anyone around - I need some advice re nanny - can't sleep! (long)

[jmg]

I have a nanny to look after dd(5) and DS(3). I was having the usual bedtime chat with DD tonight and she said 'why does x shout at DS when he won't eat his dinner - it is not fair if she can shout at him but we can't shout at her' to cut a long story short - I managed to get out of her that the nanny has been shouting at them for not eating their dinner. I had a discussion with her about 2 months ago where I said that I didn't believe in forcing children to eat when they don't want to so I want you to calmly take the food away if they won't eat and I am quite happy for you to only offer fruit as a pudding in these circumstances. If she is shouting at them then she has completely ignored what I asked her to do.

I also had a conversation where I asked her not to use our car to go home (to her house) during the day when DS is at nursery. I said she should use her own car. She is still using ours.

I am really upset this evening - hence the rant! Do you think I am over reacting - I hate the thought of leaving the kids with someone who shouts at them. I also feel that a nanny relationship has to be based on me trusting her to do what I ask her and she clearly has not.

Another complication is that she has her own child now (1 year old) who she brings to work. It has not worked out as I thought it would - in that I really feel my kids get no where near the attention they should considering that I pay her a lot of money to look after them.

What do you think I should do? I'm extremely wound up about this as you can probably tell!

HI JMG, From what you've written it sounds like you need to first find out what the alternatives to your current nanny are.
Once you've done that, you could speak with your nanny about those two specific issues -- shouting and driving your car. And I guess her reaction to your criticisms will help you decided what to do next. The worst thing is fearing that she might be doing other (even worse) things with your ds. And as for her own child, I would not be at all happy about my nanny bringing her own child to work. I can't imagine myself being any good at looking after other kids if I had my own one-year-old in tow...
As for changing nannies, I just did it with much fear and trepidation, and infact it was the best thing I ever did. The new nanny has brought all kinds of new interaction and games for ds1 and ds2 and best of all I could lay down the law much more clearly about what I wanted done (my previous nanny, although very good, had been with us since ds1 was born and had become part of the family in many ways, so I found if nigh impossible to ask her to change her routines or do anything dramatically different, even though we had changed over the past three years and I had become much clearer about what I really wanted on the nanny front. (Previous nanny left to go on her pilgrimage to Mecca)
Anyway, hope that helps a little.

Tatum

I told DD that at the end of our chat last night. I also said that if anyone ever tells you for any reason not to tell mummy or daddy something no matter how scared they make you feel or what they say might happen, you must always tell us. I said that it is up to the grownups to sort these things out and that we will make sure that nothing happens as a result. TBH this is part of the regular 'stranger' chat that we have but like you I did think I needed to be sure that she knew it also applied to people who are not strangers!

I will also tell the nanny that I will be asking my DD for her thoughts on this issue and that she should be aware of that. Hopefully this will stop any silly behaviour from her towards DD.

Oh what a mess

Lorian. thanks for that. I'm not sure whether I view this as a sacking type of offense, however, if my serious chat with her today results in her looking elsewhere I think I would be quite happy. I do worry about the children as she has always been their carer, however, this can't be a good environment for them to be in. So I think it is probably a case of short term pain for long term gain.

Your comments are very reassuring that a new nanny arrangement can work without too much disruption to the family.

I would be very cross if my nanny shouted at dd for not eating. Invite her round for dinner, give her a massive amount of food and then shout at her when she doesn't finish it, see how she likes it.

CD that made me laugh on a day when laughing is the very last thing I have felt like doing. I will now have a mental picture of nanny with a huge platter of pasta being force-fed until she bursts

Did you ever see the film Seven?

If she is driving your car without your permission, I think you will find that strictly speaking she is not insured. Perhaps this might make her think again?

CD!
jmg - what's seven like? Worth buying on video now that it's probably cheap?

The scariest film I have ever watched!

I left the cinema saying to my friend 'how could anyone even have such horrid thoughts never mind turning them into a film!

The end is awesome.

Do buy it if you can get it cheap but don't watch it on your own...

OK. Thanks jmg. Have you seen Signs? It can't be scarier than that, surely?
Sorry for being off topic.

Okay this is to anyone with a nanny, from an ex-nanny.

If your nanny is not giving your child the care he/she needs and deserves, you are paying them for that after all. If she/he is shouting at your child, making your child feel uncomfortable in their own house. If your nanny doesn't know how to discipline without resorting to basic skill tactics. I am afraid you need to look for another nanny. One a bit more professional!

(Note; if you have a problem with your nanny or your nanny comes across a problem you both should feel free to immediately discuss it. You should have a good enough relationship for the sake of the child.)

I would never have dreamed of shouting at any of my little ones. I had a responsibility to their mother/s and was getting paid to do the best for their kiddies. It is sad that so many people take up nannying positions for "easy money" without actually realising the benefits of doing the job properly.

Sorry if I seem a bit scatty tonight but this really ticks me off and we are going on holiday tomorrow and I'm stressing out. Taking twin toddlers on holiday, help!

As ex nanny and now mum and childminder can see this from a number of different viewpoints. Know I wouldn't be happy at all about someone shouting at my ds's for not eating their meals or not following my instructions. Also know nanny is human and this may just have been a one off - bad day, headache, children in one of those moods!It can also be hard following someone else rules when its you that has to do them ( mum of nanny I know doesn't like dd to have sleep in afternoon, so dd is a little madam at school picking up time because tired, mum lets her sleep at weekend!). I think any childcare situation is based on give and take nobody is going to treat your children in exactly the same way as you. I'd have a word with her and make it clear what you expect from her, but if things keep niggling you I'd look for someone else, because in my experience once things become a bit confrontational (sp?)it never improves.