Depressed

[Teletubby]

How do other people cope with days whereby they feel fed up with their life? fed up with having good intentions of taking kids out and it always ending in public embarrassment with tantrums etc, tired from all the lack of sleep and always feeling lonely and insignificant (god i sound depressed) but i am truly truly fed up. How do people get through days like this? Every day seems the same and i'm very bored i could cry!

Company. Personally I find the biggest threat to sanity and happiness during this period of looking after small children (don't know how old yours are) is tiredness and the only way to cope is to have someone else around so that all the onus isn't on you.

I'm sure you'll get loads of replies to this one Teletubby. I remember the days of early babyhood and not being able to speak through tiredness. Soon I will have to do it again but with a two year old to entertain. hence I am going to to to loads of toddler group things and get her entertained that way!

re feeling lonely and significant, yeah, I have that too. I envy people who have those really good friends in the same boat, I don't really really click with many people sadly. I'm also just hanging out for that elusive time when I will have time to do other things. I know some people do already like those who do lots for the NCT or whatever but I have no idea where their time comes from.

Teletubby I look forward to hearing your other replies, I must admit I have phoned people before and just said, please can I come and visit you some time today because I can't cope. We all know what it is like.

My two are aged nearly two years and the other is 4 months so you will be in the same boat as me soon! I know what you mean about not really clicking with people, i have quite a few friends but none that i could say i can really relax with and say i have clicked with which is odd because i do come across as very bubbly but most people i meet seem to be really sensible and don't perhaps share my sense of humour! I'm glad i'm not alone in feeling like this.

Teletubby have you considered a part time job? I don't know anything about your circumstances, but if you could get a job even just a few hours a week that would pay for childcare you would then have a lot more contact with the outside world and of course some time to yourself (even though you would be working, it's soooo much easier than looking after kids!)

I felt rather isolated and exhausted until I went back to work. Now I feel great, I still have lots of time with my dd as I work from home a lot, but I also feel that I still have my own time too.

I would agree with elf - company helps - have you tried toddler groups or meeting up with other mums from here. my kids are older now but remember how it felt it was easier to stay indoors all day rather than face the world !!
hope you feel better soon, would try to help if i was near you

Do normally go to some groups when not holidays but find them quite dull too (sorry to sound so down)
Work isn't really an option what with breastfeeding, husband clearly isn't keen plus i'm studying at the moment and have difficulty trying to fit that in too. I think if my husband was really keen for me to work i.e we needed the money then it'd be alot easier and i'd certainly feel less guilty for finding motherhood so lonely and boring at the moment

What are you studing for? Do you go to college? Could you study at college instead of at home (if that is what you do) as they often have creches?

Maybe your dh wouldn't mind you getting a little part time job if you explained how you were feeling? You could always express some milk for the few hours you were away.

4 months is pretty young to be going back to work though. Maybe you are just adjusting to having 2, I gather it's quite a shock to the system.

Do you have any family nearby that can help by babysitting so you could have some time to yourself?

SamboM - I'm studying a law degree which i do from home and having paid for it can't really change to college study. My dh knows how i feel but is a funny man really, he lives in this idealistic world where is boat sails along peacefully and hates anyone rocking it! Everytime i mention being bored and fed up he says that i am always moaning and results in
'fine get a bloody job' so i always feel on eggshells when discussing such things with him. He really doesn't like problems at home, he has a very stressful job and seems to think that because he sorts out problems all day he shouldn't have to come home to grief too! We do have a regular babysitter so that we can get out in the evenings but that hasn't helped as much as hoped, i find i have nothing to talk about apart from kids and sit there the whole night wondering how exhausted i'm going to feel the next day having had a late and sleepless night! I think i'm a hopeless case!

SamboM - I'm studying a law degree which i do from home and having paid for it can't really change to college study. My dh knows how i feel but is a funny man really, he lives in this idealistic world where is boat sails along peacefully and hates anyone rocking it! Everytime i mention being bored and fed up he says that i am always moaning and results in
'fine get a bloody job' so i always feel on eggshells when discussing such things with him. He really doesn't like problems at home, he has a very stressful job and seems to think that because he sorts out problems all day he shouldn't have to come home to grief too! We do have a regular babysitter so that we can get out in the evenings but that hasn't helped as much as hoped, i find i have nothing to talk about apart from kids and sit there the whole night wondering how exhausted i'm going to feel the next day having had a late and sleepless night! I think i'm a hopeless case!

