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Original poster

Funeral - what to do with my toddler

48 replies

Melyn · 20/10/2019 22:10

Hey, wanted to know people's opinions on having a toddler (2.5 years old) attending a wake of a funeral, my Auntie (who was more like a grandmother to me) died suddenly after complications caused by cancer. The funeral is only a week away and with it being 110 miles away from home, my MIL & FIL are away and with no close family living near to where the funeral is (apart from my parents who will also be attending the funeral), we don't know what to do with my son. My dh wants to be there to support me but after a few comments of "You can't bring a child to a funeral etc", I'm stuck on what to do. Do you think it's appropriate for my toddler to be at the wake (so after the service and burial) so that dh can be there for part of the day to support me? Or should he stay home with ds?
No nasty comments please, just want opinions, thanks.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/10/2019 00:05

I think the main reason for not having him there, in my opinion is because you might not want to do active parenting at that moment.

Zippetydoodahzippetyay · 21/10/2019 01:44

When my MIL died, I didn't take my 2 year old to the funeral (was lucky enough to have a friend nearby to care for her) but did take her to the wake. To be honest it was great having her at the wake. My MILs friends were thrilled to be able to see her and the wake was more of a time for sharing happy memories than the sadness of the funeral.

Purpleartichoke · 21/10/2019 01:57

You and DH can attend the entire event with toddler. He and toddler should sit by the back door during service so they can step out if needed. That is what DH and I have done for one another with deaths from each family.

Passthewipes · 21/10/2019 07:17

Take your DS. Unfortunately I had to take my DD to several funerals when she was 2 and 3, and like you all family that would have looked after her were also there so I had no choice. My DH on one occasion took her outside as she was getting loud, but no body commented, he was there to support me and also to look after DD. Ignore the comments, make sure you have snacks and entertainment and don't worry about it, if anyone does comment, it's their problem. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Fridakahlofan · 21/10/2019 07:23

I just attended a funeral with my toddler and have to say it kind of ruined the service for me. All the wriggling and noise meant I didn’t take in any of the lovely stories and readings and I didn’t leave with the usual sense of happy/sadness and closure. That sense of ‘wow they are really gone’ just didn’t hit me in the same way. I’m scared I also took away that experience from other guests.

At the wake I thought the toddler was a welcome distraction though. Something for people to fuss over and start chats over.

Good luck whatever you decide

Fridakahlofan · 21/10/2019 07:24

My dh sitting at the back was our plan but toddler just kept wailing for me as could see me in the front...

crazymuseummumtobe · 21/10/2019 08:09

The only person who seems to think it's not 'right', as if she has the right to decide, it's your aunt. Your dad wants his grandson there.

My young nephew, about the same age, came to his great granddad's funeral some years ago. As we sat waiting for the service to begin, he piped up 'Mummy, who's in the box?'. It raised a laugh, made everyone smile, and is remembered to this day.

Take him!

Walnutwhipster · 21/10/2019 08:45

In our family burial is traditional. I have taken children to the church but only for their grandparents, never to the burial but always to the wake. I like to see children at the do afterwards.

Joyce2014 · 21/10/2019 08:56

Partner is gonna have to stay back and look after the child. A a funeral is no place for a small child....

Babybird03 · 21/10/2019 10:33

Take your toddler. I took my DD to my nans funeral and she was less than 6 months old, it's strange but they can give you support and a place to hide your face when and if you need to cry. Also you'll find others more than happy to use your little one as a distraction.

Trixie121 · 21/10/2019 10:48

I think it depends how upset I would get. If I know I would be sobbing. I'd have my dh me me at the wake with my little one. I have done this before. I wouldn't want my children to see me this upset.

karala · 21/10/2019 10:50

I think it's good to have children at funerals - circle of life

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 21/10/2019 10:58

I would always say to ask the people organising the funeral. It's tricky because you've done that already and they disagree.

I wouldn't like to see children at a funeral for my own personal reasons, so if I was organising another I would say no.

Given that your aunts reasons are simply that she wouldn't find it appropriate, rather than anything more personal, I think the best thing would be to attend the service alone and wake with your child, but make sure that dh is ready to take your dc out if they start crying or misbehaving.

Sorry about your aunt Flowers

Becbobs · 21/10/2019 11:52

I took my little one toy dh's grandmother's wake. I wanted to pay my respects but as he wasn't even a year old I didn't want to take him to the church. No-one batted an eyelid, and I don't see why they would. A along as your little one is running riot, it will be fine.

Becbobs · 21/10/2019 11:55

Ugh. *to my, and isn't running riot.

AuntieStella · 21/10/2019 12:00

I think toddlers are an awkward age to take to the funeral itself (both faculty in staying reasonable still/quiet and because it may be hard for them to be around visibly upset adults)

I think it's absolutely fine for them to be at a wake

Flowers
Haz1516 · 21/10/2019 12:01

I had to take my toddler to two close family funerals this summer. My partner came along and took him out for a walk during the services, but then we all went to the wakes. I was told it'd be fine for him to be there during the services, but I knew he'd want to just run around etc so didn't think it'd be appropriate.

Settlersofcatan · 21/10/2019 12:04

I think it's fine for kids to be there but I personally would want to be able to focus on the service and talking to other people and grieving which I couldn't do with my toddler there. Your toddler might be different. I would get a babysitter but we have regularly used paid babysitters since our son was a baby.

Peterslee · 21/10/2019 13:39

I’m taking my almost 2 year old, just take plenty of snacks and toys. Mine loves to colour so taking that with us. It’s my children’s grandfather funeral and my MIL is disgusted that I’m taking the toddler but I have no other childcare option.

KellyHall · 21/10/2019 14:06

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Take your dc. It's all life experience, the more now the easier they'll cope in the future. And it helps them understand why they won't be seeing that person again.

I took my dd to my grandad's funeral when she was only 10 months old and then my grandma's when she was 18 months. She did make us all cry when she said goodbye as each coffin disappeared behind the curtains but overall it lightened everyone's day by having someone there at the beginning of their life.

Ohmygod123 · 21/10/2019 14:36

The wake, not the church or crematorium. If your DS is anything like my 2.5 year old you'll be more stressed at keeping him quiet and occupied while people morn the death of your aunt. Allow him to the Wake 100% it will be nice for extended family to see him and I'm sure he will put a smile on their faces

Ceara · 21/10/2019 14:55

I took DS to my great-uncle's funeral at a similar age. Same situation - nobody to mind him, and my mum couldn't attend unless I drove her so it wasn't just my end attendance at stake. DS and I sat out the crem service outside, but he went to the church service part and the tea after. At the church we sat at the back to be able to nip out without disruption, which almost offended the church people, who were all for having us up the front with family, and bringing out the Sunday school toys for DS to play with during the service!

I would decide the church bit according to what type of service it is - the more high church and formal, the less inclined I'd probably be to bring a small child - and by the vicar/minister/priest's views on having children present.

Child Bereavement UK and Winston's Wish have some great resource sheets about taking children to funerals and how young children understand and react to death of a family member, which might help you and might also assist in winning over doubters in the wider family.

Ceara · 21/10/2019 14:56

*my own attendance

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