Had a HUGE row with my mother - advice needed HELP

[Girly]

I really am angry, my mother came round yesterday as she usually does everyday, or near enough. Her first words were 'look at the mess, lets tidy up' Never mind that we had been having a great time playing picnics with barbie and general mucking about, as you do. My dd is 3 and ds is 8 months, Anyway My M has always been a very controlling sort of person and often takes it upon herself to tell me what to do and how to do it, ie she decided that i had to go to weight watchers with her, because i am too fat.

She always contradicts me in front of my dd and the rest of my large family, ignore my wishes totalliy with regards to the children, does the exact opposite of what i ask, ie i am trying to get dd off the dummy ,we have managed to get it to at bedtime only, dd knows that if she asks Grandma for a dummy she will oblige, so the other day i said no to a dummy and yes Grandma said 'ignore mummy she's just grumpy' and gave her a dummy which i took away, all hell broke lose as you can imagine, She smacks my dd evn though i have asked her not to, this list is endless and this goes on everyday, she moans if she can't get through because i'm engaged etc etc.

The point is yesterday she did it again, contracdicted me in front of dd in MY OWN HOUSE yet again and when i asked her not to she said that i was an unfit mother and that she would take my kids away and call social services because i was incapable of caring for my children because i have band PND which of course I am making up as no one in HER family has mental problems.... I endede up throwing her out of my house and now they keep ringing me and i don't know what to do i am so angry and upset... I need some objective advice pleadse.

I have a simular relationship with my mum. She used to always be critical of me when my twins were born, but never offered any practical help at all.I believe that is the reason I suffered PND, I also agree with whats been said about the closeness, she would not visit every day but was on the phone, every 2 minutes.
Eventually, I snapped and told her exactlly what I thought of her, she went of home and waited for me to apologise, and waited,annd waited.....
In the end she got my dad to come and ask me to apologise, so I explained to him exactly how I felt. He completely agreed, so the whole situation ended up being discussed, with him as a mediator. We did make up, things were strained for a while, but she has not uttered anymore comments and she gives me my space. If she wants to come round and I don't want to see her, I say I'm busy and she backs off.
I would give it some time, for you to cool off and think about what sort of relationship you want with her,also this will enable her to see what she is going to miss, if you cut her off completely, then be completely honest and tell her what you will and will not put up with.
I must say though, my mum has still never given me any credit for having wonderful children,a good pt job and still having a happy and successful marriage. The odd bit of praise would not go a miss.

Would you beleive had another row last night ,this time with dh. He had completely missed the point of the row with my mum and thought it was only about the disciplin issue with dd, i accussed him of sticking his head in the sand when i needed him most, he blew his top, i stormed off, went to the shop bought some fags and smoked 3 one after the other in the car down the road, after an hour i came home to an apologetic and angry (not with me) dh who by now had got the point quite clearly and after a long chat decided that he was going to talk to my mother. She listens to him, and he is not so emotional and quite articulate so if anyone can talk to her its him. He went off, only to come back 30 mins later saying that they would not answer the door, both cars were in the drive and some lights on, they never walk anywhere, so make what you will about this.

I am still angry, its affecting the children, both of whom had a bad night esp dd, ds was quite restless all night, i hate what this is doing to our family.

Girly, sorry things are still bad. My DH never fully understands either, he just says I shouldn't go and stay there for so long next time and he is glad he wasn't there (he prefers just to go for the day).

Just an update on my own situation, my Mum phoned this morning and the first words she said to me were "I'm sorry". She said she didn't mean anything by what she said but when she thought about it she remembered all the little remarks over the past few days and realised it was hurtful. I accepted the apology and hopefully things are OK now. I think this sort of thing will keep rearing its ugly head from time to time but hopefully we have both learned from this.

Girly, I hope things get better for you soon.

Girly, Just read this thread and feel so cross on your behalf. You've been given so much excellent adivce and I hope you can put space between you and your mum and somehow change your relationship with her. It sounds like it's going to be very difficult to do this.

To be honest, I'd be tempted to cut your mother completely out of your life for now - does she really have any useful place in it? Just concentrate on yourself, your dh and children. See how you feel when your PND has gone, and then think about contacting your mum again. Could the enforced break make her see that you mean business more than words alone? If she and your stepfather are not answering the door to your dh, you have the perfect reason not to contact them again for now. I take it your mum pretty much knows how you feel - but has chosen to ignore it.

I have to say I'd rarely give advice like this to anyone, but just reading what you have been through makes me see red!

Update, my stepfather called wanting to talk to me, dh answered and said that i was to angry still to talk tom and would only end up with another row, anyway dh suggested that he go see them because ther are a few things he would like to point out to them, my hero! So here i am sitting, chewing my nails fighting temptation to go out and smoke ( gave up 5 years ago) itys a bit like riding a bike you never forget the buzz you get (from smoking that is). I have never really asked god for help in the past, always been a bit of a non beleiver, but i hope he gives my dh some strength and patience, he's going to need it.

