What did you struggle with most when you had your first baby?

[GummyBearGrandad]

My niece recently gave birth to her first baby and was complaining that no-one told her about the really difficult stuff of being a first-time mum. Such as colic, teething, reflux etc. I'm trying to get her to join Mumsnet as I think she'll benefit from the support so I want to link this thread to her (and it's also why I've changed my posting name so she will recognise it instantly).

So, be honest and tell me what you found most difficult with your first baby and what advice you would give to others.

For me, it was the colic and breastfeeding. I felt under quite a lot of pressure to keep going with the breastfeeding even though it bloody hurt and I got mastitis. I also remember the sleepless nights just walking up and down with her screaming over my shoulder and feeling so very shite, frustrated, angry and helpless. Then feeling guilty that I couldn't stop her from crying.

[MarySA]

I found the colic very hard to deal with as DD had it a lot. Not so much DS. And also baths in that first few weeks. DD was quite tiny (to me anyway) 6lbs 4 ozs. How on earth could I hold a baby hold the soap. wash the baby , and then dry with only two hands. Sheer impossibility!

[TooImmatureTurtleDoves]

The Night Dreads...the knowledge that you are not going to get to sleep much at all - maybe an hour here or there - when you are already so tired you cry at nothing. That and the loneliness in the middle of the night. I don't know about the rest of you, but DH was useless at getting up and acted like I was personally torturing him and he couldn't be expected to function on so little sleep . This was before he went back to work, as well. It was easier to stop waking him and do it myself. Mind you, DD is nearly 7 weeks now and has been sleeping 4 or 5 hours a night for the last week. It's not forever!

My confidence was also really knocked by DD losing 12% of her birth weight by Day 5 - I had to start doing 3 hourly feeding, expressing and topping up with a syringe and it was hell. Being able to stop doing that when she chubbed up a bit was bliss.

[ReallyTired]

Losing a very good career was (and is!) the hardest thing.

I also tried to be super woman and I had horrenous postnatal anxiety.

[WellHello]

Just the other day I was telling my mum how Ive only been able to really enjoy dd for the past few months, she is almost 9m.
The first 3m were so hard. I spent most of it crying, sleep deprivation is just awful. I was very ill and the breastfeeding was relentless and so difficult. I can remember wishing her life away to when she could sit up/crawl and was bottle-feeding, and responsive and fun :(
Totally agree with everyone re the loss of independence. Wanting a nap and having to plan for it! It is such a huge shock in so many ways... but of course, so very rewarding and wonderful as they grow and learn.
Even after all Ive just said, I would definately have another (but not yet!)

[schroedingersdodo]

To me the most difficult thing was to understand that I was responsible for someone. Not only that, I was the ADULT, responsible for a CHILD. So now I couldn't feel crap, I couldn't freak out when things didn't go my way, I had to stop everything I was doing - immediately - when the baby needed me. Several times a day. I had to be the mature one, 24/7 (sounds obvious, but it's not easy)

Then I figured out that I had to remain CALM and centered all the time, and if I did that the baby would be calm too. DS is 2 now, and basically when he gets cranky and annoying is because I'm not very well. If I manage to keep my cool everything falls into place.

I do a lot of breathing, use CBT type-techniques, speak in a low voice... Everything that helps me keep calm.

[schroedingersdodo]

And of course, the most important thing of all. YOU ARE THE EXPERT. No one knows your baby better than you. Not the books, not the expert, not the health visitor. Listen to them, but remember the last word is yours.

Every baby is different, every mother is different, and every combination of mum and baby is unique. What works for the others may not work for you. I think mums have to learn to trust themselves. I see so many women who can't trust their own instincts... If your instincts tell you that something is wrong, then it's wrong for you.

[somewherewest]

Sleep deprivation (and DS isn't even a bad sleeper) and breastfeeding, which of course didn't exactly help with the sleep. Luckily DH is very supportive and does as much night settling as he can.

[happynappies]

This thread has got me thinking - although I can now look back and see that you get through it, things get better, and life returns to a new kind of normal, all my attempts to support friends having babies for the first time haven't exactly been great. People say that nobody talks about the reality of breastfeeding, or childbirth, or the impact on your life afterwards. Having breasted for the last 5.5 years pretty constantly, tandem feeding etc and feeding through three pregnancies, I've tried to let friends know without being pushy that if they want to know any tips or have any help, I'm more than willing to talk them through anything, or go with them to support groups, or just sit and have a cuppa and listen. Nobody ever does, and some weeks later I usually hear that it didn't work out - but how can you be supportive and give advice without sounding judgmental or too pushy? A friend has just had a baby literally last week, and through the pregnancy I tried to say, "I'm here if you need anything" but got the distinct impression she wanted to do things her way, and she didn't ask anything all along the way. I also got the impression from her partner that he didn't want her 'scared by horror stories' about childbirth - not that I'd do that, but I think he wanted to avoid any talk whatsoever about what was to come. I know hear she's had quite a difficult time, and she's still in hospital. I've sent texts, FB messages and a card with lots of friendly, supportive stuff, but I get the impression that everything is fine. Is it just me or does everyone who has a baby want to find out everything for themselves rather than ask people who've been there, and when baby arrives they don't want to admit when things are difficult and carry on another facade that all is rosy. I don't mean to sound bitter - I'm probably too sensitive and just expect everyone to feel like me, like I'd like to have as much information as possible, that I don't mind hearing everyone's advice because at least some of it might be helpful, and I feel loads better for sharing my moans about the hard times as well as celebrating good times. Its not just the breastfeeding thing, which I know is a particularly emotive issue and laiden with expectations and sensitivities - its general stuff about childbirth and the coping afterwards. I know I'm preaching to the converted here, because people come to Mumsnet precisely because they do want advice/help/support and from as many people as possible. I wonder how many people find it hard to strike the balance between letting people know what motherhood is really like, and being thought of as harbingers of doom, spoiling the lovely fluffy image of having a perfect baby? I think it is one of the hardest things in the world to adapt to, and wish all new Mums lots of luck as they try to adapt to such a huge life change.

