
We have a long established bedtime routine and he goes off ok at about 7, but then he pretty much always wakes at 8.30, I can usually get him back then quite easily, but at 10 he usually wakes up again, and although most times I can get him back to sleep, he wakes up again 20 mins later and keeps doing this until in desperation I take him into the spare bed, where often he still cries, but eventually sleeps with me.
Often by the time I get into his room he is standing up screaming and looking at the door waiting for me. Sometimes I spend an hour and a half getting him back to sleep in his cot and then just start to go to sleep in my bed and he wakes again - aaarrrggghh.
I struggle to get him to nap at all in the day, and he always wakes up after half an hour and won't go back to sleep.
He's such a gorgeous child, but I am at my wits end about this. I need my sleep. DP wakes at night too, but I'm an eight hours a night person and I need it. And I want to sleep in my own bed with DP (and it hasn't worked with the three of us in there - DP and DS keep each other up!). AND I've got people coming to stay in a month so won't be able to use spare bed option...
I've tried the no cry sleep solution for toddlers and preschoolers, but hasn't worked so far. Does anyone know of any books / websites that have helped (that don't advise leaving them crying - we tried that at one point, but it felt wrong, and he can cry for a really long time..).
Just knowing that I am not the only person going through this would help!

The first time i did controlled crying with Ds2 , i was up there, sitting on the landing for 4 hours! He would stand at the door and scream, i wouod take him back to bed, comfort him and then go out again. Every ten minutes for hours this went on. By the third night though he only came out screaming twice, and by about 10 days he was going to bed on his own.
You could also try stopping his nap during the day - if you struggle to get him to nap, then he maybe doesn't need one. Put bed time at 7.30 for a few weeks and see how it goes. It is frustrating, especially when you are tired and the child seems to be in such distress. My son could scream for scotland if he put his mind to it.
My HV was fantastic though and referred us to a sleep clinic which helped. He is 6 now, and, although he can take a while to get off to sleep, we never hear a peep out of him.
All i need now is to get Ds1 to stop waking at 5am every morning

i really would like to find out more about these 'sleep clinics' i keep hearing about! have phoned the HV for info!

sorry about your night last night desertfox. ds was awake from 2am-4am, but was mostly quiet. no real loud shouting.
i hope tonights better for us both!!

I'm supposed to be seeing the hv soon for ds's 18 month check, so I'll definitely ask her about the sleep clinic thing. Hope we all have a good night tonight - I'm already feeling tired, oh dear, will be going to bed in thick socks tonight so cold feet won't be a problem...

do they do an 18month check or does it vary area to area?

:sighs: yes. here's to a good nights sleep!
i cant keep consuming SO much coffee every day!

I think it varies area to area - where we used to live they did a year check and no 18 month, but here it's different. Anyway, night night, I'm off to bed soon, fingers crossed :)

Hurrah! Did manage to stay in bed - up at 11.30, 4.40 and 5.30 (and at 3.30 as DP thought he heard water and that pipe had burst!!), but no big scream fests. Feeling much more positive. Think everyone is right that persistence is the key, am just not the best at it in middle of night... Verytiredmum thanks for what you said - sounds EXACTLY like what I have been doing.
Lunarx have been thinking about what you were saying about the effect on relationships - we NEVER go out as don't want to leave DS with babysitters when likely to wake and scream, and we hardly get an uninterrupted evening together and when we do I want to go to bed at 10 and DP is saying 'where are you going?'A few weeks ago we had a couple of days when DS went to his granny's and DP and I just stayed at home together and it was such a revelation to have time alone together when neither of us was exhausted. I'd forgotten what it was like...

good! :)

ds woke sometime between 1 and 3, shouted a bit and was okay.. my neighbour (who already hates us and our son) must REALLY hate us now as ds's bedroom borders her house:( i dont like her, but i wouldnt want to live next to us!!

we go out sometimes in the evening (only when we know ds will sleep and not wake). we've not ever been away from him for the night (as we have no one local to watch him. and with him waking like this, we wouldnt anyway.) our relationship is definitely suffering:(

yet another sleep-deprived day.... i have a hv coming around next week to talk to me about all this. AGAIN.

oh no, you poor thing having a mean neighbour too. we don't have any near neighbours and i'm very glad when ds is screaming...

