Help please re what to do

[Chinchilla]

I have a question for you all. I am feeling really worried about it now, and winding myself up nicely about it. So...I thought that I would ask all you lovely helpful posters out there for advice. You'll probably think that I have built it all up in my head, but let's see.

I just had a 'phone call from the teacher of the 'Italian for Beginners' course that I am about to start on Thursday. She basically said that, as I lived in her area, would it be ok for a lift to and from the college. I happily said yes, as it will only take me about 1 mile out of my way, but my dh's reaction was one of 'Bloody cheek'.

I got the impression from the call that it would be a regular thing, although I don't know for certain. My dh said that I should find out if she intends it to be a regular thing, and if so, to ask for a contribution to the petrol costs. The trouble is that I find asking for money really embarrassing, and am dreading asking her. Dh says that I should assume that it was a request for a one-off lift, and treat it as such, until she asks for another lift. However, I have visions of getting to college the next week, and her not being there, because she is waiting for me!

I don't want to be tied to giving her a lift every week, but feel really mean about that. However, I don't know the woman, and would never have had the gall to ring someone up and ask them for a lift. Or, if I did, I would say 'I know that this is a cheek, and it is only for a week or so etc etc...'

So, what do I do? My plan is this:

Give her a lift this week, and when I drop her home, say, 'So I'll see you in class next week then.'

If she asks for another lift the next week, say 'Oh, I didn't realise that it was a permanant thing. In that case would you mind contributing towards petrol money?' This is the really hard thing to do for me. I am tempted to say that, in future, I am not going to be able to give her a lift, as I will have to drop my ds off at my mother's before the class to babysit. This is an out and out lie, and I HATE lying. Besides, is it really a problem to go a mile out of my way to help someone!?

Oh, I don't know what to do. Advice on how to deal with things on Thursday would be great, so I have a plan of action. Also, do you think that I and/or my dh are being unreasonable?

Aaarghhhh!

maryz, this thread is making me feel terrible. I could be "bothered" to learn to drive, but haven't driven for years because I find it too scary. I just can't cope with the feeling that a moment's lapse in concentration could cause someone (probably me) a serious injury or death. I suppose I'll have to give it another go one day, but in the meantime I use trains, buses and (how awful!) people give me lifts. One friend takes me and my son swimming most weeks. She offered to take me, and I go at times to suit her and only when she was going to go anyway. I haven't offered her any petrol money because I'd find it too embarrasing to give a friend money for doing me a favour. But do people think I should, and am I taking my friend for granted by using her this way?

Jane, I think your friend would refuse if you offered money, but perhaps a nice treat for her occasionally would make her feel appreciated, nothing too grand, bottle of wine, box of chocs?

I'm a 'trying to learn to drive but failed twice, and now waiting until not pregnant' person!

Jane, I wouldn't feel terrible about accepting lifts if people have offered. I do tend to offer petrol money, but, more often, buy the coffee, or lunch, whathaveyou, so I'm paying back, but in a nice 'non-mercenary' way (I hope). I think with friends it evens out - I may get offered a lift, but then as a SAHM I can have friend's children around to tea more often, babysit, things like that. I know what you mean about fearing accidents, too - I think that's one of the things holding me back on passing my test.

Chinchilla's case here is sooo different, anyway. I think a total stranger asking for a lift is a bit cheeky, to be honest. DH teaches evening classes, and would never dream of ringing up one of his students on spec and asking for a lift to the class - as a teacher, he wouldn't consider lift-sharing either, because he does often have to stay late/arrive early - sorry Chinchilla, not reassuring that, is it!

Jane, I drive a friend to playgroup every week. She doesn't like driving and we go there together. I don't mind at all because I'm going anyway and its not out of my way, and she offers petrol money (which I refuse) makes lunch when it isn't her turn, and has had ds1 more often than I've had her dd. I consider it a priveledge (can't spell today).

And surely car sharing is to be encouraged, in these days of environmental concerns?

Jane101 - Perhaps, as others have suggested, a little gift of flowers or chocolate would not embarrass either you or your friend. I know that I would be really pleased with that in your friend's place, even though I would say 'oh you didn't have to'. It just lets them know that you do appreciate them.

