shouting vs. smacking

[emkana]

I shout at my children far far far too often and really hate myself for it. The other thread has made me think if I can really feel that great about being a non-smacker, if I'm not potentially doing more harm by shouting so much.
I never say anything bad or derogatory, never ever, but just lose patience or shout orders or "Verdammt noch mal" (something like dammit I suppose).

[emkana]

No opinions on this anyone?

[spidermama]

My dh used to shout a lot. He still shouts quite a bit but he has been trying really hard to stop lately and it seems to be working.

From my observation when he shouts at the kids he's sort of joining in with their energy and becoming one of them. It's not a choice he makes, but rather he seems to be carried away with the energy of it all iyswim.

I don't know how he's managing to keep control these days but I'll ask him.

I've read on another thread that you're pregnant, your dh is away and you have two small kids. In your situation I shouted too. A lot. So I really feel for you.

Try to look after yourself and get help from people if you can. Go to bed earlier because tiredness is often a factor.

Best of luck emkana and don't worry too much about the shouting that has already occurred.

[motherinferior]

I agree, completely. I am so smug about smacking, yet am termagent from hell.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I don't smack. At least, I'd prefer not to, and haven't, yet. (I'm quite pleased about that, not least because I used to think some smacking was inevitable.)

I do shout, but not very often ... less than once a day? And I always apologise for it, and explain why I did it. It never helps. I do feel better about myself when I avoid it entirely, but there are certain times when I find it hard to avoid shouting (getting everyone out of the house in the morning!).

[emkana]

termagent - now there's a new word to add to my vocabulary... what does it mean please?

[motherinferior]

A shouty screamy woman.

[spidermama]

Great word.

[NotQuiteCockney]

It looks as if it should have a silent "p" at the beginning. Like ptarmigan.

Or is it just me?

[harpsichordcarrierforcharidee]

is it like a virago, or more of a negative connotation?

[moondog]

Well I've just had a big shouty session,curtailed the storytelling session,snapped off the lights and banged the bedroom door.

I don't feel bad.She was being a little madam.

[motherinferior]

It does, doesn't it.

Not great connotations, and it's probably a word one should either Abjure or Reclaim, isn't it.

[spidermama]

Now she's alone in the dark thinking about it Moondog.

Whoops! Sorry. I'm sure she's fine.

[motherinferior]

Getting everyone out of the house doesn't count, does it? We would end up incarcerated indefinitely in then Inferiority Complex if I didn't bellow at some stage in the proceedings HURRY UP NOW OR WE'LL BE LATE.

[HRHQoQ]

back to the point in question - I think lots of shouting does more harm than the occasional single smack.

[spidermama]

Possibly. Some shouting is worse than other shouting, just as some smacking is worse. By worse I mean more traumatic for the child.

[moondog]

She's asleep already spidermama,dreaming of horseriding tomorrow no doubt.
I have lots of hangups about my parenting style but have never had any qualms whatsoever about sleeping issues or giving a bollocking when necessary.

(I thought I shouted a lot but two friends have told me on separate occasions 'Moondog,you never shout at your kids!' so I mustn't be too bad!)

[emkana]

Yes, but then you would say that wouldn't you QofQ?

No offence intended.

And I might agree with you, that's why I started this thread after all.

Dd2 by the way isn't bothered in the slightest when I shout at her. She laughs mostly and says "I'm really happy Mummy."

[emkana]

Well, moondog, everybody around me always says how incredibly patient I am, but then I don't feel like shouting when I'm with other people, so it's very much a "behind closed doors" thing here I'm afraid.

[NotQuiteCockney]

DS1 does get upset if I shout, which I guess means I don't shout that much?

I never shout abuse or rude things, the worst thing I've said was "I quit.". That was after an entirely unnecessary poo accident, in public. I apologised for it.

I don't find shouting in the morning actually helps, though, is the thing. If I manage to be high energy and helpful, we actually get out faster, and everyone is still friends.

[HRHQoQ]

If I raise my voice at all......even to a "stern" rather than shouting voice - DS2 (23 months) promptly bursts into tears and throws himself on the floor!

[moondog]

I shout and swear.
(Not that I am proud of it..)

[HRHQoQ]

moondog - I know the feeling......I'm very suprised neither of my children have been heard to utter any swear words yet

[moondog]

Tref,gosh,I barely consider 'bloody' a swear word (which gives you some idea of the sewer that is my mouth.)

[saadia]

I have in the past shouted at ds1 (nearly 4), but stopped pretty quick smart when I saw that he was using it right back at me. One piece of advice I always give new parents is not to do anything in front of the kids that they don't want them to imitate because it is sometimes quite shocking to see how much they become a mirror of ourselves.

I do need to raise my voice to be heard if he is shouting, but I have now learnt to not lose my temper in front of him.