Everyone's having another baby!! Help!

[Allyinoz]

I have a 2 year old. I had problems conceiving him and had pre eclampsia and a 'difficult' baby. I adore him now and love our time together. I am 36 and would like another but I don't know if this will happen for me.

A lot of my friends and aquaintances are having another, even when their children are a lot younger than mine.

These events have made me feel very upset and jealous about the fact that they feel ready to have more and able to. I know I shouldn't compare myself as this doesn't help.

I find it hard at social do's, but I can't avoid everyone. The whole situation leaves me feeling inadequate. It all feels like a competition, which I know it shouldn't and isn't. Do you know what I mean?

Any advice?

[proud of tea emoticon]
Well said.

Hi there allyinoz. Hope the tea room rabbit brought a smile to your face.

As a person who had one child by choice and never wanted more and whose parner had a vasectomy to make sure there were no more, I find this whole "there are occasional times when the mums-of-one feel a pang - it comes, we support, it recedes again." thing totally negative.

What is a "pang". A "pang" of what exactly?

I infer from it that the "pang" is a pang of disappointment, of inadequacy, of feeling guilty for not giving your child a sibling, or of jealously or envy that others have more than one when you don't.

People have to be supported when the various "pangs" come along and I for one find the whole having to support people through those "pangs" totally negative.

I don't feel in the least bit sad or inadequate or miserable about having one child, nor do I feel envious of others who have more children than I do.

I don't see having one child as an experience that others need to support you through, nor one that should invoke such negative feeligs. If other factors are causing those feelings (such as infertility which is clearly what's at the bottom of why the OP feels like she does) surely there are other boards where it is more appropriate to discuss that...?

This board is in danger of becoming a place where all people do is come to bemoan the fact that they have one child, for whatever reason, - not celebrate it.

It's been pointed out many times that there is plenty of celebrating on this topic, too, but - Adryath - you seem to be wilfully misunderstanding and distorting what people have said, to make it fit your arguments.

In my very long observation of life on this planet, it seems to me that only the very most smug or unthinking people never ponder on the decisions they have made or wonder just for a brief moment how things might have been if they'd made another decision. And people whose choices have been constrained by circumstances might also feel a pang (which seems a good choice of word to me, as it implies something short-lived).

In my view, offering people a little bit of moral support as they experience these pangs is a positive thing, not a negative one. Helping (as best one can) someone to get a new perspective on their situation or to see things in a new and more optimistic light is a positive thing. I didn't think that anyone was suggesting that the whole experience of being a mother of one was something through which one needed to be supported - just that, for some people some of the time, there are occasional moments when a bit of empathy may be welcome.

I am delighted, Adryath, that you are so happy with your situation. If you don't want to participate when other people are looking for empathy or constructive suggestions that is (of course) your prerogative, but I really don't get why you have to be no snippy.

I think it's called empathy, Adryath.
Look it up in a dictionary.
It's obviously an alien concept to you, trying (and maybe even failing, but trying nevertheless) to look at the same situation from someone else's viewpoint.
Heck, you might even learn something.

Allyinoz, I do think it's perfectly normal to feel how you feel, heck, I get pangs when I sniff a newborn and I'm a confirmed only from a long line of other onlies with an only dd.....Maybe you will have another child, in your own good time, maybe you won't..maybe you'll decide you don't want one, maybe you won't.....never say never to any of these things...(until you're as ancient as me and it really isn't an option anymore! And even I find myself occasionally saying "Cherie Blair! The Other Famous Woman (whose name escapes me) who had her first child at 46! Blimey, am spring chicken really!"
None of which makes it easier right now for you when you can't/don't feel up to ttc, or aren't even sure you want to, and find yourself surrounded by bumps and buggies...
But rest assured, the lovely MNers in the tea room will offer as much advice and support as needed.....and in a much less judgemental fashion than wozzerface up there.

