What did you struggle with most when you had your first baby?

[GummyBearGrandad]

My niece recently gave birth to her first baby and was complaining that no-one told her about the really difficult stuff of being a first-time mum. Such as colic, teething, reflux etc. I'm trying to get her to join Mumsnet as I think she'll benefit from the support so I want to link this thread to her (and it's also why I've changed my posting name so she will recognise it instantly).

So, be honest and tell me what you found most difficult with your first baby and what advice you would give to others.

For me, it was the colic and breastfeeding. I felt under quite a lot of pressure to keep going with the breastfeeding even though it bloody hurt and I got mastitis. I also remember the sleepless nights just walking up and down with her screaming over my shoulder and feeling so very shite, frustrated, angry and helpless. Then feeling guilty that I couldn't stop her from crying.

Definitely the loss of freedom and not being able to do thing spontaneously...like nip down to the shop or to the post box which would have only taken me 5 minutes before, but was now a military operation.

Oh, and the sleep deprivation and what giving birth actually does to your body. I was not prepared for that!

I did have problems with breastfeeding, and I was doing it right and it still hurt (sometimes still does and DS is 18 months now ). But one day it all just became very natural and I don't even know when!

Loneliness. Dh never understood that as he has loads of friends. I have one. I see her once a month maybe? Because I live in the middle of nowhere I can't go to any groups as getting anywhere is impossible in the morning (two dcs in nursery now so bump probably won't go anywhere). It's terribly lonely. But mn makes ur slightly better.

The loss of identity, the crippling self doubt and the bone-crushing tiredness.

The books just don't mention that you are no longer you are MUM.
I think I started to get a bit of 'me' back when dd1 was about six months old. I thought I'd still be the same person and that the baby would just slot into my life, I had absolutely no idea how much she would takeover. I struggled at first but found it much easier to cope once I just gave into it. Now I have dd2 and I don't know who I'd be without my girls, but I still grieve sometimes for the person I once was. She's coming back slowly, just with a dodgier haircut, mum jeans and yoghurt kisses on her clothes

I can look back and laugh now but I thought I'd know what to do because I'd read plenty of books! Ha! And even when you know what to do really you are possessed with just so much self doubt that you agonise over the tiniest little decision. I found I still do this with DC2, albeit less so.

And the tiredness! You will now understand why sleepdeprivation is used as a form of torture. When you have a bad night pre kids at least you know at some point you can have a nap or early night to catch up. But when you know there is absolutely no chance of this in the next five years or so, it really can be enough to make you want to cry.

Breastfeeding - nothing prepared me for how difficult it would be, but we got there in the end. I just expected it to come naturally.

Getting out of the house - I used to be thrown into a spin by the prospect of visitors arriving before midday. Now having to get out of the house, toddlers and baby dressed and get to the school gate by 8.40 am puts things in perspective, but at the time I would get caught up in a cycle of feeding and nappy changes and would be incapable of leaving the house.

The fact that nothing stays the same for long. Just as you've mastered one problem/issue/crisis, things go and change and you're back to square one again. I can't believe how quickly they grow, you move onto the next stage and forget about what went before.

Reflux. When ds had this it nearly pushed me over the edge. Definite contributing factor to my pnd. So difficult to deal with when completely unprepared and knew nothing about it.

Post-pregnancy body - I couldn't believe how bad I felt, physically couldn't walk because of SPD-related stuff exacerbated during the birth. Trying to care for a newborn whilst on crutches was difficult, hobbling around for months afterwards, stitches, all the unmentionable stuff that happens after the birth, totally unprepared for it!!

Losing touch with so many friends, gradually at first but a very definite change in my priorities (and capabilities!) meant that old friendships fizzled out, some quietly, some with a bang, but lots of new friends who were a whole lot more understanding of my new life, and lots of old friends who understood perfectly!

Change in identity - from the minute I went on maternity leave I was no longer defined by my job, and from then onwards my confidence has been affected and I've struggled to come to terms with my new role. Still work, but part-time presents its own particular challenges, and the feeling every day that my brain might have turned to mush and I just deal with nappies on a 24/7 basis - whereas dh's life is relatively normal in comparison!!

The ups and downs - and the speed of them. Forget taking each day as it comes. Sometimes you have to take each hour as it comes, or even a few minutes at a time. You can have a wonderful moment where it all comes together and you feel on top of the world, or you can be standing in the centre of a 'crisis' sobbing, and half an hour later it is all forgotten about as you move onto the next thing.

I think thats about it!!

I think the freedom, independence and just not feeling part of society anymore. Not being able to just sit and read a book, do things when I want to and do things for just me. The bordom!

I had a terrible labour, bad emergency csection, I couldn't get out much at all and felt so lonely. DP and friends at work all day, no local family around. Spent days in the park, but how depressing and boring that is sometimes.

