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Original poster

what do you feel guilty about?

26 replies

Starshine79 · 18/06/2001 22:04

I recently discovered to my horror that the chocolate i was giving my 19 month old daughter was the prime cause of her terrible eczema. Now i feel terribly guilty about giving her it. Now I have decided to ban everyone from giving her chocolate, i only hope she'll grow out of it when she's old enough to enjoy easter.

OP posts:
Bo · 19/06/2001 10:43

I felt desperately guilty when I had my second child. I really wanted and loved hm of course, but when my first wanted me and I just couldn't go to him, and he was crying, I couldn't help but feel,"what have I done to my baby". Hormones I guess, all ok now, glad to report.

Lisa · 19/06/2001 13:31

I felt (and still feel) terribly guilty about the way I felt towards my bd when I was pregnant with her. It was an accidental pregnancy, we were planning to do so much! As my hormones got progressively worse in the latter stages of my pregnancy, my mood swings were terrible! I thought of her as a monster invading me, I hated this thing growing inside me and refused to even think about it at times.

I only got treatment when I ended up in casualty after trying to hurt myself. Luckily she seems fine now, and I am still taking progesterone as I have too much oestrogen in my system (or not enough progesterone, whatever). I love her to bits now and can't envisage life without her. But I still feel so guilty about that time.

Now I'm being made to feel guilty by some friends for deciding that she will be an only child - they don't know half of what I went through, and think I'm being selfish for not providing her with siblings! You just can't win can you?

Lizzer · 19/06/2001 15:02

Hi again Lisa, please don't feel bad about that, I was similar with my bump, now and again I would think "oh, everything would be so much easier if you weren't there" and cry about it all. I'm pretty sure a lot of people with unplanned pregnancies feel the same, it's so overwhelming if it's planned then you have time to get used to the idea not just 7 or 8 months with freaked out hormones to contend with! As long as you are feeling okay now and happy with the way things have turned out- which I totally know you are from all your postings!

I feel guilty that my daughter will grow up without her father (though not guilty that I left him, funnily enough...) and am starting to feel extreme guilt at the thought of leaving her this weekend for my 'big night out' of pubs, clubs and everything!! It's going to be the first time I've left her overnight and I've alreadty gone on about it on another thread - so I'll shut up and try to enjoy myself instead

Original poster
Starshine79 · 19/06/2001 21:45

I don't think your being selfish at all Lisa, it's your descision after all not theirs.

OP posts:
Winnie · 20/06/2001 05:27

Controlled crying makes me feel guilty! It doesn't matter how much I know it works, it doesn't take long, it's for the good of all, it still makes me feel like pooh!

Emmam · 20/06/2001 07:37

I dunno, I remember having a crying fit over our planned pregnancy - 'what have we done' etc. Hormones have a lot to answer for!

I feel guilty about the times I used a dummy to shut my son up. It was only after we decided to ditch it that I realised just how much I'd ram it in his mouth for some peace and quiet.

Star · 20/06/2001 11:02

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Joz · 20/06/2001 11:23

I am feeling horribly guilty at the moment for not spending enough time with my 2 year old. We have just had another baby - 8 weeks ago - and it just seems constant feeding and nappy changing. I can tell Sam is beginning to get a bit fed up by all of this - as before he had undivided attention. His behaviour this last week has been pretty rotten - massive tantrums, one so bad that he manged to break out of his car seat - he seems to have spent an awful lot of time in his cot thinking things over!! I'm feeling guilty about bringing a new baby into his life - daft I know - and being cross and shouting at him all the time.

Star - I am having difficulty getting my toddler to eat anything - how did you get over it. I am sure that;s waht makes his moods worse - he must be starving!

Azzie · 20/06/2001 11:23

Lisa, my son was an accident and I felt dreadfully resentful towards him when I was pregnant, but once I saw him it all changed. When I fell pregnant with my daughter (a totally planned pregnancy) I thought I would be fine, but experienced many of the same feelings over again. Hormones have a lot to answer for! Towards the end of the pregnancy the midwife and doctor kept telling me that the baby was still breech, and I became really depressed about the prospect of having a C-section (don't know why, really). I kept bursting into tears in car parks, supermarkets etc, couldn't relate to the baby inside me at all, and worried that I wouldn't be able to love it. Eventually my husband persuaded me to talk to the doctor (who was great) and she sent me to the maternity hospital to discuss trying to turn the baby. They did a routine scan which showed that my daughter wasn't breech at all, and I immediately felt 100% better. However, I still worry that being so stressed during the pregnancy will have affected my daughter insome way. And I can't believe that I ever thought I might not be able to love her!

Azzie · 20/06/2001 11:32

Joz - my son was just 2 when I had my daughter, and I know just how you're feeling about not being able to give your son enough time - I felt just the same. However, 19 months down the line I'm so glad I had another child. My son is much much happier as one of two than as an only, and loves having another child around (well, most of the time, anyway!). So just hang in there - remember that before long the baby will start paying attention to his/her big brother, and will probably think he's wonderful, so he'll get lots of attention then. Also, at least your son is young enough that before long he won't really remember what life was like before he had a sibling (my son even thinks that he and his sister were in my tummy together, and could talk to one another, before he was the first one to come out!)

