My way Vs Naughty Step

[Lasvegas]

DD aged 3 hit/pinched me in aggressive way because she didn't want to go to bed. In her defence it was a one off and she was frustrated because she doesn't see enough of me Mon -Fri.

DP and my mum advocated naughty step instead of my method below. BUT neither of them work full time, have awful commutes and look after a child alone. What use is naughty step when I am already late for work or if DD is late for bed?? But now am concerned that my way of making DD behave better is not the best way.

When she is upset she says go away Mummy - so I do - I go into a different room for 2 minutes, then go back and see if she has calmed down. In addition the other day I told her is she carried on being naughty ie hitting me I would go away for good and live in in a different house with her step brothers and not come back.

My mother thought this was an awful thing to say to DD who will be emotianlly scarred for life. What do you think? What do you do in similar situations?

Totally agree with thecattleare..whatever-ing! - punishment is not the issue; finding some quality time with her is.

Can you find 20 minutes to sit and play quietly/read with your daughter before bathtime - her behaviour sounds like she's really craving your attention.

It is a horrible thing to say to a 3 year old, and I hope you have reassured her that you didn't mean it.

It isn't her fault she doesn't see enough of you Monday to Friday. I agree with Aloha, make sure she gets enough attention before you even start thinking about discipline.

I am no advocate of smacking, but I do think a smack would have been kinder than that cruel comment. I was smacked frequently as a child, and barely remember it, but I recall with great clarity my mother threatening to put me in a home because she 'didn't like me any more'.

agree totally with aloha

Love aloha's post.

Aloha and Colditz reflect my views on this one!

A mixture of extreme horror that you said that to a vulnerable and upset three year old, mixed with concern about the stress you are under that has led to you making the comment.

I very much hope that you can find a solution to resolve your stress before you do scar your little child for live, which if you continue as you are doing will surely follow!

yes, tis me, Aloha! ooh, having a lovely glass of wine right now. THis parenting lark can be incredibly stressful and I think it must be far harder if you are a single parent, which is why I don't want to be too harsh.

Charliethered nose - yes I follow her request and leave the room if she says go away. Reason being she should have some control of her life. How awful to want some time alone and you cannot have it. After a while (2 minutes or so) she says come back mummy. Then we agree that we will be nice to each other and have a hug.

Flamerobbin - my sympathys, sounds awful.

Followthe star - like your removal of sweets easy to follow through on. Will use this from now on.

thecattle - thanks for your concern a few months ago loads of people tried to give me practical suggestions on childcare. I know what I need but I cannot find anyone to take DD and collect her from nursery.

Mercy - I now bath alternate nights only so we have more quality time together. But on bath nights we have 15 minutes playing together. If she goes to bed late she is worse in the morning. I have to make her get up at 7.30am and she is still exhausted, if she had less than 12 hours sleep it would be worse.

Juule - many thanks for your post. DD is v v well behaved normally. We have had no au pair for 3 weeks so she is getting less attention and at nursery for longer hours than before. I do realise she wants more quality time with me and I am trying desperately to find a mothers help - but no luck so far.

Thank you all, very helpful to get other peoples views. I will obviously not make an empty threat again which may make DD insecure. Want to say that it was a one off threat my usual threat.

If anyone else has any thoughts please keep them coming, especially if you know of a mothers help. An agency has just suggested that I pay someone £26 to take DD to nursery each day. I only need childcare for 30 minutes but the minimum hours they will work are 3 hours.

I don't think it is advisable to say such a thing to your dd i.e. : "I told her if she carried on being naughty ie hitting me I would go away for good and live in in a different house with her step brothers and not come back"

...but I am not judgeing you because I have said a similar thing before when driven nuts by dd...

Obviously a few of the mums on this thread have never ever said anything even slightly remiss to their children. I think you've remained remarkly composed lasvegas not to be provoked by some of this....

However, really glad you've got some constructive suggestions for taking things forward from this thread

Oh scrub the last post everyone - I am feeling balshy and irritable today

Lasvegas - do either your partner or your mother live near enough to help out, even if only occasionally?

Or - contact a local college where the run the NNEB (?) Nusery Nurse course - they are often looking for placements for their students with mums of young children. It costs you nothing. I know someone who got a 'mothers help' this way

how far away is nursery? can you put up an advert for someone there who might be able to take her? or share drop-offs? or is nursery part of a local school, in which case there might be other parents who could do it for a small fee.

can you get up earlier? and just have a bit more time?

most of us have probably said mean things to our children in this sort of situation. i have 3 under 6 to get out of the house and when i do it without DP I am pretty ruthless. if i wasn't we just would never get to school/nursery/work on time.

handlemecarefully agree it is amazing how so many other mums seem like Mary Poppins. Maybe they are on performance enhancing drugs taken with a spoon full of sugar!

LasVegas - I know you are in a v difficult situation re childcare and work, as I remember your posts about it, and know that you are in a tight spot.

