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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

apologies for 'same old' worries but support needed, confused.

46 replies

CurlyWurlyGirly · 02/05/2009 20:25

Hi, DD is now 3.5 and have just had the 'are we going to have another' conversation with hubby for about the 20th time! As an only, I'd always said I would have more than one but now, i had a tough time with DD and the only reason i would have another would be out of guilt for DD not having a sibling. Straw broke llama's back today as only remaining mum-of-1 at DD's ballet class announced her pregnancy and gave reason as providing DD with a sibling so not lonely etc etc. How crap did I feel? I cried most of family holiday at easter as could only see families with more than one at our hotel and felt a complete failure. Wisdom says that as an only I will know how to make things easier for dd. I thought this would get easier with time but maybe because I thought for 30years that i'd always have more than 1, its a bit of a mindset to get out of? Sorry, ramble ramble. Also to make matters worse dd is going through a 'i'm lonely' phase and not liking being in her bedroom by herself. i'm considering a hamster or something keep her company in there? I know you lovely girls are probably fed up of hearing same thing and i have read previous threads...just wanted a personal rant/sob online .

OP posts:

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MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 03/05/2009 20:48

Just found this thread.

My daughter too sometimes asks for a little sister, but when I tell her that there's no chance of a sibling - and a 50/50 chance that any sibling would be a boy (bleuurgh) - she immediately lets it go. I think, too, that it's possible to read too much into these requests. Yes, she would have liked a sibling (she thinks, until said sibling pulls her hair or breaks her toys) but she has a long list of other wants, including a pony in a paddock in Grandma's back garden, a Nintendo DS and every sparkly dress that's ever been seen on Strictly Come Dancing. This isn't something she is desparately upset about - it's a kind of shopping list of things she's seen around her or her friends have.

There is plenty of testimony on MN that siblings often do not have a close relationship. If you're worried about your daughter being lonely, CurlyWurlyGirly, then (as others have said) I think you have to try to encourage friendships through playdates and so on - maybe by suggesting meeting at a softplay or similar as it's less nerve-wracking than inviting someone to your home. My daughter is older than yours and we do a lot of out of school activities - Brownies, dancing - so that she can socialise with children of her own age. This isn't a situation we have chosen - she's another miracle baby - but it's one we're now very happy with. I was thinking recently, as we took dd to an all day ballet event, how much more difficult it would be if we had a toddler in tow.

And lastly (sorry, as a very old lady I tend to witter on) and as I've said on other threads, I think that having another baby is such a huge and irreversible step that nobody should do it unless they're sure it's what they want.

Don't be disheartened. Life as a family of three can be a lot of fun!

Jacksmama · 03/05/2009 20:51

You can never know how it would be if you had more than one child. I have a sister who is best left unmentioned as she has broken the heart of everyone in our family in so many ways. So that is the polar opposite of the ideal picture of a sibling for your child. You never know.

My DS is likely going to be an only. I don't know if we can have any more. DH is an only and is just fine with only having one. I'm not sure yet - but I believe the answer will come. Like you, I am starting to have to dodge the "will you have more " questions, as well as brace myself for the often judgmental, unsupportive and hurtful comments.

mistlethrush · 03/05/2009 21:07

Curlywurlygirly - ds is also an only - just 4. ds was 6 yrs in coming - including a mc and mp resulting in 4 months chemo- that's what is 'hovering over' any future poss pregnancy - which it did with a vengence after 1st mc post ds - took 3mo before hormone levels came down to 0 so spent all 3 months worrying about how I'd cope with ds (then 2ish) and chemo at the same time... Another mc down and I think that ds is going to be an only...

Ds started nursery at school this year - and we've found a good friend who lives locally who has an older sister - who ds really likes as well, so we are working on having a sibling by having a good friend who brings his!

teafortwo · 03/05/2009 21:44

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/15/single-child-families

enjoy!

mistlethrush · 03/05/2009 22:08

Tea - good article!

teafortwo · 03/05/2009 22:23

I am glad you liked it too MT I read it twice and printed it out the first time I came across it! I was sitting in my parent's garden noisily turning the pages, hoping my parents or their neighbours would say "Hi Tea - what is that you are reading?" So I could tell them all about it. But they did not!

I only saw it online - according to my Dad in rl it had little 'my stories' down the side and Miranda Sawyer's story was very good!

Original poster

CurlyWurlyGirly · 03/05/2009 22:53

that article is brilliant, i love it. i'm realising that its going to be my attitude to dd being an only that is going to be the most important factor in how she develops long term. once again, amazed at statistics on how many only families there are out there but none in dd's ballet class or pre-school class! maybe i live in the wrong area! I think i might take a deep breath and suggest a playdate with a friend from school that dd suggests rather than the one we always meet up with who dd doesn't really like, .