Cawthorne · 20/06/2001 12:11

I'm pregnant with number two and my husband and I both felt guilty for the first couple of months for feeling that we wanted another child since our son is so happy and easy going. Having got over that I guess it will all go pear shaped again when the baby arrives 2 weeks before his 2nd birthday !
The most ridiculous guilt I have is when my son has spent an afternoon dashing round the garden having a great time with his friends and I've sat gossiping with the mums I feel bad that I haven't spent any 'quality' time with him. I don't feel guilty that he's at creche when I'm at work because I know he loves it. Its almost as if he can have a good time when I'm at work but that I can't have a good time unless it revolves around him.

Binza · 20/06/2001 12:19

Everything - Catholic you see.

Joz · 20/06/2001 12:40

Thanks for the words of encouragement azzie!I'm sure things will get better - I think alot of it is to do with his age aswell - talk about jekyl and hyde!! 2 - what a dreadful age!

Lisa · 20/06/2001 13:07

Thanks Lizzer - I'm sure your daughter will be fine! We left mine with his mum for our 2nd anniversary, she was 9 months. I worried all night about her and felt guilty that I was having such a good time without her! However when we went to pick her up, she didn't seem at all pleased to see us!
She much prefers her granny to being at home with us - she has a large farm with lots of animals whereas we have a small 2up 2down with one parrot!

Make the most of your night of freedom!

P.S. It's your ex who is missing out!

Star · 20/06/2001 13:09

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Lisa · 20/06/2001 13:10

Ooh, by the way. Because of my experiences of pregnancy, I did a website to help other mothers who have unplanned pregnancies. Part of my site does go on about antenatal depression as I think it is something more doctors, midwives and HVs should be aware of. Would any of you who experienced this be willing to share your stories? The site is at www.unplannedpregnancies.freeservers.com

Thanks.

Knakered · 20/06/2001 14:55

I felt guilty about the time that I could nt give to my 2 year old when the 2nd was born. Before that I felt guilty that he had been full time in nursery - especially as for the first week of my mat leave he just sat on my lap an hugged me. Now as I am expecting my third I feel guilty that I have a short fuse and am not agile for my 2 year old and terrified that my 10 month old will loose out when number three turns up in 6 weeks....guilt guilt guilt....is it just an expression of love?

Winnie · 20/06/2001 14:59

Guilt seems to just come with the territory!

Chelle · 21/06/2001 02:10

I feel guilty that I go to work and Tom has to go to daycare, even though he can't wait to get there and has a wonderful time!

I feel guilty whenever I'm flat out, don't have time to cook and open a jar of food for him instead of home cooking!

I feel guilty whenever I'm rushing around trying to get to work, or housework done, or whatever, and Tom looks up at me with big, sad eyes, holds his arms up and says "cuggle (cuddle) mummy"!

My MIL makes me feel guilty for not having an immaculate home and for not ironing all Tom's clothes!

It's pretty sad, but I feel guilty for just about everything I don't do, and some of the stuff I do do, but think I'm not doing right!!!

Zaria · 21/06/2001 13:51

I feel guilty that I have to go to work, and can't pick the children up from school. I can't go along and help with school trips, swimming lessons etc, and when they get invited out after school to their friends' houses, it just makes the logistics harder to manage.

It is not until I get home at 6 that we can start to think about reading practice or other bits of homework - and by then we are all tired and don't feel like it.

What makes it worse is that I feel a bit resentful of my husband for starting his own business, which is why we need my income.

Batters · 21/06/2001 14:55

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Joe · 21/06/2001 17:43

I try really hard not to feel guilty about anything, though maybe now again I have guilt pangs about things that pop up but they dont last. I have devoloped a very much 'sod it' attitude. Im a bit of a thinker and if I allowed guilty feelings to stay in my head I dont think I would have many nice thoughts and my smile would go. Lifes too short and we all try and live it the best way we can.

Tireless · 22/06/2001 09:49

What do i feel guilty about.....??

I feel guilty that i shout too much; I don't play with them as often as they would like me to; I snap when i'm tired and stressed. I've said and done things that i wish i could "take back"

But i love them more than anything and they tell me they love me. We have more good times than bad. We have more laughter than tears. We play every day even if only for a while. So why do i continue to feel guilty? Because i'm a loving caring mother who wants to be perfect but can't be. So they, and i will just have to accept "good enough" mother, just like everybody else!! You see it's all a matter of getting things into perspective!!

Lisa · 22/06/2001 13:16

Lizzer - forgot to ask, how was your weekend away?

Tigermoth · 22/06/2001 16:20

Yes, Batters and Tireless, I know that feeling of shame when you have succumbed to having a good shout at your child and a while later they tell you that they love you.

And then I feel guilty if the next thing that pops out of my mouth is another scold as in 'OK, but why did you do etc..'

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