Please help me!!

[pinkprincess]

I dont know where I should be for this thread, but I really feel depressed and upset and I dont know what to do. Are there mums around for advice?

Message withdrawn

well ive got another thread in relationships about my mum and dp, they had a chat and brought up things that are really bothering me. i feel like i cant trust either of them now, and i dont know how i can be myself around them as really personal things came up that i confided with them both that they exchanged with one another

I don't know if I'm qualified for advice but what's upset you?

here it is

im also suffering from low confidence at the moment as well. i was getting ready earlier and i put a skirt on but i just felt so self conscious that i had to put jeans on, so i was boiling hot

dp brought up about when i was younger and when my mum use to hit me, as mum was talking about a time when i hit exp. he also brought up a time where mum told me she hated me. mum had been telling dp that our relationship is just the same as mine with exp which really upset dp as i hate exp at the mo, and he doesnt want us to end up like that

Oh pp , it's clear you feel awful. Having skim read your other thread I can't see what you can do specifically, it looks like time needs to play a bit of a part in it. All you can do is reassure your DP that the only person who knows truely how you feel about him is YOU. Your mother is no more qualified to answer that question than I am !

Huge hugs, I wish so much that I could offer something constructive. I really feel for you.

pink princess, it really seems to me that you ought to stop listening to your mum. She used to hit you? That's awful. So is talking to your partner in the way she has.

i keep asking dp about what was said as im a bit too scared to ask my mum as pathetic as that sounds. as i wasnt there i want to know what was said, but he keeps avoiding and thinks im making such a song and dance over it, but he doesnt seem to understand that this has hurt and upset me

In your shoes I would have a word with your mother about this. Hopefully it was a genuine mistake and she doesn't realise the potential damage done.

And keep your mum out of your relationship with your partner. She's not the one having a relationship with him, you are.

mum brought up to me, and from her pov it seemed like dp was having insecurities over our relationship and that she was just answering his questions over me and exp, but dp said mum just told him this stuff

sorry "brought it up with me"

I think there are 2 separate issues here: the relationship with your mum and that with your partner. She has upset and undermined you by saying things to your partner that she shouldn't have said. So a) don't leave them together in that situation again b) ask her to desist, if you think it'll get you anywhere and c) keep talking to your partner about how you two feel about each other. Not about what your mum thinks, forget that, she's not the one having the relationship.

im also havin problems with exp as well. honestly i hate him. i hate him so much that it makes me feel sick that i had a relationship with him. he is also the father of dd which makes things worse, and he wants to have dd for a few days. i have so many reasons why i dont trust him with her, but at the end of the day he is her father, and i know it's in the best interest for, well everyone that he spends time with her, and dd spends time with him. but it's just so hard even thinking about it

i feel like i cant trust dp now though, because he brought up issues that i have with my mum, that ive been hiding for years from her, and i know he probably had good intentions, but now i feel on edge cos im afraid that when me and mum get in a heated arguement next, shell bring these things up

sorry i keep posting so fast, just a lot to get off my chest, and have noone else to talk to

I didn't reply on your other thread, PP, not least because I had a feeling that it was more complicated than it first appeared, which is definitely how it seems now that you added more detail here. Before I thought, "Well, maybe your mum was just being kind about your current DP being a fellow human being, too".

Plus, she said she was wrong before in her assessment of how you used to feel about the ex-P, so why would she be right now in her assessment of how you feel about your current DP! Therefore, current DP shouldn't credit anything she says too much, should he?

But on basis of what you say now, it really sounds like your mum is how mine was -- one of these people who says too much her own opinion, even when it's only opinion, and (almost on principle) doesn't remember to keep quiet because of how it might affect other people's feelings and lives.

