What did you struggle with most when you had your first baby?

[GummyBearGrandad]

My niece recently gave birth to her first baby and was complaining that no-one told her about the really difficult stuff of being a first-time mum. Such as colic, teething, reflux etc. I'm trying to get her to join Mumsnet as I think she'll benefit from the support so I want to link this thread to her (and it's also why I've changed my posting name so she will recognise it instantly).

So, be honest and tell me what you found most difficult with your first baby and what advice you would give to others.

For me, it was the colic and breastfeeding. I felt under quite a lot of pressure to keep going with the breastfeeding even though it bloody hurt and I got mastitis. I also remember the sleepless nights just walking up and down with her screaming over my shoulder and feeling so very shite, frustrated, angry and helpless. Then feeling guilty that I couldn't stop her from crying.

[elizaregina]

I struggled mostly with my PIL and in particular my MIL, interfering, had me hoovering, cleaning etc....tried to take over.....

Next just plain worry, can i really keep this baby alive! Then breast feeding, it was an awful lot harder with pain, routines etc than I ever thought it would be, also the fact you are sort of stuck there unable to do anything!!!

[pommedechocolat]

Ahh yes the PILs. That was shit with dd1.

I still struggle with the fact mil wants to be dd1's mummy though!

[ebbandflow]

When anyone babysat, because I was utterly exhausted, I spent the time apart worrying frantically and checking up all the time.

[dribbleface]

I struggled with DS1 (in hingsight I too had PND) since i've had DS2 many people have commented how i wasn't right after I had DS1. I wish someone would have said, I knew i wasn't ok but couldn't say it.

On a more practical note the best advise I was given was dry shampoo is your friend!

[Kerb252318]

Sleep likes I'm jealous the hardest thing was my DD she was a terrible baby so screamy just all the time ....she was just miserable I couldn't bond with her the lack of sleep just made it worse. My partner was no support didn't know what to do so did nothing . The hardest year of my life
Like people say it's the relentlessness of it day after day.... The weeks and days dragged.
Now at 16 m she has her moments and is very clingy but it a total joy and I love watching her change everyday. Plus I want another so that proves it gets better !!

But I do dread the baby bit the next one will be easier right???

[dribbleface]

kerb252318 - DS2 was a breeze (6 months now), DS1 screamed from day one (yes i was that woman on maternity with the baby that wouldn't stop screaming). DS2 has slept better from day 1 (although not at the moment!). I'd have another 10 if they were all like that.

(DS1 is a lovely but still highly strung 4 year old now, wouldn't change him for the world but my word that first year was hell on earth)

[Kerb252318]

Dribble face that s good to hear I was so jealous of my friends with their loverly babies ...even some of my best friends thought I wasnt coping until they realised how bad she was! If one more person said she has a good set of lungs I would have murdered them. I used to think never ever ever again ....yet here I am now. She is to highly strung even now but it does make me smile when my friends angel babies have bad days and they fall apart! I feel ha welcome to my world not fun is it!

She is such a character now I look at her and melt I try and just push those dark days behind me it's such a short time although god it felt like forever..

Like the dry shampoo one!! And coffee is your best friend......the tiredness makes me weep thinking about it

[Dyeingforachange]

pomme I have a MIL like that too! You have my sympathies.

[sesamesep11]

1. Breastfeeding:
   

It took me about 8 weeks and got mastitis twice to get the hang of it. I had bacteria infections on both sides due to incorrect latch-on from the very beggining. It was SO PAINFUL. Midwives in the hospital were either too busy to help, or couldn't tell me what it felt like because she never had babies before. It was DH who squeezed the first drop of milk out of my boobs. I am glad I stuck to it, watching my baby sucking away and getting satisfied is the sweetest feeling, but I wish someone told me about the pain beforehand. Besides, I still struggle with the fact that I couldn't tell how much exactly my baby has drank everyday. I know about counting wet nappies and weighing-in at baby clinics but personally I would really like to know just to be sure.

1. That you get to make new friends, and possibly lose old ones:
   

As others have said, I too found the feeling of being isolated terrifying. I did a NCT class beforehand so I got to know some local mums-to-be, my health visitor also introduced me to other mums, and going to baby activities (i.e. baby massages, play groups) really helped. Also I talked to acquiantances and colleagues who are also mums a lot more. On the other hand, some of my close friends are still single have grew distant because there are less things we share in common. They are still working full time and I am a staying at home mum. They find it hard to comprehend what is so difficult about sitting at home with a baby? Or I get dismissive comments about I worry too much about my baby. Sometimes I think they are envious after all.

