What did you struggle with most when you had your first baby?

[GummyBearGrandad]

My niece recently gave birth to her first baby and was complaining that no-one told her about the really difficult stuff of being a first-time mum. Such as colic, teething, reflux etc. I'm trying to get her to join Mumsnet as I think she'll benefit from the support so I want to link this thread to her (and it's also why I've changed my posting name so she will recognise it instantly).

So, be honest and tell me what you found most difficult with your first baby and what advice you would give to others.

For me, it was the colic and breastfeeding. I felt under quite a lot of pressure to keep going with the breastfeeding even though it bloody hurt and I got mastitis. I also remember the sleepless nights just walking up and down with her screaming over my shoulder and feeling so very shite, frustrated, angry and helpless. Then feeling guilty that I couldn't stop her from crying.

[Goldrill]

Having a small baby full stop. Very hard work and very boring for quite some time. Then they get to be a bit bigger and can communicate and start doing stuff and it's brilliant! Am expecting DD2, and if I could have her handed to me at 9 months old I probably would do.

Agree entirely with Emmyloo.

Also, I have a lovely DP who is a thoroughly modern man and generally very considerate - but discovered he is utterly useless without sleep, even more of a worrier than I had previously realised and found the whole first year exceptionally difficult. It was a shock for me to see him being other than extremely capable and has changed my view of him as a partner (still wonderful, but different). I feel the weight of responsbility for both of them sometimes.

[MotherofPearl]

Lots of these posts resonate with me, especially in relation to DC1. There is no doubt that it IS hard-going and exhausting. But while I think it's laudable to prepare new mums for some of the challenges of having a new baby, and at the risk of sounding smug or contrary, I also think it's worth highlighting some of the positives. Sorry to go against the grain here, but I loved BF both of my babies, and I find tiny babies so sweet and cuddly.

Am still currently BF DC2 and feel like his babyhood is slipping by so fast. I love his sweet downy milk-smelling head snuggling up to me, and know that in a couple of months he'll be sitting up, eating solids, and well on his way to independent toddlerhood. So I guess I would also say to any new mum-to-be, be prepared for the challenges, but also savour every delicious moment of new babyhood because the cliche about it speeding by is all too true.

[GodisaDJ]

I have found first 8.5 months easy so far compared to some posters.

Pregnancy seemed to prepare me for lack of sleep, I'm tired but not reached exhaustion stage yet and dd still doesn't sleep through

My thoughts-

Breastfeeding - as hard as I thought it would be. But spoke to people and researched the 'science' behind it whilst pg (supply /demand) Also had support from local nhs group, sister and one friend who'd bf'ed her DS the year before for 10 months. I still say to people now, pg women need to research bf'ing if they plan on doing it (instead of researching the buggy they want to buy ) It is hard & doesn't come naturally to everyone and there are many many problems which you may have to overcome. Knowledge will help potentially overcome those problems.

Sick - lots of it from our dd. Changing clothes/ bedding 3/4 times a night got frustrating.

Friends - you loose touch with old ones but make new ones. A bit of a grieving process loosing old friends but it takes effort on both sides for friendships to last, I found I was making more effort unfortunately and it wasn't being acknowledged by some so called friends. Baby cafes were great for me, have never felt lonely since dd arrived (ive never been busier meeting people or having mums round my house for a brew!)

happynappies I agree with your earlier post about balancing between giving advice to pregnant friends and potentially bombarding them with info/scaring them. My friend (mentioned above who bf'ed) was fab, she text me her email address early on and her house phone number and told me to email / contact her any time. I hardly spoke to her during those first few weeks but many emails and texts exchanged at random times of the day - she was a lifesaver. I plan on being supportive to my friend who is a first time mum this summer (also will be single). She has already asked lost of questions so I'm happy to answer them, but I too don't want to scare her or tell her that her life is going to change dramatically, but I have been as honest as I think I should be at this stage

Long post - sorry! Back to my cold

[Jdub]

That IS so true MotherofPearl , and beautifully put! My 2.5 year old is so independent, all babyishness has gone! I love the relative ease of a 5 and a 2.5yr old, but part of me feels sad that those baby days have past!

