Life!!

[Toasty]

Does anyone else ever just get plain fed up of this motherhood thing - god I love my ds but my life has now become so predictable that you could set your watch by it. Get up get ds ready for nursery, work, nursery, dinner tv bed and it doesnt change much at the weekends Saturdays are shopping and some form of entertainment for ds and Sunday are park, do mother's hair entertain ds and cook dp's dinner - dont get me wrong there are times when I love being a mother but today I am so bored of the whole thing - Monday morning blues I suspect but sometimes the whole thing just really gets me down

Hedgehog, what is happening? Having been a single parent I do have some idea of how difficult it is....in the UK I often felt that every single thing I did to help myself would end up working against me too ....but you sound desperate... please, please, please don't do anything rash! I too wish there was something I could do! Keep posting... have you no one who can help you there? Is it possible for you to take any time off at all whilst you deal with this? Stupid question I know... how the hell do you feed your children if you can't earn money! wish I could say something constructive. Thinking of you. Best wishes Winnie x

Hedghog, your post sounds so desperate. Without knowing more it's difficult to say anything constructive. Is there any way you could return to the UK? As a single working mother in your native country, wouldn't you be entitled to more help and support from the government over here? Even if you have to sign on for a while, couldn't you use your skills to get a job here?

Thinking of you

Dear Hedgehog,
I'm so sorry you're having such an awful awful time. I've read your posts before and I really really admire you. You've been through so much that no one should have to go through and your strength amazes me.
I know nothing about the support services for families in Belgium. Would it be worth asking the authorities to support you to look after your kids at home instead of asking for respite care? If you do need respite care for the children don't feel ashamed or feel that it reflects badly on you as a parent. You are battling with an illness and life as a single parent and you have no support. That is a very, very tough situation.
Good luck, hedgehog. Please take care and let us know how you are. I will be thinking of you.
Liz

I'm feeling a bit calmer now, I've got an appointment with the blasted ministry next week to "explain myself" yet again. What is there to explain? I've got 4 kids. What do they expect me to do? The social services here don't do anything until something major has occurred and then they all blame someone else. I've already asked them for help but they seem to think they are not responsible. This can't go on like this, I need a breathing space. I keep telling myself that things can only get better and then something always happens to prove the contrary. I can't afford to pay their fines (they are talking about £10,000- for the illegal employment of an au-pair because THEY refused the papers) and if they send me down for non-payment, they will have to take the kids into care anyway, and I will lose my job. This is unbelievable. I think I need to find a good therapist because I am at my wits' end. All because I tried to do things honestly in this country!.

Hedgehog, I hope my following list of questions doesn't upset you - I'm just racking my brains to think of something to help you. Please excuse any ignorance or naivety on my part.

Is there anything like a legal aid system where you are? How well can you speak the langauge? - you say earlier that Flemmish is not your mother tongue. If you cannot communicate the finer points and present your case properly, can you ask for a legal aid person/interpreter to accompany you to the meeting? It really sounds like you could do with someone there who's on your side especially when you're facing such stiff penalties.

Is there any sort of trade union set up where you are? Could you get help from the British embassy?

It really worries me that you've asked the authorities for help and they feel that they are not responsible. Surely at the very least they need to explain your options in more depth. The earlier point about respite care in your home was a good one.

Can you involve your employers? Is there a human resources department who can mediate on your behalf?

You are not in this position through choice, and putting your children into temporary care is, as scummymummy says, nothing to be ashamed of.

Keep posting - there's a great pool of knowledge here -

All the best - I will post again if I can think of anything else.

Hedgehog my thoughts are with you.I do hope that you can get some help soon.
Kjlkate,it is so refreshing to read your message. The bit about being bored really made me chuckle. I adore being at home with my child but my god there are moments of intense boredom! What I find so weird is that of all my friends, no-one mentions this. We meet up regularly with our kids and the conversation is always about shopping or their kids and if I ever say anything slightly controversial-like the fact that I personally find some of the toddler activities abit boring and have to drag myself to them for my son's sake, they all look at me like I'm a monster and change the subject! Thank god for mumsnet!

Hedgehog, this is the same country I believe that has yet to prosecute Olivier Dutroux. I can't do much more than seethe at this ridiculous paradox on your behalf and keep all digits crossed for you. Like the others here, I have goggled at your ability to keep things going for you and your children in a foreign country and have been full of admiration for you.
Please let us know if there is anything any of us can do. We are all thinking of you.

Hi,

I speak Flemish fluently but the reason the first au-pair visa was refused is that my family does not speak Flemish at home. I pointed out that the whole family spoke French and German at home, both of which are national languages, (as well as English), but they refused the visa because I'm a foreigner and not a native Flemish speaker. The petty language laws in this country make my blood boil. I am NOT even going to attempt to pay their fine and if necessary I will take the issue to parliament. It is ridiculous. In this country the pervs and child abusers get away with murder (literally- remember the Dutroux case?) but if you are a single mum doing her best to cope with the pressures of working and bringing up her children as well as humanly possible, you get penalised and treated like a criminal. Where I live, although it is officially a bi-lingual area, falls under the jurisdiction of the Flemish region which has been waging it's own petty language war for the last 50 years against the French speakers. Such is life in the capital of Europe!

