Clean and tidy obsessive - small messy children - constant tension and misery

[handlemecarefully]

I am a real stickler for a clean and tidy house. Yes, perhaps it is almost to the point of obsession...and as a mum to a nearly 3 year old and a 13 month old struggle with this all the time.

They both make a huge mess (though mostly 13 month old) and I am perpetually tidying up. My friends say fgs leave it - but I can't. Unless everything is show house perfect at the end of the day it eats away at me and niggles, and niggles and niggles. I often don't sit down until 22.30 at night because I am tidying up until then. (Before anyone asks, I find time to post on mumsnet when I am at work for 20 hours per week - actually on the days I work life is far easier because house doesn't get trashed)

It makes me a bit miserable at times because I feel that I am always skivvying (and this is with the input of a cleaner for 6 hours per week!)

It won't help to tell me to:

get a life, there are more important things to worry about

or

fgs snap out of it

because it's not through conscious personal choice like I am like this.

Is anyone out there similarly afflicted by this near obsession - and what successful strategies have you used to conquer it (i.e. has anyone successfully schooled themselves to live with more mess without angst?)

i have a friend like this. she is also constantly stressed and lots of misery in the house. tension etc.
one of her strategies is to just not be in the house. she is either at work and the kids at school nursery childminders. or she gets the kids up at practically the crackk of dawn and takes them out. somewhere anywhere all day long.
complete obsessive compulisive

I could have written this post.

My two are 5 & 22 months. I won't leave the house unless it's all tidy to the point that sometimes if i can't get it done i don't go out at all.

Luckily for me Dh is quite similar. I am a SAHM so that gives me more time to get it done though on the flip side it means i'm always surrounded by the mess!

My Mil has the children once a week now so i can get all the cleaning jobs done & i just try to keep on top of the mess. I do find the mess isn't as bad when i'm playing with my children as like someone else said it's controlled mess. Though i can see how that can be difficult with the ages of your children.

It has to get easier........doesn't it ???

moomin, thanks for your post. Funny when you put it like that, tidiness doesn't seem so important. If I died tomorrow I'd hate my children to think of me as a tidiness obsessive. I will take deep breaths on re-entry to the house after my WOTH days and force myself not to focus on tidying up until after they are asleep.

I'm like you, but i get worse when pregnant and 'nesting'. I even started a thread last week about how frustrating it is having to tidy up after dd and dh all the time, think you may have responded. Anyway, just thought i'd say i know how you feel and some days feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall!

HMC I am the same!

So far I just have one 2.5 yo but I am expecting no. 2 in four months.

I HAVE to have a tidy house or I feel miserable. Yes there is a big psychological element - I like to have external order because it means I can feel better about any internal disorder.

I also have a DH who feels the same way, so even if I do 'leave' things they get done by him anyway.

At the moment I deal with things by getting the house immaculate after breakfast each morning, then mostly playing in the conservatory and garden. This leaves the lounge tidy.

Everything has a place - toys etc. with lots of storage for this, and it has to be there at the end of the day. I chuck out toys regularly. DD watches telly from 5-6 while I get dinner ready and make the house anally-clean again before DH comes home.

With one it is easy to keep the place show-home-tidy. I don't know how I will cope with two. I shall read this in a year and cry.

Some helpful insights and advice here (plus confessions from other tidy obsessives - always helps to know you are not alone).

Sunchowder - I agree, there is the control thing - I feel more in control and on top of things when everything is orderly. I have also felt that my dh dropping his clothes in a pile on the floor is showing disrepect to me - whereas my rational mind tells me it is nothing of the sort; just that he has a different threshold for tidyness and doesn't see it as something to get het up about.

Fran1 - I like your idea of structure. I might have a hard and fast rule like your no tidying in the evenings; perhaps I'll have a 9.00 o' clock watershed - no housework after 21.00.

Noddyholder - at first I was taken aback by your post, but then I was grateful that you put it in such a direct way. As you say your mum's cleaning and tidying obsession had a profound and negative effect on you; I don't want my children resenting me for this so thanks for pointing this out. Do you feel a lot of anger towards your mum for this - what impact did it have on you?

Moomin, thanks to you too for putting it so starkly. No, if I was to die tomorrow I wouldn't want my children's lasting memories to be of a tidy freak. I'd want them to remember how we baked cakes together, or messed about in the garden playing football etc

I've taken something constructive from every one of these posts...and I've made a start tonight - I'm upstairs on mumsnet, having left dirty pots in the sink until tomorrow morning!

But to those of you who have never been really affected by a tidyness obsession, believe me, it is very difficult to let go! So I'd say Noddyh - although I don't know all the circumstances - maybe cut your mum a little slack; she might not have been able to help herself!(hope I haven't said anything too out of line on that one)

Good for you HMC, keep us posted!

Thanks sunny, I will

Well done, you passed stage 1 of therapy Thats assuming you still havn't washed those pans!

Does this ring any bells with you handlemecarefully. When i was bad pre-children, if i noticed something that needed cleaning in the room e.g dusty skirting board or smear on window, i had to clean the entire room - couldn't just clean the one bit i was noticing. I had to hoover dust scrub and polish everything in the room. And that is exactly why i was spending my entire time cleaning! cos of course every day you see the odd bit here and there that needs doing.

So now i have learnt, and probably due to not having the time, to just clean the bits i can see.

Hey guys. I’m new to this forum and I know that this thread has not been used for over a year but I really need some help 😢
Like the lady who initially started this thread, my obsession with a neat and tidy home is ruining my relationship with my family and I don’t know how to stop it. It’s not so much the cleanliness that I obsess over (although my house is exceptionally clean), what I mean is you won’t catch me cleaning my toilet more than once a day,but omg if something is out of place, my anger and rage just takes over. I feel like I’m possessed by something the way I react. I have 2 daughters, 8 amd 2 amd a partner. My iniability to relax with the day to day toys/usual family mess is impacting greatly in our bond as I am always shouting and screaming about it. I’m in tears here because I dont want to be this way. I hardly let my children play with their toys and rather them play on phones/iPads but then I get angry with myself as I know this is not healthy. This has got worse since having my second daughter and the tension in my house is nothing short of horrific. They all walk on eggshells around me. The warm loving mother I once was had been Replaced by an uptight, constantly stressed out,shouty, not nice person 😢 Does anyone have any advice apart from going to see my GP which I’m doing this week. I find it impossible to just go out all day as I can’t leave the house until everything is in order. I’m currently a student and go to uni 3 times a week and I am a different person when I am not at home. As soon as I return I’m back to grumpy pants. My partner and oldest daughter resent me so much and only so long before my youngest does too. Anyone been in the
Same Circumstances?