lonely since having children

[bin]

anyone out there feel the same? Old friends and good work colleagues are miles away and it's just people I have daily contact with now not the same... they are parents of my childrens friends and not my friends so although we may chat along the school run etc etc it's not the same.

I moved to a new area just over two years ago and my interests at that time was me, husband, running, the gym, me, my hair, sunbeds, clothes, going up to London to drink and show off, me etc, interesting things I thought. I met a few women in my village (potential new friends I thought) however, I heard through some well meaning(?) people that they did not have anything in common with me as I did not have children, so of course when I saw these women they were all greeted to a very bright and breazy Hi! and that was that. After 6 months of this small band of women offering small flags of peace, only to be met with indifference, I then felt I should make more of an effort etc. There was one particular woman who I found so difficult, however, like a dog with a bone, I decided to persevere; I made it my mission in life. When I found out to mine and dh complete delight I was pregnant, I bumped into her sitting on her own, and decided to make an effort and sat down to make conversation as she looked a little upset. I proceeded to tell her my very exciting news, it was after this piece of information was digested that she told me that she had just got back from the hospital after having a non viable pregnancy terminated.

I thought I might as well go and jump in the well, and forget about it all. As I got larger and larger, I started to see more of her as she came in to my house for coffee a couple of times, it was all very pleasant(!) then she visited me in hospital after I had given birth and brought a goodie box of the most delicious food - she is a chef.Well to cut a long story short we have been on holiday together children and babies, and she is my good friend with an endless supply of wine, fags, food and good advice having had three children. We laugh at the "I bloody hated you when I first met you". More than that, whilst we do talk about children, not all the time, we get it all out of the way and then go onto subjects like Deigner Vaginas channel 4 and new shooos. I know shallow!

She has a balanced approach to life, as I said 3 delightful children who she sends over after school, which helps her, and helps me as they entertain my ds for an hour whilst I try to cook something and put it in the oven. Anyway, I want to say that I was lucky, very lucky and after lots of false starts I managed to make a new friend who I thought that I did not need!.

Like Rooty, my husband and I (sound like HM Queen now) were left out of things, and yes I still feel isolated some days, especially at lunchtime if I forget to buy a paper, or get a new book going. I still have to really give myself a good talking to most days in the morning, and then that kind of dictates my day. It does help that we are only 5 miles from the city, and I have just started to take more charge of what we do in a day - more planning and lists(!) Certainly like Emsiewill I thought moving into a small community that everyone was just being nice and sussing me out, and then returning to their little groups after they had made their judgements!. Somedays and weeks I feel that I am not going to cope very well, and it is now 13 months that I have been doing this baby thing, but I am getting through it. I cannot imagine how our mothers did all this without support and knowing that all these feelings were perfectly normal! and a good girl friend phone network, and of course being able to say things on mumsnet. Anyway can anyone tell that I am a bit bored and have too much time on my hands at work!!.

Charliesmummy that is a lovely story and I particularly enjoyed your own prechildren description of yourself!!!
Remember the days when being tired meant you had overdone the bench press at the gymm? when hours were spent thinking about yourself and how you looked!!

jasper - what on earth are you doing still up at this ungodly hour? and yes I remember that very well, bench pressing is now putting the un ironed baby grows under my bottom whilst I dry my hair, in the hope that I can get the over-tumbled creases out! still look I cannot have a conversation without mentioning my hair!

With all three pregnancies I go into this bizarre sleep pattern at about 30 weeks. I sleep for a couple of hours waking at arond 11 pm and am wide awake all night till 4ish then I usually get another couple of hours if I am lucky.

Jasper - This thread started off with feeling isolated and here we both are in the middle of the night surfing and doing the baby thing, I even came into work early this evening because dh wanted to go to bed - He so tired don't you know .... and for me there is nothing so isolating than sending others to bed first ds - 6.45 and not so dh at 10! and just sitting at home waiting .... a bit like you just waiting. My bf is 4 weeks away from her due date and is having a nightmare time of it with sleeping, for her it started about month 6, and when it did, she accused me of not telling her about this aspect - I think she muttered about The Conspiracy of Silence that women stick to when they have had a child!!!.

How do you manage to get through the day with 2 others?

Nice to catch up here and read all the latest messages... my local NCT wasn't too bad but just seemed to join at the wrong time but bits have been fun for doing with the children. Joining cttees has meant I've ended up with lots of work which has taken me away from the children the reason I stopped work was to have time for the children! Nevertheless... this time will pass I guess - going to take a look at SueDonim's suggestion and nice to read the message by Charliesmummy too - trouble is I guess used to have a "good friend" who turned out to be very two-faced and I discovered this the hard way. heyho that's life I guess.