SamboM - I'm studying a law degree which i do from home and having paid for it can't really change to college study. My dh knows how i feel but is a funny man really, he lives in this idealistic world where is boat sails along peacefully and hates anyone rocking it! Everytime i mention being bored and fed up he says that i am always moaning and results in
'fine get a bloody job' so i always feel on eggshells when discussing such things with him. He really doesn't like problems at home, he has a very stressful job and seems to think that because he sorts out problems all day he shouldn't have to come home to grief too! We do have a regular babysitter so that we can get out in the evenings but that hasn't helped as much as hoped, i find i have nothing to talk about apart from kids and sit there the whole night wondering how exhausted i'm going to feel the next day having had a late and sleepless night! I think i'm a hopeless case!

whoops - a little impatient i feel!

I don't think you sound like a hopeless case - I think you sound normal! I have a 2 year old and work 3 days a week and I still feel fed up a lot. I have a supportive husband and family that live close and help when they can. I feel the same as you when we go out - that I will never get up on the morning! Alos, have quite bad arthritis which results in severe lack of sleep through pain and gets me down - also ttc but with no time for bd-ing - am starting to think that will never happen. See - I feel down and miserable too!! I used to have what I thought were good friends but they have vanished over the years as circumstances have changed and I too find it dificult to make new friends that are in a similar situation. My closest friend has a dd (6) and ds (2.5)and although I love spending time with her, her dd is always mauling my son (in a nice way but it still annoys him!)I hated toddler groups and coffee mornings and spend most of the time feeling ugly and fat - I think it is how a lot of people feel for some of the time. The only way I cope is to try and relax whenever I can and at least have an hour a week for me time when dh looks after ds even if just for a bath - sorry I have probably depressed you more than you were but at least you know you are not on your own!!!

PS my dh refuses to discuss home problems unless really backed into a corner too or make decisions as he does 'that all day at work'

Teletubby, I'm not surprised you're feeling down, it sounds to me as if your emotional needs are just not being met, and you have no one to turn to to feel heard and understood. I really do understand that you don't want to burden your dh with your feelings, especially as he is under pressure too. This time when children are small is so exhausting and draining that both parents often feel they have no more to give. Is there someone else you can confide in - maybe just have a coffee or share a bottle of wine once a week and have a good moan and a good nag? It really helps.

At the same time perhaps if you feel a little better you might be able to discuss your feelings with dh once in a while without him feeling that it is moaning - after all, we all need attention and to be listened to. Sometimes my dh and I disappear up to our bedroom for an early night and as long as we are not tempted to put the telly on (fatal!) this relaxed atmosphere often leads to being able to discuss emotional needs without it being a moan. It's when you don't say anything until you are very upset or angry that it turns into moaning. Try to keep the communication going as an everyday thing and hopefully it will be easier. I find when my dh and I go out without kids is another good time. You really need some time just to be a couple once in a while.

All this takes effort and practice by both partners, and it's easy to slip into not bothering. But I have noticed when we pay attention to our time together there are very few upsets and rows.

You need some fun things in your life to look forward to. I don't mind half so much having to do mundane chores all day if I can look forward to the end of the week being taken to a pub or restaurant or having a couple of hours to shop for something I want on my own.

When my girls were little I used to steal time for my peace of mind by using the creches at the library and sports centre and doing something I wanted to do, on my own for a couple of hours. It's very restorative.

And last of all, I find it helps to remember that as they get older, the workload lightens. You will never have this kind of exhaustion again when your children grow older. This is spring for the gardener - but summer will come and you will be relaxing and enjoying the view.

I feel the same Tellytubby! Now that dd has dropped her afternoon naps the days just drag on and on. Here are a few things I do to while away the hours:
Blackberry picking - now is the season, get the kids and yourself out of the house and get some lovely blackberries, the kids will love it!
Baking - get some simple recipes and encourage the kids to help you bake some fairy cakes.
Bathing - stick them in the bath with loads of bubbles and pots, toys, etc, cover the floor with towels and let them play whilst you read a book on the toilet!
Libraries - they often do storytimes. Me and dd can spend a good 2 hours in the library reading. You can also get videos from there to stick on for them when you've really had enough!

For yourself, arrange a night out with some friends, your partner can babysit. Or get him to look after them whilst you spend a Saturday shopping, a bit of retail therapy. If he moans, tell him that he either helps you out or you'll book a week's holiday somewhere and leave him to it.
Also, write down all the good days that you have, what you did and how you felt. It's good to remind yourself of the good times as sometimes it feels like the bad days just roll on and on.

Hope some of this helps. You have my every sympathy.