Adryath- are you just mad or something that the idea for a one-child family thread wasn't yours? Your logic seems totally bonkers to me...and I speak as the ex moderator of a one child forum Elsewhere in Cyberspace where onlies by choice and onlies by circumstance rubbed along famously.

To get back to the OP I do so know what you mean and I was reminded of my Only-Childness when the other day I met a group of three women from my Breast Feeding Clinic at the park with their soon-to-be 4 year olds and all of them pushing their 2nd child - now toddlers - in a pram as well.

Hadn't seem them in a while and could see them walking towards me an instantly I was having conversations in my own head trying to explain why I only still had one (DH has medical reasons).

I've felt that it was a question itching to be asked so as I nodded and asked how they all were, they became distracted by the demands of their own offspring. My mental conversation turned instead onto silly things, like that my daughter looked so cute in her co-ordinated outfit, and that I had had the time to put on makeup and straighten my hair.

It does get to you a bit but more importantly for me I was out there enjoying my DD's time and company and able to focus on pushing her on the swing and singing to her and concentrate on having proper conversations with her.

Perhaps they looked on at envy at me, probably not. But hey, enjoy what you've got.

Not posted on here before but I have an only, now just coming up to 2. We're almost certainly not having any more due to medical issues and I've wrestled with that quite a bit. I've had two conversations recently though that have helped me feel less guilty about not giving dd a sibling.

One was with a neighbour who has 2 teenage daughters and was advising me not to have another girl. Far from being close, her dd's can't stand each other and row constantly - always have done (not just a teenage hormonal thing).

The second was with a friend who has three young children. She said she felt guilty that the eldest, now 5, had had to grow up so quickly so that she could treat the 2nd and then 3rd as the baby. I've not explained that very well but I knew what she was getting at.

I don't think there is any right answer to how many children is the ideal number.

Strewth!! I have stirred up at bit of a hornet's nest.

Well, I am now going to employ some empathy and say (I think) I can actually understand Adryath. I suppose it's like if you say I really, really like X and loads of people come along and say no it's really rubbish but I have no choice. It would probably get on your nerves. But then I wouldn't stick around to hear it.

I do think Aryath prob needs to join me in that counselling she is so keen on.

Actually the real issue, is the life threatening pre-eclampsia that I experienced. I just don't know if I could do it again.

Good to hear from you again, Allyinoz.

I had pre-eclampsia too and can understand why you feel so wary about a repetition. Why not come and have a cuppa in the tea room?

I don't need counselling thanks Allyioz - I'm quite happy with my life. I have the family I always wanted and don't have any hang-ups about it. Sorry if that makes me sound smug but I don't in any way take it for granted and count my blessings for it every single day. Perhaps how I feel is a bit like how you might feel if you had the number of children you'd ideally like to have...?

I fully understand that there are a lot of mothers out there who don't have one child by choice like I do and it will be something that has been forced on them by circumstances beyond their control. They absolutely have every right to feel miserable, whistful, disappointed or dissatisfied by that from time to time.

It was never my intention to upset or anger people by putting my viewpoints across on this thread but I still stand by what I said that this board seems to be far more about the dissatisfaction that people feel about having one child than anything else.

From Adryath - Perhaps how I feel is a bit like how you might feel if you had the number of children you'd ideally like to have...?

Now, that remark just sounds mean and spiteful to me.

Hi Allyinoz nice to meet you

Lord, the pangs. That's just life isn't it? I have an only, who will be an only and is now 3. Most of the mums I was with have had their second, and it does get easier to see them

But I have pangs watching siblings play in the park, but then I get pangs seeing puppies because my beloved dog died last year...different kinds of pangs but as MadBad rather eloquently put it, life is like that

Hope you're feeling good today...feel free to share with us whatever you are feeling

"Perhaps how I feel is a bit like how you might feel if you had the number of children you'd ideally like to have...?"

that anyone would say this. Can you really be unaware of how nasty you sound?