charliesmummy, thanks for your concern! I agree with your bf about this being part of the conspiracy of silence. Sometimes I wonder if I am a total wimp who just does pregnancy badly. I try very hard not to moan to those around me, which is what is so good about mumsnet. You can freely moan, without dragging others down!
A very good friend is pregnant with her first. She is a lovely girl, but very full of herself, in a kind of charming way, and is really a lovely person. She just will not shut up about her pregnancy, and the underlying message is, hey, look at me, amen't I doing this well, just like everything else I do...She was going on about buying sexy underwear, she had to get an amnio because her triple test showed high risk for Downs ( thankfully all was fine) and she claimed not to have been in the LEAST worried. The other night on the phone she said " well I have a tiny bump and my boobs are bigger but apart from that I have managed not to gain any weight". I have a weight problem at the best of times, and when pregnant practically need a block and tackle to heave my short but very fat body off the chair.....Oh, and she still gets up at 6am to go to the gymm.
Bitter? Twisted? Me?
As for how I manage with my ridiculous sleeping pattern, I am very fortunate that dh is more or less a full time dad and I just started maternity leave so he gets up with the kids first thing and always gets up if one of them wakes in the night. I do not know how I would physically manage if this were not so.He is now at uni two days a week so I am up earlyish on those days and it can be a bit of a struggle.
I find I go into a bit of a mindfog if I don't get up, look sharp(ish) and at least go out to the shops or whatever, but since my stiff hips started walking is very difficult so I cn't even do that, and sometimes feel like I go through the day in a bit of a trance.
Why are you finding sleeping difficult? Is it that once your ds is in bed you get a second wind?

Jasper - I am on the dreaded night shift at work this week, I work a week on and a week off, and due to my boss being my mate and very understanding of pregnancy, birth (his wife is a very good friend with two little girls) bewteen us we managed to aviod this vile shift for the last 3 years, I expressed for so long (yeah right) something to do with EU working law - or something. So roll on Monday when I can have a VERY large Gin. I must say that it has not been too bad this week, trawling through mumsnet has kept me more than amused, and I have managed to see my ds more this week than when I do 8 - 4 so we will see .... I might offer to do this a little more often, I know I feel awful, look awful etc, but then (Millicent Martyr coming up now) its not about me!!!!!!...

I am soooo pleased that your very good friend can still make the gym, you wait until those last couple of months and see if she can still get to the gym at 6am - I couldn't and I was obsessed! Sexy udderwear oops spelling but its funny I am doing to leave it, beacuse lets face it I have seen what Rigby and Peller make for pregnant breasts and na sexy it aint - VILE DARLINK.

Moan away to us, lets face whatever aspect of pregnancy most of us; have either had it (!), will have it imminently, or know someone who has. It is my bestfriend's first pg too, however, she is having a terrible time with her weight, comfort, sleeping, skin - moles etc, ankles - swollen, knees - sore, daily visits yes daily to an osteopath, and moving house - baby due in 5 weeks, so I just spend hours on the phone - laughing at her! and of course empathising.
It can be very isolating whether one has loads of children or just on the first pregnancy - the middle of the night is horrid when you are pregnant, tired, head whizzing and in pain.

I wish I could get a second wind, its my age, that happens after the lunchtime nap and wind no - gentle breeze for a couple of minutes - until the sun goes down over the yard arm and dh comes home at 5! so out comes Mr Gordon or Miss Blue Sapphire and then somehow bath time is fine, as long as dh does it!! I am bad but not that bad.

Ah, Mr Gordon, I haven't has an evening with him for ages. We used to be so close...
Oh one other thing I forget to mention about my perfectly pregnant friend. Her mother is a reflexologist and is going to teach her husband ( he's perfect too)to massage the bit of the foot marked "womb" which is how she intends to cope with the minor discomfort of childbirth.
HAHAHAHA

jasper - glad to hear i'm not the only one with pregnancy related weight and hip problems.
I gained so much weight with my first pregnancy 6 years ago, i still haven't shed it. It gets worse while im feeding, which by the way i have done for 6 years non stop through each pregnancy from 1 babe to another. When i notice myself in a mirror it generally brings my mood crashing down and that in turn makes me unsociable and isolated.
Had dreadful symphasis pubis problems during latest pregnancy did not think i would walk again! Much better now though at 3mnths pp
By the way it has been even longer since Mr Gordon has visited our house although I have always managed to keep in touch with Signor Vino Rosso!

I have ended up with just two or three good friends and dozens of acquaintances, a few years on from my first child and the time when everyone I met with a baby was automatically my friend forever.

I hate to say this but there is a lot to be said for similarities. Perhaps this belongs on a different thread (working mothers perhaps) but I started out knowing a lot of people who went back to work seven or eight months after their babies were born. I didn't: we had very different agendas, and I felt sad at the loss of those early post-natal friendships. The friends I am close to now (I've been where I am for five years) are in similar circumstances to me.

PS I've been close to Mrs Organic White for some years and we've had a good time together this evening so if this is blethers please excuse.

Am I right in thinking I am not the only one who feels as if I am just a big physical wreck these days? And those photos taken five or so years ago when I THOUGHT I WAS FAT!How I would welcome that body!

Had a brief encounter with Mr smirnoff last night and paid for it with even worse than usual heartburn.