Am I being unreasonable?

[chicagomum]

I'll try to make this as short as poss, i've just got of the phone to my mil - we are currently in usa for 6 months she's in uk - they are due to visit us in a few weeks for 2.5 weeks and i've just found out through her that my husband has told them its ok for them to stay with us rather than pay for a hotel, without even discussing it with me!!!! in addition she phones nearly everyday saying things like "the hildren won't remember me by the tiime we visit etc etc" what makes it worse is theat they (usually) live 5 minutes down the road from us and see the kids 3/4 times a week, whereas my parents live a couple of hours away and see them about once a month. I feel that they atre my children first and grandchildren second, do you think i'm being unreasonable and fell this way becuase she's an inlaw and not a "real" relative or am i justified in feeling this way, in addition am i right to feel angry with dh and feel he should be on my side (needs to cut the apron strings a bit) or am i putting him in an awkward position (between a rock and a hard place so to speak).

ok so it's not so short but i needed a bit of a rant

chicagomum, I feel for you!

I can see the point that they're coming a long way and it's obviously cheaper for them to stay with you, but your husband should have asked you first!

Maybe the best thing you can do when they get there is to give them a load of stuff on places to go, things to see during their stay. Say breezily, 'oh you must see such-and-such while you're here!' Just to give you a respite for a few hours.

Will your dh be around much while they're visiting?

get this! dh said he has arranged some time of work whilst they are here as he and fil are planning to play golf ARGGGGH!!!!

reading your further comments -yes, your pils do sound stifling. Yes, the checking the nursery thing is a step too far I agree and I can see why you feel dh's apron strings need loosening.

But still...
they're coming all the way to the US to see the kids and you and your dh because they love you all. They are your family now (and blood relatives to your kids for whatever that is worth). Are you able to see any positives in having their help and companionship for 2 weeks while your dh is at work? Could you ask them to do a bit of babysitting and let you and dh out to play? Really you are lucky - make the most of them while you can.

the thing is this is their holiday for the year as she keeps pointing out to me so they are planning to got out in the evening once the kids are in bed to restaurants/theatre etc. in additiondd is enrolled in a summer camp 3 days a week providing her with much needed interaction with other kids and mil wants me to take her out of it during their stay so because otherwise "she will miss out on seeing her for 8 days of their stay" doesn't that seem selfish of her - she's putting her wants infront of my daughter)

OK had time to think about it and i guess i'm throwing this all out of proportion, i guess i should be glad she wants to spend time with g. kids, as someone pointed out not all g.parents do it was just the shock of finding out what dh had done (combined with 3 virtually sleepless nights due to ds teething, along with the abscence of dh's support whilst in a strange place) that has tipped me over the edge into the ranting ,whinging daughter in law you see before you

just when i'm feeling guily about making all this fuss my mil has phoned again asking if we can host a dinner whilst they are here on their behalf for some distant cousins of her's that live locally as the cousin in question has many food allergies so doesn't like to eat out at resturants!!

Total sympathies Chicagomum. I hate being decended on by relatives with no say in the matter too. The bottom line is that they upset your plans and make you seethe with resentment if they don't consult you and negotiate a time that suits you as well as themselves, IME. Believe me, I've really been there and I find it infuriating and, frankly, rude for people to invite themselves round for days on end without checking that it's a good time for me and mine too. Does sound like your dh was the one who f**d up here though- he should have said he needed to talk with you to find a good time. All my sympathy- it's so hard finding positives when you've been cut out of the process like that.

add an s

I'd stand firm on the summer camp for your dd. Mil will see her in the morning and evening, won't she?

Perhaps you could ask mil to cook the dinner for the cousins she wants to invite? And hire the extra glassware, crockery etc...

ChicagoMum - I can quite see how the context of her interfering behaviour at home are colouring this - as id=s the fact that YOUR parents are staying in a hotel,a dnthe fact that she is clearly a right madam! Host a dinner indeed. Actually, I think you should say no to that. Say you REALLY don't have the pans, plates, cutlery etc because you are in a basic apartment, and it is going to be hard enough spreading what you do have amongst you when you have guests.

I think you HAVE to make it clear that if they are staying with you, they DO do some babysitting - their time with their gc can't ONLY be on their own terms and conditions. Could you say, v assertively 'oh, I've made plans to do this one week and that another week, as it's such a treat to be able to go out, we don't know anyone here yet who can babysit, I know you'll be pleased to do it', AND if she will have the children in the day, use that time to do your own thing.

It may be that your own parents genuinely prefer not to be crammed in amongst kids, etc, so don't take the difference to heart too much.

I think your DH does need to recognise how far his Mum impinges on your space - the 'day off' stuff back home is too much.

Would it help to start planning in advance to head off her approaches - always have plans (even if a bit fictional), have an answer at the ready, etc.