Bum I did long reply and mumsnet crashed on me. Have to go to bed as have v early start. Will try again tomorrow. Hope you're ok Teletubby

i feel very isolated too. am at home with first baby (15 weeks). i find the tiredness difficult to cope with and dont seem to fit in with the other mums i meet through groups. this is the first time i have found it really difficult to make friends and it makes me feel depressed and as if i am a bad mother. what if ds will be isolated too because of me? dh is very supportive but works very long hours. i suppose some days are just worse then others.

Mimm, don't be down about feeling you don't fit in at a baby group. People are thrown together in them for no more reason than that they have had a baby around the same time. They may have nothing in common at all. Find another group or just hang around with people you like, whether their kids are the same age or not.

Dear Teletubby and Mimm,

I felt and still occasionally feel the same way as you both describe too.

I have a nearly two year old little boy, and over a month ago my best friend emigrated to Canada - she had a six month old girl and we all used to meet up at least every Monday afternoon for a coffee.

When she left, I decided to be pro-active and find a mother and toddler group and all these other activities, as I was guilt ridden I wasn't helping my little boy develop enough or doing enough things with him. Sure enough I trundled along to various activities, and no one tells you this, but it is so hard if you go in there by yourself. If you are with another mum then fine, but I went to a Mother and Baby group near where I live, I felt so disheartened at the end of it, as no one really made an effort to talk and whenever I went up to someone to chat they looked at me as if I was barking! I came home and sat and cried, because I was so desperately lonely and had no one to talk to about how bloody hard it is being a mum sometimes.

I am lucky in that I work three days a week, but some times Monday and Tuesday when I was at home really dragged, and I just didn't know what to do with my little boy. I started to feel guilty every time I turned the telly on, because I thought I should be doing something else, and that the last thing I should be doing is watching telly!

Then I just sat and thought about what I could do to keep myself sane. I just realised that I needed to stop beating myself up, I am a good mum and if I couldn't find mums in my area to hang out with, then me and my little boy would have a good time together.

I have now consciously made myself get into a routine that by 10.30 am every Monday and Tuesday, we are out of the house and going somewhere or doing something. It might be a trip into town, or the supermarket, or to a Toddlers Music group (still where all the little cliques sit), or just putting him in his buggy and walking but we go and have a good time together.

I think it is more difficult when the baby is younger, because you can't have the same level of interaction, and I do agree with Janstar, that there is nothing wrong with hanging around with people you like as oppose to people you think you should hang around with.

Sorry to go on, but I feel so strongly about this, in that mums are often made to feel bad if they are not able to or want to get into the whole Mother and toddler community thing, and if like me, you don't have any family nearby, being a mum can be one of the most knackering and bewildering things.

So Teletubby and Mimm please believe me, you are definitely not alone, and don't ever feel you are. You will always find someone to talk to on mumsnet

Tellytubby, can really sympathise with you re the husband thing. Mine is the same. Heaps of stress @ work and really doesn't need me in tears at the end of the day. To him my worries seem so trivial. I have 3 children, each 21 mths apart. Eldest 5 next month, just started school, a little b*r. Dd 3, quite sweet but v determined and pretty vague at the same time. DS2 is 16 mths, and into everything. needs100% supervision. Problem is I really don't feel competent to cope with them. I have no help - did have but financial situation has changed - and no relations nearby. I haven't had a holiday in nearly 3 years. I just shout at my children, even scream at them, most of the time. The older 2 are out all morning, but it's 20 mins each way to drop them off, plus waiting time in between. I have to be out of the house with the 3 of them at 8.15. Everything they eat is homemade. Today is the third day in a row that they have refused (all 3) to eat what I have given them. I am so dog tired I don't know what to do - and they're not even up in the night. I love my children so much but I don't feel I can be a good mother to them. I don't really know what to do. We never go out a deux, because he's often away and if not, then too tired and stressed. The house is always a mess (although I do have plenty of help there)and he makes barbed comments about that. I don't have many friends around here as I always feel there's something I have to keep to myself (eg dh's probs) and I don't go out on my own as I feel guilty, as there's always so much else to do.

Lady

I feel so sorry about your post, but you have to assert your own needs as a person, otherwise you will drown.

I know what you mean about your husband being too stressed to give him your troubles too, but your feelings are no more trivial than his. Are you sure he feels this way, or have you just decided that you shouldn't bother him with them?
I've had a pretty difficult time health-wise recently, making it difficult for me to do any mothering things with my son, and making me very miserable. As my dh is under great stress at work, I tried to hide my pain (emotional as well as physical) from him. He recently told me he feels like I am pushing him away or shutting him out for not sharing my upset with him.

Also try to make life easier on yourself. Would it make you a bad mother if you occasionally gave the children a convenience meal? The fully homemade/organic etc diet is an ideal, but none of us live in an ideal world. cheat a little now and then, and steal some time for yourself.