[RidingHood]

Giving up my whole life and personality and becoming nothing more than somebody's mother. My best bit of advice, make sure you take some time out for yourself, even in those first few weeks, otherwise you will go insane. Like I did!

[MandyM749]

Lack of sleep! And trying to get a routine going.

[Chateauneuf]

The feeling I had brought this perfect creature into the world, but was so far from being a perfect mother for her; a total feeling of inadequacy compounded by breast-feeding problems (I still suspect undiagnosed tongue-tie based on how different it was with DC2). I was PFB, but also set myself up to fail with impossible ideals of how it was supposed to be. Feeling generally crap that this wasn't something I was 'good' at or enjoying. Took me about 9 months to adjust (when DC1 started sleeping through...)

[Armi]

Goldrill - my lovely DH was the same. He was brilliant (and still is) in many, many ways but absolutely couldn't function with disturbed sleep in any way that was pleasant to be around. We've been together 13 years and he has never spoken unpleasantly or unkindly to me in all that time, but after 4 nights with a newborn he snapped at me. I took over the nights - he was more use to me, functioning, during the day and I've always been good at coping with little sleep.

[gourd]

Initially for a first week or two it was the mad hormones along with lack of sleep that caused awful, awful tearyness. Horrible. There was also the initial breastfeeding problems - nipple pain and terrible guilt/feeling like a awful Mother and feeling like a failure when it turned out everything was fine really and I was just experiencing fairly normal problems that were easily overcome with some research and experimentation. Hormones made that hard to appreciate at the time though. I also didn't know initially that is is normal for babies to want to feed all the time, literally, with very little time (a few minutes a day!) when they are not feeding or seeming to feed! Wish I had realised that! I thought I didnt have enough milk or something was wrong, and now wish I'd realsied that everything was fine and that babies just enjoy suckling all the time at first.
After that all was great for a good 6 months or so, then there was going back to work. Still on that one. Still hate it!

[FaneFeyre]

BellaCB, I also have a three month old and could have written your post. Esp the part about DP. Wonderful and supportive, but still free in a way I don't ever think I'll be again.

[emmyloo2]

Mermaid - please be assured I felt exactly like you did. So many nights I spent crying because I would work a full day and then just want to relax and I would find myself walking the streets because my son wouldn't settle. My DH found it much less stressful but I just got so anxious. The hours od about 5.30pm to 8pm were so stressful for me. TBH it only started to get better a few months ago but it got exponentially better to the point where I now no longer dread the evenings as much. He goes to sleep much easier and he can talk now so he can at least say words to express what he wants. Putting him to bed is really quite easy. He still occasionally wakes at night or early in the morning but he asks for a bottle and he has this and then goes back to sleep. So the ground hog day feeling is slowly subsiding. However, from what people day - it really is after 2 or 3 that you start to feel your life comes back so I have some time to go.
That is what scares me about the second - you go right back to the beginning.....

I hope that helps.

[tomverlaine]

More the emotional side- having severe baby blues (?PND) and finding it hard/difficult to leave DS for any time or have hom out of my sight. I remember DP suggesting that the crib went to the bottom of the bed (at about 8 weeks?) and being hysterical at the thought

[Pendulum]

Apologies if others have said this:

Never being able to put my own needs or wants first. I feel really narcissistic writing that.

[CharlieMouseWillDoIt]

GodisaDJ makes an excellent point about pregnant women who would like to breastfeed to do some research before the baby arrives. Apart from one NCT session on breastfeeding, I didn't really have much of an idea. My NCT leader gave the impression that although the baby would need frequent feeding, it would come at regular 3-4 hour intervals. It therefore came as a bit of a shock that my DD would feed for hours at a time and then want feeding again almost immediately. Fortunately, all that sitting around on the sofa with DD attached to my boobs gave plenty of time to check out kellymom.com/!

[Jdub]

That is a good point CharlieMouse . I naively had the impression that I would be able to express either first thing or perhaps during the night, whilst my baby slept, as we were informed that this was when your body made the best quality milk. This went completely out the window when neither myself nor my son had actually slept!