[Columbia999]

Colic.
Stupid, selfish, jealous husband who was convinced that the baby was crying on purpose to make him crash his motorbike through tiredness; even though he never got up to him, apart from to follow me to the living room shouting that he'd woken him up AGAIN. (I ditched him a year later)
Having had two fibroadenoma removed previously from left breast, which seemed to have mucked up the milk ducts, so I had one boob like a melon and one like a tennis ball
The endless crying when I'd done everything I could, and aforementioned idiot husband demanding to know why I didn't know what was the matter.

[naughtymummy]

Someone else said the wreck of my body, awful and totally shocking. I quite enjoyed being pregnant.

[kdiddy]

The fact that BF could be so difficult, that the baby just might not latch on at all, that in spite of the whole breast is best message from midwives, doctors etc. there's often very little or no real practical support when you are struggling and need it most. In hindsight the guilt i felt at eventually choosing to FF is ridiculous, but at the time I felt I'd let my son down almost as soon as he was born.

That most of what midwives and health visitors tell you is their opinion, not well researched fact, so take what they say with that in mind, do your own research and apply what's right for your baby. Obviously there are some things that are demonstrably better e.g. Sleeping on back, but even then I have friends with babies with severe reflux who could only ever sleep on their front.

Best advice I had - do whatever works.

The soul-destroying awful hell of the hormone crash in the days and weeks after birth. I hate the term 'baby blues'; it sounds so cutesy and innocent. I wasn't prepared for feeling like my world had caved in, and that i didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like I was losing my mind, resented my son and felt we'd made a terrible mistake. Which then makes you feel guilty for having those thoughts in the first place. All fine now, but I genuinely think you cant be held responsible for anything you think during

[BellaCB]

Boredom. The mind-numbing, repetitive tedium of washing, sterilising, making bottles, changing nappies, rocking to sleep, feeding... as someone mentioned before, its Groundhog Day on a 3-hour cycle. And not realising at first that it really is ok to be bored during the first few months. Babies don't do much. Even the excitement when they smile and laugh and 'talk' to you only lasts a few minutes, and then you're changing a nappy. Again.

Losing my identity. DD is 3mo and I still kind of hate the fact that I am no longer me anymore. I think it can take a very, very long time to adjust to that, and nothing prepares you.

And getting other people to understand how you feel. DP is great and supportive, he's hardly been out socialising since DD was born either, he works all the time - but he can't understand that I am sickeningly jealous of the fact that he can eat lunch when he wants (and what he wants, not just what can be eaten one-handed/in 3 minutes) and his 30 min train journey to and from work. A childless, thinking of ttc friend spent the day with me the other week and was gobsmacked by the end of it. She just stared at me and said, is this really what you do all day, every day? Yep.

[LillianGish]

Happynappies I think it is difficult to give advice to anyone before they have a baby. Nothing can prepare you - it is quite unimaginable until it actually happens and it depends on you and on what sort of birth and what sort of baby you have. Everyone is different - lots of people on here are moaning about the grinding routine, I quite like routine so I rather welcomed that aspect, I was also happy to stop work and embrace domesticity for a bit. I found the tiredness crippling - I didn't have any family nearby - but someone who has a sympathetic mum or mil on hand to give them a break every now and then might cope much better. I think a mum who is going back to work ft three months after giving birth will have different challenges to one who has nothing to rush back for (but might be bored with nothing but a baby for company). How can you be supportive and give advice without sounding judgmental or too pushy? I think the truth is it is quite hard. People have to find out for themselves.

[Windandsand]

realising it was OUR baby and we could look after ds as we wanted, you get given lots of advice, but as the midwife eventually said ,you don't actually have to follow it. took me a while to work that one out. "that;s a good idea" i said and totally ignored any advice which just felt wrong.

also, there is a first time for everything, and being stood over by a well meaning mil/ friend/ mum won;t make it easier to bathe or change your baby:) especially when they shove you out of the way for "dithering" time alone with baby, dh and me worked for us, (finally!)

