I love my children but hate being a mother – does anyone feel the same – I need help!

[deemee]

I love my kids dearly but the daily endless drudgery of motherhood is eating me up. I feel trapped in a life I hate- like a prisoner or a slave. I had a good job but going back is logistically impossible, and we cannot afford help with the kids.
I keep very busy ? friends and activities but I find it mindless and boring. I find the constant demands, moaning, screaming tantrums of my 2 toddlers unbearable.i struggle through each day and by the end am so tired I can hardly move ? but my brain is wide awake- as I haven?t used it all day!
Every morning gets more difficult to get up ? I get panicy and scared of the awful day ahead.
I am derpressed but I think the cause is practical rather than hormonal/emotional and I want practical help rather than ?see a doctor? or ?take antidepressents? as I don?t think that will fix underlying cause.

i kind of wish someone would have told me this before i had kids!! i feel very trapped and quite resentful - which shouldnt be :-(
hopefully i'll find a way out... thanks for all your support guys!

my mum said "why don´t you send him to nursery - you might appreciate him more". i was devastated. then i sent him lol.

Margo yes, that song and the book The Women's Room told me lots about 1960s housewive's lives. Grim, particularly because they were so trapped by expectation and lack of choice. Great book OP but long. Does at least contrast with relative choice and freedom now.

Of course,as I'm probably about to find out, we now enjoy choice, freedom and equality until we have children. I'm only five weeks in.

Can you meet up with other parents? Exercise as much as possible it's always more helfpful than you imagine possible. Does your local cinema do baby friendly screenings?

Ok you said you see friends. I think you need activities for yourself, or just time off, scheduled to look forward to. Even a couple of hours twice a week would give you a bit of space to read or think. Is that possible?

I am in a similar position to you and have posted a lot about it on here. DH works long hours, travels a lot with work and so I'm on my own a lot. Loneliness is a big part of the problem.
Things that seem to help me:

• some nursery for them both (youngest only started recently and I can really feel the difference - just knowing that you have a few hours' breather in an otherwise long week)
• exercise
• a hobby or goal to work towards for YOU
• a cleaner just to remove some of the drudgery (OK I know a lot of the daily grind can't be avoided eg washing, cooking, endless clearing up but at least if scrubbing the bath and vacuuming can be removed it's something)
• befriend other SAHMs - a lot of the mums I know work part-time and it's their salvation, but unfortunately I can't - logistically, financially - so at least with other SAHMs you get real moral support

I keep telling myself "the days are long but the years are short", it's my mantra and in dark moments I have to cling to that.

I've taken ADs and although it took the edge off, there were other unwanted side effects. I did CBT for a while and it was this that helped me the most - it made me feel a bit proactive about helping myself when I felt utterly trapped and powerless and counting the years till they're both in full-time education. I still have days when I do that, don't get me wrong!

I found a really nice HV who said things like "don't feel guilty for looking forward to 7pm" and that was helpful. It IS hard, there is no denying it, and most working mums I know admit that their days at home are tougher than their days in the office.

Re finances, it has taken me a while to realise that although we cannot "afford extra help", that sometimes, extravagant though it seems, getting a bit of childcare is more important than other things in the budget. It may well have saved my sanity and my marriage.

Another thing, if your DH/DP can give you a breather at the weekends - few hours child-free time - it will be good for you, for him to have alone-time with the children and also nice for the DCs who are with mum all the time. I find everyone benefits (but especially me!) from a change like this.

Sorry for the essay! You are not alone.

I forgot to say, I also have a mother who had more kids, closer in age than mine, and can't understand why I find it tough! I think she has probably forgotten a lot about it, but also, most of her friends were SAHMs as well, and there was a sense of community too, all the mums were around every day, people dropped in on each other. She also forgets that she had her mum and MIL practically next door and they helped a LOT. She on the other hand rarely helps me and even less rarely gives moral support.

I felt EXACTLY the same as you until my youngest started full time school. I had a mental breakdown just before he went full time. I think I was trying to cling on until the light at the end of tunnel which for me was DS starting full time school.

Things are so much better now. DS is in year 1 and I have a big chunk of my life back and no longer feel trapped as I'm free to do as I please between 9 and 3. I can't go back to work as I have ongoing health issues.

All I would say is don't dismiss anti d's. All those people you see who seem to be coping so well and are so happy are probably on anti d's but haven't told you. That's what I found out after my breakdown and went on anti d's myself. All the other seemingly happy coping mums were on them too! That's what makes them happy and coping!

really thank u guys - i always thought it was just me and those people you see on supernanny!! but kind of worrying that its a widespread thing and yet there is so little talking about it/advice available...

naturelover I agree with this

"most working mums I know admit that their days at home are tougher than their days in the office."

My Monday mornings feel like my Friday evenings used to. That sense of clocking off and some time for myself . Some of the younger people in the office say to me "Did you get up to anything fun at the weekend?" and I look at them with bewilderment.

I have this print on my study wall. Sums it up for me!

tales from a little life

I worried my DS would pick up on me feeling depressed because he is so intuitive and we are v close. I did go to the doctor because I thought that was responsible thing to do. The young newly qualified locum called social services. Over a year on we are still trying to pick up the pieces of the chaos that followed. Our lives changed for ever.

