Shared "custody"

[twinsetandpearls]

I ma thinking of approaching my ex about having shared custody of dd, I know custody doesn't exist but I am generally talking about dd living half the week here and half the week at her Dads.

At present I have sole responsibilty for dd due to her fathers behaviour in the past. But he seems to have settled, he is exercising regular contact ( still paying no maintenace but I have come to the colnclusion that dd needs her dad more than we need the money.)being much more responsible. He now ahs her almost every weekend as well as having her during the week every now and again so dp and I can have time together. He has also offered to adjust his working week so I can go to work on a Wednesday and he can look after her.

Those of you who have read my posts before will know that dd can be a difficult child and when I am not well I struggle with her. Dp and I had a long chat this weekend after a few difficult weeks with her when I have played a big role in her misbehaviour by being a crap mother basically. I think that dd would be better at the if her dad and I worked more as a team and we could both face the challenges she throws at us with renewed vigour and enthusiasm rather than being caught in that endless cycle of whinging toddler and stressed knackered mummy.

I was thinking that dd could live with dp and I Monday and Tuesday with her dad Wednesday and Thursday and we could alternate Fridays and Sundays.

In reality it isn't much differet from what we do now except that rather than going to stop with daddy at weekends I hope dd will get a feel that she lives with both of her parents who make an equal contribution to her. Is this pie in the sky?? Also by formalizing things or at least ahving a routine agreed on in advance everyone knows where they stand and hopefully dd will feel more stable about her relationship with her father.

I have always been rather sceptical parenting between divorced couples but I know that dd loves both her dad and I equally and that as mature adults we owe it to her to leave the past where it belongs and move on.

Have other mumsnetters tried this.

i know someone who does this - basically - something always crops up and so the kid is being passed back and forth at the parents convenience - it would be ok if there was routine - whioch kids abbsolutley need - but invariably life gets in the way and its easier to "just drop her off" - the end product for my friend is a very unhappy child who likes to play parents off against easch other - no structure and no boundaries.

i always thought something like this could work - where a long period of time was involved - like school holidays rather than splitting the week.

ithink i'd even rather do alternate months if it were me - giving the child the time to get used to a routine

par for the course, crimbocrazydazy - I've lost count of the number of stories I've heard like this. They'll climb up bridges and palaces to proclaim how much they want to see their kids, and then when they actually have to look after them, they realise it interferes with watching the footie or the rugby.

Wankers. Parp.

Exactly, DP gets so annoyed with him. Mind you even when they were still together they went on holiday together for 2 weeks and then the day they came back the grandparents took their son away for another 2 weeks they didn't see him for a month and it just did not bother them, him or the mother!

DP couldn't handle working away for a couple of nights away from our kids so in the end he gave the job up, I guess there are exceptions to the rule.

There are exceptions to the rule, my dp adores dd even though he is not biologically her father. He has rebuilt his whole life around her and doesn't understand my ex at all.

My dd adores her father, as do most little girls and wants to see more of him. Despite my reservations I was willing to put my feelings to one side to give her what she wants - am spitting feathers that he can't / won't do the same.

Well you tried, Twinset. And that's all you can do in the end.

What a useless toad he sounds.

I know I tried, and it was a hard thing for me to do especially as I got a lot of flack from my family, at least they will talk to me now!

I just don't understand especially as he is always prattling on about how he wants custody.

Talk is cheap.

It certainly is, and looking back now it was obvious he didn't want to become more involved.

I must stop trying to see the good in people and hoping they will do the right thing.

you tried anyway twinset! It is usually good to push this sort of thing to the limit, and find out what people really think, rather than going on for years, putting up with their selfishness and believing that they would do the right thing if you just asked them. (speaking from personal experience of course)

Some men just see their children as "trophies", something to show off about to friends but when it comes down to the actually being there day in day out dealing with the rough and the smooth they can't handle it and then decide to lead their own lives regardless of the children they leave behind.

I know how your DD feels Twinset, I was a "Daddy's girl" and then my parents split when I was 4. My Dad used to let me down constantly, I can remember sitting in the window waiting for him to come and pick me up and 9 times out of 10 he didn't show up and didn't even ring to let me know sad]. The times he did show up he brought me a present and thought that made up for everything.

Its his loss now though as he has not once seen his beautiful grandchildren. We just cut ties with him as we grew older -just think he's a waste of space.

It made me quite cynical of men but thankfully DP is the total opposite and adores his two kids.