Of course the house is a mess, you have 3 small children in it, and in my experience, happy children don't live in show houses. if they are not living in filth (and untidy doesn't equal filthy) they will come to no harm. If dh is sniffy about the state of the house, invite him to spend 2 or 3 days at home with the kids and see if he wants to do it better.

Have you checked out why you are so tired. Please ask your Dr. to eliminate any physical reason such as aneamia (sp?). If it's not physical, then it could be a sign of depression (sounds quite likely). Try to get time out for yourself, get good exercise (not just picking up toys and stirring saucepans) in the great outdoors. Some people swear by energetic gym sessions (not my choice) or just walks in the outdoors (better), failing that a beautifully fragranced warm relaxing bath regularly. choose what works for you.

You need your dh to show love and respect for your feelings, just as he gets your love and respect. You are his wife, and mother of his children, not a lesser person.

Perhaps you both need a holiday, and time to talk about your feelings together. Could you get a short break (or a long one) without the kids? do try, even if you just stay at home while the kids go somewhere else for a night.

Sorry, this post has gone on forever. just want you to feel better, so you can hate your life less, and take the pressure off your kids, who bear the brunt of your tiredness.

Please come back, we'd all like to help

lol

Easy, thank you for your support. I know that all you are saying makes sense, but somehow it's just not that easy. yes a holiday would solve a lot of problems, but dh just can't get away at the mo - and as for having time w/out the children, the prospect of farming out 3 under-5's is not a straightforward one. I'm sure some good exercise, esp outside would help, but my two mornings a week seem to get filled up weeks, nay months, in advance. A hair appointment. A family planning clinic appointment, a twice-yearly shopping trip, you know the story, the chance of getting in anything regular has just sort of disappeared. I take your point about communication with dh, but he is genuinely stressed. He has a lot of weight bearing down on his shoulders and, frankly, I dread him coming home at the end of the day because I don't know how good or bad it is going to be. He also has this amazing knack of turning my defensive comments into attack. I really do get a lot taken out on me, but I have to appreciate that things are very, very hard for him at the moment and that he needs my support and I have to give it to him. He is also v inconsistent. When my last "nanny" finished at the beginning of the summer (she used to come in mornings and evenings and was a Godsend) he told me we couldn't afford her anyway - had to cut costs wherever possible, and now I get chastised for NOT getting help. I would love to tell him that I'm not coping (not that I think he needs telling) and that I don't know what to do but he's always so damning. Really belittles it all. I know things will get better once they ease up for him.

Lady, is there any prospect of things easing up for him.

My dh is in a really sh*tty situation right now. Only prospect is looking for a new job, and he doesn't have time.

Anyway, until I'm healthier he doesn't want to rock the boat (cos I want to move to another part of the country).

It sometimes seems insoluable doesn't it. At least come to us for help, just to talk if nothing else, and do get a checkup re your tiredness, it might be simple to get on top of if you ask.

dear teletubby - i definitely have days like yours. i keep thinking that i should be having the best time, especially when we've had such a sunny summer, but in my heart i don't think that. i find that if i don't organise something every day then i get really fed up and lonely. its catch 22 because its tiring and i get really bored of the bloody park. what i really want to do is lie on the sofa with no one else around!

the best thing that happened to me as a parent was my baby starting nursery! i didn't have any work at first and although i cried when i dropped her off, about two hours later i practically cartwheeled down the road!! oh the joys of sitting in a coffee shop reading a trashy mag with noone to feed rice cakes too! for your sanity i really suggest you get some complete time out from your kids, study, man etc. i am sure you are going to say that you can't but surely its not good for you to feel so fed up?

it is comforting to hear that other people find parenting so tough. it strange though really that being an at home mother gets so little recognition when it is such a difficult path to follow.

I think lots of people just assume that we are all naturals, but I certainly am not. There is so much else on offer in today's world. And expectations are so high - we read and see on TV of all the things we should have a right to - fulfilling work, parenthood, me time, friends, hobbies, sport to keep fit, a great relationship, etc, etc, etc. How are we supposed to fit it all in to 24 hours a day? When a new baby comes along you are lucky to get a few minutes to yourself or a few hours unbroken sleep. It is a big adjustment to make and a hell of a lot of work.

And a couple of generations ago nearly all mothers stayed at home, and most people had extended family nearby, if not in the same house, and so had built in babysitters, cooks, some help! Now many of us have moved away and don't even know our neighbours and for those people motherhood can be very isolating - a lonely, hard job.

We have to alter our style if we are to survive - some things have to be let go. And thank goodness for the internet and mumsnet.