Do you ever find yourself feeling upset about the way other people treat their children?

[Socci]

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I wouldn't say anything to a parent in a shop because even a good parent loses it sometimes. I have made comments to someone I worked with about the way she treated her child. She was always complaining about the poor kid - in front of her and her older sister. Eventually it got to me so much that I told the kid, in front of the mother, that if ever she felt she couldn't stand it any longer she knew where I lived and I'd take her in. Another person who was there then said I've often wanted to say something similar. We also mentioned Childline. Unfortunately I no longer see them but at least it shocked the mother so much that she did try to improve.

Yes i know Pruni thats what I mean.

I feel horrified when i hear someone balling at a kid in public. I think well what the heck goes on behind closed doors.

I just worry if a stranger intervening would mean that the parent has even more rage that will be directed to the child when he/she gets home.

It is just a really hard situation.

These poor kids who get seriously abused to the point of death, how come the neighbours dont see it or teachers dont pick up on it, some of theese poor kids are bruised on the outside and even have cigarette burns, it is unbelievable that child abuse can stil occur in this country today.

We hear our neighbour full on cussing at her kids. Telling them t o get the 'f' out of her life, that she's sick of them all. She's called her husband a 'f'ing fat c88t' in front of them. It's so awful, it's depressing.

Our son is 11 weeks old - but we're going to have to do something about it at some point. I don't want my child witnessing that kind of language and abusive behaviour. But how do you approach it? Nightmare. She looks so 'nice' and 'normal' to someone who doesn't live next door. And it's a good neighbourhood, so it's shocking to witness and sad to think that what you witness in supermarkets is sometimes just the tip of the ice burg. It's the quiet ones you have to watch too. Very sad.

Although I know that not knowing the circumstances fully that it is difficult to judge, it does sound bad to shout at such a young child like that as they just don't understand....

My 17 month old doesn't even know how to say sorry yet, she only knows about 3 words! Sometimes she will kick out at me when frustrated, as she did today, but it is just irritation on her part.

I'm probably harder on my kids outside than in TBH, because I don't have the ability to remove them for time out. I feel I have to put a fast stop to anything, before DS1 kicks off, as he can be violent to anyone nearby.
I did once yell at DS2 (after he had bitten me quite hard) that I had had enough of his beahaviour (I was 7.5 months pg, shattered, DS1 was just starting to show his SN but really, there's no excuse). My secretary at work heard and told my boss, and I got hauled up and told that if I didnt start to cope then I wouldn't be able to come back to work.

A few weeks later, I had to go on emergency mat leave as DS3 stopped growing (I have a history of pet and growth retardation), I was called in for a disciplinary / warning coz I hadn't got all my work done ready to hand over, and reminded that I had been told about me 'behaviour'. {angry].

DS statred to frow minute I got oyt of there, and they were actually surprised I didn't go back!!!

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parenthood is very hard sometimes and we may forget our place from time to time and it can seem like a battle of wills - whereas an outsider can see an adult and a child the adult int he situation cant see the wood for the trees.

these things happen we are not perfect beings

very well said custardo. sometimes you really have to step back and think 'I'm not bickering with a __yr old! I'm a grown up!'
my 13yr can really test you on that one tho......

How can we all be so supportive (in secret) - but judgemental when it comes to public?

I have probably been that horrible mother - stressed out of her head.

I don't belive for a minute the person you witnessed was happy either.

Of course it's not desirable to behave like that woman did but hang on a minute, have you never been stressed?

Yes - but there are boundaries!

Afterll many post on here about their children's tantrums, but it sometimes seems like the adults are just as bad. The behaviour becomes learned with awful repercussions for the children!

I'm not into perfect parenting, never have been! Nevertheless, some behaviours wouldn;t even make the bad parenting books - more like the 'how to irreversibly damage your child' parenting.

There are lines and there are boundaries and those are as valid for adults as they are for children IMO

Judging people on one (public) incident is unfair.

We all have bad days - don't we?

Maybe I'm on the wrong site - thought this one was supportive - not stone throwing.

But Unicorn it is a fine line between looking at a harassed and stressed mum having an off day, and a relentlessly abused child!

How on earth does anyone make that call???

I have been in the situation where I have been physically sick and suffered nightmares about a mother/child scene I witnesses. I wasn't judging in a moralistic way - my whole body had a physiological reaction to it, beyond my rational control

To this day, I bitterly regret not saying or doing something - a very bad call on my part - I should have trusted my instincts!

Seeing kids treated badly, totally rips me apart to an extreme that I dont think is normal, I cant seem to handle it emotionally at all, When I read stories of child abuse or see it on t.v, it effects me deeply for weeks sometimes.

Any video footage of children suffering in 3rd world countries has the same effect, i'm sure something is wrong with me, I dont think I should be effected this badly.

My friend is educated and intelligent and still swears in front of her children - not at them (well not that I've seen). But they will be sitting in the traffic and the 2.5 year old girl will say "C'mon Grandad, f* off".

Needless to say I don't see that friend when my ds is with me.

well Soapbox - how do you differentiate?
If you check out most threads on MN you will find a mother who has said/done something she would rather not.

Don't think Socci was talking about a serial abuser, just a mum who could take no more.