I do think that when your time with a child is subject to so many other pressures it is important to find a very positive way of negotiating. DS used to be very demanding when I came home, sometimes, and also, I think, angry with me. I used to make sure that the first 10 mins were spent focussing entirely on him - didn't answer the phone, chat to nanny, start his supper, anything, untilI sensed that he was relaxed.
I have also never instigated a punsiment system with DS. If he has hit me (he did a few times when younger) I just put him a little away from me and ignored him - did something else, for a few moments. When we have wanted to improve some beahviour, we have worked entirely from star charts - 'credits' recorded only - and we have NEVER had to withold a star. But the charts have been v specific - one aspect of behaviour only, not a general instruction to 'be good'.

I have shouted a couple of times, and said some things i shouldn't - but have thenm always said I was sorry, shouldn't have said a patricular thing, but explained why I was cross.

£26 to an an agency is a lot of money...local student training to be a nursery worker or nanny? Local Mum who would like a few £'s?

I am sure I have said things that are nasty, sometimes I have zero patience at the end of the day and feel very mean at rushing them along. But life is like that sometimes, nobody is perfect.

I work 3 days and am in at 5, so have 2 hours with my girls then, more than most, but not enough iyswim. I try and make this a fun time and turn a blind eye to things that, on days I am at home, I would pull them up on.

Did you do a thread a while back? Your name/problem seems familiar?

Definitely put up an ad at nursery and at the local colleges

Sorry to hear you are finding things tough LasVegas. I'm pretty sure everyone on here knows that I find things very difficult with my children sometimes and a couple of weeks ago under extreme stress, I told them I was leaving and I went and stood outside the front door. I came back in and my dd carried on being naughty and I said I was phoning the police. I pretended to ring and the others all got really upset. I apologised and told them I didn't mean it and we sorted things out, but I felt hideously guilty afterwards.

I'm sure lots of people will be horrified by what I did, but it's hard and I find myself floundering and doing all sorts of things I wouldn't really want to do in desperation. I do sympathise with you and just wanted you to know you're not the only one.

blustocking and comeallyefaithful - thanks. Yes things were bad a few months ago, then we got an au pair which was great as she did nursery run. I got to spend 20 minutes extra each evening with DD. But now without AP again. blustocking hit nail on head. DD is angry at me and shows it when I go to collect her from Nursery -she refuses to put on coat / get in buggy. The nursery staff and other mums try to help, the staff say she changes totally when I get there! I would like to sit down and spend time with her but we have to leave the nursery as it is closing. I cannot carry her& push buggy on a 10 min walk home - she is 2 stone plus.

Had advert at local college for 3 weeks now. Think I may ask local schools if they will put up notice in staff room a cleaner or dinner lady may be able to fit the drop offs/ collections into their days. I don't need a nanny just someone kind who has raised their own kids.

What do you think to putting up notices on trees in similar to have you seen lost cat? There must be a retired lady out who would like spend time with a little girl and earn some money.

blustocking and comeallyefaithful - thanks. Yes things were bad a few months ago, then we got an au pair which was great as she did nursery run. I got to spend 20 minutes extra each evening with DD. But now without AP again. blustocking hit nail on head. DD is angry at me and shows it when I go to collect her from Nursery -she refuses to put on coat / get in buggy. The nursery staff and other mums try to help, the staff say she changes totally when I get there! I would like to sit down and spend time with her but we have to leave the nursery as it is closing. I cannot carry her& push buggy on a 10 min walk home - she is 2 stone plus.

Had advert at local college for 3 weeks now. Think I may ask local schools if they will put up notice in staff room a cleaner or dinner lady may be able to fit the drop offs/ collections into their days. I don't need a nanny just someone kind who has raised their own kids.

What do you think to putting up notices on trees in similar to have you seen lost cat? There must be a retired lady out who would like spend time with a little girl and earn some money.

Rickman - thanks for making me feel better.

Is it even remotely possible to reduce the no. of hours dd is at nursery and try to find a childminder? Your local council should have a list.

Mercy - I used to have a childminder. But it didn't work out to the extent that social services have closed childminder down and are investigating. Thanks for you help though.

How was last night LV?

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Olive thanks for asking. Basically I didn't bath her again (2 nights without) and we spent time watching TV and having a cuddle and we were much happier.

I feel very guilty that I was so awful to her. She is such a lovely child and v well behaved. Maybe because she has so few strops I haven't had to get used to coping strategies. But maybe I am bit low as DP away most of this week.

Am interviewing someone Sat who will do 3 collections and cleaning/ironing. If it works out DD will at least have an hour plus wind down before bath and I can spend an extra hour with her over the course of a week.

Seems so unfair I tried for 4 years to get PG to spend only 45 minutes with her each weekday eve. God gave with one hand and took away with the other.

Bath night is the first thing I drop if we are running late or things are fraught etc. They don't really get dirty imo and it does make things easier.

We all lose it sometimes, I work p/time and have a dh is is there most of the time and I need a major dose of patience most days!

I have 2 hours with my two on the days I work, but tbh that time is mostly spent rushing around, not sitting cuddling and having a nice time so don't beat yourself up too much.

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