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Parenting

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Original poster

Is the 'mother - child bond' greater with the first child?

50 replies

Ponka · 25/10/2005 21:13

I had a really interesting conversation at work the other day. One of my colleagues, who's 2 children have both grown up, was saying that there's a special bond between a Mum and their first child, which you just don't get with any subsequent ones. Something special. I was quite surprised, almost shocked by her saying this. She said she loves them both very much and would jump in front of a bus for either but that there is just something extra there with the first.

Now expecting my second child, I'm hoping that the bond will be just as strong. I know that it's not ever going to be as fresh and life changing as having the first but I don't want my feelings to be any different.

I'd be interested to know, for those of you who have more than one child, if you agree with her.

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Earlybird · 25/10/2005 22:26

Can't generalise, I don't think. I'm the oldest child in my family, and my younger sisters have a much better relationship with my mum than I do.

wallopyCOD · 25/10/2005 22:27

thin k its personalities
i get on relly well with my mum adn am mych mroe relaxed than my sister
but htey get on well when i am not there

bakabat · 25/10/2005 22:30

nope. Have 3 - the bond/love is the same. The bond with ds1 is weird because although he's 6 he still feels much more part of me than ds2 (because ds1 is non-verbal and communication occurs a lot by touch- so the bond is still very infant like). Ds2 is much mre independent and seems much more seperate but I have more access into his mind (because he can tewll me don't have to guess). Ds3 is still a baby so its still a baby bond.

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JanH · 25/10/2005 22:32

I have 4 and I couldn't do Sophie's Choice either.

tigi · 25/10/2005 22:33

I'm closer to ds2 (i have 3 sons). He is very affectionate and needy of me, so maybe that is why? I had a very bad pregnancy and birth with him, so maybe I feel lucky having him? Although at the time I was Very disapointed he wasn't a girl!- I obviously got over this quickly and ds 3 didn't bother me that he was a boy.(I breastfed all same - 6mths)

spanner180271 · 25/10/2005 22:42

my dd is 7 and obviously doesnt need me as much as a toddler does so the bond bet me and ds is strongr at the moment. plus i know he will be the last baby so i'm making the most of it!

Tortington · 26/10/2005 01:42

in my experience it tends to be the youngest child of the family - this is true of oother family members. - this is also true of their grandchildren - the youngest child was fave - the youngests childs children are fave - the youngest grandchild of the youngest child is ultra fav.

i have a soft spot for my eldest becuase having phychoanalysed myself i reckon its cos the twins got all the attendtion so i really really tried with him - becuase everyone left him out as the twins were the freak show.

magnolia1 · 26/10/2005 10:13

I have a close relationship to my mum and I'm the eldest but so does my youngest sister.

I have 4 girls and although I love them all I have a very strong Bond with my youngest. Maybe coz she is the last, or coz she was breastfed or coz she was a singleton after twins.
Don't know the reasons but it doesn't stop me loving the others just as much

doormat · 26/10/2005 10:16

ponka nah love all my children all the same

binkie · 26/10/2005 10:23

Think it's down to individualities, as usual - circumstances of birth, personality, who the baby looks like even. Dd (who's my second) was a gloriously cuddly baby with a heart-shaped face and huge blue eyes - so the bond was a kind of instant adoration thing; ds was a serious independent questing baby, and it look much longer to feel in tune with him, and then it was more of a mind - about finding the same things interesting - than heart thing.

(Also, see Issymum's thread about loving her dd1 but being in love with her dd2.)

vickiyumyum · 26/10/2005 10:30

i have astrong bond with both of my ds, but have to admit that the bond is probably stronger with ds2!

i really am not sure why this is. doesn't really go with all the theories as i was a sahm with ds1 and returned to work at 7 months with ds2. maybe its because he is my youngest and i have subconsciously felt guilty about going to work and leaving him so young, whereaas ds1 i was at home with him all the time and took him to toddler groups, swimming, trampolining etc etc and now that he is 8 and at that awkward ungrateful, whingy stage my bond with him doesn't seem quite as rewarding as with ds2 who runs to me as soon as i walk through the door and will sit and cuddle me and likes to play with my hair, likes to come into bed on a sunday morning for a hug, whereas ds1 will go straight downstairs and switch on the tv or the playstation and just grunt at me, its like living with a 15y.o

i suppose i shoud make the most of it as it won't be long before ds2(3yo)will be more interested in tv and computer games than having a cuddle with his mum.