Good luck!

having slept on it i've decided that i'm wasting too much energy these days on this subject i have 2 fabulous kids and have been provided a great opportunity with this stay in usa and its only for a couple of weeks. we'll deal with life back in the uk later in the year

Just one last comment. This is not your problem alone to solve. You and your spouse have to talk, alot, and get some ground rules between yourselves about grandparents roles in your family. He needs to support you more. You are allowed to say no to her when she crosses a boundary that that you and spouse have agreed, Example, one call per week, one visit per weekend or every second weekend. Hubby is to tell her as it's his mom . She will put up a fuss but eventually live with it. But don't nitpick, pick the big battles then ignore the small digs and annoyances. As long as she is a postive influence on your kids, then she can be part of their lives but you guys are the parents and have the right to set up your family life as you see fit and the grandparents have to fit into your family life, not disrupt it. It just a boundary issue, set the rules with them, welcome them when they come but be firm when they try to cross the line. Sorry this is so long. And again, start with dh and get him to support you 100% on this. It may take a while, but I did it with a very dificult mil, and, while she isn't thrilled, she does respect our family boundaries and we in return try to let her know we respect her role as our children's grandmother ( but not their "other" mother as she tried to convince me when my first child was born, quickly put that theory to rest and let her know me, and me alone, was the mum. Don't recall her there during labour sharing the pain. This baby was mine!) But time has passed and we get along ok now and my kids enjoy their time with her.

Agree with blu and christie that your MIL can't dictate how and when she sees her granchildren. You can't dance to her tune for the whole two weeks. You must make firm plans of your own and get her babysitting her grandchildren at mutually conveninet times, so you can have some time away.

I think it would be fair if your dh also took time off work to see his mother, not just his father. His mother might be hurt anyway if she can never see him alone.

I also think you should have a desperate 'Plan C' in the background - ie a sudden migrane attack that puts you out of action for a day while everyone get on with life for instance - so it it all gets too much, you can retreat. It may be a good idea to explain 'plan C' to your dh - or then again, not. You decide

I too would feel invaded if suddenly told that my inlaws were staying for two weeks without me being consulted. Anyway, now you have the chance to work on the details and right the balance. Good luck!

had a long discusion with dh last night and explained that i am tired of constantly feeling resentful about his mother as its not fair on me or him (as she is his mother after all) but once again she did something yesterday to make my blood boil. Whilst we are out of the country my sil is house sitting for us (particularly as we have 2 cats) my mil has a dog and had someone lined up to house sit whilst she is visiting us but this fell through she got my sil (she didn't have the curtesy to phone herself) to say is it ok if my dh's grandmother stays in our house to free my sil up to look after her parents house - now i know my mother in law doesn't want the grandmother looking after the her house as she has locked herself out , flooded the bathroom etc ( don't you think its a cheek to expect someone to do something you yourself aren't prepared to do, plus the fact that her daughter isn't really avaliable to do this favour as she is already "commited" to us

That's outrageous! What did your dh say about that, and indeed the whole issue? oooh, she's a so and so, and no mistake.

LOL Tigermoth - the despparate Plan C is a great idea!

dh came home from work and told me this (his sister phined him there) he said he then phoned his mum to talk to her about it and said that he wasn't particularly keen in the idea but he would have to talk to me (so now it will look like me causing the problem) at which point i have to admit i lost my cool and told him to get a back bone where his mother is concerned (then felt veryguilty about that and we sat down and had one of those long hubby/wife discussions, so hopefully he's going to try and make the situation better and i'm going to try to let things wash over me a bit

That is overstepping now chicagomum.
I think that both you and dh need to say no to her. ie. no it isn't really convenient to host a dinner party, we only have minimal cutlery etc now and will be stretched with you staying.
No I would like to have some one to one time today with dd so maybe we can see you next week.
Definately no to SIL not house sitting.
If things are just water off a ducks back she won't get offended.
I wouldn't hesitate to have relatives stay and had both my parents and dh's parents stay when dd was born in a one bedroom flat (they were on the couch)...but they pulled their weight, didn't expect to be weighted on and we both dh and I would say something if this ended up being the case.

wish me lick the in laws arrive tommorow

i mean luck!!!

DH should have discused it with you first out of respect for certain.

As long as you MIL is respectful to you and your DH while staying at your home there shouldn't be a problem.

Could you ask your DH to take a few days off work to help host the stay or have him help with stuff when he gets home more since they are his parents?

As far as grandparents 2nd, you are right if they interfere with your parenting they are crossing the line, but if they are just spoiling and loveing then you should have no worries.

gosh, fairly old thread.

ILoveUmama the visit has been and gone I think.

How did the visit go Chicagomum?

I agree with Blu, Tigermoth and Chuffed but then I actually do get a migraine if I see too much of my MIL.

I think you need to start putting your foot down with your DH. My view is that MIL is his mother not yours and so if she is around it should be him entertaining her and not you. If my MIL phones and DH is in I hand the phone to him. I go out as much as possible so she can spend time with DH and DC without me getting between them.

We spent 2 years in the US and our apartment would not have afforded the personal space required for a 2 week stay from inlaws so they happily stayed in hotel across the road when they came to visit new grandchild. My DH took time off work for their whole visit and between them all gave me a lovely break. They also babysat to let us go out as a couple. Just telling you this so you have a benchmark of the other way of doing things. When my mother visited she did stay with us but my DH just went to work as normal and got the opportunity to do his own thing in the evening with work mates etc.

Could you use Skype to let MIL see more of DCs. We do this and it has the added advantage that DH is in charge of such technological matters so I am not involved!

when I said fairly old, I didn't realise it was 2005!