[mermaid101]

It's been so good for me to read this thread. I've really stuggled with becoming a mother and hearing that I'm not alone is so reassuring. I feel I'm surrounded be women who have taken to it so naturally and I think I feel almost ashamed to admit that there are things about having a baby that I just don't enjoy - everyone else seems completely blissed out.

Emmyloo, thanks for that. It was really helpful! I think we must be twins! My DH is just like yours too. I'm the stressy one. I wish I could be more relaxed, but try as i might it just doesn't happen!

[kickingking]

How painful and messy breastfeeding was at first. I had no idea that 'when your milk comes in' can mean that you literally can't move without showering your baby, your clothes, your sofa and your husband with milk. And that when the books talk about breastfeeding making your nipples 'sore' that doesn't mean sore like a little patch of dry skin or something, it is a pain that makes you feel physically sick and shakey.

That not all babies cry all the time and don't sleep. Everyone told me that that was the case, but I was lucky enough to have an excellent sleeper who didn't cry much. Therefore, the whole baby thing was much easier than I had been expecting.

How bad babies are for your relationship. Seriously, it took us two years to settle into being parents together. Two years.

The 24/7 responsibility. Which, in some ways, I am still getting used to five years on. That I can't go for a drink after work, or get my hair cut without planning it all days before hand. Annoyingly, DH still does many things spontaneously. (See point above. I learned to pick my battles)

[Cazm2]

I am pleased I found this thread. My dd is 5 weeks old and up until 3 weeks old was brillany started going 4-5 hours a night. However now has silent reflux. I dread nighttimes. I too have been hullacinating after lack of sleep following terrible labour and 2 blood transfusions. Coming home still severely anaemic. Reflux is horrible and I am going to punch the next person who says she is playing up at night. I lie and listen to her grunt kick gag etx every night between 3 onwards eventually having her sleep upright in bed with me surrounded by cushions. I am exhausted trying cures and wish there was one to stop my dd screaming after every feed. I echo everything esle taking hours to get once out screaming for a feed. Just my independence gone. My Dh has been brill but as working sleeps however I am surprised how much he doesnt cope with lack of sleep. Everyone says it gets better so I am clinging ont that . I love my dd but so envious of people with model babies makes me feel I am doing something wrong!

[all4u]

Yes do get her on MN - marvellous support that wasn't there when I had mine! I loved Penelope Leach but none of the books etc really get to grips with the fact that we are all similar but DIFFERENT! I was determined to breast feed - TINA - but now I am appalled that Mums are not told the basic fact that it is really really important that every baby has its colostrum and after that it doesn't really matter except for Mum's who cannot/do not observe proper hygiene! Every baby lamb gets colostrum - that magic first milk which primes their immune system and is tailored just for them but human mothers are told it is only 'watery first milk' with 'no feed value' - criminal.
Apart from that join the club and do your best!

[BellaCB]

Ah, fanefeyre, its a relief to hear someone agrees! I feel so awful for resenting his bloody lunch, but I really really do... But I also hate the fact that he doesn't understand! I'm leaving him alone with DD for 24 hours next week, lets see if he gets it then

[AngryFeet]

Agreed motherofpearl. My experiences of motherhood have been mainly positive. Was just posting in response to the question of struggling but mainly I have loved every minute! Now they are 7 and 5 and it is so much fun!

[scottishmummy]

boredom
missed adults contact
lack of sleep
constant grind of tasks

[FaneFeyre]

I guess it's the mental burden though as well BellaCB. I went out for 2 hours the other evening after DD had gone to bed. Had a nice evening but thought about her constantly; the worry was there. I think DP while being a lovely father is able to just do his work thing during the day without that undercurrent of...is dread the right word? cycling through his mind because he is away from baby.

And YY to the others who have been surprised at their OH's inability to function on little sleep.

[reallypissedoffhouseseller]

Actually DH functions better than I do on broken sleep: he suffers, but he doesn't get into the suicidal pit of despair that I did. After I stopped breastfeeding we agreed that he'd do the nights and I'd do all the early mornings.

[Lastofthepodpeople]

Sleep deprivation without a doubt. I was a zombie.