p.s it actually makes me sad to read what i have written!

crazydazy · 26/10/2005 10:36

I know I am dreading it when my DS gets to the age where he doesn't want to cuddle anymore, he's also 3 and very loving and if I ever hurt myself he rushes to me and kisses it better and its so lovely.....they say boys always look after their Mums no matter what age they are....a comforting thought

webmum · 26/10/2005 11:02

I think I have a stronger bond with 22d, but that's probably because she's just been SO MUCH easier than dd1 in evry respect until now!!

But I'm bracing myself for when she hits 2 and the other will be a very reasonable 6 year old!!

tigi · 26/10/2005 16:33

22nd?

magnolia1 · 26/10/2005 19:41

Reasonable 6 year old

Didn't know they existed

nooka · 26/10/2005 21:26

dd and ds are very different, and my relationship with them is different. I think that I have a special spot for ds, but I think that is a mother son thing rather than a first child thing. I do think birth order is very important, but probably more so in larger families (I am the youngest of four). It's not that I don't love dd, I do, but it is different. I think of her as a fierce thing (although much more dependant and cuddly in general), whereas I think of ds as vulnerable. In fact as they have grown older that is probaly much less true, but it is very difficult to move on in your emotional assessments I think. I don't think that it really matters, so long as they both feel loved, and you don't stereotype them.

vickiyumyum · 26/10/2005 21:28

ds1 does still look out for me if that makes sense and does ask if i need help sometimes, which is quite sweet, its just he eems far more interested in playstation games at the moment and has a real strop if i tell him he cannot play it (he is only allowed to play on it at weekends and scholl holidays)

hovely · 27/10/2005 09:41

it's actually a source of guilt/worry for me that I feel less of a bond with DS (2nd child). I love and adore him as much as I do DD, but I felt so close to her that I just seemed to know what she was thinking. For me I believe that stemmed from being alone with her (at any rate during the days) for 18 months before I went back to work and she went to nursery. With DS that one-on-one time has never existed. I am also much more pragmatic with the benefit of some experience, and as a result I let him get further into slightly risky situations, eg I will say 'be careful' instead of lifting him off a chair when he stands on one(he is nearly 2 btw). Sometimes I wonder if I am too casual with him, although more likely I am just worrying because I don't worry as much, if that makes sense.

webmum · 27/10/2005 10:32

2nd of course!!!!!

webmum · 27/10/2005 10:35

magnolia

that's wishful thinking, I hope compared to a stroppy 2 year old and her own toddler years I'll find her reasonable when she's 6....Mind you she's 4 1/2 and still having lots of tantrums, so maybe I'm just daydreaming!!!

lucykate · 27/10/2005 10:42

for me i think it's pretty equal. i absolutley doted on dd when she was our only child. since ds arrived 5 months ago, she does have competition now though, particularly as i miscarried twice before having him so he is all the more special to us. i try and make sure they both get equal attention, but he does get more still being a baby, dd is nearly 4.

spagblog · 27/10/2005 11:10

I don't have to reply to this...Crazydazy has said everything that I feel with my two. Snap.

ScreamEagle · 27/10/2005 11:14

I have 5 and I think the bond is different with each of them. If anything I probably have a stronger/better relationship with my second who is my eldest ds. He is most like me I guess.

I think it's down to personalities as to how well you bond with them.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2005 11:16

I think it depends on the child, too.

Our daughter was a classic 'angel' baby who is now an 'angel' child. Even her toddler tantrums are short and far between. She's almost always in a good mood.

Her contented, sweet and affectionate nature makes her VERY easy to love.

We know we may not be so blessed next time round - DB is due 18 December.

ScreamEagle · 27/10/2005 11:21

It wasn't always this way with ds1 though. He was a very difficult, oppositional, obstructive child, prone to explosive temper tantrums. He is maturing nicely now, however, and as he approaches 12 he is a much calmer, kind, considerate boy with a wicked sense of humour.

ds2 and dd on the other hand were calm, quiet, model babies who, as they get older (14 and almost 10) are getting more rebellious and mouthy.

A lot is also to do with how you handle them.

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