Would you be disappointed with this party arrangement?

[Strugglingforanamechange]

My Mum is turning 70 next weekend. Ideally I would have booked a lovely family getaway but my husband and eldest son are farmers and we are lambing so going away is just not possible.
For the same reason even going for a family meal out would be difficult.
I had a brainwave of hosting an elegant dinner party at my home: everyone dresses up, champagne and canapés, choice of mains with elegant sides and a lovely birthday cake which I’m having made.
Then an evening of cocktails, games and a nice cheeseboard.
BUT I’m now second guessing myself. Is that a rubbish 70th birthday? She keeps asking for hints as to what we’re doing…just worried she’ll turn up and be disappointed.
For context my Dad was 70 three years ago and Jan and we went for a family meal then went to Gran Canaria in February.
We are planning to give my Mum a gift of a holiday too but no plans for a family getaway as such.

Im going to be the voice of dissent. I think if your dad got a meal out and a family holiday and your mum gets a meal at home, with you cooking so not full on chatting to her, and a holiday but not with you, it’s a bit of a let down.
is it going to feel special to get dressed up to eat at home? are you an amazing cook that people would enjoy the food?
id be disappointed even if i said nothing. Can you not arrange something for after lambing? Book an afternoon tea somewhere nice for a deferred birthday?

I think the evening you’ve described sounds lovely- my mum would love that!

My only question is- how was your dad’s holiday organised? If it was his idea and he did a lot of the legwork as he wanted to organise a getaway for his birthday, that’s fine that your mum isn’t getting one. Buuut if you organised it all for him and it was a surprise or whatever, is it a bit rubbish that your mum isn’t getting that too?

Your plan sounds fab. Be sure to tell guests in advance to glam up, up, up.

The posh 'uns will tell you that an evening at home allows for a much higher standard of party. (Bring out the '47 port and the '55 Champagne, Carson...)

I hope no lambs go sideways (I've read me Herriott)

She knows we won’t be going away now. She may be expecting a family holiday later in the year but tbh I think she’ll be just as happy with a holiday for just her and my Dad. We’re going to give them a gift voucher so they can book something of their choosing. Her schedule is jam packed: Porta end of April, Canada/ Cruise May & June, Center Parcs Oct. She’s booked and busy.

I get what you’re saying…. Dad’s holiday was a surprise. Mum was involved in planning it.
I would have booked them a lovely holiday but her calendar is so full I struggled to see when I could fit it in.
My brother thinks she won’t want to wait until We can arrange a family getaway.

She’d be furious if we didn’t do anything on her actual birthday!
But I get what you’re saying.
I am a reasonably good cook and I am planning to plate it all up so it looks restaurant quality.
I’ve actually got a couple of quotes for private chefs so may not have left it too late for that after all!

That’s kind of what I guessed would be happening.

So the reality is unlikely to be all of you, and ‘fancy’ it’s going to likely be minus those two for the bulk of the time and them popping in and out with lambing chat in between and in their working clothes.

It’s still a birthday, but it’s not going to be everyone and fancy. Lambing will take centre stage.

Would a meal out minus one / both of them give birthday more centre stage?

I think it sounds lovely, but only you know if your mum will be happy. My MIL for example would quietly hate this, and would probably feel obliged to help wash up etc if it were in our house. And I agree with PP above - if your DH/DS are popping in and out with their farming clothes on, it’ll take away the focus from your mum. How many guests are you planning? If there are lots of GC would it matter so much if your DH/DS can’t attend? I couldn’t imagine my mum losing any sleep over my DH not being at her party for example.

It honestly sounds wonderful op, I hope you all have a lovely evening. Is there any local teenagers you know that could use some extra money and serve drinks and canapés? Take coats that sort of thing.

I am inclined to agree with @TofuTuesday

Personally, I think the evening sounds lovely, and understandable if it means you dh and ds can be there for part of it, but not there if you went to a restaurant.
But If my dd had given my dh a meal out and then a family holiday away, abroad for the same birthday quite recently, I would feel quite sad if I weren't afforded the same - even if it were an IOU for taking the holiday at a time that fits in with your seasons as farmers.