1. Teething: my DS is 7 months old and there has been intensive crying for about 6 weeks now. He also became very clingy so I had to hold him a lot. I didn't know for certain it was teething until yesterday, when I saw two tooth buds in his bottom gum. It takes a lot of energy and trying to stay positive when my baby screams and cries, especially when we are out and about... To be honest I heard about this before birth, but I just didn't realise it can be so awful...
   

1. Sleep deprivation: It has wicked effect on me, but I struggled to nap when my baby naps. Nowadays I go to bed early so I can put up with waking up several times at night.
   

In saying all these, having a baby is one of the best things I've ever done, I won't trade the experiences with anything else in the world! :)

[openerofjars]

Sleep deprivation. Until you've been through it, you can't really believe how bad it is. There is a reason it is used as a torture method. I used to be a ten hours a night person and wanted to die from tiredness at times.

I felt able to get on with it when I had the sudden, stunning realisation that it wasn't personal and that the constant nappy-feed-puke-sleep cycle of the first few weeks, with the attendant crying, was just how babies are and that This Too Will Pass.

A very wise friend once told me that once you've got your head round the fact that a tiny baby doesn't give a crap if you're tired, bleeding, sad, busy or whatever, and that it really is just a miniscule and often furious ball of basic needs, then you've got a handle on the reality of the situation.

[reallypissedoffhouseseller]

Exhaustion. DS wasn't a bad sleeper till we hit three months, then for the next six he was up every two hours every night. I nearly killed myself. I literally couldn't bear to go on any more and the only thing that stopped me was that my exhausted brain couldn't work out how to do it without either traumatising a random stranger (train or bus driver) or leaving poor DH to find my body. It wasn't PND, it was sheer miserable exhaustion. It lifted the instant I got a solid night's sleep when we got a night nanny in for a week when DS was 9 months.

DS is a much beloved infant (nearly 2 now), but I'm never having another. I couldn't go through that again.

Breastfeeding was quite grim too. I struggled on for a long time, but I never liked it: it was boring, painful and miserable.

[theduchesse]

For me it was the teething. DS was really chilled out for the first 5 months of his life so I thought we'd struck it lucky but for the last month he's been teething really badly almost continuously. Grumpy all day, lots of tears, easily frustrated, pain relief only helps for a bit. And STILL he has no teeth!! I didn't know it could work like that.

[miaowmix]

So many people have said the ultimate taboo on here - that babies can be boring. BORING. That is my over-riding memory, dullsville. Never again for me, thank god

[GingaNinja]

Sleep deprivation. Still (DD will be 3yo in just under 6 weeks). A good day means that I'm only puking tired.

Plus silent reflux. Plus random vomiting while teething (all teeth arrived within 17 weeks, which included me going back to work...when the creche would phone me at work at least once a week to collect her). Plus DH deciding without consultation to take a job working away for 8 weeks that became 9 months - conveniently covering the bit between 4mo and 13 mo. Plus utterly unsupportive in laws (we don't live in the UK).

The first 18 months - the baby bits - were unmitigated shit, a war of attrition. As a toddler she has been/is FANTASTIC.

But it was definitely the sleep deprivation that I most loathed and continue to resent. And I am never EVER having another baby; would love more toddlers though.

[Armi]

Definitely tiredness. And that awful feeling that your life has changed forever and you can never, never go back.

I also hated never being off-duty - coming home after an afternoon out and wanting to sit down with a cup of tea, but instead having to get cracking sterilising bottles, changing nappies, rocking a howling child etc.

Never mind. I do love that little girl now more than anything.

[TaytoCrisp]

Mastitis which turned to horrific abcess requiring several hospital visits and drainage.

Loss of "free-time".

[Beveridge]

With DC1, I remember bfing lying down for ages and thinking "this is driving me crackers. I need to get up, walk about, do something!"

With DC2, I'd find myself feeding lying down for ages and think "this is amazing. Some time to just lie down and not have to go off and get something or do something".

[NapaCab]

Just how much work it is to FEED a baby, in any way, bottle or breast. Breastfeeding my DS was hell and I had to wrestle him to get him to latch on and even then he had a really odd latch where he would chafe while sucking. Painful! When we switched over to bottle-feeding, I had to wrestle him with that too and he just would wriggle away or refuse the bottle. And then the wind!! Burping him took ages, I used to walk around with him on my shoulder desperate for him to get his wind up, on the verge of total exhaustion. I used to want to scream with frustration. You would think that babies just feed naturally as it's something that must be instinctive but in reality it's not like that. Feeding was an absolute chore.

