The parenting standards we measure ourselves against - where do they come from?

[spacedonkey]

Sorry if this is an obscure question, but I'm interested to know where this "ideal" comes from that most, if not all, parents measure themselves against.

For me anyway, it doesn't come from my own parents, so where do these ideas come from?

And does it affect mothers more than fathers?

clops off philosophically

It's funny because in many ways I do have the apparently old-fashioned standards. If they hold down steady jobs and aren't mentally ill, suicidal, drug addicts, vindictive bastards or teenage parents my kids will be doing a darn sight better than many people I grew up with.

But, I know most people have higher standards for their offspring.

Maybe it just comes down to the media in our lives today, how much it permeates our lives. We are just plain more aware of how good parenting can be, and perhaps should be. So it's very easy to feel that you are failing your kids, in one or many ways.

it's an interesting question
I am [ahem] a relaxed parent. Slapdash, some might say. Some HAVE said in fact.
I think this is because I use my own mother as a "role model" - I pick out the good bits to follow and the bad bits to ignore. And I ignore pretty much everything else. I do pick and choose "tips" from other people (including people on here) but when I look around me and see the stresses, strains and the OUTPUT of modern parenting, and compare it to my mother's generation .... well it doesn't take a rocker scientist to realise that we are working ourselves into a lather for no good reason 99% of the time.

`I think my ideas on parenting come from myself, my children, my partner, my parents, my friends, my culture and my society.

rocket scientist

Let's face it, the pressures aren't that overwhelming, otherwise I wouldn't see crap parenting every day. Obese children, people hitting their small children around the head etc etc etc.

pressures shmessures. One woman's pressure is another woman's pleasure, I suspect.

does anyone here really live "in terror of social services"? Really? I don't think much has changed over the years - except possibly for the better. I think our mothering peers are LESS judgmental than eg in the 60s - because mothers have so many options about how to BE (working, at home, married, cohabiting, single, whatever). I don't think people are really judged so much on outward appearances as they were (do her children have neatly brushed hair, is she in a mixed race relationship) and you are not a scandal-ridden family if something goes wrong (22yr old daughter with child out of wedlock horror).

What I do think is more difficult is to not get blindsided by modern life TOO much when parenting - it is more difficult to feed your children healthily when you are bombarded with crap aimed at children in supermarkets (and schools for goodness sake), it is more difficult to get your children outside and running around in a healthy fashion when your school pitches have been sold off and there are so many options (tv, internet, computer games, etc etc) to keep them static inside,etc etc etc. With children often the basic things are best.

this reminds me of a conversation I had the other day with a lovely friend of mine
she is a great mother and has two lovely children
she owuld like another but is reluctant because she feels "she can't help them with their homework enough" - she hasn't got the time or (she thinks) the wherewithal to help three children, and feels like she is failing the two she has.
I thought that was very sad. She is a great mother but feels inadequate - because she is measuring herself against some mythical standard.

do you think that is really the reason harpsi? or do you think there is something else behind it? Its just that I don't know anyone who is actually broody who would be stopped by something like that.... if she really means it it is really sad...

yes she really means it pph
it doesn't help that she hangs around with a group of women who are better educated than she is and that her husband is worse than useless...
she stresses all the time about educational achievement and over every piece of homework
parents' evenings send her into a flat spin
my mother NEVER came to a parents' evening
thank the lord

Harpsichordcarrier......rocker scientist..

poor thing...

[creeps in} terribly sorry ladies [creeps off again]

oh sd didn't realise that this was your thread....could have clomped on in my DMs (if i had any)

Harpsi's friend... I don't think she sounds that "sad" at all. I find myself failing at least 2 of my children because of having 3 children, it happens all the time. All sorts of things I can't do because I have 3... can't take the toddler to M+Tots groups because the 4yo is unwelcome. Can't take the 4yo to dance because the toddler would scream the place down and 4yo is shy, wants me to hold her hand thru the whole lesson. 6yo wants me to stay with him at school disco but can't because 4yo is freaked out by the atmosphere & toddler tries to run off. Can't do homework with 6yo until DH gets home which means we are always doing homework late when 6yo is tired, and 6yo can't go to any activities between 6-7:30pm. It can be a nightmare having 3...

Message withdrawn

I think you have to watch/take advice from people you respect and try to operate according to your personality. Something might be fine, but if it doesn't suit you or the way you do things, it won't be right. There is more than one way of being a good parent. There is also a lot of pressure and not much support from society sometimes. I will have to watch "Child of Our Time" when I'm feeling strong because it is all about the effect siblings have on a child and my dd hasn't got any !! If they say such a situation is a disaster I will just have to take it with a pinch of salt and carry on doing the best I can !! There are so many theories, you just have to take what you can use well and leave the rest.