The teacher told me that, as she came here to be a student, from Italy, she never learnt to drive. Her dp works in London, so he doesn't need to. I get the impression that they are not rolling in money, and then start to feel guilty for being mean. Then I think 'Why the hell should I? I don't even know the girl.' !!! And, yes, people did want to speak to her after the lesson, which had already gone half an hour over the allotted time. I just stood in the doorway sending vibes to her! To do her justice, she did try to get away as quickly as possible. If it becomes a problem, I'll have to deal with it.

Jane, I am in exactly the same siuation as you, I can drive but it terrifies me esp. on the local country lanes and the thought of driving with dd in the car leaves me cold. If I go with friends into town I pay for the car park, if not I buy a coffee and cake if the opportunity arises. If not, I buy a pot plant or chocs to say thank you - not every time but every now and then. I suspect that your friend likes to have your company and you definitely shouldn't feel guilty.

maryz, I'm sorry, I think I over-reacted. I was being defensive, because I feel ashamed of myself for being a bit of a wimp about driving - and I don't like to be a nuisance to people.

Thanks to everyone else who suggested I shouldn't feel guilty for accepting lifts. I think you're right - I should try to show my friend that I appreciate her.

I agree that the case of Chinchilla's teacher is different. I do have some sympathy for her, but I agree she is taking advantage of Chinchilla and has put her in an awkward position. I don't know how Chinchilla can get out of giving the teacher a lift home without looking like she's the one who's at fault, and that is completely unfair.

The talk about cars made me think today. It is a symptom of life today that we almost 'judge' people who don't drive, but ultimately, they are the better people because they are not adding to the slow death of this planet! We are the same about people who don't have televisions. They are almost looked on as if they are to be sympathised with, when they probably have a better social life and relationship with their partners! I know that I would if my dh and I actually had to talk to each other instead of veg-ing in front of the set!

Maryz - sorry I'm guilty of being aggressive to your e-mail. I used to work for a council, and one chap made the comment that only people under 17 (ie driving age) used the bus. And like Jan101 I find it incredibly hard to cope when the car is being repaired/motted etc but that is what I'm used to. When I was a student I used to cycle every-where, but I guess in Chincilla case I wouldn't want to cycling home at that time of night on my own. Is there any-one else going your way , perhaps not in your class but some other class, and then do a lift rota, so you don't always have to hang around at the end of evening.

chinchilla, one other suggestion...as you mentioned the teacher is actually an italian and not english. Cultural niceties are different in italy. Being half-italian, half american I find that I often say things much more directly than the average english person and often miss the subtleties of hints that another english person would quickly pick up. Standing in the doorway giving her vibes may just not be direct enough for an italian...(it probably wouldn't be for me). It's possible that you could be very direct in telling her that it isn't going to work for you to give her a ride home and she won't be insulted by it. Also, offering money for petrol may not be something that is done in Italy...it certainly isn't done in the usa (but then again our petrol prices are much lower than europe's). In the usa probably taking the person out for a meal at the end of the term would be a more common means of thanking them. I'm not sure what would be considered usual in italy.

Chinchilla
out of interest, is this the 65 bus that runs from Ealing to Kingston? I'm a regular on it, because I'm a non-driver too ... out of greenness I suppose, but also because we manage perfectly well on public transport and bikes (and have done with 3 kids for years. Lifts from fiends are very welcome, but we don't rely on them and are often surprised to be offered a lift for distances under a mile. I do have one regular lift from an ex-colleague, but we do it partly to keep in touch with each other, and I always try to give her a small presnet every so often to say thank you

No Copper. I live about an hour away from London, near the sea!

I must admit I having been reading this thread and chuckling away to myself....not that I think the position you have been put in is funny Chinchilla, but that it is amazing how a simple question about giving someone a lift can bring up such a controversial topic. I have driven since I was old enough to get my license, and I must admit I was one of these Don't do walking, Don't do buses people. I always had a car and thought it impossible to live without one, I also wondered how people could not manage without learning to drive. Now I've had my ds who is 4 months I prefer not to take the car, for a number of reasons, such as I want to get the weight of pregnancy off, he always goes to sleep in the pram, I am absolutely petrified of having an accident with him in the car, and also because to collapse the buggy, battle to get it in the car, get him in his car seat (which is mighty heavy with him in it) and get us all strapped in to go is just more hassle than is worth it some days.
Anyway to comment on your situation I would put a stop to waiting to give her a lift as soon as possible. Not only do you not want to be stuck waiting for her, but she is doing others out of what makes a good tutor,( by being able to stay behind and ask a few questions) because she is going to hurry everyone to get away ASAP to get her lift with you. I think she is very cheeky as she signed up to teach this course and you might never have come along for her to ask for a lift, she'd have had to make her own arrangements than, besides I've been known to drop out of a course on more than one occasion, so what if you decide it isn't for you and quit, what would she do then. You will end up making a rod for your own back with this lady!

