"you just got the one then, not fancy any more?" - how do you respond?

[DrNortherner]

Cause I am tempted to reply:

Well after 6 years of TTC, 9 miscarriages and a hysterectomy it's highly unlikeley.....

I just say "ah yes well, maybe, we'll see". We're TTC and have been for a while and I'm nearly 40 - so it may well not happen, and I think I'm OK with it - but tbh even then that question can upset me. When I think of people who have had m/cs, horrendously traumatic births, or lost a child after birth - I don't know how anyone can be insensitive enough to ask this unless they know you really well, and even then it should be carefully worded.

I like Dr Northerner's style!

I used to say that we had had a lot of assistance to have dd and didn't have the appetite to go through it all again. And then, because I am elderly, people assumed that I was too old and shrivelled to have any more babies anyway.

I wouldn't ask either. And I do know what you mean about the complex reasons, honestly, when people asked me if I was going to have a second, the answer running through my head was, well, will I still be with dc's idiot father or will I have copped on to myself and left him??? It all depends on that really. But I didn't say that.

I remember a fair while ago now, a friend of mine (35) told us she was going to wait a year before trying, and then when that year was up she told us she was going to finish a work project before trying, and then she told us she was too busy re-training to be an acupuncturist. A few of her friends were concerned that she was unaware of the 'risk' she was playing (with her fertility) at 36,37,38. It turned out............. after a couple of years that she was trying but had had no luck, but instead of just saying that "no blue line (yet) guys" she created loads of smoke screens which made people worry. She never did get pregnant, but she hurt a few friends with her barriers if that makes sense. Not me, mind you, I understood only too well the need to put up a bit of a front, for one's own protection.

oh but that was different as she didn't have a child. Sorry, irrelevant really. I'll leave now!

"you just got the one then, not fancy any more?"
No. and move on.

My dd is at an age where this question is being fired over and over thick and fast...

I had been saying "Well... all family sizes are great in their own way - and we find one child is great for us."

• This generally doesn't work - you get a big long lecture on how one child is not great and you are being short sighted...

Then... a few days ago I said somethingelse and made a massive breakthrough...

Freind: Are you going to have another baby then?

Me: No but I was thinking wouldn't it be nice if you had another/a baby?

• Conversation changed to a discussion about her family - she talked and I oooohed and aaaaarrred about her plans... it was`great!

Perhaps we could all try this technique when asked 'the question' in the next week and report back on the success rate...

Hmm, I could choose from a whole list of answers to that one, most of them show-stoppers:

"Well, I have arthritis in my back and if I get pregnant again I'll be in a wheelchair"

"I'm on the autism spectrum and so's dh - you really want us spreading these 'awful genes' any further and causing more of this 'tragic suffering' people imagine we experience all day every day?"

But generally I settle for 'no'.

I did used to point out that ds had/has horrible allergies and that risking another with different allergies would be a strain.

Now he's older and would understand that (and I don't want him to blame himself when it wasn't his fault or decision) I just say we have a wonderful family.

Actually anyone who has spend any time with ds and listened to him talk and talk and talk would understand...

Teafortwo, love your answer! Am so gonna try that next time. DD is at the age when people are asking The Question left, right and centre. We are trying (hard), so I just reply "yes, we'd love another" and leave the implication hanging. But it is a loaded question and I'd never ask anyone it by return. But I used to, back in my ignorant pre-ttc days. And I think this may be the key: the only people who'd actually ask the question are those who have never had any trouble conceiving. They are in that Other World, Dimblydown, where babies arrive like buses.

For me, I'm perfectly happy and comfortable with my choice to have just one child because for my DH and I it was a conscious choice we made to limit our family to just one child. So, for me the answer to this question would be a simple and unequivocal"

"nope"

But for those people who have not had a choice in the matter, and would have liked to have more than one child but can't for reasons of infertility, or their partners not wanting the same thing as them, I can inagine this sort of question must touch a raw nerve. Their answers will be different from mine and they may feel the need to justify why they have just one. I can see why those people would find it upsetting and annoying.

Oh, also forgot to add that I can;t see the need for anyone who is happy with their choice to say any more than "nope" either.

I think if you go on at length almost justifying why you have just one child, or making the case for why one child families are great, then it can smack of "protesting too much".

i get it from MIL. recently responded with "ok then we'll have another one, it's that simple after trtying for 3 years to have DS and bening prodded and poked and having to take clomid, and then we'll live in a cardboard box when the house is repossessed as i wouldn't be able to afford to go on maternity leave." i'd had enough. my SIL is pregnant and MIL seems to think i should be too.

Yes its complex isnt it. I would love to say
"Well there was only ever one man I wanted to have a child with, and that was before I realised what an abusive, manipulative nasty piece of work he was who despite his family man image left us for OW when DD was 10 months old and has never paid a penny towards DD. Ho hum maybe if I'm lucky I'll get over my ginormous trust issues and meet a decent bloke eh? Here's hoping..."

Have to say though its much easier being a single parent of one that one + adult toddler.
Sorry its all still a bit raw

that = than

my answers to the MILLIONS of times I get asked this.
if they are obviuosly just trying to make conversation then I will reply in a way that leaves it open to chat about other things;
so usually a lighthearted "nope he's a handful in himself" or "nope, quite full already thanks"

if they push or tell me I am wrong I've given up explaining I just go straight for the jugular either "actually we can't have more and its not a happy subject for me" or "well i read all the horror stories about abusive/resentful/bullying/incesous siblings and decided it was better to stick with one"

I actually do tell people the truth nowadays. Yes, would love another but as it hasn't happened in the last 4.5 years (DD now 7) despite two ops, heavy duty hormone tablets and Clomid then the chances of anymore are pretty limited these days.

I used to nod politely and smile. GGot fed up in the end. The truth seems towork better and at lease it does tend to stop the conversation a bit quickker.

i hate that question! when my son was born i haemorraged and lost 7 pints of blood, had a hysterectomy and spent 2 weeks on life support in intensive care, i was within an hour of death if the hysterectomy wasnt performed and that was all 3 years ago! still very raw, so that kind of question is likely to land me in floods of tears on a bad day or a blow by blow description. it usually ends the conversation as you can imagine.

Oh wobblymummy. What a horrendous experience. Hardly adequate, I know, but have a (((hug))) or supportive pat on the arm or slice of cake, as you prefer.

I would love to have more dc as I love dd so much and don't want the baby phase to end.
However, as I'm single that probbaly isn't going to happen. It dosn't stop people from asking though evenn though I'm on my tod.

Jackbaby is old enough now so that I'm getting that question. Makes me want to throttle people.

I think people just have to have talker's permits. Until they learn not to ask stupid, insensitive questions, they shouldn't be allowed to talk.

This question really bugs me and it's bugging me more and more I hear people banging on about it. No, I'm not pg, yes, we're trying (as hard as we can) but it's just not happening..what do people want? do they want us to crack?? If it's not happening then it's just not happening right now. My mum asks me and makes assumptions, I'm fed up of hearing it. Thank goodness for threads like this, to talk to others who feel the pressures too. Mine is 2yo now, and people just wont'shut up about when he will have a sibling...

It only bothers you because you want one too!!

I don't know why you don't just tell people to mind their own bloody business!

After all, it is none of their business isn't it?!!

If I asked someone a personal and impertinent question I wouldn't be surprised if I was told to mind my own business!