Right, got my fighting spirit back. There's nothing like a good rush of adrenalin (or in my case pure blind rage) to get you going again!

Hedgehog, talk about red tape! poor you. It sounds like flemmish nationalism is taken to ridiculous lengths. You can't be the only single foreign working parent who has faced this mess - have you tried contacting single parent or expat groups there for information and support?

Anyway, very glad you're on the up. Keep posting if you have time - I know it's in short supply with you.

Tigermoth

Hedgehog, just read this entire thread and feel so awful about what's happening to you. I can't believe what you've written it sounds crazy what the authorities expect of you. Just to let you know my thoughts are with you and I hope you can remain as strong as ever about all this (and you really are), good luck with your meeting next week and take care. X

Hear hear, I'll second Lizzer's post. Just read this thread for the first time too. Absolute disgrace when you're just trying to do your best for your kids to make sure they're looked after. Sorry I can't offer any helpful suggestions as I don't know about au pair rueles, but best of luck in getting it sorted

Hedgehog, how are things going?

I have had the day from hell! We all overslept by 15 minutes which, although no one was late for anything, meant the day began with us all running around like headless chickens more than usual! Dp did the washong over the weekend but although it's not usually a problem, this morning I could not find one pair of clean knickers!!! Ended up wearing dp's boxers!!!! Discovering that a sister department had lost documents I'd sent across to them I was basically told by boss it was my fault for not stapling all documents together..."a paperclip will not do!" Not happy, & incredibly bored nearly fell asleep by noon! Finally I could start the journey home and it is peeing down. Board a train and discover hand bag open, purse there, keys there, filofax not there!!!!!! Panic!! Filofax contains EVERYTHING! Train journey that usually takes 15 minutes seems like forever... race to childminders, once in possession of buggy, umbrella redundant and, as I am getting over bronchitus, the fact that I am getting soaked seems more annoying than ever! Remember that I need to pick up tampons from the chemist and am walking in wrong direction.... take a diversion to small, very expensive chemist and the rain continues... just as I am thinking 'five minutes and I will be home', I walk out of the chemist and my bra strap snaps!!!!! To say I could really live without days such as this, is an understatement... I feel better for a rant but realise that the day is not over yet!

Oh dear Winnie! I hope you made it home without anything else snapping, knicker elastic for example! Today seems to be the day for the Big Knicker Debate, see M&S thread ...

Hi,

Thank you for all your support, it is very much appreciated and I'm beginning to feel better.

The fateful meeting has been postponed until Thursday- the ministry official phoned yesterday and said that he couldn't make it today. Ah well. I did point out (politely, and in Flemish!) what I thought of the whole saga. I'll let you know what happens.

Other ex-pats do have au-pairs but they have more sense than me and don't even attempt to register their au-pairs legally. I made the mistake of being honest!

Things can only get better!

Hedgehog, don't let the **'s get you down!
Best wishes for Thursday, Winnie x

Hedgehog, all the very best for Thursday. So impressed you can speak Flemmish, French and German.

Hope the au pair police are as humbled and impressed by the way you are coping with life as we are here.

Hedgehog - all this and you find time and mental energy to post here as well? You're coping - I'm impressed! All best wishes for your meeting.

Hi!

Back from the meeting with the ministry. They have finally seen some sort of sense and decided to reduce the fine to a reasonable (if you can call any of this saga reasonable) level and they are still humming and ha-ing about whether to penalise me for the second au-pair (I lied through my teeth and told them that he was just a visitor!). We'll see how the saga unfolds.... So far so good!!!! I told them that if they continued to persecute me I would be forced to put my children in Belgian homes and that the Belgian State would have to foot the bill. I think that is what finally made them see sense.

Zippedy doo dah, zippedy ay!

And yes, I might be able to speak all these languages, I might be strong but when it comes to taste in men, I am a complete failure. I've always had to be self-reliant but I would so much like to be less independent and to have a shoulder to lean on, someone to share things with etc. One day perhaps....

Anyway, things are looking up and thanks so much for all your support and good wishes!!!

M.

Hooray Hedgehog, I am so relieved that you are pleased with the outcome. I hope you'll be able to get some sort of long-term solution sorted out.
Good luck & well done today.

Hurray again! Glad you are helping these people see sense.

LOL at your comment on the embarassing moments board. Wondered what would have happened if the 'incident' had occurred at this meeting. Tend to think it would have been in your favour - one way of quickly cutting through official procedure, I suppose.

As for men, they say never say never.

Hi Hedgehog- Result! Well done for cutting through all the red tape. Hope things keep getting better and better.
Liz (same Liz as below)

Hedgehog, great news... hope the news continues to get better... keep smiling,... and best wishes, Winnie x

That is great news Hedgehog - and richly deserved!