BF was also a real struggle and looking back I didn't get any support at all. I had no confidence to just get on with it. My milk didn't come through for two weeks. Everything was so different when I had my DD two years later, by that time I had made lots of mummy friends, I could BF, was used to surviving on little sleep, things were brighter.

The stuff that really got me offguard was the labour stuff - I think less 14 y-os would be getting pregnant if they knew about afterbirth, being torn open by your DC's head (and resulting stiches), mycolneum, etc... and indeed mastitis, and the rank bit of belly button that has to fall off, colic and the other bits you mention! (I guess OP your niece has dealt with all of this already...)

The absolute deadly tiredness and soreness in the first few weeks was the worst for me. I got an infection and felt like crap for about 4 weeks (the whole time DP had off). I was just about recovered when he went back to work. Then I had to get out and visit people as much as possible although still a bit sore, just to make the days go by and to get DS to sleep in his pram (ahhh sweet peace!)

But that all passes so quickly :) They learn to smile or sit up and you feel like the queen of everything - 'I, yes I created something that can sit up all on its own!' I had in fact forgotten all about belly button weirdness till yesterday when a friend from uni mentioned her newborns' smelly stub coming off! My broodyness cured for another few months haha!

Not been able to go out for the evening with my husband whenever the mood took us.

Dealing with a disabled child.

I had a straightforward pregnancy, all scans etc - everyone expects to end up with a healthy baby. Not everyone does.

On top of dealing with all the usual new baby stuff you are dealing with numerous hospital appointments plus your emotions.

TBH I found the baby care side of it very easy - I had no experince of babies, hadn't changed a nappy before. I suspect because I didn't have the head space to worry about the 'small' stuff.

I was super prepared for DD which helped immeasurably at a very stressful time. No needing to go out and buy x or y. Had a fully stocked freezer, at least 50 loo rolls!, plenty of baby clothes, steriliser etc

Breastfeeding and sleeplessness. And PND. And reflux. And not having any help. Yeah... those things.

What everyone else has said about the unpreparedness of it all and how it consumes and takes over your life. Looking back I probably had PND, but I wider at how most people DON't when faces with a total loss of normality, life, freedom and sleep!

the hardest bit was how easy everyone else made it all look. Even now when a friend has their first baby and doesn't appear to struggle half as much as I did in the early days I feel embarrassed at how crap I was at coping. I had always been the one who was 'great with kids' too, so it was a double shock to realise I wasn't with my own' and how resentful I felt about that.

luckily it all worked out just fine though, I adore my firstborn now, and we even have a second! MUCH, much easier second time around!

OP - What a lovely thoughtful thing for you to do for your niece. I wish I'd had MN as a first time mother.

It all knocked me sideways, as others have said, the relentlessness of it. No escape. I felt angry and resentful, and 8 years on, if I'm honest, still do. To get to age 36 and not know! The silence of the sisterhood. I think people don't want to scare new mothers so keep quiet but I would much rather have known. It is hard to explain and it is different for everyone but reading threads on MN over the years makes you realise you're not alone. I really hope your niece registers, it can be such a lifeline.

What helped? Giving in to it, relaxing in to it, realising that as you sit there cuddling or feeding for the zillionth hour and your mind races with other things you "should" be doing that you can't do them, they will have to wait.

Get a Kindle, get an interest that you can learn about/do whilst you while away those endless hours sitting on your bum!

A wise friend said to me that when they are little the minutes drag but the years fly by. So true.

Thanks for this thread I feel so much better reading it. Hard stuff

-feeling like a fat frump

• lack of sleep
• boredom
• loneliness
• worrying "I'm I doing this right/damaging her forever
• constantly doing stuff for others, no time to just stop
• friends have disappeared I'm the only one with a child and they all seem to think children and dolls are the same thing

But, I am her favourite person ever and its great having a Sunday morning family cuddle in bed

Forgot about the fatness, that's crap too.
First six months/year for me boiled into one big pot of mind-numbing tedium, and I don't even think I had PND, just assumed that was normal!
Thankfully I had work to take my mind of it, and of course they are worth it in the end. Just.

Not realising that breastfed babies won't take a bottle (even of expressed milk) unless you introduce it during the first few weeks and keep it in place! Very restricting in terms of getting out for mums of exclusively breast fed babies - and it is really important to be able to get out for the odd evening...or even out of the house for a few hours to spend some time on you own/away from the baby.

Breastfeeding! And feeling I would be letting my baby down if a drop of formula so much as passed her lips, due to pressure from MWs, NCT etc. I'm pregnant again, now, and I am mix-feeding the next one, that's for sure!