Haven't we all been there?...
or perhaps not - which(perhaps) makes it easier to pass judgement on those who have.

I'm with Unicorn. We've all had off days where we look like the mommy from hell. And I also agree with whoever said they're more likely to lose it outside, because they don't have access to time out, than at home. I think it's totally wrong to assume that because someone is losing it in public, that's their habitual behaviour in private. Public losing it is in some ways more acceptable than being patient and consistent - I've sometimes felt far more disapproval from people who I just know are looking at me thiking "for Christ's sake, belt that child" when i am studiously ignoring them, than when I lose it and start bellowing at them.

But yes, i can vouch for habitual abuse having far reaching consequences. All my earliest memories of my parents are of being smacked or bullied. And that hasn't made for a good relationship with them.

i wonder how many of you would tut at me if you saw me in the supermarket..20 month old dd face down on the floor and her arm twisted behind her back, me holding onto it?

she does this herself!! on a bad day, she WILL NOT got in the trolley so i try to walk her round. she then gets fed up of holding my hand and throws herself onto the floor whilst doing a strange twist. i cant let go immediatly or she will bang her head hard on the floor so i lower her down gently and then let her lie there screaming for a minute.

i imagine it doesnt look good to passers by.

The way I see it, it is not the behaviour of the child, but the parent.
If your child is throwing the tantrum of the century and bashing themselves, you would think - oh dear, and then have full sympathy for the parent!
If the parent is swearing and hitting or using emotional abuse no matter what the child had been doing, you would be appalled...no?

We have all had bad days, but violence shouldn't come into it.

I was walking behind a family when I was returning to my car from shopping. It was father, mother and 2 daughters and presumably, they were walking back to their car also. The older girl, who was about 6 years old, was dawdling and enjoying her ice-cream. The father looked round and screamed at her on top of his voice "Hurry up you f*ing c**t!". The little girl immediately hunched up as if he was about to hit her. He saw me and backed off. I was shaking because I could not believe what I had just witnessed. The wife carried on chomping on her ice-cream and just laughed

The parents are the adults and they should know right from wrong. Unfortunately, some parents really do not know any better because that kind of abusive behaviour is all they know. It does not excuse it but it makes it understandable.

Previously, one needed a licence to have a dog but unfortunately, anybody can have a child

I agree there is a difference between losing it and deliberate cruelty. I've smacked my children sometimes, and I know it doesn't improve matters, but I've done it because I've lost it and I hate myself for it afterwards. But sometimes that's what happens. But I would never ever subject my child to the verbal, wmotional and physical abuse some other posters have witnessed. The only time I have witnessed something similar was a mother in the park calling her toddler a "f*ing mong". My DH and I were so shocked we were frozen into inaction, anf if we'd have said anything we'd have been abused too. But you do wonder what sort of abuse the kids have to experience behind closed doors.

Sounds like Socci's WHSmith incident was just a mum losing it - not a pretty sight, but she could be like my neighbour who regularly yells (not swears) at her 8 and 6 year old. The eldest is autistic and 'difficult' and the youngest is a bit of a yob. BUT.... she has NO support whatsoever from her partner and, IMO, needs to get the hell out of her relationship. She's severely stressed. But she is a good mum and loves her kids. The instances of verbal and physical abuse I hink stem from parents who really don't love, or know how to love, their children.

Agree Wordsmith. I personally see nothing wrong with a little smack because sometimes after you have exhausted all other avenues, a short, sharp shock treatment is what is needed. My 4 brothers and I were smacked as children and we are all well adjusted, upstanding pillars of the community. There is a big difference between people who smack their children and those who physically abuse them, imo. Unfortunately, the anti-smacking lobby lump to the 2 together and that will only conceal real physical abuse, imo.

It's so hard to see these things and not do anything. I was walking in the local shopping centre a couple of years ago and saw a man hit his son (about 8 years old) in the face and make his nose bleed. I was so shocked that I was just frozen to the spot and didn't know what to do. I did consider calling the police but then thought it would probably be hopeless as they would be long gone by the time anyone got there. I couldn't stop thinking about it though and wondering what went on behind closed doors, and then feeling guilty because I hadn't done or said anything. Realisticallly though, what can anyone do in this sort of situation?

Not really Socci, I might if I witnessed something awful but fortunately haven't thus far.

I really wouldn't blink twice at the scenario you described. I do shout at my youngest sometimes(18 month old); it doesn't distress him (he is confident self assured little chappie for just 18 months) but he does take heed.

I rather think that sometimes we are guilty of judging other people's parenting and assuming that our way is the best or in fact the only way of doing it...(note - I'm using 'we' as I am sure I am as guilty of doing this as the next mother)

Just wanted to add, after re-reading post, that ds isn't going through boot camp training!! I only occasionally shout!

can I add that some children are reduced to weeping at the sound of a slightly raised voice, and some will quite cheerfully stand yelling, and still won't take any notice? And sometimes you get both types in the same family, so not always a reflection of how much the child has been yelled at previously.

I have seen loads of posts on here that start

"My 3 yo is so sensitive he/she dissolves into tears if I look at her funny"

So surely some of us must have

"My 3 yo is so blase I could scream in his/her face and she still wouldn't care to take any notice of what I say"

I was the first type of child, my sister was the second.