Wedding dilema - what would you do?

[gillymac]

This is probably a pretty trivial problem but it's driving me mad at the moment, so any advice would be very welcome.
Problem is that dh's sister is getting married in September with fairly short notice to everyone. It's a second marriage for both her and her partner (they're in their forties) and the wedding is to be near their home which is about 400 odd miles away from the rest of the family. Because of the timing of the wedding, its going to involve a two night stay plus long drives plus associated expenses of meals etc for five of us plus new clothes and so on. We've worked it out and realistically we probably won't get much change from £400. We'd really like to go but just can't b**y afford it.
The rest of the family are going so we don't want to feel like the poor relations. Also, my sister in law probably won't forgive us as, according to my other s-i-l she is very 'precious' about the whole thing. Despite being a 2nd marriage she's going for the full white wedding thing i.e. bridesmaids, picturesque country church, big reception and so on.
What would fellow mumsnetters advise?

We asked for John Lewis vouchers so we could buy a washer/dryer as I was pg with the sluglet when we got married. I thought it was ridiculous to have a wedding list as we were in our thirties with everything we needed. That way even our poorest friends got to contribute to the one thing we really wanted. Every fiver helped!

Thanks everyone for your advice.
Bee's suggestion about a Travel Lodge was a good idea but unfortunatly they live in the middle of the Highlands so there's nothing like that nearby. Although sil and partner have a big house they have already arranged for my parents-in-law, other sil & her family and a friend to stay with them so we're left to fend for ourselves.
Bozza, I did like your idea about dh going himself and that's something we're defnitely considering as well as hoping for a lottery win!

Batters I so agree with you about wedding lists seeming inapropriate for well off older couples.
A friend who is a priest told me the best wedding he ever officiated at was of an older couple who specifically asked guests NOT to buy them gifts but at the wedding they passed round a bucket for contribtions to a charity that was close to their heart.

I'm all for wedding lists. I like an easy life - you read the list, pick what you want to buy, pay for it and that's that. I don't have much time for browsing in shops looking for presents! When dh and I got married we had very little household stuff so we were grateful for all our presents. Remember, it's not compulsory to use the list. You can buy something more personal if you like. But I agree, well-off couples or those who have lived together for years before marriage shouldn't need a list!

gillymac, you can't please all of the people all of the time (especially if you're related to them) so just do whatever causes least stress. Personally, I would let dh go alone and use money saved for something else ...

gillymac, I can see why your Sil and intended would invite her parents to stay at their house for the wedding.

But, if I'm reading this correctly, it seems a bit off to have her other sister and family to stay, plus one of her friends, while not at least inviting her brother (your dh) and family, considering the distance you will be travelling.

Of course, I don't know what practical considerations have gone into this, or if your SIL has other siblings who are also making their own way to the wedding.

From what you say, however, the lack of an offer to stay at their large house would make me less inclined to pull out all the stops and go with dh. If you talk to your SIL about why dh is going alone, I'd be tempted to say in a nice but slightly pointed way that it was the accommodation costs that have pushed the weekend beyond your budget :0

AS for not going at all, thinking about it, I can see that a blatant lie might, as pupuce said, come back to haunt you. Your dh is her brother, after all. Sending dh alone is a good compromise. Is it any cheaper for dh to fly there? Could he do both journeys in a day, so no overnight accommodation is needed?

hi tigermoth,

yes there are other siblings going to the wedding but they are all older, richer and with grown-up children so although it's a long way to go for them as well, accomodation costs aren't really an issue.
I hadn't thought about flying but it may be possible if dh goes alone. Inverness airport is only about an hours drive away so with a hire car it might be feasible. Will look into it.
p.s. dh going alone is beginning to look more and more like the best option.

Gillymac - I very much endorse everything Tigermoth has said. In fact was just going to post a similar message before I read it. It seems a bit off that you with children to consider(given that this is always going to involve extra hassle/expense) are the ones who have not been invited to stay. Unless you REALLY do want to go do what Tigermoth suggests, especially the "nice but pointed comment" re accommodation costs...

Gillymac - just for info (i live in the N of Scotland) I dont know where you are coming from but easyjet fly to Inverness which will make it a lot cheaper for him. Not many flights a day though. Where is the wedding?

Susanmt,

The wedding is in Rogart which is, from looking at the map, in the middle of nowhere. Do you know it?
Will check the EasyJet website to see if it's suitable although I've a feeling they only fly from Luton which is no use for us (Edinburgh). I have also got quite a few airmiles saved up so may be able to use them on a British Airways flight.

Do you really need to take the children? I prefer to be at functions without the kids because then it is a much more relaxing experience. Can your family look after them for a couple of days? If you manage to get cheap flights you and dh could have a nice romantic time on your own

Gillymac - you're right, easyjet do just fly to Luton from Inverness, not Edinburgh. Rogart does seem to be in the middle of nowhere. Its not near us, I dont know it - you could have come here otherwise there is so much space! We drive up and down from Perth a lot to Inverness and beyond as my parents are there. It takes 2 hrs 10 mins to drive from Perth - Inverness (no matter when we do it, we have timed it) so looks like Rogart will be about a 4 hr drive for you if you decide to do it. Could you go and drive back at night the same night with the kids asleep in the car? Its mental I know but it's the sort of thing we do (people who live in the middle of nowhere are a bit mental, I think it goes with the territory)
We used to live in Edinburgh before we lived here and are down there quite a lot. Maybe we should have an Edinburgh Mumsnet meetup! I would come!

