Moral support/advice needed re miscarriage

[Melly]

Hello everyone. I would be really grateful to hear from anyone who could give me any support or advice. Unfortunately I started bleeding last week at about 10 weeks of pregnancy, had a scan which confirmed that the baby had stopped growing at about 7 weeks, I then had an ERPC. Initially I did very well and my husband and I have tried to be philosophical about things and be thankful for our beautiful baby girl who is nearly 10 months old. I have been quite cheerful over the last few days and kept busy, but today I feel so sad and tearful. We definitely want another baby but I'm now frightened to try in case it happens again. We will both be 38 in a few months and I feel like time is against us.
Has anyone else had a similar experience and how did you cope? (We have one daughter who was born last July when I was nearly 37).

Susanmt - that is really beautiful.

It is, isn't it, Bells. Thank you for sharing it with us, Susanmt.
A friend lost her baby at birth some years ago and the first time they visited his grave after his funeral, there was a robin singing beautifully on a nearby branch. She told us that now whenever they hear or see a robin, they are reminded of their first little boy. Like Susanmt, they now have two lovely ds.

Yes Susanmt - we did a similar thing - I've had 3 miscarriages - 2 very early but the third at 18 weeks. I found out during a scan that the baby had died ( 3 weeks ealier which somehow made it harder as all the while I'd been 'breaking the good news' to friends and family ( late because of the other two) she'd already been taken from me.
My husband was in Bangkok at the time and the first flight he could get back was via Amsterdam - he picked up a pack of white tulip bulbs ( I love white tulips) as he was just desperate to bring me something, feeling so guilty for not having been with me when I found out) and for months they just sat in the garage - even noticing them made my burst into tears - but eventually some time later I did plant them and seeing the flowers come up the next spring when I'd just learned I was pregnant with dd somehow seemed fitting.

The stories about the snowdrops and the robin are so lovely, thank you for sharing them.
Today has not been a good day, I returned to work and it was a mistake. I was in two minds yesterday about whether to go back and with hindsight I should have trusted my gut feeling and not returned. When I dropped my dd off this morning with the childminder, for the first time ever, as I was leaving she said "ma ma" and smiled, it nearly broke my heart, I just wanted to go back and take her home. When I got to work my colleague who I job share with, had left things in a right mess. This is fairly commonplace, but considering my circumstances I found it especially hard to deal with. I had two extremely rude patients on the phone at 9 am (I work as a medical secretary), my boss came in and started complaining about how "crap" my colleague was and that all the stuff on his desk should have been cleared away by her as he had dealt with it already. This was enough to push me to tears (thankfully not in front of him) so I decided to take everyone's advice and "look after myself". I informed my line manager that I was very sorry but I had made a mistake and returned to work too early.
I am so annoyed with myself for not being able to cope. I always think of myself (and am regarded by others) as an extremely independent "coper". My dh proudly tells colleagues and friends how independent and strong I am, and I feel under so much pressure to "keep a stiff upper lip". What I actually want to do is to have a good cry (which I have just done because dh has gone up to Scotland for a week with his job).
I am planning to see my GP tomorrow to get him to give me a bit of time off work but this also makes me feel like a wimp, and that I should roll up my sleeves and get a grip of things.
Sorry about all this rambling, a week after the miscarriage I seem to feel much worse than when it happened, but I guess this is probably quite common.

Oh Melly don't be too hard on yourself. I too tried to go back to work a week after my last miscarriage. My dh was dropping mem off, and we sat in the school car park for 20 mins while I sobbed my eyes out before he got out his mobile, phoned the school which was right in front of us and said I needed more time off, then took me home, thus making himself horrendously late for work and he had patients waiting for him for an hour and a half (he's a gp).
So don't worry. Take as much time as you need, and spend loads of time with your gorgeous daughter. My little girl was the biggest thing which helped me over it - she used to cuddle me and stroke my hair if I ever cried in front of her (I tried not to), and her sheer joy in living soon restored mine.
Take good care of yourself, and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
love
Susan xx

Thank you for your kind message Susan, it is appreciated and it has made me feel better.
Have had a good cry this evening and actually feel better for letting go a bit. Am off to bed now and hopefully things will seem a little brighter in the morning.

Melly, take all the time you need. This too will pass. Love Mooma

Melly, I hope today is a better one for you.
Remember the stats that very, very few mums have repeated miscarriages (the two friends I know who had one have both gone on to have lovely babies quite soon after, and one of them is nearly 40...). Also that there are lots and lots of people in their late thirties on this board hoping to have another child, who have the same hopes as you, and the same concerns, and who are thinking of you particularly right now.

All your messages about the snowdrops, robin and tulips really touched me. I think these are lovely things to do.

Melly, I do so hope you feel better today. Lots of love

Melly - how are you doing today???

Much brighter today thank you Susan. DD is such a comfort and makes me appreciate how lucky I am to have her. Have had wonderful support from my aunt who is one of my godmothers, she also happens to be a registered childminder who looks after my dd so I do think I am very fortunate to have her around.

Melly - I remember vivdly 'pulling myself together and looking on the bright side' many a time - and really feeling ok and quite positive and together - only to go shooting down minutes or hours or days late over the silliest things.

I remember a rabbit with Miximatosos(???) hopping around in the road near our home that reduced me to floods and floods of tears for its helplessness - and I so wanted to do something to protect it and make it alright I knew I couldn't - just as I couldn't 'make it alright ' for my baby - I was very very fragile and over sensitive and emotional for months not weeks afterwards( tho outwardly to most people most of the time 'coping very well and being very positive about it'
It was the end of August when I lost the baby and the first time I remember feeling really like 'me' ( I'm a very positive 'coping' sort of person too usually so wasn't used to feeling as I did) was when we went away for a long weekend sometime in mid October.
As so many people here have said - give yourself time to grieve and be kind to yourself - the way you feel is entirely normal.

Melly - just thought I'd ask how you are doing as we've not heard from you for a few days. Hope everything is ok. xxx

Yes, Melly I've been thinking of you too.

I feel rather sad today as today would have been the due date for the baby I lost

((((HUGS)))) Enid - I know the feeling well.
Be good to yourself today!

How sad Enid. I don't know where you are but I hope it as beautiful a day there as it is in London.

Thinking of you as well, Enid. xxx hug xxx

Enid, thinking of you today. As Bells says, I hope the sun is shining on you and your family this afternoon.

Awww...thanks everyone, had a bit of a blub in the garden earlier (luckily we have no neighbours - not posh, just rural), it was such a lovely day I couldn't help thinking what if...

Anyway, had some retail therapy by proxy and bought dd lots of books and a very big ice cream this afternoon so we both had a nice day. Dp is even being sweet and making supper and there's a big box of M&S choc eclairs in the fridge.

Love to everyone who replied, thanks xxxxxxxxx

Enid dont ever forget and give that bump of yours an extra big hug x