Going off topic a bit - please don't think I'm being ageist, but I was nearly run off the road yesterday by an elderly man (he looked in his 80s) who didn't indicate, just pulled out into the road from a parking space. I managed to swerve to avoid him, luckily no cars were coming in the other direction. He was a danger to himself as well as others on the road. Perhaps regular medicals should be in order over a certain age?

Having said that, that sort of thing happens to DH on a regular basis on his way to work by much younger people as well!

What an interesting thread.

I'm one of those who doesn't drive (usually). I can and have done but prefer walking and cycling to driving.

I agree with Jodee about people over a certain age having to redo their test but I'd take it a stage further and not allow anyone to drive anything over 1 ltr for 5 years after they pass their test the first time and then make people retake their test every 5 years.

I'd also love to find a way of making people with cars that are built to get upto well over the 80-90 mph mark take an additional test so that they knew how to drive at the speeds that they end up doing regardless of what the laws are.

I imagine that would make a lot of people think about how they drive and also with any luck remove some of the bad drivers from our roads.

Oh, and make the fines/penalties for not having passed the various tests really heavy to discourage people from driving without a licence.

I think making people retake a test every five years is missing the target, as it's clear from the statistics that it is newly qualified and young drivers who cause most accidents. It's acknowledged that the real driving lessons begin once you've passed your test and are allowed out alone. The more you drive, the more experience you have under your belt.

What I'd like to see is a probationer scheme whereby a new driver who has an accident loses their licence and has to retake a test. That might concentrate the minds of some of the stupid herberts who drive round in their souped up hatch-backs.

SueDonim - A friend of mine is a driving instructor, and from what he's said I'm pretty sure that there is already a scheme where if you get more than x points on your licence in the first year you hold it you have to retake the test.

Found this - "The Road Traffic (New Drivers) Act 1995 came into force on 1 June 1997. As a result of this Act, each driver must go through a probationary period of two years after passing their first driving test. Drivers who are convicted of a motoring offence during this probationary period, and as a result have six or more valid penalty points on their licence, will have their full entitlement to drive all categories revoked. Valid penalty points incurred prior to passing a test are taken into account if the driver commits an offence during his probationary period.

Full entitlement to all categories of vehicle held previously will be reinstated upon passing a test in any one of the driver's original entitlements. LGV and PCV drivers may be subject to further action from the Traffic Commissioner. Passing a test will not remove the penalty points from the licence; therefore, drivers who go on to incur a total of 12 or more valid penalty points will be disqualified.

There is no right of appeal against revocation under the New Drivers Act. A driver can only appeal against the conviction for which the penalty points were awarded."

Just thought I would say that I don't drive and never have, yet it has never hindered me in the slightest. I have worked all over, using public transport, gone to college, uni, etc etc. I now have a 2 yr old and though it is hard, (I have to catch 2 buses to get to college and two buses back with her and all my bags in tow) if you are determined enough you simply don't let it get in your way. Public transport is appauling, but if enough of us used it and complained, they would have to improve it. The sad fact is that most people use cars when they could get a bus or train, and as a frequent user of both I've never had that many problems. Although down South it might be different.

I also have a friend with three children and she doesn't drive either. Yet she gets around by bike, she walks great distances, and she goes to NCT meetings all over the country.

I agree that having a car would make my life so much easier, but I do think there are enough cars out there without my adding to it. Plus I walk so much that the benefits of not having a car to mine and dd's health outweigh the advantages of having one - IMO!

Thanks GillW, that's very interesting!

At home, Rhubarb, we don't have any public transport, except three buses on a Thursday and one on a Saturday. (Very bizarre, I wonder who worked out the timetable??) But although it's a godsend to be able to drive, I miss being within walking distance of places or being able to get a bus. I'm sure the lack of walking is why I never lost the extra weight after Baby No 4.