SUSANMT,do you live in Perth???? So do I! We might know each other - how scary is that?! Where do your children go to school? Or do you not want to reveal too much?! Sorry for hijacking thread - got excited cos someone mentioned Perth!

LOL Susanmt at the living in the middle of nowhere and being a bit mental!! You're spot on! After living in Thurso for a few years, we think nothing of driving for three or four hours just for the day. We still have our dentist in Perth (we used to live in Perth, too, Salalex)and our dd has had orthodontist work done there whilst we were living in Aberdeen. Can you imagine Londoners driving 80 miles every time they needed to go to the dentist??

Gillymac, I know you can get a return flight from London to Glasgow for £15 and if you book early on Virgin they also do very good deals.

I really would recommend that you phone sil and explain to her your difficulties, it's much better than lying. Telling someone you can't afford to do something is never easy, but she will admire your honesty and may even come up with some solutions for you. Whereas if you lie, she might suspect and would never forgive you for not just telling her the truth.

At my wedding I had booked and paid for 2 friends to come, I had spoken to them 2 weeks beforehand and they assured me that they were coming. However they, and two others never turned up. It wasn't until six months later that I got a letter explaining that they were embarrassed to tell me that they couldn't afford to go. Needless to say I was not best pleased at their explanation, if only they had told me sooner they would have saved us some money and panic having to rearrange the seating. We also had the last minute phone calls of guests excusing themselves - I was quite suspicious of a lot of their excuses and angry that they didn't just tell me earlier that they either didn't want to come or couldn't.

So please do explain to her, don't leave it until the last minute. Above all she will want her brother there, so if he is going this will at least placate her. And I bet she gets let down by lots of people, especially if it's a last minute wedding, she'll appreciate your honesty at least.

Sorry again for hijacking the thread - salaex I come from Perth, lived there till I was 17 but have lived away ever since. My parents are still there though, and we visit a lot. Have you moved there or are you from there - maybe we do know each other. I went to Perth Academy and left in 1988. This would be too weird for words if we had been at school together wow!

Susanmt - thanks for your kind offer. Yes, an Edinburgh mumsnet meet-up would be good. Anyone else interested?

Rhubarb - you're quite right. I know I should phone sil sooner rather than later. Am trying to pluck up the courage to do this. When I last spoke to her about the wedding (a couple of weeks ago) and mentioned something about the costs of B & B accomodation up there she became pretty snippy and ended the conversation. I may be misjudging her but I feel that she is getting so carried away with the idea of the perfect wedding that she doesn't want to hear anything negative about it from anybody. Maybe I should just chicken out and get dh to phone her?

Gillymac, I've been at the other end of this one!

When we got married (first marriage!)my BIL to be made a huge fuss about how far he had to travel and how expensive it was going to be for him and his 3 kids to stay over (they were the only kids that were invited). If he'd been keen to come and suggested that he came on his own as a solution to the problem it would have been fine - but instead of that he tried to make it our problem (I think there was some displacement of 'other issues' going on)and really upset my husband in the process. So I'd be honest - but have the solution ready i.e. hubby goes alone.

Sorry - I didn't mean that last message to make it sound as if you wouldn't be tactful and sensitive to SILs feelings by posing a solution rather than a problem!
It's just that the whole BIL situation created such bad feelings in our family that I'd hate it to do the same for anyone else - and I still haven't quite forgiven my BIL for the effect that it had on my husband just before our wedding and it's been about 7 years now!

Yes DH should phone her.... why should you ???? It is HIS sister....
My opinion !

Yup, get your dh to phone her, it's not your responsibility. If he just tells her that it is too far to travel for you and 3 children, accommodation would be too expensive for you all, especially as you would have to stay for 2 nights, and it is too short notice but that he will come, I'm sure she will be ok. Weddings are very stressful and I bet she's running around trying to do everything at once, no doubt she won't want to hear anything negative and it is disappointing when guests phone to say they cannot come. But she will be easier to deal with now than in another week's time and so on.

You could always ask her to come and visit you one day and you will put on a special party for her and her new dh, or take them out somewhere special to make up for it.

Good luck anyway!

From your sister-in-laws perspective - I am married for a second time, and I must admit I opted for a slightly unusual approach to my wedding reception (castle in Scotland, close family and friends only). My sister had to travel from Devon, and I have to confess that if she decided not to come I would have been devastated - but obviously it rather depends on your husbands/your relationship with sister/sister-in-law.

How about a compromise?
Have you any good friends who'd be prepared to look after the children for the weekend so you can go to the wedding with your husband on your own?
What about a one night stop?
Have any of your friends got any posh clothes to borrow for the occasion?

I haven't read any of the other replies so not sure if these suggestions have been offered, but I'm just trying to see it from your s-i-l's perspective.

By the way, would you go if it you had a sister/brother getting married for a second time?

Definitely think your dh has to get on the phone to his sister pronto, citing accommodaion costs as the main reason for him going alone.

But, talking of compromises, is it just possble that your SIL has good friends living nearby her who might put up more of her guests, like you? After all, they are off the beaten track.

Also, what about her intended? Has he access to any more places for guests to stay?

Dh is away on business this week but will definitely badger him to phone his sister when he returns on Saturday.
Re the suggestion that we stay with sil's friends, she hasn't been living up there very long so I don't think she knows anyone in the area well enough to ask. Her partner lives with her so that's not an option.
Bootyful - I am not particularly close to my sil and have only met her partner a few times so I don't think my not being at the wedding would upset her too much. My dh and his sister are quite close though so I think that his not being there would be worse. Your comment about how I would feel if it was my brother or sister got me thinking though. I think in that situation I would want to go but would probably go alone if money was a problem.