:nods: well luckily we are moving in april, and because of ds, we are hoping to find an end of terrace (or detached if we get lucky)...

we've already been confronted by this neighbour while i thought was horrible because i had went and spoke to her on several occasions (when we did controlled crying when ds was about a year old..) shrug.. i dont really think about it too much now, but i know he wakes her up...

now to keep ds awake til 7, he is so tired now :(

For the first yr of my ds life it was a living hell every single night just trying to get him to settle down without us having to lay beside him to fall asleep (leaving us with no time in the evening for ourselves) We used to try the leaving to cry but could not cope with it.

One evening i had enough and dh said right now he knows its night time (keeping to evening routine) we left him crying for about 2.5 hrs but the next night was 40 min next night 20 min (no crying just laying there sleepy) and that was it! Being completely 100%to the routine really helped. However as time went on we did have to change things a little like putting him to bit half an hour later some times more sometimes less but eventually we found his best time and stuck to that. Now he is nearly 2,out the cot and in his bed and really looks forward to it! (have been known for him to put himself to bed lol)

Have to say the crying used to get me down and i would be left exahsted and crying too. My midwife said some will even be sick they cry that bad but as soon as they feel and understand the routine they are happy because they lke to know what is going to happen next.
How anyone deals with there situation is all so different i know. There is no wrong way of doin things its whatever helpsyou the most. Just thought i would say how i found it.I always found hearing others makes it feel your not the only one who has/goes through the same situation.

Thanks Dunnyjo, it does really help to hear about everyone else's experiences.

Am feeling less desperate about the sleeping situation :) though have to say, as have been making big effort not to take DS into bed with me have had to get up more often and so am actually more tired .

Lunarx, good that you are moving. Maybe DS will sleep better in new house with less bad energy coming through the wall ;)

Also wanted to say DS woke up absolutely screaming at 8:30 yesterday evening, I am sure that he was having tummy trouble - in the day he had even been saying 'tummy hurt' and rubbing it!!! Does anyone out there know anything about indigestion / reflux in children and what I should / shouldn't be feeding him??

Lionel Ritchie works for my little man. I just put his music on, give kiss and hug. Then say very firmly that mummy isn't coming back in. Go out, close door firmly, listen to screams of terror for three or four minutes, then listen to him listening to see if I'm coming running, then turn over pull the covers up and go to sleep myself. He does about eleven hours at night and two during the day. It's funny watching in the shops when Lionel Ritchie comes on. He looks at me and say "I not tired mummy!" He's just turned two and I've done controlled crying. It really worked after a few nights. I know it's hard and they can scream really loud and for a long time. My own ds2 screamed for nearly two hours and I just kept going in and putting him back in bed and walking out.

I haven't read any other posts but different things work for different people. You have to follow your instincts.

We too had trouble with my son sleeping when he got to about 20 months. He was still in a cot and being the 'hard type' that lets them cry, i would leave him to cry, until after two dyas of this he actually climbed out of the cot! Then the fun really began. I was quite pregnant at the time and we tried everything from putting him in our bed to sitting with him. A few days of this was MORE than enough for me! We sat down and decided what kind of behavoiur we definitely didnt want long term ie we didnt want a child in the bed with us and we didnt wnat to have to sit in his room either. Once these 2 things were decided, we had a set of guidelines to stay focussed on. If u dont wnat a child in the bed then dont put him there even if it seems easier short term. If you dont wnat to have to sit in your childs room every night to put him to bed then dont start that. We changed DS from a cot to a bed and I told him that I would sit at the top of the stairs. He must have got out 20 times at least for the first few days, then it reduced slowly as he realised that i was always on the stairs and he would just be led straight back to bed. After a week I was able to potter around in our bedroom putting laundry away etc as long as he could hear that I was up there. By the third week, I would tell him that I was going to go downstairs and would be coming back up soon to check on him. I did this for few days and eventually it only required one visit upstairs about 5 mins after he went down. When his baby sister arrived, he surprised us all and never did it again thankfully! All I can say is, Hang in there once you've decided what u DO and DONT want as a long term thing. Ah, also forgot to add that we put a night light in his room as he seemed to be afraid of the dark and thsi also had some effect. We took it away 2 months later once all the problems were sorted.

thanks desertfox, i think so too.. at least last night ds only woke for an hour and only shouted once (the rest of the time he was saying new words he knows, over and over and over again!)

we are going to look at places to move this weekend so we can move by the middle of april!