Suddenly no longer being me, and instead being permanently on duty for this tiny thing (who was so, so, so much smaller than I'd imagined) who would only sleep when held upright and screamed non-stop (silent reflux). I thought I'd never sleep again.

Two children and four years in - and I don't regret them for a second. I do still have flashes of longing for the old me but I wouldn't swap what I've got now. I also feel awe-struck at my naivety. How come I didn't have even the first clue of what it was going to be like? Why did no one tell me? Why, pre-birth, did I focus so exclusively on the labour?

GreyGardens, I didn't call it PND either, I just did not magically become 'a baby person' overnight. Babies are boring. Being stuck in the house all day with a poop-and-sick maker is boring. Even going out to the sort of places you can take said poop-and-sick maker is boring. Toddlers are much more fun!!

Hated breastfeeding - felt like I'd turned into a cow. Put up with it until went back to work. Would say to a new mum that lots of people have problems with breastfeeding, pain, not enough milk, not latching on so don't believe the people who tell you that everyone can do it if they get the technique right.

Lack of sleep. If your child sleeps well be very grateful.

Listen to advice but do what seems right to you.

Get used to not being able to do anything on the spur of the moment, but do keep a bag of essentials packed at all times to speed the process up.

I BF in the hospital but found it unbearable to sustain at home. I was in the hospital for a few days too. I switched to FF at home and don't even think about it now.

The main thing for me was an overwhelming feeling of being On Duty. At All Times. I even have a very supportive DH who will take DD out, do feeds, get up in the night etc etc. But for at least the first month, I almost felt I couldnt breathe as I didnt have room for that. If that makes sense. I used to ask "can I go in the bath?" DH would be ermm....why are you asking??
I would go to bed in the evening with the baby as I was exhausted but not be able to sleep incase DD woke and needed me (erm....you'd hear her wake, and newborns are very rarely awake).

Once I got to around 6 weeks, I felt a lot more free, and when taking time out actual felt the benefit of it.

In more recent weeks, DD is now 18 weeks, I have struggled through her being unwell twice while being poorly myself. That has been hard. When I have had flu in the past (pre baby) I could take myself off to bed for 24 hours and sleep it off. Well, helpful DH or not, its really not an option with a 4/5 month old. She has been whiney and fluey, needing to sleep but not being able to and I just sit there saying "mammy knows how you feel" as I feel exaclty the same.

So to sum up
*The overwhelming feeling of responsibility
*Both mum and baby being ill at the same time

0-3 months - the constant breastfeeding. I often barely had time to have a quick shower/eat a sandwich before DD was crying for another feed. BUT, I'm so glad I did bf. I've never worried about how many ounces of milk she's had and whether it's enough, not to mention never having to bother with washing up and sterilising all the bottles!

3-12 months - literally spending hours rocking/pushing DD to be rewarded with a 40 minute nap. Now she's almost 15 months and she still won't sleep unless bfed or pushed in the pram. But she will sleep for 90 mins.

First and foremost was the feeling I got every time I stood up after having given birth, that my innards were going to fall out. I felt like I had to keep my hands underneath me to hold it all in. That lasted a couple of days.

Breastfeeding was hard to establish because DS had a tonguetie - once that was snipped it got much easier - but those first two weeks were not only agonising but it took so long to feed him each time! (about 2 hours).

DS wasn't much of a napper in the day - too much going on! - so I had very little time to do anything except look after him. I actually enjoyed this but it meant lots of other stuff went by the wayside.

The Fear. I kept imagining myself falling downstairs with him, or dropping him, or other things like that. Oh, and poking him when he had been asleep for longer than normal because he was a silent breather and I was scared that he wasn't actually breathing.

Think that was mostly it...

Someone mentioned loss of identity, and I can completely relate to that. I had my son at 18 and none of my friends had children, I felt isolated, and lonely. My mum always told me the first few weeks were the worst, and buggering hell was she right. The monotony of it really got to me, the fact that I couldn't leave the house without a 15 minute preparatory exercise and checking I'd picked up everything I needed, only to get ten minutes up the road and realise I'd forgotten something anyway; drove me mental. I'd been preparing myself for this bundle to be handed to me for 9 months, yet I had this overwhelming realisation that I was responsible for this child and I didn't know how I was going to do it as soon as I met him.

I'm now... Well, quite a bit older ... and expecting my fourth child in October. I'm still absolutely bricking it.

Breastfeeding and the two hour awake slot between 3 and 5am.

In more general terms the shock and the inability to see ahead. It felt like she'd always be 3 weeks forever and I would never be able to sleep or do anything ever again for the rest of my days. The knowledge that 'This too shall pass' is actually true makes the same things with the second bearable imho.

Going back to work f/t.

How much it hurt to wee

And like others have said- how long it takes to just pop and buy milk!