Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts. I haven't yet seen Tom's wife Ann, my DH suggested that I shouldn't go round last night because I was a bit tired and emotional, I was at work until 1.30 today and rang the bell then (stomach churning) but no-one answered.
Sorry, I should have said initially that Tom was nearly 60 and his 2 sons are 25 and 29, so not little lads any more but of course no less upset for that - the younger son lives away and my DS saw him arriving last night in tears.
I really will do my very best to listen and help, we have always got on very well but they are local and have lots of friends so won't be short of people to talk to. We live in a terrace and it's funny how rarely you see your next-door neighbours, unless you're both outside - in fact apparently on Wed evening, when DH brought DD2 home from band practice, Tom was standing outside, and she heard him saying to DH that the depression was much much worse this time than before; I was surprised to hear that he was outside then as it was dark...who knows what's been going through his mind?
DS1 slept badly last night and was subdued this morning, but seemed OK. DS2 started out sad and thoughtful but livened up as younger kids can. DD1 (in Leeds) had heard about first the suicide and then Tom's disappearance from DS1 so she went through it with us - DD2 had been at work all evening (waiting on) and knew nothing about Tom until she came home. I have been trying really hard all morning not to think about it but can't help it, the knowledge just keeps creeping around the edges of my consciousness, I'm hoping it will have been easier for the boys to ignore it.
DS2 said this morning "what if Tom hadn't gone for that walk?" so I had to tell him that when somebody feels so bad they can't see any hope ahead they get very determined to die and if not one way then they will find another, like pills or something.
He did have his ECT yesterday morning and should have been kept in after it (and always when he was given it last time he was depressed he was very groggy and drowsy) but insisted on coming home and I don't think they can legally make someone stay without sectioning them? I can imagine all the "what if's" going through Ann's mind.
And we don't know for certain that it really was suicide, although the 2 previous attempts lately do seem to point that way; I wonder whether he even really knew who he was or where he was - there are houses now across the road but before they were built there were allotments there, and Tom used to have one, and at that time trains only ran up that line twice a day, the regular Sprinter service was only reintroduced a few years ago...I don't know what effect ECT has on the brain, could he have been in a different time in his head and looking for his allotment or just aimlessly wandering on the line not expecting a train?
It is a terrible waste, he was a lovely man, he was a landscape gardener and used to work dawn till dusk all year round (which possibly wasn't a good idea, he hadn't had a holiday for years and used to stand at the window and fret on really wet days that stopped him working, but nobody could make him stop), he always came home for his tea at 5.30 and went out again at 6.30, you could set your watch by him, if DH was around he would always have a lovely dirty joke for him. Still can't believe he's gone.