how do you split household bills... urgent advice needed

[connyflower]

going through a bit of a tough patch with dp at the moment about money, can you just let me know how you sort your money out! any ideas welcome! at the minute i think its unfair how we do it as hes always left with money at end of month for going out ... lads holidays even! and i dont have anything, in my opionion ...correct me if you think im wrong but i think when your living together in a reationship if one persons skint both are and vice versa if ive got extra cash i wouldnt see him staying in cos he had no cash! any advice welcome...please let e know how youz do it? im going to print this out to show dp

[Caligula]

Sorry, I just think if one partner is broke and one partner is flush, then there is no partnership. You are not his partner under that financial arrangement, you're something else. Partners share.

[wild]

I mean, it's easy to say of course share everything
but if you have a dp who is reluctant ...

[colditz]

I have to be very hard hearted when it comes to our incomes.

Myself and my partner have seperate incomes, both about the same, both slightly above minimum wage.

We have the same outgoings, because that is how I have arranged the finances.

What upsets me, and makes me certain we will never have a joint bank account, is the fact that at the end of the month, I have money left, and my partner is in debt and asking me for money.

It really bothers me, I am not his mum, he should be able to budget on what he has left, I manage!

So I have started saying "NO"! He gets paid on fridays, money is gone by sunday, now it's just tough titty! I used to bail him out all the time, and he was spending more of my money than I was!

[nailpolish]

we have joint acc but as i say it laziness to change

although we do both have cards for each others accounts

i think its nice to still have your 'own' money sounds daft but if i buy dh a pressie i dont want him to know how much it was

realistically we dont have any money anyway, and i always say i dont worry about money cos theres none to worry about!

[connyflower]

no he earns quite a bit more than me at the minute especially with overtime ect

[connyflower]

im really careful with money so he can trust me and everything i have is spent on house food and us so not like id go out spending his cash this isnt why i want it joined.... dont want people 2 think im just after his cash cos he gets more than me!

[wild]

could you sit him down and talk?
bearing in mind that money can be an emotive issue, you need to establish what each other's attitudes are and try to agree a solution
There is no way you can force someone to share

[wild]

no of course no one would think that
some people have deeply ingrained ideas about money
I know with dp its bound up with security and providing for us, I still find him v selfish sometimes, he does have the lads rugby trips etc then again he does pay for all family hols too cos I don't have cash for any trimmings
Is dp easy to talk with?

[wordsmith]

Everything's joint in our house, although at the mo this mainly means joint debts not joint income as we are both self-employed and earning virtually zilch at the mo.

If you have kids then you have probably agreed an arrangement about looking after them which probably involves one partner more than the other. This then impinges on the earning ability of the one who is taking the lion's share of childcare duties, so the one who is working f/t can't expect the other one to contribute as much as he/she (probably he) can.

Is this a (hopefully) permanent partnership - are you a family or just two single people with one caring for a child? If the former then I have to agree with Gdg - I really can't understand why everything can't go into one pot and be drawn upon as required. That doesn't mean you can't each take out pocket money every week to spend on bits and pieces.

Sorry if this has offended anyone but it seems to simple to me.

[connyflower]

dp doesnt do talking at all its really his way or no way he aint good with compromising! but we really have hit rock bottom and if we dont talk we wont stay together any longer! ive put up with his for over a yr and cant do it any more so if our talk doesnt work unfortunatly we are going to have to go our seperate ways, harsh as it might seem but it really gets me down and i cant stand arguing over money makes me feel mean!

[bossykate]

good for you, connyflower. i couldn't stay in a relationship like this either.

[wild]

that's what I suspected, like my dp
fwiw I would think carefully about having children unless and until you can agree some changes it could leave you frightfully skint if dp won't pull his weight

[Gizmo]

Yeah this whole money thing is a bearpit isn't it? Because it really gets to the whole roots of what your personal aspirations are, how you work together as a couple, what you value in life.

To me it sounds like you have (lucky you) a belief in a true romantic partnership where both parties share resources totally. And perhaps your partner likes that in theory, but when it comes to the practicalities, like him not having as much money for going out, it doesn't seem such a good idea?

That's kind of difficult and I can see how it might hurt your feelings. The pragmatic solution is probably to go down the joint account + pocket money route, but I guess then you end up in arguments about how much pocket money each partner gets per month....

Sorry...this is turning into a stream of consciousness. How about...you get less pocket money than your partner IF he spends some of the difference on taking you out for nice romantic nights out/weekends away or some joint hobby/interest you can both do?

In any event, you definitely need to have a detailed and serious discussion about it. It can be fun, making budgets and plans for what you want to do as a family/couple, so it doesn't have to be a row, but unless you get down to the nitty gritty of what both of you want to contribute to the relationship and take out then it's going to keep coming back round and annoying you, I think

[connyflower]

yeah i know wild thats what worries me! going to have a talk over weekend!

[wild]

Good luck !

[connyflower]

Gizmo youve hit the nail right on the head, i am going to show him all the resonces that have been posted! he says its old fashioned and people just dont do it anymore, you lot have proved otherwise! cheers

[Gizmo]

Connyflower you are not mean. Looking after money is like looking after your health, and no-one criticises you for eating healthily, do they?

Like I said, the money is really only a reflection of where your priorities are. If his priorities are to put his going out money ahead of your relationship and yours are to put the relationship ahead of your going out money, it doesn't take a genius to see a long term source of resentment and trouble, unless both of you can reach a workable compromise.

And for sure: don't have kids - cos this is only a small example of the sort of compromises that couples have to make when there are children involved.

[connyflower]

thankyou everyone WOW what a responce! will let you know what happens and fingers crossed we sort this out before we end up splitting up over it

[flamesparrow]

Haven't read whole thread.. thought I'd answer main question...

All our money goes into one account, and we pay from there. If we need money for other things (nights out, new bras etc) we just discuss and take it from joint account. Only gift money is kept seperate.

We don't have any his and hers money, and it seems to work well.

[piffle]

I am a SAHM
I get an amount each month (into our joint a/c)when dh gets paid, to do the household shopping, he pays all the other bills.
To be honest it's plenty, if we go out he pays, but it's our money IYKWIM, there is no secrecy or this is mine I'm keeping it.
My mum left my father as he would not share his wages with her, when she found out the truth about how much he earned when the divorce came through she flipped, it was 3x as much as she had thought.

[Bozza]

Actually conny I think his attitude of leaving the little woman short while he's out on the beer is the old-fashioned one.

[connyflower]

i think that aswell but hey who am i everytime money is mentioned in our house it ends in a HUGE fight i end up calling him names like GREEDY.... TIGHT which i hate doing cos he does give me so much in other ways so it aint fair on my part i now that it wrong it just makes me so mad, i'll show him this and see if he can she why i'm standing my ground on this one!

[marialuisa]

We have a complicated, but fair system whereby we each have exactly the same "pocket money" every month. It took ages to work out the initial spreadsheets though!

[hoxtonchick]

that's how it works with us marialuisa. dp earns much more than me, but we both put a set amount into the joint account each month so that we have equal pocket money left in our personal accounts. all the bills, mortgage, nursery fees, food etc etc are paid from the joint account. it means that dp puts a much higher percentage of his earnings into the joint account. i never seem to have enough pocket money though....