Just be very careful who you seek help from. Most experienced GPs are used to weepy mums not feeling great and worried about their kids - the young keen ones seem to think all parents are a danger to their children and once social services are on to you.........no family is perfect but if you weren't too depressed before you will be well and truly broken afterwards..and no, no help for any of the family.

I felt a lot like this this morning when I got up and I get myself so stressed about the little things like them making a mess and fighting when I should be a lot calmer but the truth is I don't know how to be calm, I think getting stressed is my way of coping with it, wish I could be more relaxed though. I too cannot wait to get my life back and have my own money working again, I miss the money more than anything. Although as much as I moan about it I wouldnt have wanted anyone else to bring my kids up, i've been able to do it exactly my way as I am a bit like that anyway. My hubby is in the forces so its been really hard when he's been away a lot and theres no-one to talk to about it at the end of the day and no break til they go to bed. Also haven't really been able to work with moving around etc and not financially worth it but there is light at the end of the tunnel thank god although im not out of the woods yet, its been a long time coming.

You will miss those early years when they are gone - and when your job is done....then what?

Its sad, is the truth. That bond of a mum and young child is something so precious and when you have to start unwinding those ties as you let them grow and let them go it hurts ........and no one tells that is the hardest part of being a mum. No one tells you.

Are you me?

This week I could have written that exact post word for word. I know what's causing it. I miss my identity as "an employed person" and the weather. The former will just have to wait but some days I have real miseries about it. When the weather is good, however, and we are out for the bulk of the day all our moods change. I find toddler groups a drudge. I love being outside - we all do.

I also find that I get into a cycle of always telling them off and then they behave even worse. If I shift my perception just slightly to praising them for the good things they're doing they tend to behave better and we are all happier. It's a subtle shift in attitude but it takes a lot of effort some days. It is worth it though.

And yes, as everyone says, just keep reminding yourself that it is temporary. You'll look back and wish you'd made more of your days (alongside congratulating yourself for getting through it).

Just to add, I recommend Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. Some good tips which can also help you to view certain situations more positively. I was surprised at how much difference it made at times.

I'm so glad I found this thread. I adore my son (26 months old) but some days I dread the thought of spending the whole day with him. I feel so unnatural & like the worst mother in the world. I'm expecting number 2 in September so feel lousy a lot of the time, plus the weather is so crappy it's difficult to motivate myself to get out.
But I do adore my son & have trouble understanding how I can feel both things at the same time.
Am seriously starting to worry about how I'll cope with 2. I work part time & some weeks I can't wait to go to work.
Glad I'm not the only one who struggles.

" All those people you see who seem to be coping so well and are so happy are probably on anti d's "

Which is an utterly appalling prospect, if it's true. I thought we'd left the days of 'mothers little helpers' far behind. If people are having to drug themselves to make life at home bearable... doesn't something radical have to change?

I'm on anti D's & not sure if I'm coping or not!

This was me a couple of years ago! I had 2 preschoolers at the time and 2 in school. You need something in your life that is just for you, whatever that is. For me it was doing a course and going to the gym that saved my sanity. Both left me out of pocket but it was a small price to pay for giving me some headspace. If you don't look after yourself and your own emotional wellbeing you cannot possibly look after your DC's.
Be kind to yourself, you are at the most physically exhausting point of parenthood.
Oh and that course which seemed like a waste of time and money at the time has helped me recently to get a fantastic new job now that my DC's are all in school.
OP you are not alone and you are doing a good job.

MrsHelsBels I think that counts as coping. You realised you needed help and you sought it. Just like the OP. In my experience the people around me who are coping best have lots of support from family and friends. Mainly family. And possibly babies who sleep on cue.

Oh and lovely as they were in many ways I do not miss those preschool years one little bit. I enjoy the relationships I have with my DC's now with some space between us far more, it's much less intense and pleasant.
Not everyone enjoys those first few years in all their intense,physically exhausting madness.

I second the suggestion of 'playful parenting'

It was more effective than I could have imagined

Anti Ds are just a crutch but possibly a useful one while you find a way to enjoy life more

your old job is logistically impossible, but some other kind of outlet is needed - volunteering, a course, freelancing, a different job

Is there a job you can do from home? Or something such as creative writing, learning a language etc. Charity work can be a good, fulfilling one - a friend of mine who isn't a SAHM but has polio and can't get out much - is involved with writing letters of appeal on the behalf of Amnesty International, as well as organising fundraising for a local hospice. She does all of this from home with her phone and the internet and feels she's making a difference to the world.

Just an idea!

Look forward to the next sunny day we have, the summer is just around the corner. Plan a big picnic, go somewhere nice, take a few blankets, toys and just sit there soaking up the sun. Don't do any housework all day. Having something to look forward to really helps.

And have days when you just get everything done, - i.e. all the laundry, cleaning, ironing in the evening, all in one day. So you can have other days when you have time to read a good book or do something you enjoy doing. Make time for yourself.

I didn't enjoy being a SAHM, I looked forward to going back to work. It is very boring. I completely sympathise. It won't be forever.