THANKYOU, all of you, your advice and thoughts have helped me enourmously in this horrible situation and has given me the strength not to back down and go crawling back asking for forgiveness that i do not need. I just knew you lot would come up trumps, after this has calmed down a bit i will think about counselling.

Demented, am so glad that your mum has apologised, wish mine would.

Girly, thought I would add to this as I know how you feel, my mother was also very involved in my life when I was younger with children and now that I am the Nannie of my Daughters two year old DD who I mind every day ( for 8 hours ) to let her go to work. I WOULD never do anything that she say's no to " like giving her her dummy " I do feel that I have a lot of the parental control over my grand daughter as her mum is at work but I always talk to my daughter ( each day ) tell her what she has done and said etc, it is hard to remember that DGD is not mine ( I don't think of myself as being old and have been asked many times if I am her mummy ) Talk to your mum and tell her that your there mother and yes you will ask her for advice ( when needed ) you may not alway's take her advice but that is your choice at the end of the day. I also liked to have a tidy house like your mother but I have been quickly reminded of how much mess small children can make and my Grand Daughter is more IMPORTANT to me than any house being tidy, as for throwing her out I would have done the same thing as yourself if someone had told me to what to do or contradicted me to the way I brought my children up.

Good Luck to you and your family with this. problem

My goodness some of the nonsense some of you are having to put up with from your mothers is awful.
My mum is wonderful but we do have an uneasy relationship regards my weight. I got quite fat after having the kids and she would make lots of small hurtful comments just like those described here. I have now lost mmost of my excess weight and she just can't bring herself to compliment me about it. I don't know what it is. She is such a great person and a lovely mum but there is this real "issue" about weight. I think it may be she is torn between NOT wanting me to be fat like her , and being envious of me when I am slim.
I have not told her I went to weightwatchers as I know she would have something negative to say aboiut it.

Well, Dh came home after about 1.5 hours and said that things were quite good, Mum had backed down and agreed to not contracdict, respect my wishes with regards to dummies etc and generally back off, she also said she is proud of me and regularly sings my praises to her friends etc. So we have dealt with the major issues there, but, she will not apologise or accept responsibility for what happened on Thursday, she said she was afraid for dd and that she thought i had lost it and was going to hurt her (dd) AS IF"! which is why she interfered etc etc, dh expalined that this was obviously not the case and that if she valued her relationship with me she would have to agree to disagree on this and leave it there as ther was no way i am going to say sorry. So there we are, stalemate. He also said that we would not play games about visits with the kids but that we should limit contact to twice a week for now, so the kids have gone there for the afternoon.

I have to say that i feel pleased that i have not been brow beaten into apologising etc and for me this is a FIRST, i feel proud that i stood up to her and if that meant hurting her feelings then so be it. I have spent the last 31 years of my life saying sorry for things that are not my doing/fault but not any longer. At last i have some self respect.

Well done Girly. Your dh sounds lovely. Hope it all works out OK.

oh girly, i have just been reading this thread, you sound as though you could be describing my relationship with my mum. I have always said that she is a fantastic nanny, but is lacking in the mum department, i have to constantly put up with comments like "i didn't hear on the news that a bomb hit your place" or why you giving DS that, i had the same thing with the dummy, it is hard because even though we lived 1/2 mile apart before i had my Ds i saw my mum on a weekly/fortnightly basis (which suited us both) but since my DS came along she either phones or comes round daily. I have tried talking to her but she says i am too touchy and refuses to listern, its not just me she is like it with, she tends to rub everyone up the wrong way. through my PND she had my DS on a regular basis (ie a couple of days a week) to help out, so i am very grateful for the valuable time to myself and with my DH, i am sure she used that on me though.

Good for you and your DH, Girly, I hope things continue to get better!

Your dh sounds a gem, girly. Hope things improve now the air is cleared.

Glad you got an apology too,dememted.

Girly, I have been thinking of your situation and wondered if it might help in future if you visit your mum for a few hours, not the other way round. If she starts to get difficult or get under your skin, you can then cut the visit short immediately (politely or not - leave that up to you). Go to see her with a sudden get out excuse up your sleeve. In that way you are might be more in control than if she visits you and you have to wait for her to leave.

Also, this weight thing - my mum did this a little with me - but my theory is that much of it is to do with envy of our youth. I think when you have children, it reminds your mother of their own mortality. They have old age to look forward to, while you are looking forward to seeing your children grow up. I know for a fact that this will get to me if and when my sons and their partners show me their babies. No matter how happy I am to be a grandmother, it will remind me that life will go on without me. I can quite see myself making uncharacteristic jibs at my sons, or daughters-in-law, and weight is an easy target. If someone said to me, you're jealous, I would deny it. I do hope, when my turn comes, that I manage to bite my tongue.