Every baby is different though - with some it's sleep, some it's colic, some it's feeding.

[emmyloo2]

It's funny because I have two friends (one is my best friend) who are about to have their first babies and I have tried to prepare them for the sheer difficulty of those first few weeks. I found the first 12 months very hard, particularly the first 6 months. I "knew" it would be hard because people tell you and you read it but until you have the baby and you are facing day in and day out, night after night of looking after this baby, does it really hit home. For me it was the utter loss of my previous life. The fact that every night, without fail, I had to do the bath, feed, sleep routine, night after night after night. Even now, with my DS being almost 18 months old, it still is quite a burden. But when he was a baby, it was shocking to me. I couldn't see an end in sight. Now he is 18 months it really is so much easier. The problem for me is I now worry about having a second and whether it will be as tough as the first. I am so scarred by those first few months that I am not sure if I can cope with doing it again.

Does anyone else feel like this?

But to sum up, my advice would be: ignore the books, do whatever works and whatever gets you through the night and know that in a year or so it will start getting better. It does get better. The anxiety does pass. It's just a tough slog but when they start talking and communicating, it is so heartwarming. I cannot wait for my DS to get older and to really form a relationship with him. I can tell already it is going to be amazing. Nothing can prepare you for how you feel about your child. Nothing is comparable.

[BonnieBumble]

Emmyloo you are not alone but for me the first 12 months were relatively easy. The situation that you describe starts at 12 months and ends at 2.6 for me. During the older baby/toddler period I spend a lot of time crying and completely lose my sense of self.

I can remember when my eldest turned 1 all my antenatal friends said that they felt were coming out of the darkness whereas I felt I was leaving the euphoria and excitement of the first 12 months and heading into the darkness.

[reallypissedoffhouseseller]

emmyloo, I feel so like that that we're definitely not having any more! DH would like to, but it's me who'd have to go through the breastfeeding and sleep deprivation again and I just can't bear it - I am actually scared that I'd go over the edge next time, and DH and DS need me so I can't risk it.

[mmmerangue]

Happynappies - You do ask an interesting question. I have a very helpful mother and mother in law who offered advice at every turn - as we are their offspring, my partner and I are at a mid-way between the two parenting styles...

But I often prefer mumsnet or the Health visitor for advice because I think it is easier to ask someone who you don't know, as their advice is impartial. I have of course relied on Mum and MIL too at some points, and on the mums at baby& toddlers, and on other random forums, books, TV... I take it all in and pick what seems to suit my son.

It may be that the new mothers are taking in what you say but just don't have the wherewithal to thank you for it at the moment :) I'm sure your continued 'being there if they need you' is a comfort!

[mermaid101]

Emmyloo

I have found reading your message very reassuring because I feel exactly the same as you do - right down to the bath/bed thing. It's just such a bind and even if you're feeling terrible, youcan't just lie down and watch TV: there's always something do be done!
My DH is the same as yours and is already talking about trying for another and my DD is only 7 months old. I really don't think i can do this again though.
It's good to hear that at 18m, you feel things are more manageable. What age was your DS when you started to feel that change?

[whitewhitewine]

Lack of sleep. I have twins who have never been good sleepers and the sleep deprivation was pure torture, along with colic. Also feeling like every day is Groundhog day.

I would very much agree with the posters who advise getting out as much as you can- I would often just bundle mine into their pram and go for a walk to get some fresh air and kill some time! It does help to try and make some friends with people who babies a similar age or go to a playgroup if you find one you like.

[Jdub]

Our first born was a total sleep dodger and perpetual feeder. Add to this our house was being knocked down and rebuilt around us (by us primarily!) - the Building Inspector raised an eyebrow as he said 'So you are still living here??' At one point, there was no roof, just tarpaulin, and no front door, just a panel nailed shut at night. There a drop of about 3ft to get the pram down before the steps to the front door were completed, and we had no kitchen for 9 months - just a microwave and a camping gas ring. I have to confess it was the sleep deprivation that compounded the whole situation and that lasted until he as about 2! It was HARD HARD work, but didn't put us off having a second baby (eventually - once the building work was completed!)