Mornington Crescent?!

[Eggsbutnobacon]

Will somebody please please explain to me what this is all about?

Welcome back, dear Irene. Your country sojourn has obviously restored your spirits - corsetry mishaps notwithstanding - as I haven't seen the like of that Hamblesham since Dar Es Salaam in '57 (and it's best still to draw a veil over what happened there with the commander of the visiting frigate, the consignment of pomegranates and the coloratura who once again turned out to be the Colonel in one of his second-best tutus).

And so, for the young at heart among us, a leeward Mottisfont to

Westbourne Grove

Oh come off it. East Putney does not exist and never has existed and never will exist. Even the by-election of 1934 was imaginary.

Maud I keep one of those pomegranates in pickle as a prized relic of my young and foolish days. The Colonel's tutu did not survive the trip to that laundry in Tirana. How was I to know that the Albanian for treat with care is only one syllable away from the Albanian for hydrochloric acid for Pete's sake?

Wells - Somerset of course not Norfolk.

Now now, Andrew; I know you've been bitter about East Putney ever since the Countess took out that restraining order banning you from ever coming within a mile of the Upper Richmond Road, but I can assure you not only that it still exists, but that the King Charles spaniel in question still howls piteously at the mere sight of your photograph.

Still, if you're going to be all ecclesiastical: Peterborough

Birmingham Moor Street is home to the best buffet and cup of tea, even better than the cafe next door to Peterborough Cathedral. So off there I go.

Irene I have successfully turned the spaniel; it keeps me informed about everything the Countess does, and I mean everything - yes, including the Lego and the runner beans and the Black Mass on the second Sunday of every month. Why would I bother with the Upper Richmond Road?

Goring and Streatley but then that was obvious wasn't it?

It's time to leave this part of the Thames before there is flooding or weekend engineering works. I play the pre-Beeching rule which lets me go via High Wycombe and then onto Chesham

It's time for something unusual and exotic, and I'm not talking about you-know-who's underwear, although I do wish she would put it on before she reaches for the damson jam and the Serbo-Croat edition of the Complete Works of Shakespeare. All aboard, please, for Jewellery Quarter.

You're looking for something unusual and exotic? Why didn't you say earlier?

Beddington Lane

Oh Maud, please - not that unusual and exotic. I would not dare.

Inverness - there's safety in numbers and the margarine is reliable.

It is nearly four months since we began this game of MC and I expect there is perhaps a couple of months more to go. So two stops from the Highland city is the community of Forres to which I go. No idea about the margarine or indeed the butter, just hoping that a wee dram is available.

Ive never managed to cultivate a liking for the fermented grain, but do have a certain fondness for the grape and so, in pursuit of a Nebudchadnezzar we go to

Rheims

Rheims is probably on parts of the east end of the Central line mistaken by some common folk as 'Reems' the plural of 'Reem" which is apparently a phrase used by some folk who appear on this strange thing called television.

So to help them overcome this I shall travel to Hainault and attempt to engage in conversation with them whilst the trains are reversing. I only hope the incident of 1955 at Gants Hill is not repeated.

Hainault? Hadn't you heard that all stations in the first half of the alphabet are in throckings until Wednesday? No wonder the game has taken four months and the good people of Gants Hill are shocked!

Westminster

Throckings were suspended by general order of the Grand MC Council after that regrettable business at Grand Rapids, Michigan - you remember, the gnu and the bishop and the box of hairgrips.

But Westminster is off-limits during the three days before either House sits - their Lordships are back on Monday - so something special is acalled for and I'm going to Rosslare Harbour. It's a long way to . . .

I play the Great Western shipping rule which brings me back to the Principality, and then the pre-Beeching rule to allow me to traverse the said country to Llanfairpwllgwngyllgoerchwyrndrobwllllantisiliogogogoch. None of this abbreviation nonsense.

I think bishops are off-limits for this weekend at least. As for monks, we'd have to play the tidal causeway rule to get to Lindisfarne.

Things are getting a little wild here. One might even say debauched. I will introduce some much-needed propriety with an Ashcroft's Ascendency - a favourite move, vouchsafed to me by the Oscar-winner in Antibes in '63 - to

Luton Airport

In view of today's and yesterday's tabloids I am moving to where we can find some real debauchery namely Leicester. Bottoms up, as it were!

Very naughty, Andrew, you cheeky boy! The only possible riposte is

Birmingham Snow Hill

A clever move given that Moor Street is out of the question and so I must play the tram rule to avoid retracing my moves of last Tuesday. I cannot imagine there are any strange fruits at The Hawthorns though.

Well, if it's strange fruit you're seeking, ForAllTheSaints, I think we must speed to

Covent Garden

They don't breed fruit strange enough for Saints, Maud, or if they do they keep quiet about it.

Let's try Appleby - a lovely place or so my under-butler's scullery-maid, whose great-aunt once went there, tells me.

I hope it is not too windy in Appleby or else there may be wardrobe malfunctions of lost scarves or worse.

I think we should see coastal shelter and so off to Maryport I go.

Normally, I am all for jaunts to exotic destimations such as Maryport, but for now I feel we really must get back to the heart of the metropolis, and so I offer you

Tulse Hill

Is Tulse Hill an actual place? I thought it was the name of a retirement home in Surrey for former colonials.

Marylebone

There is a Tulse Hill, in fact it is painted by a French impressionist, Camille Pissarro. Definitely not a retirement home for Maud or any former colonials.

So another hill near a place where future colonials are educated beckons- Harrow on the Hill