This worked for us whilst ss wasn't at school, we'd have him one week Mon-Fri and his mum and stepdad the other,with alternate weekends thrown in, when he started school, as we live too far away from each other, ss does every other weekend with us now and then half the hols with us. I think its better to keep to fixed days, so the kids know where they are IUCWIM

I do this with my ex-h, twinset. It does help that we live 4 doors apart! (thankfully we don't actually have to 'see' each other, it's a busy main road and he's never there unless he has the kids) I never thought it would work and my new dp was very skeptical but it has worked out well (it was the best house in the school area I could afford basically).

I think they call custody 'residence' now and we have never had our arrangement formalised despite divorce, I never wanted anyone to tell me when/where I could see my kids. I agree that part of why he does it is to avoid paying me maintenance (long story, we take home similar net pay but he has huge salary package to his benefit and shortened his mortgage to make it seem bigger!). I work at home mainly but sometimes have to travel overnight and at least that is covered.

Your ex would have to be committed and really a court agreement would be best if you doubt him at all. My ex-d rattles on about me ruining his social life/career! He also farms them out to his mother, sister and even girlfriend sometimes.

I get the child benefit and tax credits (about £2), as after a long fight, they decided I was the main carer (responsible for school, health, social life etc). He pays exactly half for school dinners, clubs, school clothes, equipment etc.

We do alternate weekends and he has them a couple of nights in the week - I think this only works because ds1 (11) has a key to each house and can access school/club stuff. I have them after school every night and feed them (why he lets me keep CB and tax creds) so they are far more of a 'burden' on me but I prefer to see and feed them everyday. I think a routine is important and I know my kids like to know where they are sleeping from day to day!

I know th my ex will go to any lenghths to avoid paying maintenance so I have to admit I am surprised je didn't t ake the shared care route just so he can legally avoid maintenance.

be careful twinset that may be why he is doing it, if you go to the CSA or whatever, if your child spend so many nights at the non resident parents house the maintenance is reduced 1/7 for every night out of a week. there is a minimum "awaynights" for this formula to kick in. at the end of the day you have to think what is right for your kids and not think about the money too much. some kids like shared parenting others prefer visits. either way the suitcase living takes a lot of effort on all parties to make sure it works. more important is to make sure that your parenting values and messages are the same (eg homework, healthy eating, religion - whatever is your bag the children need consistency or at least a truce on your differences)

I am not bothered about the money any moer to be honest. I have been told to go to the inland revenue who ahve told me they are more than willing to prosecute him for tax evasion but I don't particulalry need it and to be honest I find it demeaning to chase a man for money. AS I recieve no maintenance (infact I pay him money!) I can not be financially affected by any changes in dd living arrangements.

DD deaparately wants to see more of ehr Dad and it was for that reason alone that I approached him about shared parenting. I was surprised that he turned me down not because as I said he is very relucatant to pay any maintenace and even though we divorced 4 years ago I ahve not been able to get a finiancial settlement - all I got from the marital home was a Christmas tree!

Sadly our parenting values are wildy different but somehow dd just gets on with it and knows she has two very different parents - perhaps kids are far more resilient and smart than we give them credit for.

It is all immaterial now though as he is not interested.

why can men be so crap.
kids are resilient I think, but it can come back to haunt you. I coped quite well as a child with an odd upbringing but when you are an adult, and particularly become a parent, you get a bit reflective about it all. I haven't got history repeating itself syndrome but if anything I am trying not to do what others did, but as long as you are consistent (if different) i think they will be ok.
you take care of yourself.

You are right , my own childhood has come back to haunt me throughout my life so I ahve worked hard in very difficult circumstances to make dd life as stress free as possible.

THe worst thing I can rememeber about my won childhood and expereince of divorce was my Mum's bitterness, the endless rows about money and her going out of her way to sabotage access arrangements. I suppose for that reason I try to help my dd relationship with her father as much as I can, even if that involves a lot of counting to ten and biting my tongue.

We are different but consistent, I also try not to criticise him in front of my daughter as I know that builds resentment and confusion. To be fair he tends to follow my lead on discipline - he has veen helped with the infamous mumsnet pasta jar but our whole ethos and approach to parenting is so different

Sadly so many men are crap because their mothers brought them up that way and the women in their lives allow them to continue.

twinset think you are right to bite tongue. after all, our failed adult relationships are not our children's problem. they just have to live with the consequences and we owe it to them to do our best and rise above petty criticisms of our exes. i know that my dd would rather we were all like we "used to be" but that will not happen. selfish? yes. but you only get one life. as my mum said to me you only have one child not two, and your one child will eventually grow up!

On that very good point i am going to bed, I am at work with 30 pre schoolers tomorrow morning - I need my sleep!