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DontCallMeBaby · 03/05/2009 23:18

The stats are weird - don't we have a thread around here somewhere about that? Asking who knows only-child families in RL, and some of us know practically none, and others know loads. And, and, and - the MN survey, wherever that's got to now, showed that 40% of MNers have only one child living at home! I know there are tons of circumstances around that other than 'only ever had one child', but it's still interesting, given that sometimes it feels like EVERYONE on here has three or more.

Mulanmum1 · 04/05/2009 00:01

That's the spirit, CurlyWrurly

I've recently forced myself to start the playdate thing and it's going well. I've found that parents with younger kids are always happy to have the older child taken off them for a day at the weekend!

BTW I read an interview with Martin Clunes a while back. He has one DD and described his family as "this perfect gang of three" - which I thought was lovely

flintski · 04/05/2009 06:00

Hi everyone - hope you don't mind me joining in.
Curlywurly - like others on here, I have a dd - looks like she will be a an only - she is 4. We do want another baby but it appears it is not to be. I agree with whoever (sorry can't find name as I scroll back through) said it was important to 'spin' being an only to your dd. She does often bring up having a sibling (specifically a sister!) but it is much easier now after accepting (me!) that it won't happen to talk about how great it is to be in a family of three.
we do have her girlie friends over for sleepovers which is fab and make a lot of effort to have playdates but she is also getting good now at taking herself off to play in her room or in the garden. This used to bother me as i thought she must be lonely, but she really isn't!
Someone earlier mentioned that getting over only having one if you thought you might have more is like a kind of grief - I sincerely believe this - it still hurts when someone asks if we want more (and even more when an ex-colleague sees you, points to your stomach and asks when its due!) but we have started to really change our lives and move on and it actually is very liberating. Good luck!

teafortwo · 04/05/2009 10:13

Ah haaaaa - I have found the other 'my story' article my Dad was telling me about....

www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/mar/15/one-child-family

I think it is cute, upbeat, warm and positive! What do you all think to it?

mistlethrush · 04/05/2009 10:31

Yes, that's another nice one tea!

Original poster

CurlyWurlyGirly · 04/05/2009 11:28

another brilliant article. i'm finding all your advice, empathies and these fab articles very empowering. it's amazing what a different 48hrs makes! I think its very easy to continually strive for the 'perfect' existence without looking at what's already here under my nose. i really agree about the 'grief' aspect of accepting the only situation - i'd never considered it before but it makes perfect sense and even just acknowledging this has made me start to feel better.

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MadBadandDangerousToKnow · 04/05/2009 12:03

That article by Miranda Sawyer (which I hadn't seen before) is great and pretty much encapsulates what I feel!

teafortwo · 04/05/2009 13:30

daisy99divine · 05/05/2009 01:00

Hi Curly I think it's all been said, but I wanted to lend support. I have one boy, aged 3 who is and will remain an only

I think a big part of your feelings are not being happy or reconciled to the fact your DC is an only and so projecting loneliness or regret onto the child - when they are likely as not your emotions

Warren Buffet said wise things about being happy on R4 yesterday, a quote from someone else. Wish I could remember it but basically we can't choose our circumstances but we can choose (to a large degree) whether to be happy with them - hth!

daisy99divine · 05/05/2009 01:04

Three cheers for Miranda Sawyer. What she says and how she says it versus my last post.... that will be why she's a journalist and I'm not

Original poster

CurlyWurlyGirly · 05/05/2009 11:42

thanks daisy. i've found the support and advice on here brilliant. it's completely true, every time dd would appear less than blissfully happy, i would jump to attribute it to her being an only - my stuff dumping onto her. i never really considered coming to terms with my choices as something i had to do, i thought i just had to accept and move on, which i do but not without allowing myself time to 'grieve' and settle with my choice.

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mistlethrush · 05/05/2009 12:19

CurlyWurly - I'm not sure that I have come to terms with it yet - but trying to make sure that the whole thing doesn't colour how I act with and my approach to ds. In many ways he is perfectly happy on his own - he has lots of friends at school, some with older and some with younger siblings, but he does have a few 'only' friends as well. I've found his 'when are we going to have a baby' questions quite difficult - but generally deflected sucessfully.

ColetteL · 05/05/2009 13:07

Hi, Curly,Wurly,Girly and all other contributors to this thread. I have an only DD aged 7 and following an ectopic and being over 40, not likely to have another. She understands why there isn't a sibling which helps. My DH and I try to have her friends over frequently so we all get quality time, being a constant playmate is hard work. Grandparents would like more children but have given up asking, such a relief. We are getting a dog this summer, our DD loves them and we hope it will make a good companion. I've come round to thinking life's what you make it. So I'm going to enjoy her childhood while it lasts, teenage years might be adding a few more grey hairs to me and the DH!

daisy99divine · 05/05/2009 16:11

Well done Curly, looks like you are taking the first steps on what I hope is a happier path!

Hurrah for Colette, well said and yes, dogs are the answer to most of life's issues imho

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