Why don't you "trust" your DP? Do you really mean that you don't want to open up with him, because of all this painful Sh*te?

well i dont mean i dont think i can ever trust him again with what i say, i mean more that i think im going to start feeling like i cant be as open talking to him now. the past couple of days when ive told him something, ive had to quickly add "oh and please dont tell mum i said that", and i can just see me being paranoid that whatever i tell him, he may end up bringing up to my mum again

dp cant understand why this bothers me so much either

PP - can see exactly where you're coming from re: relationship with mother. Mine is the same. there is a lot of bad feeling there, but also the fear that if you say anything to her (or upset her) then she will get back at you some way. She may not be able to hit you anymore but she can hurt you still, she's your mother after all, she knows what to say. Also, I found that I was still hankering for the 'unconditional' love I always thought parents were supposed to give their children. It definately cam to a head when I had my own children, and put some of the things she used to do to me in the context of my relationship with my kids, it made it all seem a lot worse somehow. I have managed to work through it, and we now get on ok but it took a while and raised a lot of uncomfortable feelings in the process. If you want to talk about it please contact me. (if you get the AOL address won't be able to answer til this evening). Hope things start looking better soon.
Berries

PS If your dp has a 'normal' relationship with his parents, he won't be able to understand why he can't say things to your mum. It took my DH a long time (years) to truly understand all the undercurrents in our family life (my MIL is fab & I love her to bits although she drives me mad at times)

thanks berries, yeah dp did grow up with a loving family. my dad left us 12 years ago too, which i still find hard to deal with. dp thinks im making too much of a fuss over my past with mum, as when he was younger him and his brother used to get hit by his dad by slippers when they were out of line and that its just discipline. but when i use to get hit, it wasnt always because i was in the wrong.

there's a big difference between being hit and being bullied. you probably know where your mum stands on that scale. In my case, I was the family scapegoat, and was frequently punished for things the others had done without any attempt to find out what was wrong. other incidents include being held up against a kitchen wall by the throat because I hadn't cleaned the floor properly. OTOH, there were also occassions when my mum could be very loving and cuddly, and I think in a way this has created the mixed emotions. I do distinctly remember walking home from school dreading finding out what I was going to get it in the neck for when I got in - there was always something. It really has taken my dh a long time to really find out what life was like, largely because I moved away (to save my sanity) so when we had family get togethers he only saw the surface - on the surface we are a very close family. He used to think I went completley over the top about what he saw as very minor incidents. It wasn't until we had our own 2 dds that I began to tell him more about it (& that was 12 years after we met). He now realises the background and is far more supportive, but is also willing to 'not rock the boat' unless I think I can handle it. When I had my own children I finally began to realise that none of this was 'my fault' - you just shouldn't treat children like that, but it also made what she had done even worse as I couldn't imagine doing that to kids if you really loved them. Unfortunately, I am now finding my parenting style is lacking somewhat, as seem to be increasing have to shout at the kids to get them to do something at the mo, but at least I am conscious of it and trying to do something about it.

i was quite similar berries, cos i was the eldest i should have "known better". mum had quite a strict growing up too, so i think that's where a lot of it stemed from, but like yourself i could never picture doing that to my dd. ive had quite a hard childhood, as not only did i have problems within my home, i was bullied at school. i tried suicide at one point because it got too much, but i am thankful i am still here. dp knows all the ins and outs of my past, but he sometimes thinks im making things out to be something theyre not. we "argued" last night, as he couldnt understand why i couldnt just let this go, and when i told him i just wanted to know what was said as i know my mum is going to wait til our next arguement before she brings these up, and that its bad enough her knowing the stuff i told dp in private, stuff that ive had to keep to myself for years, and in the space of 3 hours, he tells my mum all of it. well most of it. he then said that im making my mum out to be someone she isnt (and he's only spoken to her a few times properly). i then upset him because i said something like "ha. this coming from the guy who was willing to break up with his gf because hed rather listen to her mum than his gf". he then told me to f**k off.

soounds like he knows he wasa out of order & now feels guilty. Most men get very defensive in
that situation (so do I, to be fair). I think it is very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't been through the same. In the end I decided I just had to move on, accept the relationship I had with my mum was never going to be the one I wanted, & just decided to let go. It brought a great feeling of relief, now I no longer worry about what she's going to say/do. I figure if I could live through 18 years of it, I could put up with it on the odd visits we know have (helped by living 70 miles away . If you have come through that and out the other end, you are a strong person and need to keep reminding yourself.