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Selling Houses - BBC2 last night

34 replies

Trifle · 29/04/2004 09:48

Did anyone see this about the family of 5 who wanted to move from Essex to a remote part of Scotland for the benefit of their 2 autistic boys. I found this totally harrowing that they basically moved to avoid the eldest son (13) being taken into boarding care as his school could no longer cope with him. You have to wonder as to whether this would have been the right move anyway as I am not sure what quality of life any of the family were getting. The 5 year old girl who was normal and a delight had to be constantly protected from the agressive tendancies of the eldest child when he had one of his turns which required all the strength of his father to try and contain. The stresses the parents were under was tremendous, how can they possibly cope with the relentless pressure. I have to admit to being fairly ignorant about autism and frightened by its implications. I bawled from the sheer relief that my two boys dont suffer from such a terrible illness and bawled from the knowledge that any parents watching who have very young autistic children can only imagine the horrors that may lie ahead in their quest to do the best for their children.

OP posts:
Jimjams · 01/05/2004 11:55

oh sorry Aloha missed your last sentence. Yes definitely - that's it exactly.....

The trouble with the ship him off attitude as well is it means that SS etc don't provide the help that's needed. As the care packages on offer will cente on that. For example here to get respite I would have to send my child away overnight - I'm not prepared to do that- I want help in my own home. That is beginning to change- with the advent of direct payments (although I wouldn't get any) but while the prevalent attitude is that the child must be a burden and can't be any sort of joy then decent care choices will never be provided.

Heathcliffscathy · 03/05/2004 22:21

Thanks Jimjams , have been offline all w/e and am catching up...I meant every word.

aloha · 04/05/2004 10:58

Geekgrrl..I wasn't referring to people who have made a very hard decision for themselves, but to the pressure/assumption that is 'for the best' even when the parents disagree. People have to make very hard choices in life sometimes.
I know of someone who termined a child with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy - they already have a child with the condition - and I do wonder how they feel atm with so much criticism of termination around, with very little difference made between a person who is already dedicating their whole life to a child with a very serious disability (one that will, unless there is a major breakthrough, kill them slowly before they are 20) and didn't want to put themselves and another child through that so had a CVS and termination at 10weeks or so. I don't see how anyone could condemn that.

aloha · 04/05/2004 10:58

Geekgrrl..I wasn't referring to people who have made a very hard decision for themselves, but to the pressure/assumption that is 'for the best' even when the parents disagree. People have to make very hard choices in life sometimes.
I know of someone who termined a child with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy - they already have a child with the condition - and I do wonder how they feel atm with so much criticism of termination around, with very little difference made between a person who is already dedicating their whole life to a child with a very serious disability (one that will, unless there is a major breakthrough, kill them slowly before they are 20) and didn't want to put themselves and another child through that so had a CVS and termination at 10weeks or so. I don't see how anyone could condemn that.

Jimjams · 11/05/2004 14:55

well finally watched this (thanks to lemonice- superstar). For me it was the programme on autism that most reflects my life. From the snapshot we saw of him - my son is very like the younger boy (although I suspect they are quite different- but in 5 mins look very similar).

I thought the builder and estate agent woman were a bit lame. Wish they'd stuck to talking about the houses really. When they headed into autism territory they didn't have much to say. "Just think this family can't all go to McDonald's". Well no, but to be honest when you have an autistic kid the last thing you worry about is not being able to go to McDonald's. Ds2 has never been to McDonalds (as DS1 can't go) but I don't really think he's missing out.

There were so many things I identified with. When they went to the house and the dad answered the door- I noticed the front door was locked. That can be a real problem when we go to other people's houses- the door has to be hard to unlock from the inside or we have to shadow ds1 every second we are there. The whole emphaisis on living their life around safetly- exactly the same here.

I could understand why the family wanted to go somewhere remote. I often feel like sticking two fingers up at the NT world and heading off somewhere where we can just be "us", but I think I would feel more isolated there- away from other autistic families. As the mother said- you are isolated anyway with an autistic child- and I think that is true in that you are isolated from normal people (and I think the programme showed why- the 2 worlds don't even touch) - BUT you are noit isolated from other autistic families. By going somewhere so remote- surely you do become the only family with lunatic kids (as the father called them- and as we often do). At least here in a city I only have to drive for 5 minutes to be able to spend an afternoon in my friend's house with her dd who is as mad as my son. Plus she has an NT son - a smiliar age to ds2- and we hope they will get support from each other as they grow. That sort of support would be missing in an isolated area.

I thought the programme made a bit of a big deal about the older son's meltdown at the end- it didn't look anything out of the ordinary to me. He's a big boy which must make it harder to handle but my son woulud have that sort of meltdown several times a week - usually over something much more minor (at the moment raindrops on his shoes- drives him mad for some reason).

FOund myself agreeing with the mother about her son and his school as well. He did seem very well managed at home- so the shcool must have been making some sort of pigs ear of it (unless he was simply unable to tolerate larger groups and larger rooms etc).

Also thought there was a bit of an undercurrent that they weren't thinking about the little girl- maybe not- but it seemed hinted at. The point being the little girl can be adaptable - the boys can't. DS2 has to do everything to ds1's terms really- it's just the way it is. He can, ds1 can't. I don't think having an autistic sibling is that great really- but I think children with autistic siblings probably learn a lot in the process. Not sure whether that makes up for it- but time will tell.

Oh and funnily enough I've been to the llama farm. If I'd known it was up for sale I would have been tempted. Although I suspect I know why they rejected it- it's very close to a (fast) main road.......

Davros · 11/05/2004 18:43

Everything you say Jimjams makes perfect sense to me. We had our first holiday last year for 6 years. People would always give us advice on how to manage a holiday but the main problem was safety, turning up somewhere unknown and finding DS could get out of the windows, open the door etc. I also thought the older boy looked like I think mine might when he's older, I only saw the very end when he seemed upset but missed the build up. That part certainly wasn't what I'd call a meltdown but I may have missed the worst part. I usually avoid these programs because I just find them upsetting but I know other people with ASD kids prefer to see what's on. I suppose that's nothing to do with autism though, I also prefer funny m/s films etc to earnest and worthwhile, just depends on your personality. In fact, one observation unrelated to this program, over the last few years I've noticed that all the parents of ASD or other disabled children deal with things and react just as they otherwise would without these problems, it doesn't change your basic personality, but what we're dealing with is very heavy, no mistake!

Jimjams · 11/05/2004 19:18

No I don't think you missed the worst bit- it wasn't much of a meltdown! I think the TV crew wanted to make something of it iykwim so they built it up.

I avoid every program with autistic adults- too much, but I'm glad I saw this one.

I know exaclty what you mean about going to places. I'm concerned about this holiday this summer for that reason (and a reason why a campervan would be such a good move for us).

I know what you mean about reacting in a way that is true to you. But I do think dealing with it - all the time - has changed me. Or maybe brought out a side of me that was more hidden. I'm certainly much stroppier than I used to be- haven't got time for crap anymore.

RexandBen · 15/05/2004 07:43

lemonice? would it be possible for me to borrow this after jimjams? I missed the show and would be very interested in it (I am one of those parents who would like to see how my autistic son may become )

Jimjams, would it be ok with you to send it on?

Cheers,

Jimjams · 15/05/2004 17:47

that's fine by me- send me your address through contact another talker.....

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