Allyinoz - "life threatening pre-eclampsia" - eeeeeeek eeeeeeeek and eeeeeeek again - poor you!!! - No wonder you are feeling a little wobbly!!!!

Daisy - Oh God and bloody hell (sorry justabout, madbad, MaryBS and other church going mn friends) I am really sorry about going on and on about our new puppy in the tearoom. It must have been a bit trying for you. As a maaaahooosive dog lover myself I completely feel your pain. I still shed a tear now and again for my childhood dog who died... about twenty years ago... everytime I feel like blagging I will have a tearoom glass of champagne and cream cake to keep myself quiet for a while !!!

Adryath - IMHO You post with the confidence of a closed mind. It deeply saddens me to see the tone of your typing because someone with so much love for her dd, confidence in her parenting skills, experience in having one child and a truly open mind would have an amazing amount to offer this thread and frankly the topic as a whole.

Wow Adryath! Your empathy skills are seriously challenged - and one of the key hallmarks is that you have no clue even what that means.

I have one dd now 4, not by choice. I am generally suitably grateful and philosophical about it but, weak and negative woman that I am, the pangs do come and go. Just this morning dd got very exasperated with me on the way to school demanding to know: 'But WHY can't your tummy make another baby?'. It does make me sad sometimes.

MOST of the mn threads are complaining about something or other and/or looking for support. That's how it usually is on internet forums generally. This board is no more negative (maybe less!) than some of the others. People feel less need to proclaim their joys compared to their woes. We feel the need to reach out when we are low about something. Nothing odd about this board.

Acinonyx, I am well aware what empathy means thanks but perhaps you don't.

I have one child out of choice. The family I have is the one I always wanted, hoped for and dreamed of having. So you see, I have never for one single second experienced any negative "pangs" of any sort about it; be they motivated by guilt, jealously, envy, inadequacy or whatever.

It is for that very reason that I can't empathise with anyone who has experienced those feelings.

I can sympathise with them for sure, but not empathise.

You see, empathy is about having the ability to imagine oneself in another's place and understand the other's feelings. Personally, I can't imagine having those feelings so can't empathise.

Empathy is a much deeper sense of emotion and a sense that you can feel another's feelings and state of being along with feeling sympathetic to their issue.

Sympathy on the other hand is the act or power of sharing the feelings of another; a feeling or an expression of pity or sorrow for the distress of another; compassion or commiseration.

This might illustrate the difference for you:

Sympathy: I am sorry for your loss. What can I do to help you during this difficult time?

Empathy: I feel and understand the pain of your loss; my grandmother passed away last year as well.

IMHO you can only empathise with someoe when you can honestly imagine having the feelings they do yourself (or have actually experienced them yourself too) and so can relate to them on a personal level.

I think that is an unimaginative interpretation of the term empathy. Do we really need to have experienced a situation to have empathy? Can you have no empathy then, for someone who is starving, lost their job, or homeless?

You understand the term in an abstract sense, but not enough to resist twisting the knife in an open wound - because it doesn't happen to be your wound. You lack the imagination to go the extra mile.

In any case, I don't see much sign of sympathy either.

Whatever.

I empathise with the OP. I have one DS who is now two and a half yo. Would like to fall pg again but doesn't appear to be happening any time soon.

Not something I care to admit to others in RL, but I have been going out of my way to avoid all the mums I knew months ago who have went on to have their second child by now (every single one of them in a group of 10-12 mums - except myself!). I find it too difficult and hope that the situation will change but like others on here, I may have to just accept that DS will be an only.

It is very difficult but I suppose the grass is always greener. Perhaps mums with two or more DC envy mums with an only when at the playpark..who knows...

It is okay to have these feelings, some of us get them from time to time. Thankfully I have DS involved in a lot of activities so he meets other children regularly but I don't really go out my way to meet mums who have more than one child.

And yes, everyone seems to be pregnant at the moment...