Oh, and, as an aside, I'm surprised you were all able to leave a sheep farm in February to go away, as lambs are arriving then, usually.

You need to get your mum a family holiday as well . Get your dad to clear some dates in her calendar You can tell her it's fir a holiday and leave the destination as a surprise

That sounds lovely although hiring a private caterer might make it that bit more special if its in your budget. It would also enable you to relax and leave the arrangements to someone else. Your relatives will be awre that you cant leave the farm at this important time. A holiday later in the year will be something to look forward to. Enjoy!

I guess a lot depends on how knowledgeable and appreciative your mum is of the lambing situation, and what your mum actually enjoys.

In all honesty, if it was me I would feel disappointed with this. A meal in at a family member’s home, even if dressing up, is something I would do on any other Sunday or whenever. For a ‘big’ birthday I would hope to be treated to somewhere different.

Are there no farming friends available to cover your DH for a day? Or couldn’t your DH and son manage while you take your mum out for a special birthday day?

We are hill farmers so tend to lamb a bit later than those you will typically see in fields appearing early as Jan.
I will take on board what you’ve said and revisit the plans for a family holiday in Feb.
my brother feels she won’t want to wait but I’m not sure now.
I am looking into the possibility of a private chef so that will up the ante a bit I feel.

Ah this is my worry!
maybe the private chef idea will elevate it above an “ordinary” Saturday?
at a pinch we could leave my brother in law to mind the place but he also has his own lambing to do so there’s always a risk he gets caught up at his own place and missed something at ours.
my Mum would prefer we are all together so leaving dh or ds at home isn’t an option no.

I've offered my mum the choice of a home cooked meal or a meal out for her birthday this year and she decided she'd prefer me to cook. I've given her my proposed menu in advance to check she's happy with it (she's delighted) and got some special wine in. My mum values being with family and food cooked with love (I'm a decent cook but nothing spectacular). Your idea of a delicious meal at home sounds wonderful.

Why does it have to be a surprise?

Can't you tell her what you have planned and ask her if she's happy with it? Or if she'd rather just have a standard meal at your house on her bday and you save the money to go out for a nice meal after lambing season is over?

I would ask her what she wants and do that, it is her birthday

I think it sounds lovely. A private chef would be the icing in the cake. Go overboard on decorations - candles to make it a restaurant feel - tall plants with fairy lights on outside your front door. You could even hire a local teen as a waiter, and a carpet runner as a red carpet for her at the entrance!

This might be one where it’s worth a conversation. Yes, takes the surprise out slightly but if it’s a short list of;

Lambing and your birthday line up beautifully. I’ve got a plan for a rather elegant dinner party at ours on your birthday, that Joe and Sam can dip in and out of. Or we could go out to X without them. Or go out all together after lambing.

I agree with this. Get her input before you go to a lot of effort.
It's just the disparity between your dad's.
And also...suss out if a voucher or something booked would be better. Maybe your dad could help there.

Something specific booked can be a lot more appealing than a voucher.

I think dinner at home sounds lovely and I don’t think you need a private chef - the effort you’ve gone to yourself to prepare and cook for everyone will mean more to your mother.
For my mum’s 70th I did a tea party and it was the little details that really pleased her - pretty napkins, linen tablecloth, beautifully set table, flower arrangements, personalised birthday cake, tasteful decorations (pastel bunting) etc. Thoughtful, beautifully wrapped presents too.
If your mother wants a holiday too maybe your present to her could be a mini break away with you at a later date?
I would keep it as a surprise too - otherwise you’re putting the burden of deciding what to do onto your mother.

There have been some real disappointments with private chefs on here not turning up, or arriving late etc...so definitely do your research if you go that route

This sounds much better than a meal out to me... Tis is more personal, and more relaxed time with you!

For me, time with my kids is the most important thing, and if I could have my wish, time alone just with my adult child would be the best treat I could ask for. Can you take your mum for a short trip, just you and her? Much as I love my DIL and SIL (and would love my potential future grandchildren), time alone with my own children would be the most special treat.