[BonnieBumble]

It was bfeeding. Once I switched to formula I didn't actually find it that hard. The hardest part for me is from 1 - 2.5 years. I find it hard not being able to do a simple task like empty the dishwasher or go to the loo without it turning into a battle.

What kept me sane was getting out and about. I went to as many mother and toddler groups as possible, I wasn't bothered about cliques, as long as I could get 5 minutes with a cup of coffee whilst my child played with the toys I was happy.

[MadameChinLegs]

Yy to the boredom. God, babies are dull. Even at 18 weeks, and with her trying to learn new things, I pray for a bit of excitement to break up the monotony. I find myself popping out to get that never used, out of date essential vanilla extract, not knowing what for, just for something to do.

I dont mind an hour lolling around on the floor with DD, but cant do anymore than that in one go. Sometimes I whistfully look back to the first few weeks when all she did was slepp and think oooooh, I could have read loads of books then; watched loads of films; lolled in bed all day. Not that I felt I could at the time.

I also agree on the "advice" front too. I could have had a million people try and prepare me and it wouldnt have made much difference. I only feel prepared for it now, after the fact.

[schroedingersdodo]

Happynappies that's a hard question. I think it's useful to hear about the difficulties of the others, but I used to be very angry at the doom-sayers who insisted I was going to have trouble with this and hate that. Just because they hated something or felt unhappy, it didn't mean I was going to.

And I enjoyed things other mums hated, and hated things other mums loved. I find a breeze some things other women struggle with, and vice versa. It's all about getting to know ourselves as mums and knowing how it works for us. Things are not equally hard for everyone.

And in some cases, ignorance is bliss. If someone had told me I would be woken up a few times a night, every night, for two years, I would have killed myself. But hey, here I am, sleeping badly for two years, and I survived. It feels less bad when we look back.

Re BF it's hard to know how much people really want to bf, and how much they think they "should." So it's hard to know when to step back. I'm very pro BF (still BF DS!) but I think feeling guilty for switching to formula isn't good for anyone. I once told a friend that "a depressed and stressed mum is much worse than formula." I don't know if it was the right thing to say, but I said it with the best intention...

[NeedToSleepZZZ]

happynappies, you raise a really pertinent question; should we 'warn' , for want of a better word, expectant parents about the realities of those first few months?

A close friend of mine is pregnant with her first dc and I've tried to strike that line between being honest without scaring her. I hope that by doing this she feels she can confide in me if she should need to when the baby arrives. I really felt alone with it and was so ashamed of not feeling the 'rush of love' I expected to feel. The first time another mum admitted she felt the same was a huge relief!

[HappyJustToBe]

I struggled most with everyone else's opinions. People think that as soon as you have a baby they can dissect your choices constantly. I have a real chip on my shoulder especially with my DH's auntie who told me I was selfish to breastfeed because it meant DH couldn't help me. She obviously failed to see that he did everything whilst he was on paternity leave and then almost everything up until now!

[ipanicked]

The constant anxiety and guilt about what I thought I was doing wrong and therefore I was going to scar my DC for life.

The waking every hour to feed to sleep for a year.

The struggling for months to feed a tongue tied colicky baby and the excruciating agony of bf before the problems were resolved.

But happily almost 3 years later I realise that if you can get through that first year and you are both alive that's a massive reason for celebration and it's been absolutely lovely since! (tantrums are a doddle in comparison!)

[ChunkyMonkeyMother]

Dont be afraid to ask for help - if somebody comes to visit give them the baby and get a shower or Hoover or do thos few dishes, I know a few of my family members used to come and follow me round with my DS whilst we chatted and I got stuff done!

And don't be afraid to go to sleep when they do! Best thing I ever did! When my DS was about 8 weeks old he would get up at 7 am and go back to bed at 9 for 2 hours like clock work, I would have a nap for the first hour then do some dishes or washing or make the phone calls I needed to then jump n the shower if I had time - also don't spect to be able to shower and do make up every day, you ge a shower at every opportunity because tomorrow they might nt nap or that call might take longer than you thought! When you get ready to go out one way I found to make it quicker was already having everything ready - so both your clothes ready, the changing bag ready and all the other bits and pieces done - takes the edge off the rush

[sheeplikessleep]

That there is no distinction between day and night in the first few weeks. It felt pointless to me to even get into my jim jams, as I knew I'd be up in an hour or so. That dread going to bed at 9pm or 10pm or whatever, shattered, thinking I'll be up again in an hour.

The breastfeeding and how much it hurt.

Colic and reflux. That DS1 screamed 5pm - 1am every night and for the glimpses where he did fall asleep (upright), he woke up a minute or two later screaming again. The powerless that I couldn't help him get to sleep, when nappy changes / feeding / cuddling / winding didn't work.

Your life turns upside down totally and utterly. But it gets easier.

[trixymalixy]

The lack of sleep. The utter relentlessness of it all.

[sheeplikessleep]

As a newborn, DS2 was a breeze! Fed, cuddled, slept. They are all so different.

[MakesCakesWhenStressed]

Emotional fall out from the birth and post natal care. Still struggling now 3 months on. Though the mastitis was also a big low point.